Good family...or was it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, I hope not. Sounds like you’re just fine and not wallowing in it or using it as an excuse.

I grew up in a not-typical family and there were aspects of it that when I share appall some people. My brother and I have very much the same feelings towards it, eh, that was just how it was and it made us who we are today. I’ve known people (including my DH at times) who can’t leave it behind and want to moan and whine about it 1,000 years later. I guess in some eyes, that’s healthier.

I did once try therapy, to deal with something else, and the therapist wanted to keep coming back to my parents. I think like you, because I was matter of fact about it, she felt I’d never “dealt with it”. But I didn’t feel I’d given her any indication it was an issue, it was just mentioned when she asked about my parents and my childhood. The same as “and oh yeah, I have blue eyes.”

I haven’t been through the adoption process and don’t have anyone close to me, so I can’t gice any insight on that aspect. But I do hope it doesn’t count against you and you soon have the child meant for you. Best wishes!

OP here. I had a similar experience with therapy. About 10 years ago I was at a crossroads and I wanted to talk to someone unbiased to get their perspective. The therapist told me the first session is more about getting to know me. She asked me questions about my family and childhood. It was like she was curious / found it interesting (especially the cult parts). I saw her 3 times and we were still just talking about my childhood. I became very frustrated as I was paying out of pocket and I was paying her $150 an hour to tell her stories about my life that were unrelated to why I was there. I told her that part way through the 3rd session and then she told me to set goals and think what decision would get me to my goals. I never went back, it was such a waste of money and she had come well recommended. I ave no interest in trying to pick at my childhood in therapy. I can compartmentalize well, I recognize what wasn't healthy and am a functional adult.

The case workers perspective was that if you don't address it, it can be triggered by something in your own child / parenting and then you have to deal with it when it is more of a crisis. I didn't say much to the case worker and will watch what I say moving forward.

OP, the adoption process aside, this is an incredibly unhealthy mindset for anyone, especially someone who wants to be a parent.

What aspect do you see as an incredibly unhealthy mindset?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, I hope not. Sounds like you’re just fine and not wallowing in it or using it as an excuse.

I grew up in a not-typical family and there were aspects of it that when I share appall some people. My brother and I have very much the same feelings towards it, eh, that was just how it was and it made us who we are today. I’ve known people (including my DH at times) who can’t leave it behind and want to moan and whine about it 1,000 years later. I guess in some eyes, that’s healthier.

I did once try therapy, to deal with something else, and the therapist wanted to keep coming back to my parents. I think like you, because I was matter of fact about it, she felt I’d never “dealt with it”. But I didn’t feel I’d given her any indication it was an issue, it was just mentioned when she asked about my parents and my childhood. The same as “and oh yeah, I have blue eyes.”

I haven’t been through the adoption process and don’t have anyone close to me, so I can’t gice any insight on that aspect. But I do hope it doesn’t count against you and you soon have the child meant for you. Best wishes!

OP here. I had a similar experience with therapy. About 10 years ago I was at a crossroads and I wanted to talk to someone unbiased to get their perspective. The therapist told me the first session is more about getting to know me. She asked me questions about my family and childhood. It was like she was curious / found it interesting (especially the cult parts). I saw her 3 times and we were still just talking about my childhood. I became very frustrated as I was paying out of pocket and I was paying her $150 an hour to tell her stories about my life that were unrelated to why I was there. I told her that part way through the 3rd session and then she told me to set goals and think what decision would get me to my goals. I never went back, it was such a waste of money and she had come well recommended. I ave no interest in trying to pick at my childhood in therapy. I can compartmentalize well, I recognize what wasn't healthy and am a functional adult.

The case workers perspective was that if you don't address it, it can be triggered by something in your own child / parenting and then you have to deal with it when it is more of a crisis. I didn't say much to the case worker and will watch what I say moving forward.

OP, the adoption process aside, this is an incredibly unhealthy mindset for anyone, especially someone who wants to be a parent.

