Good family...or was it?

[Anonymous]

I had a special mentor growing up who was really kind to me when I was dealing with family issues. She was always very kind and supportive.

She would speak occasionally about her childhood, but she never complained. It was a little odd - she mentioned grandparents a lot and moving around a lot and her dad coming to visit her once in a while. I was a young girl so i didnt ask too many questions.

Eventually she adopted two toddlers. She was so excited.

I watched in shock and horror over the next 15 years as she behaved like a horror show mom! First, she began very early doing that thing you read about where a parent makes one child the angel and one child the devil/scapegoat. She would constsntly berate and chide one and defend the other, like a sick puppet master enacting a play. Over the years the roles switched a couple of times, with the old angel becoming the devil and vice versa.

I later learned that her mother had abandoned her as a bahy but would reenter her life now and then. Her wealtht grandparents sent her to boarding school very young and her life was unstable.

I always felt that taking on the role of mother triggered her very badly, and if was frustrating and horrifying to watch.

I’m not saying this will happen to you OP. I am just sharing a story that kind of corraborates the social worker’s point. Somethig to think about.

[Anonymous]

I grew up in a family that I thought was "good" and happy...until I had my own kids. It didn't hit until elementary school age when I realized how little my parents did compared to how we take care of our kids -- and I'm not talking about changing standards of parenting, but real neglect. I eventually did talk to my mother about my feelings about certain childhood experiences, but all she said was 'I guess we all have different perspectives'. That really brought home to me some of her self-absorption issues and limitations, and made me see, eventually, that she probably was doing the best that she could manage. This complete lack of recognition that what I was identifying was real oddly made me feel better. OP, even if you think it will hurt your parents, it may be beneficial for you in the long run to express some of your feelings to them about how you grew up. Whitewashing your "great family' to everyone, including yourself, may work for now but perhaps not in the future. Good luck. Definitely makes me feel better to see so many people posting who are working through similar issues to me (and you). Hope your adoption quest is successful!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I generally talk about having a great family and a good childhood. Compared to many people, I feel I did. I have parents who loved me and siblings and who were well-intentioned. They didn't do everything right but I feel guilty / unfair talking about that as I feel they did their best and had a good heart behind it. Their own childhoods influenced how they parented and they grew up in a very repressed / cultish environment so I feel they made major steps in trying to better themselves compared to what they had.

Yet, some of the things in my childhood shock people when I tell them. They see aspects as abusive or traumatic. I talk about those things in a very detached / unemotional way and also get told that isn't normal. My childhood has impacted me and who I became, but I feel that is true for everyone. I have many good memories as well and still see my family regularly. I would say I was raised unconventionally and while I recognize areas where they could have done things differently, it was just how my family was - for better or worse.

I have never spoken to my parents about anything that happened during my childhood as they are kind of fragile in a way and I have always been the strong one who can deal with anything. I think because they feel they tried really hard to be good parents, they would be absolutely devastated to hear otherwise. They still have a great deal of their identity wrapped up in being parents / grandparents.

I recently had to share about my childhood as we are going through the adoption process and the home study case worker was concerned with how I talked about my childhood and also that I have never done therapy. Since I lived it and don't feel it was that bad and had lots of good, I don't really know what purpose therapy would serve. Also since I am functional, why open up a can of worms - is it really doing to make my life better?

I am worried thought that is a strike against us in the adoption process.

So your parents are too fragile and their feelings should be carefully spared, but your feelings don't matter and should be continuously bottled up and disregarded, because you're "strong"? And you don't see any issues with that and think you are perfectly fit to parent and don't need therapy?
On what planet does this make sense?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I generally talk about having a great family and a good childhood. Compared to many people, I feel I did. I have parents who loved me and siblings and who were well-intentioned. They didn't do everything right but I feel guilty / unfair talking about that as I feel they did their best and had a good heart behind it. Their own childhoods influenced how they parented and they grew up in a very repressed / cultish environment so I feel they made major steps in trying to better themselves compared to what they had.

