describe your emotional affair

[Anonymous]

if you had an intense emotional affair, what was it like? what happened?

[Anonymous]

Why are you asking?

[Anonymous]

ascertaining whether this is what is going on with me. -op

[Anonymous]

If you are wondering whether you are having an intense emotional affair, you probably are. If you are trying to figure out what might happen... The more intense it is and the longer it goes on, the more pain is coming down the road. But who ends up hurt depends on the choices you've made and will make going forward.

I've had an emotional affair. I wish now I had not gone down that path. I will regret it forever. My spouse deserved my emotional fidelity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you are wondering whether you are having an intense emotional affair, you probably are. If you are trying to figure out what might happen... The more intense it is and the longer it goes on, the more pain is coming down the road. But who ends up hurt depends on the choices you've made and will make going forward.

I've had an emotional affair. I wish now I had not gone down that path. I will regret it forever. My spouse deserved my emotional fidelity.

who ends up hurt? why did you do it? what did it feel like?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: who ends up hurt? why did you do it? what did it feel like?

Look, everyone's love life is a personal story. Mine should have no impact on yours. I really think you would do better to search inside your own heart and soul rather than rummaging around in the aftermath of anonymous strangers' wanderings. But anyhow...

Who ends up hurt? As I said above, it depends on the choices that are made.
I eventually made the choice to tell my spouse, who naturally felt betrayed, angry, and distrustful and insisted that all communication cease. That in turn heightened my own feelings of pain and confusion. But when my spouse finally opted to give our marriage another chance, I was very grateful and wanted to do all I could to make amends and restore trust. The AP was cast aside and probably felt pain; that was the least of my concerns at that point. But due to circumstances surrounding the upheaval, one of my almost-grown children also found out and that caused additional pain and confusion, and I honestly don't know if it forever altered my child's perception of me. It made me realize (which of course I should have realized all along) that I was risking not just my marriage but the love and trust of my children. No affair, whether emotional or physical, could be worth that risk. And for my particular situation, given that I also had a considerably younger child who did not know about my missteps, I can only hope that that child will never find out, but my past could still bite me in the future. And it is not fair to ask one sibling to keep a secret forever from another. Will my secret come out perhaps even after I am gone? It's too awful to contemplate that one of my beloved children might have unresolved anger toward me at a point when I could do nothing to ease it. So I continue to torment myself with regret for my selfish folly.

So anyhow, lots of people ended up hurt and could still end up hurt. And I hurt inside because I've had to acknowledge that I put my selfish needs before the needs of my loved ones. Why did I do it? I was feeling a bit neglected in my marriage, and having someone else be more responsive to me made me feel more alive and bright inside. Maybe some people start out with the intention of having an emotional or physical affair, but others just take one tiny step and another tiny step until you find yourself in deeper than you ever meant to be. And then it's very hard to extricate.

Any relationship that is new tends to feel enlivening and rewarding. It's really not fair to compare a new relationship with a well-worn relationship. It's all too easy to gravitate toward the new relationship that is unencumbered by the drudgery of everyday life.

What did it feel like? Sometimes great. But the only way it can feel great is to compartmentalize, and that ends up eating away at one's insides... or else you end up so successfully compartmentalizing that parts of you start to feel dead inside. So that's another kind of pain, the inner damage that we do to ourselves when we try not to think about the wrongness and dangers of what we are doing.

And sometimes it felt not-so-great anyhow, particularly when the two realities began to collide inside or because the AP said or did something that felt intrusive to my primary relationship. Or when I'd find myself thinking about the AP while in the arms of my spouse, at times when I did *not* want such a mental/emotional intrusion but could not shut it down. I also realized I had created an enhanced, idealized version of the AP in my mind or heart. So when the AP would occasionally reveal a natural human "flaw" (such as having needs, too, instead of being all about me), I would feel disillusioned and I would realize that this emotional relationship wasn't even real - or not entirely genuine, at any rate - because some of what was fulfilling was just my own fantasy version of the relationship.

And if I was going to enhance a relationship with mental and emotional gymnastics, I might as well put my energy toward my own marriage rather than draining time and emotional energy away from my marriage... either that, or make a clean break if I truly couldn't get my needs met in my marriage and if my needs were so important to me that I would risk my family for them.

