describe your emotional affair

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is the right action to take when your spouse has no interest in either real intimacy or divorce? Is it possible for both of you to agree that a series of EAs can be acceptable?

A series of EAs? How do you establish relationships with multiple people so easily? Not the same as having multiple one-night stands, where there is no continuing contact and communication. Sounds exhausting.

NP, it is exhausting when you still raising kids. It takes alot of time mutually respect/attraction/patience. I have two partners now who are older than me (kids are older like out of high school). One has gotten physical and the other is on the verge. I wish that my DW would look at me and talk to me(with kindness) like the way these women do. Basically, it validated everything I have known for years now. At a certain point, patience and frustration runs out and I needed to take action.

Then it is not an emotional affair you are having. You are now having a physical affair and about to have another. So does these other women know about the other?

Yes she knows there's another woman interested in me and she has someone else as well. It really isn't an ideal situation and will probably end badly.

Why don't you just end it with the first woman before getting physical with the second?

PP, because we are all willing participants. Everyone needs are being met somewhat. I am high drive early 40s they know and the fact that two women desire me who are physically different
I am very self-serving but my self-esteem was shredded by my DW for years and now being reestablished.

Its like an amazing drug and kick. No one here probably gets it.

[Anonymous]

I am happy my friend/colleague found the love he deserved though his emotional and physical affair. And it is okay it was not with me. To each their own. <3

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is the right action to take when your spouse has no interest in either real intimacy or divorce? Is it possible for both of you to agree that a series of EAs can be acceptable?

A series of EAs? How do you establish relationships with multiple people so easily? Not the same as having multiple one-night stands, where there is no continuing contact and communication. Sounds exhausting.

NP, it is exhausting when you still raising kids. It takes alot of time mutually respect/attraction/patience. I have two partners now who are older than me (kids are older like out of high school). One has gotten physical and the other is on the verge. I wish that my DW would look at me and talk to me(with kindness) like the way these women do. Basically, it validated everything I have known for years now. At a certain point, patience and frustration runs out and I needed to take action.

Then it is not an emotional affair you are having. You are now having a physical affair and about to have another. So does these other women know about the other?

Yes she knows there's another woman interested in me and she has someone else as well. It really isn't an ideal situation and will probably end badly.

Why don't you just end it with the first woman before getting physical with the second?

PP, because we are all willing participants. Everyone needs are being met somewhat. I am high drive early 40s they know and the fact that two women desire me who are physically different
I am very self-serving but my self-esteem was shredded by my DW for years and now being reestablished.

Its like an amazing drug and kick. No one here probably gets it.

This and other posts elsewhere are why affairs are not all about sex: it is the ego-stroking and the illicit thrill involved in carrying on outside the marriage.

PP - do you actually have any feelings for either of these other women? Say you love them? What would you do if both women walked away?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: who ends up hurt? why did you do it? what did it feel like?

Look, everyone's love life is a personal story. Mine should have no impact on yours. I really think you would do better to search inside your own heart and soul rather than rummaging around in the aftermath of anonymous strangers' wanderings. But anyhow...

Who ends up hurt? As I said above, it depends on the choices that are made.
I eventually made the choice to tell my spouse, who naturally felt betrayed, angry, and distrustful and insisted that all communication cease. That in turn heightened my own feelings of pain and confusion. But when my spouse finally opted to give our marriage another chance, I was very grateful and wanted to do all I could to make amends and restore trust. The AP was cast aside and probably felt pain; that was the least of my concerns at that point. But due to circumstances surrounding the upheaval, one of my almost-grown children also found out and that caused additional pain and confusion, and I honestly don't know if it forever altered my child's perception of me. It made me realize (which of course I should have realized all along) that I was risking not just my marriage but the love and trust of my children. No affair, whether emotional or physical, could be worth that risk. And for my particular situation, given that I also had a considerably younger child who did not know about my missteps, I can only hope that that child will never find out, but my past could still bite me in the future. And it is not fair to ask one sibling to keep a secret forever from another. Will my secret come out perhaps even after I am gone? It's too awful to contemplate that one of my beloved children might have unresolved anger toward me at a point when I could do nothing to ease it. So I continue to torment myself with regret for my selfish folly.