Yet, some of the things in my childhood shock people when I tell them. They see aspects as abusive or traumatic. I talk about those things in a very detached / unemotional way and also get told that isn't normal. My childhood has impacted me and who I became, but I feel that is true for everyone. I have many good memories as well and still see my family regularly. I would say I was raised unconventionally and while I recognize areas where they could have done things differently, it was just how my family was - for better or worse.

I have never spoken to my parents about anything that happened during my childhood as they are kind of fragile in a way and I have always been the strong one who can deal with anything. I think because they feel they tried really hard to be good parents, they would be absolutely devastated to hear otherwise. They still have a great deal of their identity wrapped up in being parents / grandparents.

I recently had to share about my childhood as we are going through the adoption process and the home study case worker was concerned with how I talked about my childhood and also that I have never done therapy. Since I lived it and don't feel it was that bad and had lots of good, I don't really know what purpose therapy would serve. Also since I am functional, why open up a can of worms - is it really doing to make my life better?

I am worried thought that is a strike against us in the adoption process.

So your parents are too fragile and their feelings should be carefully spared, but your feelings don't matter and should be continuously bottled up and disregarded, because you're "strong"? And you don't see any issues with that and think you are perfectly fit to parent and don't need therapy?
On what planet does this make sense?

NP. I just want expand on this. Growing up, OP had to be strong and deal with anything, whereas her parents were fragile and she had to walk on eggshells around them. This similar to other dysfunctional family dynamics where the child has to act like the adult, e.g. an alcoholic parent.
I'm sure OP will be a better mother to her children then her own mother was. But very likely her children will not be as strong or as stoic as OP. This may lead to resentment or even anger when they are acting spoiled, like when your 3 year old throws a tantrum because the spaghetti was not made the right way even though that's how you made it last time. Or when your tween yells at you that 'you're so mean'. They don't understand how lucky they are and what a charmed childhood they have compared to your own and maybe they should get a taste of the medicine you got as a child.

[Anonymous]

Wow. 21:47, you really nailed it. This is me exactly and I never realized it although I’ve been a parent for 7 years. I went through so much as a kid with an abusive and alcoholic father and I’m definitely a better parent than mine were. But it affects me deeply when my kids act ungrateful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I generally talk about having a great family and a good childhood. Compared to many people, I feel I did. I have parents who loved me and siblings and who were well-intentioned. They didn't do everything right but I feel guilty / unfair talking about that as I feel they did their best and had a good heart behind it. Their own childhoods influenced how they parented and they grew up in a very repressed / cultish environment so I feel they made major steps in trying to better themselves compared to what they had.

Yet, some of the things in my childhood shock people when I tell them. They see aspects as abusive or traumatic. I talk about those things in a very detached / unemotional way and also get told that isn't normal. My childhood has impacted me and who I became, but I feel that is true for everyone. I have many good memories as well and still see my family regularly. I would say I was raised unconventionally and while I recognize areas where they could have done things differently, it was just how my family was - for better or worse.

I have never spoken to my parents about anything that happened during my childhood as they are kind of fragile in a way and I have always been the strong one who can deal with anything. I think because they feel they tried really hard to be good parents, they would be absolutely devastated to hear otherwise. They still have a great deal of their identity wrapped up in being parents / grandparents.

I recently had to share about my childhood as we are going through the adoption process and the home study case worker was concerned with how I talked about my childhood and also that I have never done therapy. Since I lived it and don't feel it was that bad and had lots of good, I don't really know what purpose therapy would serve. Also since I am functional, why open up a can of worms - is it really doing to make my life better?

I am worried thought that is a strike against us in the adoption process.

So your parents are too fragile and their feelings should be carefully spared, but your feelings don't matter and should be continuously bottled up and disregarded, because you're "strong"? And you don't see any issues with that and think you are perfectly fit to parent and don't need therapy?
On what planet does this make sense?

