Dishonesty discovered day before wedding -- WWYD?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you are blowing this incident way out of proportion.

While he withheld the information, I don't think this is a stop the wedding, drop everything type of omission. I think you need to talk about honesty between you, say that you don't want omissions in the future and see if he can agree with you. He already agrees he made a mistake. If he'll promise not to do so again in the future, then take him at his word.

+1

What’s the big deal?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh just stop.

He cut off all contact with the woman and even stopped dating her to get serious with you.

That's on top of the fact that you're apparently crazy - an athiest who goes to church? WTH?

I know a whole lot of atheists who attend church for the community.

Then I feel sorry for them. Being stuck in an area that lives and breathes religion isn't something I'd wish on my worst enemy.

OP here. It's a very secular environment. For better or worse, there isn't much "religion" breathing in my place of "worship". It's pretty spirtual but loosey goosey. It's really more of a community than a faith.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Yep, a Thursday wedding. The actual wedding is not a big event (we're having a large celebration in the fall, this is a small legal ceremony with immediately family only).

I also wonder if the woman knew--but so far it seems truly that it was chance and she doesn't know he's with me. In any case, irrelevant.

I agree with PPs who say that dating IS complicated in your 30s and no one can be expected not to have a past. What bothers me is that I asked him directly a few times why he had such discomfort about going into the building and he chose to mislead me.

I don't really believe in "fate" per se but I have wondered if finding this out right before marriage is supposed to be a wake up call. I agree I'm probably blowing this out of proportion. Thanks for the perspective, all.

Postpone the wedding. You have doubts you need to resolve first.

[Anonymous]

Find a new church where your new husband will attend and feel comfortable.

[Anonymous]

I don't think this is such a big deal, but I do understand why you're bothered that he didn't just tell you.

And I can actually understand a guy saying something like "i hoped it would just go away" about a topic he doesn't know how to address or deal with.

I think you probably need a conversation to clear the air - to talk about how in the future you would MUCH rather him just tell you whatever awkward or uncomfortable thing he has to share, than to let you just unearth it.

That's an important foundational conversation about how you will communicate in a marriage. I think that's a lot more important than this particular instance - it seems like he was upfront and honest w/ that other woman as soon as he met you, and has done nothing to encourage any kind of inappopriate contact. He just didn't know how or if or when to tell you about it. So he didn't and then it became a thing. I can kind of sympathize a bit with that action paralysis.

[Anonymous]

Think about it this way. He didn’t even have to tell you about her (after a first date no less!) to begin with. I certainly never told men I dated about other men I dated at the same time. The fact that you already know ALL of this stuff about her is telling.

[Anonymous]

You crazy gurl.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Yep, a Thursday wedding. The actual wedding is not a big event (we're having a large celebration in the fall, this is a small legal ceremony with immediately family only).

I also wonder if the woman knew--but so far it seems truly that it was chance and she doesn't know he's with me. In any case, irrelevant.

I agree with PPs who say that dating IS complicated in your 30s and no one can be expected not to have a past. What bothers me is that I asked him directly a few times why he had such discomfort about going into the building and he chose to mislead me.

I don't really believe in "fate" per se but I have wondered if finding this out right before marriage is supposed to be a wake up call. I agree I'm probably blowing this out of proportion. Thanks for the perspective, all.

That part bothers me too, a lot. If it weren't for your dirdction questions I would say it's no big deal at all. I'm split on whether you should go ahead with the ceremony or postpone it a bit since it's small and immediate family only. Either way you need to make sure he knows that lying when asked a direct question is a big deal and not something you are signing up for.

[Anonymous]

You are going to be nightmare when you give birth to your first child. Let it go, let it go... sing it. She is trouble, and he knows it, so change church and talk about being completely honest with soon to be DH. Congratulation on your wedding!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Yep, a Thursday wedding. The actual wedding is not a big event (we're having a large celebration in the fall, this is a small legal ceremony with immediately family only).

I also wonder if the woman knew--but so far it seems truly that it was chance and she doesn't know he's with me. In any case, irrelevant.

I agree with PPs who say that dating IS complicated in your 30s and no one can be expected not to have a past. What bothers me is that I asked him directly a few times why he had such discomfort about going into the building and he chose to mislead me.

I don't really believe in "fate" per se but I have wondered if finding this out right before marriage is supposed to be a wake up call. I agree I'm probably blowing this out of proportion. Thanks for the perspective, all.

That part bothers me too, a lot. If it weren't for your dirdction questions I would say it's no big deal at all. I'm split on whether you should go ahead with the ceremony or postpone it a bit since it's small and immediate family only. Either way you need to make sure he knows that lying when asked a direct question is a big deal and not something you are signing up for.

NP. I wouldn't think the not specifically mentioning the ex/fwb was a big deal enough to call off the wedding (although honestly I'd not be happy about it, since we generally discuss these things) but the fact that you asked him and he evaded is a big red flag for me. It means he either doesn't respect you and think you have a right to the truth, or he knows that you should know but he wants to keep the door open. I wouldn't want to marry someone under either of those conditions.

[Anonymous]

Get over it.

[Anonymous]

To add, you seem pretty dramatic so I can u derstand why he would not want to have a confrontation with you over this. It is truly not a big deal, but you are making it one. As he expected, probably.

[Anonymous]

Tell him you feel misled and see what he says. His response will tell you whether to marry him or not.

[Anonymous]

I think you can charitably assume he just didn't want to ruin the church for you, this was way in the past, and yeah, he wanted the EX to be a normal person (and from both your description and his experience, she has problems with relationships).

So I do think you are overthinking.

[Anonymous]

If he were still involved with her after you two got together, both his reactions and hers make more sense. Do you think that could be the case?