Reply to describe your emotional affair

Forum Index » Relationship Discussion (non-explicit)

Reply to "describe your emotional affair"

Subject:

Emoticons





More smilies

Text Color: Font: Close Marks

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]
You are not a bad person for having had an emotional affair, I think it can happen to pretty much everyone, with half of a heart. But I am disturbed but the fact that you did not care about the suffering of your AP after cutting ties and contacts with her, because you had responsibilities in her suffering. This is very egoistic but so common in human nature. Stay away from emotional affairs, that is not for you.
[quote=Anonymous]
[/quote]

+1[/quote]

I'm the PP who wrote the long message sharing my personal story. Believe me, I am staying away from emotional affairs from now on. But it is odd to me that this is your primary take-away from my story - [b]basically scolding me for not caring about the well-being of the AP after the shit hit the fan.[/b] (Also you made assumptions about gender of AP. I did not think it mattered and wanted to avoid stereotypes, but now I will clarify. I am a woman; AP was a man.) Also I didn't think it really mattered to explain this in my earlier narrative, but perhaps it makes a difference if I tell you that this was a cyber-relationship only. I never met this person that I fantasized so much about, but he still somehow captured my heart for awhile and nearly tanked my marriage. So you'd better believe that when I had a second chance to save my marriage and my family, I was going to throw myself into that and let the AP fend for himself. I owed him nothing. We had both chosen to risk our marriages and our emotional well-being by pouring ourselves into a cyber-relationship. I would venture to say that it goes with the territory that anyone who engages in an emotional affair is egoistic. If I excelled at putting others first, especially my beloved family, I would never have drifted into an emotional affair.

I also want to say that in my situation, since it was a cyber-affair with someone I never met, I think I was particularly prone to "enhance" the qualities that I imagined the AP possessed. He was practically a figment of my imagination, compared to my real-life family. I actually don't have a clue what he would have been like in real life. (Would he have reacted calmly or impatiently to everyday stresses, for instance? Who knows?) But I think that tends to be true of all emotional affairs, which tend to take place in settings that are simpler than the complications and stresses of "real life."

He thought that a cyber-affair would be safe, not risking his marriage. But somehow, long after we went our separate ways online, his wife found his secret email account open online and read some of our old messages that he had never deleted, so she found out about the cyber-affair years after it had ended. He contacted me in a panic to alert me that his wife did not believe the relationship was really over and might be writing to me and I should not answer. She never did write to me. I don't know what I would have done if she did. It is just one more example of how an emotional affair can come back to bite you down the road; it was long over but he still got caught and had to suffer the fall-out. I don't know if she ever decided to trust him again or not.

As to your assertion, "You had responsibilities in [his] suffering," big sigh. Was that really my responsibility? Did I not have a bigger responsibility in regard to my husband's suffering and have a responsibility to do what I could to minimize further suffering? Honestly, if someone (the AP) is going to get involved with a married person, they should not expect the married person to take responsibility for potential future suffering. And the married person, by the simple fact of engaging in an emotional affair, is obviously not a person who can be counted on to protect a loved one from suffering. I fully confess to my own shortcomings in this regard! The married person having the EA is blatantly egoistic and exhibiting reckless disregard for others' emotional well-being. The married person having the EA is also fooling him or herself into thinking this situation is okay... or okay enough to justify the betrayal. Why in the world would the EA think that his or her needs would suddenly be deserving of protection just as the other person's marriage is imploding?

What I am trying to say is that EVERYONE should stay away from emotional affairs!! You are hurting your loved ones; you are hurting yourself; and you are going to end up hurting your affair partner too.... or your affair partner will end up hurting you. Either that or a marriage is going to collapse due to your selfishness. If your marriage sucks, get out of it first and then go find your emotional soulmate. Otherwise it's just a matter of time before your worlds collide or your inner world becomes as tormenting as your outer world, or more so.

[/quote]

You did not get my point. I understand that there was nothing you could do for your exAP after you had your fun with him and decided to go back to your "beloved" family.
Of course, he had his own responsibilities and had to deal with the consequences like a big boy. I still think that it is very cruel to say: "The AP was cast aside and probably felt pain; that was the least of my concerns at that point." 
[/quote]

Options

	Disable HTML in this message
	Disable BB Code in this message
	Disable smilies in this message

Review message

Search Recent Topics Hottest Topics