describe your emotional affair

[Anonymous]

With mine we would switch shoes at work and walk around in the other person's shoes for not more than 10 minutes. They didn't fit, one pair too big, one too small, but it was sort of a thing to do. Also "doing the five" where you put a pencil in each nostril and one in each ear and one in your mouth and just sort of sit there together. Tangling each other's phone cords up was another practice or throwing a handful pf pushpins at their desk and saying "Look out!" It is now over.

[Anonymous]

With mine we would switch shoes at work and walk around in the other person's shoes for not more than 10 minutes. They didn't fit, one pair too big, one too small, but it was sort of a thing to do. Also "doing the five" where you put a pencil in each nostril and one in each ear and one in your mouth and just sort of sit there together. Tangling each other's phone cords up was another practice or throwing a handful pf pushpins at their desk and saying "Look out!" It is now over.

Sounds like a very professional workplace ....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

With mine we would switch shoes at work and walk around in the other person's shoes for not more than 10 minutes. They didn't fit, one pair too big, one too small, but it was sort of a thing to do. Also "doing the five" where you put a pencil in each nostril and one in each ear and one in your mouth and just sort of sit there together. Tangling each other's phone cords up was another practice or throwing a handful pf pushpins at their desk and saying "Look out!" It is now over.

Sounds like a very professional workplace ....

Yes, it is. Was only trying to share.

[Anonymous]

With mine we would switch shoes at work and walk around in the other person's shoes for not more than 10 minutes. They didn't fit, one pair too big, one too small, but it was sort of a thing to do. Also "doing the five" where you put a pencil in each nostril and one in each ear and one in your mouth and just sort of sit there together. Tangling each other's phone cords up was another practice or throwing a handful pf pushpins at their desk and saying "Look out!" It is now over.

That sounds like joking around/pranks, not an EA.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
You are not a bad person for having had an emotional affair, I think it can happen to pretty much everyone, with half of a heart. But I am disturbed but the fact that you did not care about the suffering of your AP after cutting ties and contacts with her, because you had responsibilities in her suffering. This is very egoistic but so common in human nature. Stay away from emotional affairs, that is not for you.

Anonymous wrote:

+1

Re-Posting this: Since my post ended up being the last one on page 1 and then we got off onto hearing about pencils in nostrils etc., I am bringing my post onto page 2 and hoping it will be seen or responded to by someone who needs to see it:

- - -

I'm the PP who wrote the long message sharing my personal story. Believe me, I am staying away from emotional affairs from now on. But it is odd to me that this is your primary take-away from my story - basically scolding me for not caring about the well-being of the AP after the shit hit the fan. (Also you made assumptions about gender of AP. I did not think it mattered and wanted to avoid stereotypes, but now I will clarify. I am a woman; AP was a man.) Also I didn't think it really mattered to explain this in my earlier narrative, but perhaps it makes a difference if I tell you that this was a cyber-relationship only. I never met this person that I fantasized so much about, but he still somehow captured my heart for awhile and nearly tanked my marriage. So you'd better believe that when I had a second chance to save my marriage and my family, I was going to throw myself into that and let the AP fend for himself. I owed him nothing. We had both chosen to risk our marriages and our emotional well-being by pouring ourselves into a cyber-relationship. I would venture to say that it goes with the territory that anyone who engages in an emotional affair is egoistic. If I excelled at putting others first, especially my beloved family, I would never have drifted into an emotional affair.

I also want to say that in my situation, since it was a cyber-affair with someone I never met, I think I was particularly prone to "enhance" the qualities that I imagined the AP possessed. He was practically a figment of my imagination, compared to my real-life family. I actually don't have a clue what he would have been like in real life. (Would he have reacted calmly or impatiently to everyday stresses, for instance? Who knows?) But I think that tends to be true of all emotional affairs, which tend to take place in settings that are simpler than the complications and stresses of "real life."

He thought that a cyber-affair would be safe, not risking his marriage. But somehow, long after we went our separate ways online, his wife found his secret email account open online and read some of our old messages that he had never deleted, so she found out about the cyber-affair years after it had ended. He contacted me in a panic to alert me that his wife did not believe the relationship was really over and might be writing to me and I should not answer. She never did write to me. I don't know what I would have done if she did. It is just one more example of how an emotional affair can come back to bite you down the road; it was long over but he still got caught and had to suffer the fall-out. I don't know if she ever decided to trust him again or not.

As to your assertion, "You had responsibilities in [his] suffering," big sigh. Was that really my responsibility? Did I not have a bigger responsibility in regard to my husband's suffering and have a responsibility to do what I could to minimize further suffering? Honestly, if someone (the AP) is going to get involved with a married person, they should not expect the married person to take responsibility for potential future suffering. And the married person, by the simple fact of engaging in an emotional affair, is obviously not a person who can be counted on to protect a loved one from suffering. I fully confess to my own shortcomings in this regard! The married person having the EA is blatantly egoistic and exhibiting reckless disregard for others' emotional well-being. The married person having the EA is also fooling him or herself into thinking this situation is okay... or okay enough to justify the betrayal. Why in the world would the EA think that his or her needs would suddenly be deserving of protection just as the other person's marriage is imploding?