Being in an emotional affair is sort of like starring in your own movie that doesn't yet have an ending. It's thrilling and suspenseful and you feel special. But it's a movie that you'd be ashamed to share with anyone you know. And unlike an absorbing movie that you can step in and out of, as an actor or a member of the audience, and return to your "real life" ... an emotional affair eventually shreds the fabric of your "real life."

I'm sure for some people, the emotional affair is so "worth it" that they don't mourn the loss of the old life, and they just move on with the new adventure and try not to fret too much about the pain and turmoil they are bringing to others. Or they figure they can just keep it secret indefinitely, having their cake and eating it too... and maybe it doesn't eat away at their souls as it did mine, and maybe they think that keeping a dark secret from a spouse is a harmless thing to do. Maybe they can live a fictional life forever.

I couldn't.

[Anonymous]

Mine was with a neighbor. We had toddlers the same age and worked on some projects together. We were both depressed. My marriage was abusive. It started out as hanging out sometimes. Being someone we could both talk to about the dark stuff. Then some kissing and groping. That was three years ago. And then some sexting 18 months ago when I left my marriage. We go through periods of talking lots and then not talking at all for months and months. We used to work out 3 days a week together, but can't now.

We went to happy hour last week. And we are both volunteering at a local event this weekend. Not intentionally together. That was an accident. There will be no physical contact at all anymore. Off the table. We used to have feelings for each other, but mine are gone. Bad divorce. Just friends. Nice to now have someone we can each call on when we hit a really bad period. I was in pain last week and called him to catch up so I did not spin out of control.

I think his wife knows something and doesn't want to know more. I am nice to her. I would stay away if she said to either of us she was uncomfortable. But she takes so much weight of the marriage, I think she likes not being the one saddled with his grief.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: who ends up hurt? why did you do it? what did it feel like?

Look, everyone's love life is a personal story. Mine should have no impact on yours. I really think you would do better to search inside your own heart and soul rather than rummaging around in the aftermath of anonymous strangers' wanderings. But anyhow...

Who ends up hurt? As I said above, it depends on the choices that are made.
I eventually made the choice to tell my spouse, who naturally felt betrayed, angry, and distrustful and insisted that all communication cease. That in turn heightened my own feelings of pain and confusion. But when my spouse finally opted to give our marriage another chance, I was very grateful and wanted to do all I could to make amends and restore trust. The AP was cast aside and probably felt pain; that was the least of my concerns at that point. But due to circumstances surrounding the upheaval, one of my almost-grown children also found out and that caused additional pain and confusion, and I honestly don't know if it forever altered my child's perception of me. It made me realize (which of course I should have realized all along) that I was risking not just my marriage but the love and trust of my children. No affair, whether emotional or physical, could be worth that risk. And for my particular situation, given that I also had a considerably younger child who did not know about my missteps, I can only hope that that child will never find out, but my past could still bite me in the future. And it is not fair to ask one sibling to keep a secret forever from another. Will my secret come out perhaps even after I am gone? It's too awful to contemplate that one of my beloved children might have unresolved anger toward me at a point when I could do nothing to ease it. So I continue to torment myself with regret for my selfish folly.

So anyhow, lots of people ended up hurt and could still end up hurt. And I hurt inside because I've had to acknowledge that I put my selfish needs before the needs of my loved ones. Why did I do it? I was feeling a bit neglected in my marriage, and having someone else be more responsive to me made me feel more alive and bright inside. Maybe some people start out with the intention of having an emotional or physical affair, but others just take one tiny step and another tiny step until you find yourself in deeper than you ever meant to be. And then it's very hard to extricate.

Any relationship that is new tends to feel enlivening and rewarding. It's really not fair to compare a new relationship with a well-worn relationship. It's all too easy to gravitate toward the new relationship that is unencumbered by the drudgery of everyday life.

What did it feel like? Sometimes great. But the only way it can feel great is to compartmentalize, and that ends up eating away at one's insides... or else you end up so successfully compartmentalizing that parts of you start to feel dead inside. So that's another kind of pain, the inner damage that we do to ourselves when we try not to think about the wrongness and dangers of what we are doing.

