Would you consider this a red flag?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, yes they have one child together. I understand trying to be civil/mature for your child’s sake, but I do think the family vacations are too much.

The good news is, it's not up to you! If you think the family vacations are "too much," then you should break up with this guy. Because you will disrupt the apparently amicable relationship he has with the mother of his child, which will do no one any favors.

[Anonymous]

If the family vacations are things that you will be included in at some point if/when you are sufficiently serious or engaged or married, then I wouldn't think they were a dealbreaker. As the child of two contentiously divorced parents who have been in the same room together only a handful of times since their divorce, I think it's amazing when parents can actually be civil and put their kids first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If the family vacations are things that you will be included in at some point if/when you are sufficiently serious or engaged or married, then I wouldn't think they were a dealbreaker. As the child of two contentiously divorced parents who have been in the same room together only a handful of times since their divorce, I think it's amazing when parents can actually be civil and put their kids first.

I agree it's important to put kids first, but expecting the new partner to have vacations with the ex is a bridge too far. She deserves to have her own family life as well, which means separate vacations. You can be friendly and non-contentious, but not expect to keep up the trappings of married life at the same time. If you still want to go on vacations with your ex and pretend you're a happy family ... maybe you should never have gotten divorced? Or at least, don't expect a new partner to be completely OK with this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When our child was young my ex and I would go on vacation with her together. She and I would share a room but a number of times I went to his room. Sex wasn't the issue in our marriage as you might guess. But when one of us got into a serious relationships those vacations ended. She does have a picture of her Dad in her room and my DH is fine with it as we have maintained a decent relationship.

So basically ... OP would be correct to surmise that those vacations with the "ex" weren't exactly at arms length ...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, yes they have one child together. I understand trying to be civil/mature for your child’s sake, but I do think the family vacations are too much.

How recent and how often were the vacations? How long have they been divorced for?

The last vacation was last summer and they have another planned for July. They’ve been divorced for three years, separated for two prior to the divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, yes they have one child together. I understand trying to be civil/mature for your child’s sake, but I do think the family vacations are too much.

The good news is, it's not up to you! If you think the family vacations are "too much," then you should break up with this guy. Because you will disrupt the apparently amicable relationship he has with the mother of his child, which will do no one any favors.

I’m the guy in the situation. The woman I’ve been dating for seven months is the one with the ex husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When our child was young my ex and I would go on vacation with her together. She and I would share a room but a number of times I went to his room. Sex wasn't the issue in our marriage as you might guess. But when one of us got into a serious relationships those vacations ended. She does have a picture of her Dad in her room and my DH is fine with it as we have maintained a decent relationship.

So basically ... OP would be correct to surmise that those vacations with the "ex" weren't exactly at arms length ...

Free refills

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, yes they have one child together. I understand trying to be civil/mature for your child’s sake, but I do think the family vacations are too much.

How recent and how often were the vacations? How long have they been divorced for?

The last vacation was last summer and they have another planned for July. They’ve been divorced for three years, separated for two prior to the divorce.

Huh. That would cause me to have my antenna up, but if everything else is good, I'd wait awhile longer to suss it out. Maybe it's as simple as they both have family in the vacation location. Or maybe the mom wasn't comfortable with the dad taking the child alone? You'll find out more over time.

[Anonymous]

If it is a red flag for you, it's a red flag.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
There doesn't have to be something "romantic" going on for the level of emotional involvement to be inappropriate. I would expect my partner to prioritize traveling with me (along with the child, of course), not with the ex. Money and vacation time are limited.

If you think you should be the priority over his child, you're not the person for him. What he feels is important for the child should always come before what is important for his relationship with you, and now he feels vacations with the original nuclear family are important.

If you can't get on board with that you need to end this relationship. That said, if you get serious enough, I think you should always be included in these vacations with the ex. But I don't think he needs to spend money for vacations with the 3 of you before spending money on vacations with the child's mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
There doesn't have to be something "romantic" going on for the level of emotional involvement to be inappropriate. I would expect my partner to prioritize traveling with me (along with the child, of course), not with the ex. Money and vacation time are limited.

If you think you should be the priority over his child, you're not the person for him. What he feels is important for the child should always come before what is important for his relationship with you, and now he feels vacations with the original nuclear family are important.

If you can't get on board with that you need to end this relationship. That said, if you get serious enough, I think you should always be included in these vacations with the ex. But I don't think he needs to spend money for vacations with the 3 of you before spending money on vacations with the child's mother.

Reread. I would expect my ex to prioritize traveling with ME instead of with his EX. I would have no objections about including the child on our vacations. But the idea that I'd spend my spare money and vacation time on traveling with my partner's ex is nuts, and far out of the realm of what's considered normal. I'm all for ex's having good relationships and even spending some time together; but annual vacations are a bridge too far for most people, for obvious reasons.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, yes they have one child together. I understand trying to be civil/mature for your child’s sake, but I do think the family vacations are too much.

How recent and how often were the vacations? How long have they been divorced for?

The last vacation was last summer and they have another planned for July. They’ve been divorced for three years, separated for two prior to the divorce.

If you like her and have been dating awhile OP I would try to go on this vacation. You can see what it feels like and it will become apparent quickly if its awkward or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, yes they have one child together. I understand trying to be civil/mature for your child’s sake, but I do think the family vacations are too much.

How recent and how often were the vacations? How long have they been divorced for?

The last vacation was last summer and they have another planned for July. They’ve been divorced for three years, separated for two prior to the divorce.

So, once a year? That doesn't actually seem like a red flag. And you're not a spouse or a fiancee, you're a girlfriend. I wouldn't expect a parent to accord their boy/girlfriend the same level of importance as a spouse, and certainly nowhere near the importance of a child. If your relationship gets more serious, then I would expect that things might naturally change, but if you barrel in and demand that he change something that he's doing for his kid's sake, you're asking for trouble.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, yes they have one child together. I understand trying to be civil/mature for your child’s sake, but I do think the family vacations are too much.

How recent and how often were the vacations? How long have they been divorced for?

The last vacation was last summer and they have another planned for July. They’ve been divorced for three years, separated for two prior to the divorce.

So, once a year? That doesn't actually seem like a red flag. And you're not a spouse or a fiancee, you're a girlfriend. I wouldn't expect a parent to accord their boy/girlfriend the same level of importance as a spouse, and certainly nowhere near the importance of a child. If your relationship gets more serious, then I would expect that things might naturally change, but if you barrel in and demand that he change something that he's doing for his kid's sake, you're asking for trouble.

The point isn't OP going along on the vacation ... it's that OP's girlfriend is going with her ex. Maybe this is all fine and healthy, but MOST people would find it uncomfortable. So it's right to ask what it means. My personal experience is that there are definitely people with unresolved issues post-divorce, who are still emotionally enmeshed with their exes. They're perfectly happy to have girlfriends and boyfriends, but you'll never really get a commitment from them. I had an ex who refused to even divorce his wife for years (he may actually be divorced now, not sure). His ex used to call him late at night when she was having panic attacks; he stayed at her house on visits (they lived out of state); he advised her closely with her on work projects (they were in the same field); etc. etc. Of course it was legitimate that they chose to continue that degree of involvement, but it absolutely meant that I was wasting my time with him, since I was looking for a serious relationship that would lead to marriage.

[Anonymous]

Not when there's a child in the equation, no. I might even consider it a sign of dedicated loving parents who put their child's well-being ahead of their own. It might even be really a positive sign IMO.