What I am trying to say is that EVERYONE should stay away from emotional affairs!! You are hurting your loved ones; you are hurting yourself; and you are going to end up hurting your affair partner too.... or your affair partner will end up hurting you. Either that or a marriage is going to collapse due to your selfishness. If your marriage sucks, get out of it first and then go find your emotional soulmate. Otherwise it's just a matter of time before your worlds collide or your inner world becomes as tormenting as your outer world, or more so.

[Anonymous]

According to my former coworker’s wife, it means booking the same flights to attend the annual trade show.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

With mine we would switch shoes at work and walk around in the other person's shoes for not more than 10 minutes. They didn't fit, one pair too big, one too small, but it was sort of a thing to do. Also "doing the five" where you put a pencil in each nostril and one in each ear and one in your mouth and just sort of sit there together. Tangling each other's phone cords up was another practice or throwing a handful pf pushpins at their desk and saying "Look out!" It is now over.

That sounds like joking around/pranks, not an EA.

No, raw emotions came to the fore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
You are not a bad person for having had an emotional affair, I think it can happen to pretty much everyone, with half of a heart. But I am disturbed but the fact that you did not care about the suffering of your AP after cutting ties and contacts with her, because you had responsibilities in her suffering. This is very egoistic but so common in human nature. Stay away from emotional affairs, that is not for you.

Anonymous wrote:

+1

I'm the PP who wrote the long message sharing my personal story. Believe me, I am staying away from emotional affairs from now on. But it is odd to me that this is your primary take-away from my story - basically scolding me for not caring about the well-being of the AP after the shit hit the fan. (Also you made assumptions about gender of AP. I did not think it mattered and wanted to avoid stereotypes, but now I will clarify. I am a woman; AP was a man.) Also I didn't think it really mattered to explain this in my earlier narrative, but perhaps it makes a difference if I tell you that this was a cyber-relationship only. I never met this person that I fantasized so much about, but he still somehow captured my heart for awhile and nearly tanked my marriage. So you'd better believe that when I had a second chance to save my marriage and my family, I was going to throw myself into that and let the AP fend for himself. I owed him nothing. We had both chosen to risk our marriages and our emotional well-being by pouring ourselves into a cyber-relationship. I would venture to say that it goes with the territory that anyone who engages in an emotional affair is egoistic. If I excelled at putting others first, especially my beloved family, I would never have drifted into an emotional affair.

I also want to say that in my situation, since it was a cyber-affair with someone I never met, I think I was particularly prone to "enhance" the qualities that I imagined the AP possessed. He was practically a figment of my imagination, compared to my real-life family. I actually don't have a clue what he would have been like in real life. (Would he have reacted calmly or impatiently to everyday stresses, for instance? Who knows?) But I think that tends to be true of all emotional affairs, which tend to take place in settings that are simpler than the complications and stresses of "real life."

He thought that a cyber-affair would be safe, not risking his marriage. But somehow, long after we went our separate ways online, his wife found his secret email account open online and read some of our old messages that he had never deleted, so she found out about the cyber-affair years after it had ended. He contacted me in a panic to alert me that his wife did not believe the relationship was really over and might be writing to me and I should not answer. She never did write to me. I don't know what I would have done if she did. It is just one more example of how an emotional affair can come back to bite you down the road; it was long over but he still got caught and had to suffer the fall-out. I don't know if she ever decided to trust him again or not.

As to your assertion, "You had responsibilities in [his] suffering," big sigh. Was that really my responsibility? Did I not have a bigger responsibility in regard to my husband's suffering and have a responsibility to do what I could to minimize further suffering? Honestly, if someone (the AP) is going to get involved with a married person, they should not expect the married person to take responsibility for potential future suffering. And the married person, by the simple fact of engaging in an emotional affair, is obviously not a person who can be counted on to protect a loved one from suffering. I fully confess to my own shortcomings in this regard! The married person having the EA is blatantly egoistic and exhibiting reckless disregard for others' emotional well-being. The married person having the EA is also fooling him or herself into thinking this situation is okay... or okay enough to justify the betrayal. Why in the world would the EA think that his or her needs would suddenly be deserving of protection just as the other person's marriage is imploding?

What I am trying to say is that EVERYONE should stay away from emotional affairs!! You are hurting your loved ones; you are hurting yourself; and you are going to end up hurting your affair partner too.... or your affair partner will end up hurting you. Either that or a marriage is going to collapse due to your selfishness. If your marriage sucks, get out of it first and then go find your emotional soulmate. Otherwise it's just a matter of time before your worlds collide or your inner world becomes as tormenting as your outer world, or more so.