And sometimes it felt not-so-great anyhow, particularly when the two realities began to collide inside or because the AP said or did something that felt intrusive to my primary relationship. Or when I'd find myself thinking about the AP while in the arms of my spouse, at times when I did *not* want such a mental/emotional intrusion but could not shut it down. I also realized I had created an enhanced, idealized version of the AP in my mind or heart. So when the AP would occasionally reveal a natural human "flaw" (such as having needs, too, instead of being all about me), I would feel disillusioned and I would realize that this emotional relationship wasn't even real - or not entirely genuine, at any rate - because some of what was fulfilling was just my own fantasy version of the relationship.

And if I was going to enhance a relationship with mental and emotional gymnastics, I might as well put my energy toward my own marriage rather than draining time and emotional energy away from my marriage... either that, or make a clean break if I truly couldn't get my needs met in my marriage and if my needs were so important to me that I would risk my family for them.

Being in an emotional affair is sort of like starring in your own movie that doesn't yet have an ending. It's thrilling and suspenseful and you feel special. But it's a movie that you'd be ashamed to share with anyone you know. And unlike an absorbing movie that you can step in and out of, as an actor or a member of the audience, and return to your "real life" ... an emotional affair eventually shreds the fabric of your "real life."

I'm sure for some people, the emotional affair is so "worth it" that they don't mourn the loss of the old life, and they just move on with the new adventure and try not to fret too much about the pain and turmoil they are bringing to others. Or they figure they can just keep it secret indefinitely, having their cake and eating it too... and maybe it doesn't eat away at their souls as it did mine, and maybe they think that keeping a dark secret from a spouse is a harmless thing to do. Maybe they can live a fictional life forever.

I couldn't.

PP, this is so insightful and helpful. My situation is different due to years of emotional/verbal abuse and threats to divorce/take the kids/house/assets from me. I had an awakening a month ago, stopped caring about losing those things and realized I could regain happiness. I have decided to compartmentalize. Sometimes when I wake up to go to the gym, I mourn for the loss of the connection I had with my spouse and worry about my kids future. I have asked her to change/seek help but no dice. I was inexperience when we got involved/married and my parents basically will support me but also have told me I told you so.

I have connected with someone who is an open relationship and the way talks to me with kindness and looks at me makes me feel alive again. And now I am working towards a separation. As of now, I am able to compartmentalize and realize that I need to make my own heaven or hell.

[Anonymous]

Mine was with a coworker. I was always at work, never at home, and DH and I had drifted. We were on a project together that required lots of travel. Nothing physical happened, but we connected on an emotional level due to being together so much in such an awful job, and were attracted to each other. The situation ended when I found a new position with another company. I saw the guy twice since then (with other coworkers) and it was strangely awkward.

[Anonymous]

My was through facebook with a longtime ex. Ex is too strong of a word; we met on her family vacation and while I was touring colleges. I am a couple of years earlier. Really spent 1 night together. Fooled around, but nothing beyond kissing and touching.

Thirty years later (to the day), she contacted me through face book. It was not a good time in my marriage, and she was separated. Frankly, I had wondered how my life would have been different if....She was the first girl I kissed and touched that way.

We got to talking, and things got explicit. We almost met up once -- I had a work trip to her area, but it did not happened. But, we talked. And flirted, and sexted. But no physical contact.

My wife found out and all hell broke loose.

We cut off contact.

I later discovered she is a trump supporter, so it would not have worked out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: who ends up hurt? why did you do it? what did it feel like?

Look, everyone's love life is a personal story. Mine should have no impact on yours. I really think you would do better to search inside your own heart and soul rather than rummaging around in the aftermath of anonymous strangers' wanderings. But anyhow...