So anyhow, lots of people ended up hurt and could still end up hurt. And I hurt inside because I've had to acknowledge that I put my selfish needs before the needs of my loved ones. Why did I do it? I was feeling a bit neglected in my marriage, and having someone else be more responsive to me made me feel more alive and bright inside. Maybe some people start out with the intention of having an emotional or physical affair, but others just take one tiny step and another tiny step until you find yourself in deeper than you ever meant to be. And then it's very hard to extricate.

Any relationship that is new tends to feel enlivening and rewarding. It's really not fair to compare a new relationship with a well-worn relationship. It's all too easy to gravitate toward the new relationship that is unencumbered by the drudgery of everyday life.

What did it feel like? Sometimes great. But the only way it can feel great is to compartmentalize, and that ends up eating away at one's insides... or else you end up so successfully compartmentalizing that parts of you start to feel dead inside. So that's another kind of pain, the inner damage that we do to ourselves when we try not to think about the wrongness and dangers of what we are doing.

And sometimes it felt not-so-great anyhow, particularly when the two realities began to collide inside or because the AP said or did something that felt intrusive to my primary relationship. Or when I'd find myself thinking about the AP while in the arms of my spouse, at times when I did *not* want such a mental/emotional intrusion but could not shut it down. I also realized I had created an enhanced, idealized version of the AP in my mind or heart. So when the AP would occasionally reveal a natural human "flaw" (such as having needs, too, instead of being all about me), I would feel disillusioned and I would realize that this emotional relationship wasn't even real - or not entirely genuine, at any rate - because some of what was fulfilling was just my own fantasy version of the relationship.

And if I was going to enhance a relationship with mental and emotional gymnastics, I might as well put my energy toward my own marriage rather than draining time and emotional energy away from my marriage... either that, or make a clean break if I truly couldn't get my needs met in my marriage and if my needs were so important to me that I would risk my family for them.

Being in an emotional affair is sort of like starring in your own movie that doesn't yet have an ending. It's thrilling and suspenseful and you feel special. But it's a movie that you'd be ashamed to share with anyone you know. And unlike an absorbing movie that you can step in and out of, as an actor or a member of the audience, and return to your "real life" ... an emotional affair eventually shreds the fabric of your "real life."

I'm sure for some people, the emotional affair is so "worth it" that they don't mourn the loss of the old life, and they just move on with the new adventure and try not to fret too much about the pain and turmoil they are bringing to others. Or they figure they can just keep it secret indefinitely, having their cake and eating it too... and maybe it doesn't eat away at their souls as it did mine, and maybe they think that keeping a dark secret from a spouse is a harmless thing to do. Maybe they can live a fictional life forever.

I couldn't.

PP, this is so insightful and helpful. My situation is different due to years of emotional/verbal abuse and threats to divorce/take the kids/house/assets from me. I had an awakening a month ago, stopped caring about losing those things and realized I could regain happiness. I have decided to compartmentalize. Sometimes when I wake up to go to the gym, I mourn for the loss of the connection I had with my spouse and worry about my kids future. I have asked her to change/seek help but no dice. I was inexperience when we got involved/married and my parents basically will support me but also have told me I told you so.

I have connected with someone who is an open relationship and the way talks to me with kindness and looks at me makes me feel alive again. And now I am working towards a separation. As of now, I am able to compartmentalize and realize that I need to make my own heaven or hell.

Is that you, op?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is the right action to take when your spouse has no interest in either real intimacy or divorce? Is it possible for both of you to agree that a series of EAs can be acceptable?

A series of EAs? How do you establish relationships with multiple people so easily? Not the same as having multiple one-night stands, where there is no continuing contact and communication. Sounds exhausting.

NP, it is exhausting when you still raising kids. It takes alot of time mutually respect/attraction/patience. I have two partners now who are older than me (kids are older like out of high school). One has gotten physical and the other is on the verge. I wish that my DW would look at me and talk to me(with kindness) like the way these women do. Basically, it validated everything I have known for years now. At a certain point, patience and frustration runs out and I needed to take action.