What aspect do you see as an incredibly unhealthy mindset?

The case worker was objectively correct, becoming a parent can trigger buried issues from one's own childhood, which can then be played out on the person's own child in unhealthy ways. People who acknowledge and accept this possibility are more likely to recognize it when it's happening/threatening to happen, and deal with it in a healthy manner (therapy or no). The person who believes they have everything under control, can compartmentalize it all perfectly and will be just fine never dealing with those things are more likely to play it out in bad ways because they're so determined not to see it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I generally talk about having a great family and a good childhood. Compared to many people, I feel I did. I have parents who loved me and siblings and who were well-intentioned. They didn't do everything right but I feel guilty / unfair talking about that as I feel they did their best and had a good heart behind it. Their own childhoods influenced how they parented and they grew up in a very repressed / cultish environment so I feel they made major steps in trying to better themselves compared to what they had.

Yet, some of the things in my childhood shock people when I tell them. They see aspects as abusive or traumatic. I talk about those things in a very detached / unemotional way and also get told that isn't normal. My childhood has impacted me and who I became, but I feel that is true for everyone. I have many good memories as well and still see my family regularly. I would say I was raised unconventionally and while I recognize areas where they could have done things differently, it was just how my family was - for better or worse.

I have never spoken to my parents about anything that happened during my childhood as they are kind of fragile in a way and I have always been the strong one who can deal with anything. I think because they feel they tried really hard to be good parents, they would be absolutely devastated to hear otherwise. They still have a great deal of their identity wrapped up in being parents / grandparents.

I recently had to share about my childhood as we are going through the adoption process and the home study case worker was concerned with how I talked about my childhood and also that I have never done therapy. Since I lived it and don't feel it was that bad and had lots of good, I don't really know what purpose therapy would serve. Also since I am functional, why open up a can of worms - is it really doing to make my life better?

I am worried thought that is a strike against us in the adoption process.

Lord, this looks like this could have been written by my DH!!

I have no advice as he also is uninterested with therapy. Something to keep in mind is that children are resilient and the fact that you are a functioning adult does NOT mean that the bad stuff you experienced was not a big deal. What type of things have your siblings done regarding the childhood issues?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, I hope not. Sounds like you’re just fine and not wallowing in it or using it as an excuse.

I grew up in a not-typical family and there were aspects of it that when I share appall some people. My brother and I have very much the same feelings towards it, eh, that was just how it was and it made us who we are today. I’ve known people (including my DH at times) who can’t leave it behind and want to moan and whine about it 1,000 years later. I guess in some eyes, that’s healthier.

I did once try therapy, to deal with something else, and the therapist wanted to keep coming back to my parents. I think like you, because I was matter of fact about it, she felt I’d never “dealt with it”. But I didn’t feel I’d given her any indication it was an issue, it was just mentioned when she asked about my parents and my childhood. The same as “and oh yeah, I have blue eyes.”

I haven’t been through the adoption process and don’t have anyone close to me, so I can’t gice any insight on that aspect. But I do hope it doesn’t count against you and you soon have the child meant for you. Best wishes!

OP here. I had a similar experience with therapy. About 10 years ago I was at a crossroads and I wanted to talk to someone unbiased to get their perspective. The therapist told me the first session is more about getting to know me. She asked me questions about my family and childhood. It was like she was curious / found it interesting (especially the cult parts). I saw her 3 times and we were still just talking about my childhood. I became very frustrated as I was paying out of pocket and I was paying her $150 an hour to tell her stories about my life that were unrelated to why I was there. I told her that part way through the 3rd session and then she told me to set goals and think what decision would get me to my goals. I never went back, it was such a waste of money and she had come well recommended. I ave no interest in trying to pick at my childhood in therapy. I can compartmentalize well, I recognize what wasn't healthy and am a functional adult.

The case workers perspective was that if you don't address it, it can be triggered by something in your own child / parenting and then you have to deal with it when it is more of a crisis. I didn't say much to the case worker and will watch what I say moving forward.