Who ends up hurt? As I said above, it depends on the choices that are made.
I eventually made the choice to tell my spouse, who naturally felt betrayed, angry, and distrustful and insisted that all communication cease. That in turn heightened my own feelings of pain and confusion. But when my spouse finally opted to give our marriage another chance, I was very grateful and wanted to do all I could to make amends and restore trust. The AP was cast aside and probably felt pain; that was the least of my concerns at that point. But due to circumstances surrounding the upheaval, one of my almost-grown children also found out and that caused additional pain and confusion, and I honestly don't know if it forever altered my child's perception of me. It made me realize (which of course I should have realized all along) that I was risking not just my marriage but the love and trust of my children. No affair, whether emotional or physical, could be worth that risk. And for my particular situation, given that I also had a considerably younger child who did not know about my missteps, I can only hope that that child will never find out, but my past could still bite me in the future. And it is not fair to ask one sibling to keep a secret forever from another. Will my secret come out perhaps even after I am gone? It's too awful to contemplate that one of my beloved children might have unresolved anger toward me at a point when I could do nothing to ease it. So I continue to torment myself with regret for my selfish folly.

So anyhow, lots of people ended up hurt and could still end up hurt. And I hurt inside because I've had to acknowledge that I put my selfish needs before the needs of my loved ones. Why did I do it? I was feeling a bit neglected in my marriage, and having someone else be more responsive to me made me feel more alive and bright inside. Maybe some people start out with the intention of having an emotional or physical affair, but others just take one tiny step and another tiny step until you find yourself in deeper than you ever meant to be. And then it's very hard to extricate.

Any relationship that is new tends to feel enlivening and rewarding. It's really not fair to compare a new relationship with a well-worn relationship. It's all too easy to gravitate toward the new relationship that is unencumbered by the drudgery of everyday life.

What did it feel like? Sometimes great. But the only way it can feel great is to compartmentalize, and that ends up eating away at one's insides... or else you end up so successfully compartmentalizing that parts of you start to feel dead inside. So that's another kind of pain, the inner damage that we do to ourselves when we try not to think about the wrongness and dangers of what we are doing.

And sometimes it felt not-so-great anyhow, particularly when the two realities began to collide inside or because the AP said or did something that felt intrusive to my primary relationship. Or when I'd find myself thinking about the AP while in the arms of my spouse, at times when I did *not* want such a mental/emotional intrusion but could not shut it down. I also realized I had created an enhanced, idealized version of the AP in my mind or heart. So when the AP would occasionally reveal a natural human "flaw" (such as having needs, too, instead of being all about me), I would feel disillusioned and I would realize that this emotional relationship wasn't even real - or not entirely genuine, at any rate - because some of what was fulfilling was just my own fantasy version of the relationship.

And if I was going to enhance a relationship with mental and emotional gymnastics, I might as well put my energy toward my own marriage rather than draining time and emotional energy away from my marriage... either that, or make a clean break if I truly couldn't get my needs met in my marriage and if my needs were so important to me that I would risk my family for them.

Being in an emotional affair is sort of like starring in your own movie that doesn't yet have an ending. It's thrilling and suspenseful and you feel special. But it's a movie that you'd be ashamed to share with anyone you know. And unlike an absorbing movie that you can step in and out of, as an actor or a member of the audience, and return to your "real life" ... an emotional affair eventually shreds the fabric of your "real life."

I'm sure for some people, the emotional affair is so "worth it" that they don't mourn the loss of the old life, and they just move on with the new adventure and try not to fret too much about the pain and turmoil they are bringing to others. Or they figure they can just keep it secret indefinitely, having their cake and eating it too... and maybe it doesn't eat away at their souls as it did mine, and maybe they think that keeping a dark secret from a spouse is a harmless thing to do. Maybe they can live a fictional life forever.

I couldn't.

You are not a bad person for having had an emotional affair, I think it can happen to pretty much everyone, with half of a heart. But I am disturbed but the fact that you did not care about the suffering of your AP after cutting ties and contacts with her, because you had responsibilities in her suffering. This is very egoistic but so common in human nature. Stay away from emotional affairs, that is not for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: who ends up hurt? why did you do it? what did it feel like?

Look, everyone's love life is a personal story. Mine should have no impact on yours. I really think you would do better to search inside your own heart and soul rather than rummaging around in the aftermath of anonymous strangers' wanderings. But anyhow...

