Good family...or was it?

[Anonymous]

I generally talk about having a great family and a good childhood. Compared to many people, I feel I did. I have parents who loved me and siblings and who were well-intentioned. They didn't do everything right but I feel guilty / unfair talking about that as I feel they did their best and had a good heart behind it. Their own childhoods influenced how they parented and they grew up in a very repressed / cultish environment so I feel they made major steps in trying to better themselves compared to what they had.

Yet, some of the things in my childhood shock people when I tell them. They see aspects as abusive or traumatic. I talk about those things in a very detached / unemotional way and also get told that isn't normal. My childhood has impacted me and who I became, but I feel that is true for everyone. I have many good memories as well and still see my family regularly. I would say I was raised unconventionally and while I recognize areas where they could have done things differently, it was just how my family was - for better or worse.

I have never spoken to my parents about anything that happened during my childhood as they are kind of fragile in a way and I have always been the strong one who can deal with anything. I think because they feel they tried really hard to be good parents, they would be absolutely devastated to hear otherwise. They still have a great deal of their identity wrapped up in being parents / grandparents.

I recently had to share about my childhood as we are going through the adoption process and the home study case worker was concerned with how I talked about my childhood and also that I have never done therapy. Since I lived it and don't feel it was that bad and had lots of good, I don't really know what purpose therapy would serve. Also since I am functional, why open up a can of worms - is it really doing to make my life better?

I am worried thought that is a strike against us in the adoption process.

[Anonymous]

Its not a strike against you. Honestly, we didn't bring up the bad parts of our childhood in the home study process. Its not like they will know and if it isn't going impact your parenting as you will make different choices that is what is important. We all have good/bad parts of our childhood. Its just part of life. Life was also different then and things like corporal punishment were the norm whereas now people are rethinking it and making different choices. I doubt it will hurt but it makes the process far more complicated. The important thing is they did the best they could. Honestly, talking to your parents about it will not be helpful as they will either have guilt or deny it and either way, its not going to change what happened. Looking back there were lots of things my parents could have done but would have never considered it. So, why worry about it now. Just learn from it and do the best you can with your kids.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like your parents left a cult at some point. Maybe the case worker just wants to be sure you won't force an arranged marriage or some random thing that was done to you that is abusive.

[Anonymous]

Everyone has a bad story to tell about childhood. Even if there are unacknowledged issues among your family members, doesn't mean you are unhealthy or don't have healthy coping mechanisms.

Truly I would be more concerned about someone who is complete sunshine and roses. If this should slow up the adoption process, there must be ways to appeal. I don't know enough about adoption but may the parenting special concerns forum could.

[Anonymous]

If I were you I’d consult a therapist for a time or two just to put the case worker at ease. If there’s nothing problematic there, great. If there is, you can work on it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like your parents left a cult at some point. Maybe the case worker just wants to be sure you won't force an arranged marriage or some random thing that was done to you that is abusive.

What? Or Op's parents were functioning alcoholics, or hoarders, or have untreated mental illness...

Just because you speak dispassionately about something doesn't mean you're in denial.

[Anonymous]

Wow, I hope not. Sounds like you’re just fine and not wallowing in it or using it as an excuse.

I grew up in a not-typical family and there were aspects of it that when I share appall some people. My brother and I have very much the same feelings towards it, eh, that was just how it was and it made us who we are today. I’ve known people (including my DH at times) who can’t leave it behind and want to moan and whine about it 1,000 years later. I guess in some eyes, that’s healthier.

I did once try therapy, to deal with something else, and the therapist wanted to keep coming back to my parents. I think like you, because I was matter of fact about it, she felt I’d never “dealt with it”. But I didn’t feel I’d given her any indication it was an issue, it was just mentioned when she asked about my parents and my childhood. The same as “and oh yeah, I have blue eyes.”

I haven’t been through the adoption process and don’t have anyone close to me, so I can’t gice any insight on that aspect. But I do hope it doesn’t count against you and you soon have the child meant for you. Best wishes!

[Anonymous]

You have to have done something very serious to get turned down for a home study, especially if you are full-pay private newborn adoption. Very few people are turned down as long as there are no criminal, current drug/alcohol issues or major mental health.

[Anonymous]

That should be “don’t have anyone close to me who has been thru adopting.

[Anonymous]

I think it's really hard for any of to say how it will be regarded without knowing specifics. Without that information, all I can offer is that when someone feels the need to detach themselves to that extent from a significant part of their history, that's a red flag because if you don't deal with it directly, it tends to come out in other ways. If you were mistreated as a child and seem to make excuses for that, they might also be concerned that you don't fully appreciate that it was mistreatment and may be concerned that you will do the same to your own child.

I agree with pp's suggestion of consulting with a therapist to reassure the case worker and confirm that there's nothing to worry about there.