The case worker is right. I'm assuming since you are going through this process you don't already have children, correct? You don't know how it will affect you or how you may become triggered.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, I hope not. Sounds like you’re just fine and not wallowing in it or using it as an excuse.

I grew up in a not-typical family and there were aspects of it that when I share appall some people. My brother and I have very much the same feelings towards it, eh, that was just how it was and it made us who we are today. I’ve known people (including my DH at times) who can’t leave it behind and want to moan and whine about it 1,000 years later. I guess in some eyes, that’s healthier.

I did once try therapy, to deal with something else, and the therapist wanted to keep coming back to my parents. I think like you, because I was matter of fact about it, she felt I’d never “dealt with it”. But I didn’t feel I’d given her any indication it was an issue, it was just mentioned when she asked about my parents and my childhood. The same as “and oh yeah, I have blue eyes.”

I haven’t been through the adoption process and don’t have anyone close to me, so I can’t gice any insight on that aspect. But I do hope it doesn’t count against you and you soon have the child meant for you. Best wishes!

OP here. I had a similar experience with therapy. About 10 years ago I was at a crossroads and I wanted to talk to someone unbiased to get their perspective. The therapist told me the first session is more about getting to know me. She asked me questions about my family and childhood. It was like she was curious / found it interesting (especially the cult parts). I saw her 3 times and we were still just talking about my childhood. I became very frustrated as I was paying out of pocket and I was paying her $150 an hour to tell her stories about my life that were unrelated to why I was there. I told her that part way through the 3rd session and then she told me to set goals and think what decision would get me to my goals. I never went back, it was such a waste of money and she had come well recommended. I ave no interest in trying to pick at my childhood in therapy. I can compartmentalize well, I recognize what wasn't healthy and am a functional adult.

The case workers perspective was that if you don't address it, it can be triggered by something in your own child / parenting and then you have to deal with it when it is more of a crisis. I didn't say much to the case worker and will watch what I say moving forward.

The case worker is right. I'm assuming since you are going through this process you don't already have children, correct? You don't know how it will affect you or how you may become triggered.

I'm the poster who said I also had a non-typical upraising with some things people find appalling, and even though I haven't picked at my childhood in therapy, like OP said above, we both recognize what wasn't healthy. My oldest DC is 15 and I have yet to be "triggered" by something from my own childhood, if anything I've learned from my parents' example what *not* to do. My kids are happy, well-adjusted, doing well in school and activities.

Many of us with childhoods like ours are strong and resilient and we don't have PTSD. I hope OP's caseworker can recognize that. I understand a caseworker has to carefully vet potential parents, but I hope amateur psychology is kept to a minimum.

[Anonymous]

I had a childhood that had some great parts, but also had some very traumatic events. I have PTSD, BPD, Major Depressive Disorder, and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. I cannot speak with a therapist. Been there, tried that. My problems have? not affected my ability to parent, however, because I know what NOT to do if you want your children to turn out to be emotionally healthy, well-rounded adults. Yes, I even understand about the cult issue in your post, OP. My family was part of a cultish church that I left as soon as I could. I deal with my problems with my husband's help, with music and motorcycle therapy, with some medication (for the things that are treatable), and I am ok. I don't believe that you have to delve down into your past to live a happy life. Sometimes it's better to let the ghosts stay hidden in your past.

[Anonymous]

IMHO the concern would be not being able to differentiate between the bad parts of your childhood and what is normal/acceptable.

For example, when I misbehaved as a child my parents fed me stale bread and water. According to DW this is an unacceptable punishment for a child. As another example, my dad used to punch me when he got angry and my mom used to smack me when she got angry. I know now that both of these things are wrong to do and I wouldn't do them to my children but some of these weird things can become normalized when you go through them.

[Anonymous]

I think we all can see things wrong with our childhoods and others. I'm shocked DH's family never read to him or traveled. DH goes on about how my parents gave us absolutely anything I ever wanted in life when I was growing up (yet I turned out hard working and frugal).