NP. I just want expand on this. Growing up, OP had to be strong and deal with anything, whereas her parents were fragile and she had to walk on eggshells around them. This similar to other dysfunctional family dynamics where the child has to act like the adult, e.g. an alcoholic parent.
I'm sure OP will be a better mother to her children then her own mother was. But very likely her children will not be as strong or as stoic as OP. This may lead to resentment or even anger when they are acting spoiled, like when your 3 year old throws a tantrum because the spaghetti was not made the right way even though that's how you made it last time. Or when your tween yells at you that 'you're so mean'. They don't understand how lucky they are and what a charmed childhood they have compared to your own and maybe they should get a taste of the medicine you got as a child.

+1 You really nailed it. I recently cut contact with my mother due to a 34 years of abuse, the very root of which was toxic resentment that she never dealt with from her own childhood yet directed ferociously at me. She could not STAND anything good in my life, her unacknowledged resentment and anger from her own childhood as the daughter of a terrible alcoholic was so strong. I was meant to be invisible and grateful growing up, those were my 2 options.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had a special mentor growing up who was really kind to me when I was dealing with family issues. She was always very kind and supportive.

She would speak occasionally about her childhood, but she never complained. It was a little odd - she mentioned grandparents a lot and moving around a lot and her dad coming to visit her once in a while. I was a young girl so i didnt ask too many questions.

Eventually she adopted two toddlers. She was so excited.

I watched in shock and horror over the next 15 years as she behaved like a horror show mom! First, she began very early doing that thing you read about where a parent makes one child the angel and one child the devil/scapegoat. She would constsntly berate and chide one and defend the other, like a sick puppet master enacting a play. Over the years the roles switched a couple of times, with the old angel becoming the devil and vice versa.

I later learned that her mother had abandoned her as a bahy but would reenter her life now and then. Her wealtht grandparents sent her to boarding school very young and her life was unstable.

I always felt that taking on the role of mother triggered her very badly, and if was frustrating and horrifying to watch.

I’m not saying this will happen to you OP. I am just sharing a story that kind of corraborates the social worker’s point. Somethig to think about.

This sounds like a V.C Andrews novel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had a childhood that had some great parts, but also had some very traumatic events. I have PTSD, BPD, Major Depressive Disorder, and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. I cannot speak with a therapist. Been there, tried that. My problems have? not affected my ability to parent, however, because I know what NOT to do if you want your children to turn out to be emotionally healthy, well-rounded adults. Yes, I even understand about the cult issue in your post, OP. My family was part of a cultish church that I left as soon as I could. I deal with my problems with my husband's help, with music and motorcycle therapy, with some medication (for the things that are treatable), and I am ok. I don't believe that you have to delve down into your past to live a happy life. Sometimes it's better to let the ghosts stay hidden in your past.

If you really have BPD, it would affect every relationship in your life, and that would.obviously include your relationship with your children.

[Anonymous]

OP, in short, if you "compartmentalize" and can't let yourself reflect on your childhood, it's also very hard to bring yourself to to think, rather than just react, to the intense emotional triggers that are part and parcel of being a parent.

For your sake and your potential children's sake, don't bring a child into your life until you've delved into this. The therapist you saw was pretty much on target, though perhaps not a good fit. Keep trying!

[Anonymous]

NP. I just want expand on this. Growing up, OP had to be strong and deal with anything, whereas her parents were fragile and she had to walk on eggshells around them. This similar to other dysfunctional family dynamics where the child has to act like the adult, e.g. an alcoholic parent.
I'm sure OP will be a better mother to her children then her own mother was. But very likely her children will not be as strong or as stoic as OP. This may lead to resentment or even anger when they are acting spoiled, like when your 3 year old throws a tantrum because the spaghetti was not made the right way even though that's how you made it last time. Or when your tween yells at you that 'you're so mean'. They don't understand how lucky they are and what a charmed childhood they have compared to your own and maybe they should get a taste of the medicine you got as a child.

Wait a minute. OP's own mother probably had it pretty bad growing up. But that doesn't justify her behavior toward OP. So why should OP perpetuate that?