You did not get my point. I understand that there was nothing you could do for your exAP after you had your fun with him and decided to go back to your "beloved" family.
Of course, he had his own responsibilities and had to deal with the consequences like a big boy. I still think that it is very cruel to say: "The AP was cast aside and probably felt pain; that was the least of my concerns at that point."

[Anonymous]

My emotional affair became a sexual affair and a love affair. If you actually know the person IRL and it is an emotional affair (as opposed to a one-way crush) it's going to get physical at some point. Once you're concealing something from your spouse and seeking the adrenaline boost of new love you're already in an affair mindset.

The transition from friendship to emailing in the middle of the night while our spouses slept took years. From there to sex took less than two months.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My emotional affair became a sexual affair and a love affair. If you actually know the person IRL and it is an emotional affair (as opposed to a one-way crush) it's going to get physical at some point. Once you're concealing something from your spouse and seeking the adrenaline boost of new love you're already in an affair mindset.

The transition from friendship to emailing in the middle of the night while our spouses slept took years. From there to sex took less than two months.

And what happened next?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My emotional affair became a sexual affair and a love affair. If you actually know the person IRL and it is an emotional affair (as opposed to a one-way crush) it's going to get physical at some point. Once you're concealing something from your spouse and seeking the adrenaline boost of new love you're already in an affair mindset.

The transition from friendship to emailing in the middle of the night while our spouses slept took years. From there to sex took less than two months.

And what happened next?

We "did the five" where you put a pencil in each nostril and one in each ear and one in your mouth and just sort of sit there together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My emotional affair became a sexual affair and a love affair. If you actually know the person IRL and it is an emotional affair (as opposed to a one-way crush) it's going to get physical at some point. Once you're concealing something from your spouse and seeking the adrenaline boost of new love you're already in an affair mindset.

The transition from friendship to emailing in the middle of the night while our spouses slept took years. From there to sex took less than two months.

And what happened next?

We "did the five" where you put a pencil in each nostril and one in each ear and one in your mouth and just sort of sit there together.

You guys sound like my type of people. Haha

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My emotional affair became a sexual affair and a love affair. If you actually know the person IRL and it is an emotional affair (as opposed to a one-way crush) it's going to get physical at some point. Once you're concealing something from your spouse and seeking the adrenaline boost of new love you're already in an affair mindset.

The transition from friendship to emailing in the middle of the night while our spouses slept took years. From there to sex took less than two months.

And what happened next?

We "did the five" where you put a pencil in each nostril and one in each ear and one in your mouth and just sort of sit there together.

You guys sound like my type of people. Haha

I'm the PP whose emotional affair turned into sex and love. The pencil in the nose post isn't me (it's cute though).

What happened next is we're still in love, still friends, still sleeping together, and still secret.

And it all started as an emotional affair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:With mine we would switch shoes at work and walk around in the other person's shoes for not more than 10 minutes. They didn't fit, one pair too big, one too small, but it was sort of a thing to do. Also "doing the five" where you put a pencil in each nostril and one in each ear and one in your mouth and just sort of sit there together. Tangling each other's phone cords up was another practice or throwing a handful pf pushpins at their desk and saying "Look out!" It is now over.

Oh man, the five.

Sigh ...BTDT.

[Anonymous]

My emotional affair started when my old HS prom date and I reconnected on FB. I was going through old boxes and found funny pics of us from long ago and I sent them through messenger. We laughed about it, caught up w/ life,but the conversation kept flowing. Soon after we were sending messages every day. It wasn't a big deal to me because he lives on the other side of the country. When he was in town, we met up and sparks flew hard, but we didn't do anything. The conversation continued after he went home, but I found myself getting sad and anxious when I didn't hear from him daily. He would write me non- stop,, he would ask to chat on the phone, I began thinking about him non stop. For the first time in years I felt alive and wanted! My heart would race when I received a message. But after a while, he began to get distracted and wouldn't reach out for days. Then when he finally messaged, he didn't seem to think his disappearance was a big deal. He would get upset w/ me for being sad. This cycle continued for another year. He would dissapear for longer though. Two to three agonizing weeks would pass and he'd act like no big deal. Meanwhile I'd be going crazy in my head. What had I done? Did I say something wrong? Luckily I was strong enough to not write him during these dissapearance acts. He never understood how crazy upset he was making me. Eventually, I was able to see how much emotional strain he was putting on me, and distracting me from actually living my real life. I began researching "ghosting" and convinced myself that this man is a narcissist. He would take all the attention he needed from me, then drop me for weeks. Telling myself that the problem was him, and that I'm not truly a crazy obsessed person really helped me to take the plunge and block him from contacting me. I gave him no warning, I just needed to be free.

It's been almost a year since we've been in contact,but I still think about this man daily. Though I still check out his social media pages, I've noticed it's starting to slow down. I have enjoyed the weight off my heart, and feel so much less anxious. However, I do miss talking to him.

I would never wish these anxiety ridden emotions on anyone. The feeling of being wanted by someone new is hard to beat, but in the end, it is absolutely not worth the sadness, anxiety and obsessive emotions that seem to take over.

Good luck op.