describe your emotional affair

[Anonymous]

I also want to say that in my situation, since it was a cyber-affair with someone I never met, I think I was particularly prone to "enhance" the qualities that I imagined the AP possessed. He was practically a figment of my imagination, compared to my real-life family. I actually don't have a clue what he would have been like in real life. (Would he have reacted calmly or impatiently to everyday stresses, for instance? Who knows?) But I think that tends to be true of all emotional affairs, which tend to take place in settings that are simpler than the complications and stresses of "real life."

He thought that a cyber-affair would be safe, not risking his marriage. But somehow, long after we went our separate ways online, his wife found his secret email account open online and read some of our old messages that he had never deleted, so she found out about the cyber-affair years after it had ended. He contacted me in a panic to alert me that his wife did not believe the relationship was really over and might be writing to me and I should not answer. She never did write to me. I don't know what I would have done if she did. It is just one more example of how an emotional affair can come back to bite you down the road; it was long over but he still got caught and had to suffer the fall-out. I don't know if she ever decided to trust him again or not.

As to your assertion, "You had responsibilities in [his] suffering," big sigh. Was that really my responsibility? Did I not have a bigger responsibility in regard to my husband's suffering and have a responsibility to do what I could to minimize further suffering? Honestly, if someone (the AP) is going to get involved with a married person, they should not expect the married person to take responsibility for potential future suffering. And the married person, by the simple fact of engaging in an emotional affair, is obviously not a person who can be counted on to protect a loved one from suffering. I fully confess to my own shortcomings in this regard! The married person having the EA is blatantly egoistic and exhibiting reckless disregard for others' emotional well-being. The married person having the EA is also fooling him or herself into thinking this situation is okay... or okay enough to justify the betrayal. Why in the world would the EA think that his or her needs would suddenly be deserving of protection just as the other person's marriage is imploding?

What I am trying to say is that EVERYONE should stay away from emotional affairs!! You are hurting your loved ones; you are hurting yourself; and you are going to end up hurting your affair partner too.... or your affair partner will end up hurting you. Either that or a marriage is going to collapse due to your selfishness. If your marriage sucks, get out of it first and then go find your emotional soulmate. Otherwise it's just a matter of time before your worlds collide or your inner world becomes as tormenting as your outer world, or more so.

Oh that's sweet of you. You were still willing to collude. Nice.

[Anonymous]

Talking and chatting and sexting...Traded photos (clean) but never met.

DW is 55 and done with sex. It has been more than a year. I keep it quiet but honestly don’t even know if she would care. I would rather do all the sexting and flirting with my wife, but attempts are met with indifference. It is nice to feel wanted, even in cyberspace.

[Anonymous]

OP - recovering from an emotional affair was one of the hardest things I've done. I'm still not completely healed. Luckily my marriage stayed intact, but recovering emotionally was and still is difficult. Don't be fooled, eventually it will end and I promise you the destruction to you, your self esteem and your family will have NOT been worth it. Of course it's nearly impossible to understand that until you are in it yourself. I found YouTube meditations on "how to let go of someone you love" fairly helpful and music. Always music!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - recovering from an emotional affair was one of the hardest things I've done. I'm still not completely healed. Luckily my marriage stayed intact, but recovering emotionally was and still is difficult. Don't be fooled, eventually it will end and I promise you the destruction to you, your self esteem and your family will have NOT been worth it. Of course it's nearly impossible to understand that until you are in it yourself. I found YouTube meditations on "how to let go of someone you love" fairly helpful and music. Always music!

Can you provide more detail? How long was your affair and who ended it? Did you ever meet or was this online?

[Anonymous]

My wife had an emotional affair five years ago and I am still not over it. Sexting and all.

I honestly kinda hate myself for staying. I feel so weak inside. She decided to "work on her marriage" which sounds so horrible. Like it's a chore or something. Don't ever say that.

If you love someone else just leave. Allow your spouse to find a better person that you. Life is short so try not to waste people's time. Seriously, you're not marriage material. It didn't work out. Admit it and move on.

[Anonymous]

I would also like to add that I seriously considered suicide during the affair. I posted about it before. I was so invested in the marriage that it was everything to me.

