XH has girlfriend

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, consider that the more people who love your daughter, and the more people she loves, in the world is a good thing.

Love isn’t a finite resource. It’s not a competition. What your ex is saying is hurtful, but I’m sure it’s at least one reason why he’s the ex.

Love doesn't come with claims. Love only wants to give.

A friend of mine was going through similar issues when her ex-DH family tried to tell her what to do with her children on the basis of "we are family too and we love her so we have the right to weigh in". She had a perfect comeback. "You say you love her? Prove it. Put your house in my DD's name and then we'll talk. Don't send love, send money. Otherwise you're just dealing in words."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, consider that the more people who love your daughter, and the more people she loves, in the world is a good thing.

Love isn’t a finite resource. It’s not a competition. What your ex is saying is hurtful, but I’m sure it’s at least one reason why he’s the ex.

Love doesn't come with claims. Love only wants to give.

A friend of mine was going through similar issues when her ex-DH family tried to tell her what to do with her children on the basis of "we are family too and we love her so we have the right to weigh in". She had a perfect comeback. "You say you love her? Prove it. Put your house in my DD's name and then we'll talk. Don't send love, send money. Otherwise you're just dealing in words."

Sorry, what? You think it was a good comeback to respond that money = love? That if Ex-DH wasn't willing to give away his house, he didn't love his DD? WTF? I don't know anything about the particulars of their situation, but holy shit is that a terrible message to send to her DD.

[Anonymous]

EX-H can't claim more visitation on her behalf, but he can request more visitation with your daughter and then allow his gf to have more time with her. You can also petition to have rules put in like the ex can't allow kids to be around gf until they've been together for 1 year. I have several friends with that stipulation. It protects the kids from getting attached to new people who aren't going to be in their lives for too long.

[Anonymous]

This is OP. Just to clarify my concerns: I'm not worried that XH has a GF and I'm not worried whether DD "loves" her or me more. I'm worried my XH is using the GF as a reason to 1) argue for expanded custody (we have 50/50 currently) and 2) is talking to our child about this ("but you love GF so much, wouldn't you like to see her more?" etc). It would not be the first time XH has "complained" about me being "rigid" and "unreasonable" to DD. I can easily see how the little insinuations will go ("well, your mother won't let new GF and you go to American Girl Doll store for tea because your mother wouldn't give us that weekend," etc.)

I want advice on how to discuss expanded custody with XH. I'm not inclined to do it for any reason--but particularly this reason--but obviously don't want to fan the flames of acrimony. And I want advice about how to talk with DD if she gets put into the middle of this quarrel.

[Anonymous]

Tell him he has 50/50which is reasonable. You support a relationship with gf but it is not her job to parent his child. It is his.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, consider that the more people who love your daughter, and the more people she loves, in the world is a good thing.

Love isn’t a finite resource. It’s not a competition. What your ex is saying is hurtful, but I’m sure it’s at least one reason why he’s the ex.

Love doesn't come with claims. Love only wants to give.

A friend of mine was going through similar issues when her ex-DH family tried to tell her what to do with her children on the basis of "we are family too and we love her so we have the right to weigh in". She had a perfect comeback. "You say you love her? Prove it. Put your house in my DD's name and then we'll talk. Don't send love, send money. Otherwise you're just dealing in words."

Sorry, what? You think it was a good comeback to respond that money = love? That if Ex-DH wasn't willing to give away his house, he didn't love his DD? WTF? I don't know anything about the particulars of their situation, but holy shit is that a terrible message to send to her DD.

Learn to read, will you? I wrote "ex-DH's family". Family. Not her father. I personally thought it was a perfect come back to put in their place random cousins, uncles and aunts who all had opinions on how DD ought to be raised because "we are family and we love her".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. Just to clarify my concerns: I'm not worried that XH has a GF and I'm not worried whether DD "loves" her or me more. I'm worried my XH is using the GF as a reason to 1) argue for expanded custody (we have 50/50 currently) and 2) is talking to our child about this ("but you love GF so much, wouldn't you like to see her more?" etc). It would not be the first time XH has "complained" about me being "rigid" and "unreasonable" to DD. I can easily see how the little insinuations will go ("well, your mother won't let new GF and you go to American Girl Doll store for tea because your mother wouldn't give us that weekend," etc.)

I want advice on how to discuss expanded custody with XH. I'm not inclined to do it for any reason--but particularly this reason--but obviously don't want to fan the flames of acrimony. And I want advice about how to talk with DD if she gets put into the middle of this quarrel.