Maybe the social worker just wanted you to point out what you'd do differently?

[Anonymous]

The case workers perspective was that if you don't address it, it can be triggered by something in your own child / parenting and then you have to deal with it when it is more of a crisis. I didn't say much to the case worker and will watch what I say moving forward.


OP, the adoption process aside, this is an incredibly unhealthy mindset for anyone, especially someone who wants to be a parent.


What aspect do you see as an incredibly unhealthy mindset?


The case worker was objectively correct, becoming a parent can trigger buried issues from one's own childhood, which can then be played out on the person's own child in unhealthy ways. People who acknowledge and accept this possibility are more likely to recognize it when it's happening/threatening to happen, and deal with it in a healthy manner (therapy or no). The person who believes they have everything under control, can compartmentalize it all perfectly and will be just fine never dealing with those things are more likely to play it out in bad ways because they're so determined not to see it.

That's what happened to me. I had a very traumatic, dysfunctional, abusive childhood. Yet, when I finally got away, I developed a great life, found a good DH and a very healthy life. People were (are) stunned when the learn how I grew up. I thought I had moved on. Yet, when my two youngest children were about 3 and 4, I was blindsided by what it triggered. Seeing the relationship between my two youngest reminded me of the relationship (positive) I had with my younger brother. It ripped the scar tissue off my emotional wounds and I was rocked by the thought of someone doing to my two kids what was done to me and my siblings.

My father had been dead for over 20 years when these feelings came roaring out. I had to go to therapy and start on an SSRI because I was in such a bad me - me, who had not only survived my childhood but thrived. I had no idea my kids could be the trigger of this. I was told my my counselor that my experience is not uncommon. That case worker is correct.

[Anonymous]

Everyone is different, and therapy doesn't mean focusing endlessly on your childhood, no matter what happened. And I don't think it's common for therapists to focus on it -- most therapists will back off any subject you don't want to talk about. I myself had a traumatic childhood, and I've never had a therapist push talking about it (even though I honestly need to talk about it more!)

I'm not sure what went on in OP's childhood. It's hard to tell. But, while it's true that some people are particularly resilient, if something REALLY traumatic or bad happened, I agree that you need to take some time to think about it when it becomes time for you to be a parent ... particularly by adoption. You need to understand how you are going to parent differently, and have a plan for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, I hope not. Sounds like you’re just fine and not wallowing in it or using it as an excuse.

I grew up in a not-typical family and there were aspects of it that when I share appall some people. My brother and I have very much the same feelings towards it, eh, that was just how it was and it made us who we are today. I’ve known people (including my DH at times) who can’t leave it behind and want to moan and whine about it 1,000 years later. I guess in some eyes, that’s healthier.

I did once try therapy, to deal with something else, and the therapist wanted to keep coming back to my parents. I think like you, because I was matter of fact about it, she felt I’d never “dealt with it”. But I didn’t feel I’d given her any indication it was an issue, it was just mentioned when she asked about my parents and my childhood. The same as “and oh yeah, I have blue eyes.”

I haven’t been through the adoption process and don’t have anyone close to me, so I can’t gice any insight on that aspect. But I do hope it doesn’t count against you and you soon have the child meant for you. Best wishes!

OP here. I had a similar experience with therapy. About 10 years ago I was at a crossroads and I wanted to talk to someone unbiased to get their perspective. The therapist told me the first session is more about getting to know me. She asked me questions about my family and childhood. It was like she was curious / found it interesting (especially the cult parts). I saw her 3 times and we were still just talking about my childhood. I became very frustrated as I was paying out of pocket and I was paying her $150 an hour to tell her stories about my life that were unrelated to why I was there. I told her that part way through the 3rd session and then she told me to set goals and think what decision would get me to my goals. I never went back, it was such a waste of money and she had come well recommended. I ave no interest in trying to pick at my childhood in therapy. I can compartmentalize well, I recognize what wasn't healthy and am a functional adult.