[Anonymous]

I think the bigger issue is referring to your family as "great" if it clearly wasn't, and that's what sets off alarm bells. Everyone has a mix of good and bad things in their childhood, but if your parents were hoarders (just using an example) and you say your childhood was "great" that does sound off and like you are in denial. If you say you had a pretty happy childhood despite the hoarding issues and you coped, worked around it, etc., that's a more realistic view.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, I hope not. Sounds like you’re just fine and not wallowing in it or using it as an excuse.

I grew up in a not-typical family and there were aspects of it that when I share appall some people. My brother and I have very much the same feelings towards it, eh, that was just how it was and it made us who we are today. I’ve known people (including my DH at times) who can’t leave it behind and want to moan and whine about it 1,000 years later. I guess in some eyes, that’s healthier.

I did once try therapy, to deal with something else, and the therapist wanted to keep coming back to my parents. I think like you, because I was matter of fact about it, she felt I’d never “dealt with it”. But I didn’t feel I’d given her any indication it was an issue, it was just mentioned when she asked about my parents and my childhood. The same as “and oh yeah, I have blue eyes.”

I haven’t been through the adoption process and don’t have anyone close to me, so I can’t gice any insight on that aspect. But I do hope it doesn’t count against you and you soon have the child meant for you. Best wishes!

OP here. I had a similar experience with therapy. About 10 years ago I was at a crossroads and I wanted to talk to someone unbiased to get their perspective. The therapist told me the first session is more about getting to know me. She asked me questions about my family and childhood. It was like she was curious / found it interesting (especially the cult parts). I saw her 3 times and we were still just talking about my childhood. I became very frustrated as I was paying out of pocket and I was paying her $150 an hour to tell her stories about my life that were unrelated to why I was there. I told her that part way through the 3rd session and then she told me to set goals and think what decision would get me to my goals. I never went back, it was such a waste of money and she had come well recommended. I ave no interest in trying to pick at my childhood in therapy. I can compartmentalize well, I recognize what wasn't healthy and am a functional adult.

The case workers perspective was that if you don't address it, it can be triggered by something in your own child / parenting and then you have to deal with it when it is more of a crisis. I didn't say much to the case worker and will watch what I say moving forward.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, I hope not. Sounds like you’re just fine and not wallowing in it or using it as an excuse.

I grew up in a not-typical family and there were aspects of it that when I share appall some people. My brother and I have very much the same feelings towards it, eh, that was just how it was and it made us who we are today. I’ve known people (including my DH at times) who can’t leave it behind and want to moan and whine about it 1,000 years later. I guess in some eyes, that’s healthier.

I did once try therapy, to deal with something else, and the therapist wanted to keep coming back to my parents. I think like you, because I was matter of fact about it, she felt I’d never “dealt with it”. But I didn’t feel I’d given her any indication it was an issue, it was just mentioned when she asked about my parents and my childhood. The same as “and oh yeah, I have blue eyes.”

I haven’t been through the adoption process and don’t have anyone close to me, so I can’t gice any insight on that aspect. But I do hope it doesn’t count against you and you soon have the child meant for you. Best wishes!

OP here. I had a similar experience with therapy. About 10 years ago I was at a crossroads and I wanted to talk to someone unbiased to get their perspective. The therapist told me the first session is more about getting to know me. She asked me questions about my family and childhood. It was like she was curious / found it interesting (especially the cult parts). I saw her 3 times and we were still just talking about my childhood. I became very frustrated as I was paying out of pocket and I was paying her $150 an hour to tell her stories about my life that were unrelated to why I was there. I told her that part way through the 3rd session and then she told me to set goals and think what decision would get me to my goals. I never went back, it was such a waste of money and she had come well recommended. I ave no interest in trying to pick at my childhood in therapy. I can compartmentalize well, I recognize what wasn't healthy and am a functional adult.

The case workers perspective was that if you don't address it, it can be triggered by something in your own child / parenting and then you have to deal with it when it is more of a crisis. I didn't say much to the case worker and will watch what I say moving forward.

OP, the adoption process aside, this is an incredibly unhealthy mindset for anyone, especially someone who wants to be a parent.

[Anonymous]

My husband had a crappy childhood, to put it nicely. He's also been through other things and it wasn't an issue with us adopting or our home study. Since a home study is purely subjective, its easy to get caught up and worry but if its something like a cult/childhood and you are not a part of it, its not a big deal. Current substance abuse, mental health issues are a big deal. Finances to pay for the adoption and provide for a child are a big deal. Having a safe and comfortable home a big deal but what you are describing is not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like your parents left a cult at some point. Maybe the case worker just wants to be sure you won't force an arranged marriage or some random thing that was done to you that is abusive.

What? Or Op's parents were functioning alcoholics, or hoarders, or have untreated mental illness...

Just because you speak dispassionately about something doesn't mean you're in denial.

OP SAYS they grew up in a repressed/cultish environment.