Sleeping with married men

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Very interesting article in today's NYT on the above. I'd love to hear others reactions.

https://www.nytimes.com/2018/04/06/style/modern-love-sleeping-with-married-men-infidelity.html?rref=collection%2Fcolumn%2Fmodern-love&action=click&contentCollection=fashion®ion=stream&module=stream_unit&version=latest&contentPlacement=1&pgtype=collection

I read this. Stupid, navel gazing, clickbait. All of her “insights” are based on whatever these dudes told her. I actually can’t believe someone published this as you could learn more from reading dcum.

+1 For one, I think she's naive for thinking that she was getting honest answers from them. I mean, they're lying to their wives; what makes her think they're not lying to her?

Second, even if they weren't lying, her assumption seems to be "if only they could talk about it!" I'm not sure that's true. There are women who aren't interested in having sex with their spouse but also don't want their spouse to have sex with other people. Just search DCUM and you'll find that.

There's also the assumption that the lack of desire in their wives is just because they want a "different kind of sex." I'm not convinced of that. I think in many cases, women married their husbands for a lot of reasons and none of them have to do with sex. They probably didn't notice in the beginning because other things were able to cause them to be temporarily attracted to their husbands (the newness of the relationship, the desire to have children, etc.), but later they realize they were never really all that attracted to their husbands anyway. Or they were once attracted to them, but that has faded. Women like to find a million other reasons for not wanting to have sex with their husbands, but I think it's usually for the same reason men don't want to have sex with their wives: they're no longer (or never were) sexually/physically attracted to them.

But aside from all of that, it's possible that some of those men were lying, that the reality is they're no longer attracted or content with their wives sexually, but that doesn't garner sympathy from a woman they're trying to get with.

While I agree that couples should talk about sex, I think her article is kind of Pollyanna-ish with regard to the possibility of the talking actually resolving the underlying issues.

[Anonymous]

There are women who aren't interested in having sex with their spouse but also don't want their spouse to have sex with other people. Just search DCUM and you'll find that.

A woman who doesn’t have sex with her spouse gets no vote in his obvious decision to have sex with other people. I think it was an accurate article about the reality that so called “sexless marriages” are not actually sexless, he’s just going elsewhere. If you aren’t having sex with your spouse, assume he or she is just like in the article.

[Anonymous]

Tons of married men who sleep with other women aren't doing it because their marriage is sexless. They are doing it because they are bored with monogamy and wait novelty, there's all there is to it. Some men also want to have the kind of sex with their APs that they explicitly DON"T want to have with their wives, and would be horrified to learn their wives may want. In their minds, wives are for one thing, and APs are for something else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know that the issue is that men don't want to be honest with their wives. I have told my husband several times that, due to years of issues that we have had, I am not as interested in having sex as he is, and that if he wants to have sex more often, he should go ahead and get a girlfriend. He doesn't want to do it and keeps insisting that things will get better between us. I know that they will not.

Some men will basically never cheat, even if they have what some people would regard as legitimate reasons for doing so. It's just a line that they don't feel comfortable crossing. Other men will cheat even if things are good.

I think it's mostly a wiring thing. Cheaters cheat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tons of married men who sleep with other women aren't doing it because their marriage is sexless. They are doing it because they are bored with monogamy and wait novelty, there's all there is to it. Some men also want to have the kind of sex with their APs that they explicitly DON"T want to have with their wives, and would be horrified to learn their wives may want. In their minds, wives are for one thing, and APs are for something else.

The author wrote that most of her partners were (claiming to be) in sexless marriage scenario. I certainly believe them. It’s just so true and common that wives lose interest in sex (with husband) resulting in men who sleep with other women. There are probably 10 active DCUM threads right now filled with low desire women. Also there is no good reason for those men to lie to her about it, she was already having sex with them so there is nothing to gain by lying.

[Anonymous]

Would bet money most of those men were regularly having sex with their wives too. This is the most common boohoo story cheaters use.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Would bet money most of those men were regularly having sex with their wives too. This is the most common boohoo story cheaters use.

Exactly. A close second is “My DW is a total bitch/shrew and I’m only staying with her because of the kids.”

[Anonymous]

I agree that the author puts too much stock in the power of talking about it to improve a couple's sex life that has become sexless. It's not like the importance of sex is some kind of obscure mystery and one partner is somehow unaware of that fact.

That said, I wonder whether such a conversation is going to have more of an impact where the guy is cheating or where the guy has been faithful. Seems like the woman is going to take it more seriously if the guy is already cheating. (Even though there's less damage to recover from with the guy who has been faithful.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Would bet money most of those men were regularly having sex with their wives too. This is the most common boohoo story cheaters use.

Exactly. A close second is “My DW is a total bitch/shrew and I’m only staying with her because of the kids.”

What is reguarly having sex? Is that just missionary?

I am with PP sentiments and why have started pursuing other married women.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Would bet money most of those men were regularly having sex with their wives too. This is the most common boohoo story cheaters use.

But many aren't. The ones who don't are like kids in a candy store when they do get it again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Would bet money most of those men were regularly having sex with their wives too. This is the most common boohoo story cheaters use.

Why would you place that bet? It is well known that wives lose interest in sex (with husband). The author was already having sex with these men, there was no reason to make up a boohoo story at that point. What makes you such an expert on the common boohoo stories that cheaters use?

[Anonymous]

One of my good friends “dated” a married guy for a few years who told her he was in a sexless marriage. Lo and behold, she found out he and his wife had two new babies in two years during that “sexless” period. When confronted, he changed his story and claimed it was because his wife didn’t understand him (and my friend did I guess?) Bet his wife would’ve had a different story to tell about their “sexless” marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One of my good friends “dated” a married guy for a few years who told her he was in a sexless marriage. Lo and behold, she found out he and his wife had two new babies in two years during that “sexless” period. When confronted, he changed his story and claimed it was because his wife didn’t understand him (and my friend did I guess?) Bet his wife would’ve had a different story to tell about their “sexless” marriage.

Ew!!!
Your friend isn’t very bright.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One of my good friends “dated” a married guy for a few years who told her he was in a sexless marriage. Lo and behold, she found out he and his wife had two new babies in two years during that “sexless” period. When confronted, he changed his story and claimed it was because his wife didn’t understand him (and my friend did I guess?) Bet his wife would’ve had a different story to tell about their “sexless” marriage.

She wasn't dating him BECAUSE of his sexless marriage, so why does it even matter? Marriages where sex occurs 10X per year are considered sexless so I am not sure what you think you are proving here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One of my good friends “dated” a married guy for a few years who told her he was in a sexless marriage. Lo and behold, she found out he and his wife had two new babies in two years during that “sexless” period. When confronted, he changed his story and claimed it was because his wife didn’t understand him (and my friend did I guess?) Bet his wife would’ve had a different story to tell about their “sexless” marriage.

She wasn't dating him BECAUSE of his sexless marriage, so why does it even matter? Marriages where sex occurs 10X per year are considered sexless so I am not sure what you think you are proving here.

I don't know if it's any of the PPs, but there is a poster around these parts who gets very fixated on the pure meaning of the word "sexless." If the couple has consummated their marriage at all, that apparently doesn't qualify as "sexless." So, in this person's mind, 9x per year doesn't qualify as "sexless," so the husband is just being a whiner or something.