Did he actually say anything about expanded custody time? You know that he can't just wish for expanded custody time, he has to go to court to ask for it. No judge will give him more custody time (by taking it away from you) because there is a GF in the picture. And you don't have to discuss it with him at all. You have a custody agreement, and that's the end of it. If he wants more, let him go to court. Don't engage unless you have to.

I wouldn't discuss it with your child at all. If she says anything or repeats anything your ex told her, just say, this is grown-up business. How old is your daughter? If he presses the issue with your child, I would have my attorney send him a threatening letter about parental alienation. He is not supposed to badmouth you to her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, consider that the more people who love your daughter, and the more people she loves, in the world is a good thing.

Love isn’t a finite resource. It’s not a competition. What your ex is saying is hurtful, but I’m sure it’s at least one reason why he’s the ex.

Love doesn't come with claims. Love only wants to give.

A friend of mine was going through similar issues when her ex-DH family tried to tell her what to do with her children on the basis of "we are family too and we love her so we have the right to weigh in". She had a perfect comeback. "You say you love her? Prove it. Put your house in my DD's name and then we'll talk. Don't send love, send money. Otherwise you're just dealing in words."

Sorry, what? You think it was a good comeback to respond that money = love? That if Ex-DH wasn't willing to give away his house, he didn't love his DD? WTF? I don't know anything about the particulars of their situation, but holy shit is that a terrible message to send to her DD.

Learn to read, will you? I wrote "ex-DH's family". Family. Not her father. I personally thought it was a perfect come back to put in their place random cousins, uncles and aunts who all had opinions on how DD ought to be raised because "we are family and we love her".

NP - It doesn't matter whose family it is...ex or not. To say that the only way to show love is to give someone money is F'd up. A better response would have just been "they are my children and your opinion does not matter" and then ignore them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, consider that the more people who love your daughter, and the more people she loves, in the world is a good thing.

Love isn’t a finite resource. It’s not a competition. What your ex is saying is hurtful, but I’m sure it’s at least one reason why he’s the ex.

Love doesn't come with claims. Love only wants to give.

A friend of mine was going through similar issues when her ex-DH family tried to tell her what to do with her children on the basis of "we are family too and we love her so we have the right to weigh in". She had a perfect comeback. "You say you love her? Prove it. Put your house in my DD's name and then we'll talk. Don't send love, send money. Otherwise you're just dealing in words."

Sorry, what? You think it was a good comeback to respond that money = love? That if Ex-DH wasn't willing to give away his house, he didn't love his DD? WTF? I don't know anything about the particulars of their situation, but holy shit is that a terrible message to send to her DD.

Learn to read, will you? I wrote "ex-DH's family". Family. Not her father. I personally thought it was a perfect come back to put in their place random cousins, uncles and aunts who all had opinions on how DD ought to be raised because "we are family and we love her".

But is the mom’s house in DD’s name? Unless the answer is yes, then she also doesn’t “love DD enough” even by her own standards.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, consider that the more people who love your daughter, and the more people she loves, in the world is a good thing.

Love isn’t a finite resource. It’s not a competition. What your ex is saying is hurtful, but I’m sure it’s at least one reason why he’s the ex.

Love doesn't come with claims. Love only wants to give.

A friend of mine was going through similar issues when her ex-DH family tried to tell her what to do with her children on the basis of "we are family too and we love her so we have the right to weigh in". She had a perfect comeback. "You say you love her? Prove it. Put your house in my DD's name and then we'll talk. Don't send love, send money. Otherwise you're just dealing in words."

Sorry, what? You think it was a good comeback to respond that money = love? That if Ex-DH wasn't willing to give away his house, he didn't love his DD? WTF? I don't know anything about the particulars of their situation, but holy shit is that a terrible message to send to her DD.

Learn to read, will you? I wrote "ex-DH's family". Family. Not her father. I personally thought it was a perfect come back to put in their place random cousins, uncles and aunts who all had opinions on how DD ought to be raised because "we are family and we love her".

But is the mom’s house in DD’s name? Unless the answer is yes, then she also doesn’t “love DD enough” even by her own standards.

She loved her enough to birth her. Other people have to do other things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, consider that the more people who love your daughter, and the more people she loves, in the world is a good thing.

Love isn’t a finite resource. It’s not a competition. What your ex is saying is hurtful, but I’m sure it’s at least one reason why he’s the ex.

Love doesn't come with claims. Love only wants to give.

A friend of mine was going through similar issues when her ex-DH family tried to tell her what to do with her children on the basis of "we are family too and we love her so we have the right to weigh in". She had a perfect comeback. "You say you love her? Prove it. Put your house in my DD's name and then we'll talk. Don't send love, send money. Otherwise you're just dealing in words."

