Dishonesty discovered day before wedding -- WWYD?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are looking at this from the female perspective. Try looking at it from the male perspective.

There may have been elements of that FWB that embarrass him now and maybe she also put demands on him he wasn't willing to meet (pressuring for a long term relationship or engagement). When men make that break with someone they tend to walk away completely. This FWB is history. It's the past. Like a lot of men he doesn't want to be around her or see her or acknowledge her or be reminded of her.

Many men also keep their feelings very private. It's not a bad thing nor is it a wrong thing, they just don't see why they should tell you about this FWB because she is no longer relevant. Men tend to bury unwanted or unpleasant memories or feelings, pretend it never happened by avoiding anything to do with it, and move on with life. To them there's a logic to this. Why dwell on the past?

So, from the male perspective, it's okay to lie when asked a direct question? Because OP asked him directly and specifically if there was any reason he had a problem with her church and he lied and said no.

[Anonymous]

You actually do need to sit down with your fiancé and say listen I enjoy the church group and I expect you to be a let if my activities when requested. Just as I attend your events.

He either mans up and joins you. (Let the other women be uncomfortable). Our yes you can rethink your Thursday wedding.

Frankly it’s weird behavior. I never ever let some random I might have done get in the way of going someplace. Who does that. Is he a grown ass man?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are looking at this from the female perspective. Try looking at it from the male perspective.

There may have been elements of that FWB that embarrass him now and maybe she also put demands on him he wasn't willing to meet (pressuring for a long term relationship or engagement). When men make that break with someone they tend to walk away completely. This FWB is history. It's the past. Like a lot of men he doesn't want to be around her or see her or acknowledge her or be reminded of her.

Many men also keep their feelings very private. It's not a bad thing nor is it a wrong thing, they just don't see why they should tell you about this FWB because she is no longer relevant. Men tend to bury unwanted or unpleasant memories or feelings, pretend it never happened by avoiding anything to do with it, and move on with life. To them there's a logic to this. Why dwell on the past?

So, from the male perspective, it's okay to lie when asked a direct question? Because OP asked him directly and specifically if there was any reason he had a problem with her church and he lied and said no.

That's what men will do. Shrugs. You can't take it personally.

[Anonymous]

He fibbed about something related to a woman he is no longer seeing. Is this really a big deal?

[Anonymous]

As the ex-wife of a cheater, the main lesson I drew was that lying (about anything) and avoiding conflict are the two big character flaws of cheaters. I too justified the little dishonesties like everyone in this thread is doing. But, the truth is such lies (of commission or omision) were huge red flags that should have signaled me to end the relationship.

Remember, you get what you accept in life.

Personally, what you describe would cause me to end the relationship. Period.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As the ex-wife of a cheater, the main lesson I drew was that lying (about anything) and avoiding conflict are the two big character flaws of cheaters. I too justified the little dishonesties like everyone in this thread is doing. But, the truth is such lies (of commission or omision) were huge red flags that should have signaled me to end the relationship.

Remember, you get what you accept in life.

Personally, what you describe would cause me to end the relationship. Period.

They are also flaws of people in relationships with melodramatic women who make a huge deal out of every little thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think this is such a big deal, but I do understand why you're bothered that he didn't just tell you.

And I can actually understand a guy saying something like "i hoped it would just go away" about a topic he doesn't know how to address or deal with.

I think you probably need a conversation to clear the air - to talk about how in the future you would MUCH rather him just tell you whatever awkward or uncomfortable thing he has to share, than to let you just unearth it.

That's an important foundational conversation about how you will communicate in a marriage. I think that's a lot more important than this particular instance - it seems like he was upfront and honest w/ that other woman as soon as he met you, and has done nothing to encourage any kind of inappopriate contact. He just didn't know how or if or when to tell you about it. So he didn't and then it became a thing. I can kind of sympathize a bit with that action paralysis.

+2 all of this, and other PPs who say your reaction is exactly why he didn't tell you. This isn't a big deal. Don't sabotage yourself.

[Anonymous]

He lied about this. What else did he lie about?

You can't trust someone that doesn't tell the truth. Be careful.

[Anonymous]

OP: are you married now or not?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP: are you married now or not?

Yes, tell us all about your totally real Thursday wedding.

[Anonymous]

He's been cheating with her and she invited you to lunch so you'd know. You know on some level, which is why you're reacting this way.

?

[Anonymous]

I don't see this as a deal breaker.

[Anonymous]

This woman still obviously harbors romantic feelings toward your soon-to-be-husband.
For her to tell you details so close to the day you marry him is just cold + calculated.

I would avoid this troublemaker like the plague she is.

As for your fiancé,
it would also trouble me that he didn’t trust me enough to be completely open & honest with me from the get go.
I wouldn’t want to start my marital union off on a little deceit because this can be a warning sign of things to come.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He fibbed about something related to a woman he is no longer seeing. Is this really a big deal?

Fibbed? What is he 8 years old? Just call a spade a spade.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You’re getting married on a Thursday?

This was my initial reaction was well. For the courthouse not surprising. Never heard of a mid-week church wedding.