The case workers perspective was that if you don't address it, it can be triggered by something in your own child / parenting and then you have to deal with it when it is more of a crisis. I didn't say much to the case worker and will watch what I say moving forward.

The case worker is right. I'm assuming since you are going through this process you don't already have children, correct? You don't know how it will affect you or how you may become triggered.

I'm the poster who said I also had a non-typical upraising with some things people find appalling, and even though I haven't picked at my childhood in therapy, like OP said above, we both recognize what wasn't healthy. My oldest DC is 15 and I have yet to be "triggered" by something from my own childhood, if anything I've learned from my parents' example what *not* to do. My kids are happy, well-adjusted, doing well in school and activities.

Many of us with childhoods like ours are strong and resilient and we don't have PTSD. I hope OP's caseworker can recognize that. I understand a caseworker has to carefully vet potential parents, but I hope amateur psychology is kept to a minimum.

Except you recognize your childhood had issues. OP says hers was great and only acknowledges that some parts of it might be off when called on it. That's the difference between the two of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:IMHO the concern would be not being able to differentiate between the bad parts of your childhood and what is normal/acceptable.

For example, when I misbehaved as a child my parents fed me stale bread and water. According to DW this is an unacceptable punishment for a child. As another example, my dad used to punch me when he got angry and my mom used to smack me when she got angry. I know now that both of these things are wrong to do and I wouldn't do them to my children but some of these weird things can become normalized when you go through them.

This. Dh comes from an abusive family -fil was a physically abusive alcoholic/mil was an emotionally abusive enabler. He went to therapy in his early 20s and by the time we had kids in our mid 30s, he thought that he had put everything behind him. But the daily experience of raising children brought up unresolved issues that he never really had to confront before having kids. Having children made him realized the extent of his parents' unfitness (resulted in renewed anger against his parents). It also made him realize the extent that he internalized /normalized dysfunctional behaviors, especially towards children. For example, reacting to toddler tantrums with losing his temper/control, anger, and screaming. Intellectually he knew that this was wrong but he instinctively reacted that way because it was how he was raised/what he saw growing up. He was usually apologetic afterwards (like his father). It was a scary time in our marriage. He went back to therapy when our oldest was 3. If he didn't, I doubt that we would be together today.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:IMHO the concern would be not being able to differentiate between the bad parts of your childhood and what is normal/acceptable.

For example, when I misbehaved as a child my parents fed me stale bread and water. According to DW this is an unacceptable punishment for a child. As another example, my dad used to punch me when he got angry and my mom used to smack me when she got angry. I know now that both of these things are wrong to do and I wouldn't do them to my children but some of these weird things can become normalized when you go through them.

This. Dh comes from an abusive family -fil was a physically abusive alcoholic/mil was an emotionally abusive enabler. He went to therapy in his early 20s and by the time we had kids in our mid 30s, he thought that he had put everything behind him. But the daily experience of raising children brought up unresolved issues that he never really had to confront before having kids. Having children made him realized the extent of his parents' unfitness (resulted in renewed anger against his parents). It also made him realize the extent that he internalized /normalized dysfunctional behaviors, especially towards children. For example, reacting to toddler tantrums with losing his temper/control, anger, and screaming. Intellectually he knew that this was wrong but he instinctively reacted that way because it was how he was raised/what he saw growing up. He was usually apologetic afterwards (like his father). It was a scary time in our marriage. He went back to therapy when our oldest was 3. If he didn't, I doubt that we would be together today.

+1

Therapy is key. DH refuses to own his family's s**t, which makes things really difficult. Yet, when I (or anyone) am/is around his family, the inappropriateness is glaringly obvious.

[Anonymous]

Any event must be judged in the context of when it happened. Actions of my parents in the mid-1960's when I was young would likely result in my parent's incarceration today.

[Anonymous]

OP, maybe her concern is that you responded that your childhood was great when it was objectively not a good one.

This would lead anyone to reasonably conclude that you have unresolved issues.