Who ends up hurt? As I said above, it depends on the choices that are made.
I eventually made the choice to tell my spouse, who naturally felt betrayed, angry, and distrustful and insisted that all communication cease. That in turn heightened my own feelings of pain and confusion. But when my spouse finally opted to give our marriage another chance, I was very grateful and wanted to do all I could to make amends and restore trust. The AP was cast aside and probably felt pain; that was the least of my concerns at that point. But due to circumstances surrounding the upheaval, one of my almost-grown children also found out and that caused additional pain and confusion, and I honestly don't know if it forever altered my child's perception of me. It made me realize (which of course I should have realized all along) that I was risking not just my marriage but the love and trust of my children. No affair, whether emotional or physical, could be worth that risk. And for my particular situation, given that I also had a considerably younger child who did not know about my missteps, I can only hope that that child will never find out, but my past could still bite me in the future. And it is not fair to ask one sibling to keep a secret forever from another. Will my secret come out perhaps even after I am gone? It's too awful to contemplate that one of my beloved children might have unresolved anger toward me at a point when I could do nothing to ease it. So I continue to torment myself with regret for my selfish folly.

So anyhow, lots of people ended up hurt and could still end up hurt. And I hurt inside because I've had to acknowledge that I put my selfish needs before the needs of my loved ones. Why did I do it? I was feeling a bit neglected in my marriage, and having someone else be more responsive to me made me feel more alive and bright inside. Maybe some people start out with the intention of having an emotional or physical affair, but others just take one tiny step and another tiny step until you find yourself in deeper than you ever meant to be. And then it's very hard to extricate.

Any relationship that is new tends to feel enlivening and rewarding. It's really not fair to compare a new relationship with a well-worn relationship. It's all too easy to gravitate toward the new relationship that is unencumbered by the drudgery of everyday life.

What did it feel like? Sometimes great. But the only way it can feel great is to compartmentalize, and that ends up eating away at one's insides... or else you end up so successfully compartmentalizing that parts of you start to feel dead inside. So that's another kind of pain, the inner damage that we do to ourselves when we try not to think about the wrongness and dangers of what we are doing.

And sometimes it felt not-so-great anyhow, particularly when the two realities began to collide inside or because the AP said or did something that felt intrusive to my primary relationship. Or when I'd find myself thinking about the AP while in the arms of my spouse, at times when I did *not* want such a mental/emotional intrusion but could not shut it down. I also realized I had created an enhanced, idealized version of the AP in my mind or heart. So when the AP would occasionally reveal a natural human "flaw" (such as having needs, too, instead of being all about me), I would feel disillusioned and I would realize that this emotional relationship wasn't even real - or not entirely genuine, at any rate - because some of what was fulfilling was just my own fantasy version of the relationship.

And if I was going to enhance a relationship with mental and emotional gymnastics, I might as well put my energy toward my own marriage rather than draining time and emotional energy away from my marriage... either that, or make a clean break if I truly couldn't get my needs met in my marriage and if my needs were so important to me that I would risk my family for them.

Being in an emotional affair is sort of like starring in your own movie that doesn't yet have an ending. It's thrilling and suspenseful and you feel special. But it's a movie that you'd be ashamed to share with anyone you know. And unlike an absorbing movie that you can step in and out of, as an actor or a member of the audience, and return to your "real life" ... an emotional affair eventually shreds the fabric of your "real life."

I'm sure for some people, the emotional affair is so "worth it" that they don't mourn the loss of the old life, and they just move on with the new adventure and try not to fret too much about the pain and turmoil they are bringing to others. Or they figure they can just keep it secret indefinitely, having their cake and eating it too... and maybe it doesn't eat away at their souls as it did mine, and maybe they think that keeping a dark secret from a spouse is a harmless thing to do. Maybe they can live a fictional life forever.

I couldn't.

This is why these are so damaging. You end up developing feelings (sexual or romantic) for somebody other than your spouse. Even if you can cut the AP out of your life, what happens when those feelings linger.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: who ends up hurt? why did you do it? what did it feel like?

Look, everyone's love life is a personal story. Mine should have no impact on yours. I really think you would do better to search inside your own heart and soul rather than rummaging around in the aftermath of anonymous strangers' wanderings. But anyhow...