I felt like if I killed myself that it would ruin my wife's life forever. This is not uncommon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would also like to add that I seriously considered suicide during the affair. I posted about it before. I was so invested in the marriage that it was everything to me.

I felt like if I killed myself that it would ruin my wife's life forever. This is not uncommon.

I considered suicide when I learned of my wife's affair... The thought of my daughter growing up without me is the only thing at the lowest point that prevented it.

People have no idea the pain affairs cause.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would also like to add that I seriously considered suicide during the affair. I posted about it before. I was so invested in the marriage that it was everything to me.

I felt like if I killed myself that it would ruin my wife's life forever. This is not uncommon.

I considered suicide when I learned of my wife's affair... The thought of my daughter growing up without me is the only thing at the lowest point that prevented it.

People have no idea the pain affairs cause.

[Anonymous]

It's a reality people don't want to face that ought to remain in the back of people's minds. It's seriously tramatic to discover that you are living with a person that would just willing hurt you just too love a fantasy.

Let's be clear, there is no excuse for cheating. There isn't any nuance. The long explanations are just ridiculous. The bottom line is that you abused your partner. Would you accept excuses for spousal abuse?

Victims, no matter what they say, they are going to have feelings for the other person. You are also allowed to have a voice. Cheaters do not have the luxury of being protected. They need to be exposed for who they are. If they are married please tell the other spouse. It's an obligation.

Lastly, affair partners are bullies and they need to be confronted. They have disrespected you and you need to stand up for yourself and others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's a reality people don't want to face that ought to remain in the back of people's minds. It's seriously tramatic to discover that you are living with a person that would just willing hurt you just too love a fantasy.

I can tell you from experience that the worst feeling in the world is when your spouse is completely indifferent to you. A spouse in the throes of an EA simply does not care, or even think about, what it is doing to you. As far as they are concerned, you can go do whatever (who cares, doesn't matter) while they live in your house and wallow in their fantasies about the other person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's a reality people don't want to face that ought to remain in the back of people's minds. It's seriously tramatic to discover that you are living with a person that would just willing hurt you just too love a fantasy.

I can tell you from experience that the worst feeling in the world is when your spouse is completely indifferent to you. A spouse in the throes of an EA simply does not care, or even think about, what it is doing to you. As far as they are concerned, you can go do whatever (who cares, doesn't matter) while they live in your house and wallow in their fantasies about the other person.

Except this is probably what drove them to the EA in the first place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's a reality people don't want to face that ought to remain in the back of people's minds. It's seriously tramatic to discover that you are living with a person that would just willing hurt you just too love a fantasy.

I can tell you from experience that the worst feeling in the world is when your spouse is completely indifferent to you. A spouse in the throes of an EA simply does not care, or even think about, what it is doing to you. As far as they are concerned, you can go do whatever (who cares, doesn't matter) while they live in your house and wallow in their fantasies about the other person.

I once heard a priest say the opposite of love isn’t hate, the opposite of love is apathy, not caring. That is so true

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's a reality people don't want to face that ought to remain in the back of people's minds. It's seriously tramatic to discover that you are living with a person that would just willing hurt you just too love a fantasy.

I can tell you from experience that the worst feeling in the world is when your spouse is completely indifferent to you. A spouse in the throes of an EA simply does not care, or even think about, what it is doing to you. As far as they are concerned, you can go do whatever (who cares, doesn't matter) while they live in your house and wallow in their fantasies about the other person.

Except this is probably what drove them to the EA in the first place.

Abuse is never okay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's a reality people don't want to face that ought to remain in the back of people's minds. It's seriously tramatic to discover that you are living with a person that would just willing hurt you just too love a fantasy.

I can tell you from experience that the worst feeling in the world is when your spouse is completely indifferent to you. A spouse in the throes of an EA simply does not care, or even think about, what it is doing to you. As far as they are concerned, you can go do whatever (who cares, doesn't matter) while they live in your house and wallow in their fantasies about the other person.

Except this is probably what drove them to the EA in the first place.

Abuse is never okay.

but we just talk, nothing else! that's harmless, right?

[Anonymous]

It’s been over 2 1/2 years. We have only seen each other in person a few times through work. Thankfully he moved out of state. I’m not as dependent on it ( the relationship)as I was a year or 2 ago, but I can’t walk away.