Sorry, what? You think it was a good comeback to respond that money = love? That if Ex-DH wasn't willing to give away his house, he didn't love his DD? WTF? I don't know anything about the particulars of their situation, but holy shit is that a terrible message to send to her DD.

Learn to read, will you? I wrote "ex-DH's family". Family. Not her father. I personally thought it was a perfect come back to put in their place random cousins, uncles and aunts who all had opinions on how DD ought to be raised because "we are family and we love her".

NP - It doesn't matter whose family it is...ex or not. To say that the only way to show love is to give someone money is F'd up. A better response would have just been "they are my children and your opinion does not matter" and then ignore them.

If you want to claim any role in the life of a child not your own, show first what you have to give to the child beyond claims of love.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, consider that the more people who love your daughter, and the more people she loves, in the world is a good thing.

Love isn’t a finite resource. It’s not a competition. What your ex is saying is hurtful, but I’m sure it’s at least one reason why he’s the ex.

Dear God, please don't respond on this board because you have NO CLUE what you are talking about!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, consider that the more people who love your daughter, and the more people she loves, in the world is a good thing.

Love isn’t a finite resource. It’s not a competition. What your ex is saying is hurtful, but I’m sure it’s at least one reason why he’s the ex.

stop. It's not just hurtful, it's abusive. The ex is not saying dC likes my girlfriend and we all like to spend my cuatodial time together. ExH is saying, DC likes my gF better than BioMom and therefore GF should have more time, and BioMom less.

OP, as the biological parent you should have at least 50% custody. Focus on making that time meaningful for you and your DC. there is no such thing as a separate custodial right for GFs. If your ex eants to spend his custodial time with gF and DC, there is nit much you can do about it. Unfortunately, if your Ex wants to leave your DC in the custody of GF alone on his custodial time, there is also not much you can do about that. Many divorced coues have a principle of "right of first refusal" in the custody avreement to prevent such situations. this means that if a parent can't spend their custodial time with a child, they must offer it to the other parent first before leaving the child with a babysitter, girlfriend or boyfriend, etc.

This statement is mathematically troubling.

[Anonymous]

I'm dating a man with an 11-year-old daughter. She's wonderful and fills my maternal need without my having to go through childbirth. That means I can keep my career and my interests, and spend significant time giving his daughter a healthy, normal maternal figure.

My boyfriend's ex is mad because, like in OP's situation, DD likes me far more than her Mom. Most do. The ex is 43, about 35 pounds overweight (a size 12), graying, has a bad back, and is stuck in her admin job.

Meanwhile, my BF and I met when I was an atmosphere model at a charity event for which his firm bought a table. He was just fascinating to talk with. He had just made partner, and had such an exciting vision for how he could navigate these crazy times for his clients. After all, any money he can save in taxes goes to his clients to buy back stock, or hire people, or otherwise make the company stronger. That's good for everyone.

We're both active people, so I agreed to go rock climbing with him the next weekend. He's just such a kind man, one who makes you feel like a princess when he picks you up in his grown up's vehicle. He even brought a picnic from Dean and DeLuca that he packed and carried himself. It's been just over a year now and we are happier than ever.

So yeah, if you're an 11-year-old girl entering middle school, who would YOU want to bring you to a dance? Your Dad's cool, gorgeous friend, or your haggard Mom? As the kids say, well Duh, but if you want to be DCUM and favor the Mom, well you do you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm dating a man with an 11-year-old daughter. She's wonderful and fills my maternal need without my having to go through childbirth. That means I can keep my career and my interests, and spend significant time giving his daughter a healthy, normal maternal figure.

My boyfriend's ex is mad because, like in OP's situation, DD likes me far more than her Mom. Most do. The ex is 43, about 35 pounds overweight (a size 12), graying, has a bad back, and is stuck in her admin job.

Meanwhile, my BF and I met when I was an atmosphere model at a charity event for which his firm bought a table. He was just fascinating to talk with. He had just made partner, and had such an exciting vision for how he could navigate these crazy times for his clients. After all, any money he can save in taxes goes to his clients to buy back stock, or hire people, or otherwise make the company stronger. That's good for everyone.

We're both active people, so I agreed to go rock climbing with him the next weekend. He's just such a kind man, one who makes you feel like a princess when he picks you up in his grown up's vehicle. He even brought a picnic from Dean and DeLuca that he packed and carried himself. It's been just over a year now and we are happier than ever.

So yeah, if you're an 11-year-old girl entering middle school, who would YOU want to bring you to a dance? Your Dad's cool, gorgeous friend, or your haggard Mom? As the kids say, well Duh, but if you want to be DCUM and favor the Mom, well you do you.

Please do any future kids a favor and don't have them. You are horrific.