Who ends up hurt? As I said above, it depends on the choices that are made.
I eventually made the choice to tell my spouse, who naturally felt betrayed, angry, and distrustful and insisted that all communication cease. That in turn heightened my own feelings of pain and confusion. But when my spouse finally opted to give our marriage another chance, I was very grateful and wanted to do all I could to make amends and restore trust. The AP was cast aside and probably felt pain; that was the least of my concerns at that point. But due to circumstances surrounding the upheaval, one of my almost-grown children also found out and that caused additional pain and confusion, and I honestly don't know if it forever altered my child's perception of me. It made me realize (which of course I should have realized all along) that I was risking not just my marriage but the love and trust of my children. No affair, whether emotional or physical, could be worth that risk. And for my particular situation, given that I also had a considerably younger child who did not know about my missteps, I can only hope that that child will never find out, but my past could still bite me in the future. And it is not fair to ask one sibling to keep a secret forever from another. Will my secret come out perhaps even after I am gone? It's too awful to contemplate that one of my beloved children might have unresolved anger toward me at a point when I could do nothing to ease it. So I continue to torment myself with regret for my selfish folly.

So anyhow, lots of people ended up hurt and could still end up hurt. And I hurt inside because I've had to acknowledge that I put my selfish needs before the needs of my loved ones. Why did I do it? I was feeling a bit neglected in my marriage, and having someone else be more responsive to me made me feel more alive and bright inside. Maybe some people start out with the intention of having an emotional or physical affair, but others just take one tiny step and another tiny step until you find yourself in deeper than you ever meant to be. And then it's very hard to extricate.

Any relationship that is new tends to feel enlivening and rewarding. It's really not fair to compare a new relationship with a well-worn relationship. It's all too easy to gravitate toward the new relationship that is unencumbered by the drudgery of everyday life.

What did it feel like? Sometimes great. But the only way it can feel great is to compartmentalize, and that ends up eating away at one's insides... or else you end up so successfully compartmentalizing that parts of you start to feel dead inside. So that's another kind of pain, the inner damage that we do to ourselves when we try not to think about the wrongness and dangers of what we are doing.

And sometimes it felt not-so-great anyhow, particularly when the two realities began to collide inside or because the AP said or did something that felt intrusive to my primary relationship. Or when I'd find myself thinking about the AP while in the arms of my spouse, at times when I did *not* want such a mental/emotional intrusion but could not shut it down. I also realized I had created an enhanced, idealized version of the AP in my mind or heart. So when the AP would occasionally reveal a natural human "flaw" (such as having needs, too, instead of being all about me), I would feel disillusioned and I would realize that this emotional relationship wasn't even real - or not entirely genuine, at any rate - because some of what was fulfilling was just my own fantasy version of the relationship.

And if I was going to enhance a relationship with mental and emotional gymnastics, I might as well put my energy toward my own marriage rather than draining time and emotional energy away from my marriage... either that, or make a clean break if I truly couldn't get my needs met in my marriage and if my needs were so important to me that I would risk my family for them.

Being in an emotional affair is sort of like starring in your own movie that doesn't yet have an ending. It's thrilling and suspenseful and you feel special. But it's a movie that you'd be ashamed to share with anyone you know. And unlike an absorbing movie that you can step in and out of, as an actor or a member of the audience, and return to your "real life" ... an emotional affair eventually shreds the fabric of your "real life."

I'm sure for some people, the emotional affair is so "worth it" that they don't mourn the loss of the old life, and they just move on with the new adventure and try not to fret too much about the pain and turmoil they are bringing to others. Or they figure they can just keep it secret indefinitely, having their cake and eating it too... and maybe it doesn't eat away at their souls as it did mine, and maybe they think that keeping a dark secret from a spouse is a harmless thing to do. Maybe they can live a fictional life forever.

I couldn't.

You are not a bad person for having had an emotional affair, I think it can happen to pretty much everyone, with half of a heart. But I am disturbed but the fact that you did not care about the suffering of your AP after cutting ties and contacts with her, because you had responsibilities in her suffering. This is very egoistic but so common in human nature. Stay away from emotional affairs, that is not for you.