Then it is not an emotional affair you are having. You are now having a physical affair and about to have another. So does these other women know about the other?

Yes she knows there's another woman interested in me and she has someone else as well. It really isn't an ideal situation and will probably end badly.

Why don't you just end it with the first woman before getting physical with the second?

PP, because we are all willing participants. Everyone needs are being met somewhat. I am high drive early 40s they know and the fact that two women desire me who are physically different
I am very self-serving but my self-esteem was shredded by my DW for years and now being reestablished.

Its like an amazing drug and kick. No one here probably gets it.

This and other posts elsewhere are why affairs are not all about sex: it is the ego-stroking and the illicit thrill involved in carrying on outside the marriage.

PP - do you actually have any feelings for either of these other women? Say you love them? What would you do if both women walked away?

One woman I do because she is smart and outside physically I value that. No love yet. They walked away start over for the search.

[Anonymous]

I can describe my husband's EA to the extent that I know about it.

We had been married for a little over 3 years and decided to try to have a baby (we had always wanted them, waited for career reasons, etc.) Got pregnant, had a miscarriage. He handled it... poorly. Behavior was that of a very depressed person - didn't enjoy his typical hobbies, generally low/unhappy, started trying all kinds of new "activities", which included happy hours with coworkers that lasted all through the night. During these happy hours, he started talking to a female coworker and they became close. He would confess to her the problems we were having in our marriage, because he felt that I was not being supportive of him during the miscarriage aftermath. She is supportive of him, listens to him, is a distraction for him... while I am just a reminder of what he has lost. This grows into spending more and more time together at work and outside of work, and texting. I do not know the full extent of this but the amount that I do know... it was a lot.

In a weird way, I sort of get it. During the year + this dragged on and then turned into a whole different problem in our marriage that we were never able to overcome, it was the absolute loneliest time of my life. I have never ever felt so alone, despite having friends, family and a husband. I wanted so badly to feel loved and appreciated. If some man had come along that I connected with in ANY way, I can see how people get wrapped in it. When you are at your lowest point, a place that you never thought you would be, and someone offers you an escape, it is extremely hard not to take it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can describe my husband's EA to the extent that I know about it.

We had been married for a little over 3 years and decided to try to have a baby (we had always wanted them, waited for career reasons, etc.) Got pregnant, had a miscarriage. He handled it... poorly. Behavior was that of a very depressed person - didn't enjoy his typical hobbies, generally low/unhappy, started trying all kinds of new "activities", which included happy hours with coworkers that lasted all through the night. During these happy hours, he started talking to a female coworker and they became close. He would confess to her the problems we were having in our marriage, because he felt that I was not being supportive of him during the miscarriage aftermath. She is supportive of him, listens to him, is a distraction for him... while I am just a reminder of what he has lost. This grows into spending more and more time together at work and outside of work, and texting. I do not know the full extent of this but the amount that I do know... it was a lot.

In a weird way, I sort of get it. During the year + this dragged on and then turned into a whole different problem in our marriage that we were never able to overcome, it was the absolute loneliest time of my life. I have never ever felt so alone, despite having friends, family and a husband. I wanted so badly to feel loved and appreciated. If some man had come along that I connected with in ANY way, I can see how people get wrapped in it. When you are at your lowest point, a place that you never thought you would be, and someone offers you an escape, it is extremely hard not to take it.

How did it end, pp, if it did?

[Anonymous]

My EA started with mutual flirting with a married coworker, now almost 2 yrs ago. Besides the physical attraction, we had many things in common that were not present and couldn't be enjoyed in our marriages. We went out to lunch only a few times, but had plenty of time together in the office for our feelings to grow. She had been caught in an affair several years prior, and has been in single marital counseling since. Becoming attracted to me (and me to her) was not exactly what her therapist ordered. She has Narcissistic tendencies, and between her hot/cold manipulation and her history, the EA was an emotional roller coaster for me. After a harsh "discard" last August, I gave up on any frequent interaction. I still find her incredibly attractive in many ways, but I recognize what a danger she poses to my emotional health and maintain a safe distance.

[Anonymous]

PP - did your EA ever get physical?

You know this can get rekindled at any time, right?