+1

[Anonymous]

My Ex-H would sneak to a far off corner to leave “work” vm for a co-worker. Said he needed quiet. He would leave me sitting in rush-hour traffic waiting for him to come out to drive home, so that he could leave his coworker love messages on her voicemail...she was married he was married. They both were in the wrong . it was office communication which was discovered. they also took the emails .
I found out another way, but his office found out and put his job at risk. I confronted -we separated . we have children . Emotional cheating delivered pain to me and my kids. something like this causes many people to get hurt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
You are not a bad person for having had an emotional affair, I think it can happen to pretty much everyone, with half of a heart. But I am disturbed but the fact that you did not care about the suffering of your AP after cutting ties and contacts with her, because you had responsibilities in her suffering. This is very egoistic but so common in human nature. Stay away from emotional affairs, that is not for you.

Anonymous wrote:

+1

I'm the PP who wrote the long message sharing my personal story. Believe me, I am staying away from emotional affairs from now on. But it is odd to me that this is your primary take-away from my story - basically scolding me for not caring about the well-being of the AP after the shit hit the fan. (Also you made assumptions about gender of AP. I did not think it mattered and wanted to avoid stereotypes, but now I will clarify. I am a woman; AP was a man.) Also I didn't think it really mattered to explain this in my earlier narrative, but perhaps it makes a difference if I tell you that this was a cyber-relationship only. I never met this person that I fantasized so much about, but he still somehow captured my heart for awhile and nearly tanked my marriage. So you'd better believe that when I had a second chance to save my marriage and my family, I was going to throw myself into that and let the AP fend for himself. I owed him nothing. We had both chosen to risk our marriages and our emotional well-being by pouring ourselves into a cyber-relationship. I would venture to say that it goes with the territory that anyone who engages in an emotional affair is egoistic. If I excelled at putting others first, especially my beloved family, I would never have drifted into an emotional affair.

I also want to say that in my situation, since it was a cyber-affair with someone I never met, I think I was particularly prone to "enhance" the qualities that I imagined the AP possessed. He was practically a figment of my imagination, compared to my real-life family. I actually don't have a clue what he would have been like in real life. (Would he have reacted calmly or impatiently to everyday stresses, for instance? Who knows?) But I think that tends to be true of all emotional affairs, which tend to take place in settings that are simpler than the complications and stresses of "real life."

He thought that a cyber-affair would be safe, not risking his marriage. But somehow, long after we went our separate ways online, his wife found his secret email account open online and read some of our old messages that he had never deleted, so she found out about the cyber-affair years after it had ended. He contacted me in a panic to alert me that his wife did not believe the relationship was really over and might be writing to me and I should not answer. She never did write to me. I don't know what I would have done if she did. It is just one more example of how an emotional affair can come back to bite you down the road; it was long over but he still got caught and had to suffer the fall-out. I don't know if she ever decided to trust him again or not.

As to your assertion, "You had responsibilities in [his] suffering," big sigh. Was that really my responsibility? Did I not have a bigger responsibility in regard to my husband's suffering and have a responsibility to do what I could to minimize further suffering? Honestly, if someone (the AP) is going to get involved with a married person, they should not expect the married person to take responsibility for potential future suffering. And the married person, by the simple fact of engaging in an emotional affair, is obviously not a person who can be counted on to protect a loved one from suffering. I fully confess to my own shortcomings in this regard! The married person having the EA is blatantly egoistic and exhibiting reckless disregard for others' emotional well-being. The married person having the EA is also fooling him or herself into thinking this situation is okay... or okay enough to justify the betrayal. Why in the world would the EA think that his or her needs would suddenly be deserving of protection just as the other person's marriage is imploding?

What I am trying to say is that EVERYONE should stay away from emotional affairs!! You are hurting your loved ones; you are hurting yourself; and you are going to end up hurting your affair partner too.... or your affair partner will end up hurting you. Either that or a marriage is going to collapse due to your selfishness. If your marriage sucks, get out of it first and then go find your emotional soulmate. Otherwise it's just a matter of time before your worlds collide or your inner world becomes as tormenting as your outer world, or more so.