How to handle this awkward situation?

[Anonymous]

When my daughter was younger I asked another family if their nanny could watch my child on certain days, and I immediately said that I would pay for her time. They got back to me quickly with the nanny's hourly rate, and I paid the nanny every time I picked up my daughter.

OP, this mom needs to pay the nanny for the job she has taken on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just to be a devil's advocate, there is a chance that nanny is fine with the arrangement because it might be easier to have two girls who get along together than having to entertain your DD herself.

So I'd maybe have another more direct conversation with nanny first, and float the idea of asking the other mom to pay her?

She needs to be compensated for the responsibility for taking care of another child, no matter how much easier it is for her. At the risk of sounding dramatic, she responsible for this girl's life while she is with nanny. (I'm know there's a less dramatic way to phrase this)

There is no risk of you sounding dramatic - you do sound dramatic and ridiculous.

The Nanny is in charge of the safety and well-being of another child while she is with her. Do you think that's dramatic and ridiculous ?

[Anonymous]

If you sent the note that others are proposing, I'd never be friends with you because you are making their play together about money. That's fine if you don't care, but I also think it could make things awkward between your families and consequently hurt their friendship.

Tell your nanny to say no if she doesn't want to do this. Or how about you ask the other mom if you can come up with a car pool schedule where she and the nanny alternate weeks of driving to gymnastics?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you sent the note that others are proposing, I'd never be friends with you because you are making their play together about money. That's fine if you don't care, but I also think it could make things awkward between your families and consequently hurt their friendship.

Tell your nanny to say no if she doesn't want to do this. Or how about you ask the other mom if you can come up with a car pool schedule where she and the nanny alternate weeks of driving to gymnastics?

I hope you're not saying you think it's fine for the other mother to take advantage like this?! It's one thing for your kiddo to play with mine when I'm in charge, but why should my employee be responsible for your kid? (I'm not the OP btw.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She is getting free childcare at the expense of your nanny. You, as the nanny's employer, need to say something to the other mother.

+1

We have had a similar situation where a SAHM who I don't know, whose kids don't happen to be friendly with my kids, has directly asked my nanny to help her by picking the kids up at the bus stop. My nanny shut it down herself and I was supportive. It is slightly different for you because the girls are friends, but the principle is the same: your nanny is paid to care for your daughter. If she's caring for another child on more than a one-off basis, she needs to be compensated for that too.

The nanny/family relationship is a very personal employment relationship. I am very careful not to take advantage of our nanny, who is also very nice, accommodating, and helpful. We don't even ask her to babysit on weekends, because we don't want her to feel like she has to say yes to keep us happy. That may be overly cautious, but I think you're well over the line here. Larla's mom is out of line too. The nanny is not her equal and they're not trading favors. She's asking your nanny to do something and there's no avenue for her to return the favor or pay your nanny back (without actually paying her). And, she's doing it with your tacit approval, meaning your nanny likely feels like she can't say no even if she wants to.

[Anonymous]

The other woman is stunningly rude. She is using the nanny and she is using you, OP. Just make it stop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just to be a devil's advocate, there is a chance that nanny is fine with the arrangement because it might be easier to have two girls who get along together than having to entertain your DD herself.

So I'd maybe have another more direct conversation with nanny first, and float the idea of asking the other mom to pay her?

She needs to be compensated for the responsibility for taking care of another child, no matter how much easier it is for her. At the risk of sounding dramatic, she responsible for this girl's life while she is with nanny. (I'm know there's a less dramatic way to phrase this)

There is no risk of you sounding dramatic - you do sound dramatic and ridiculous.

The Nanny is in charge of the safety and well-being of another child while she is with her. Do you think that's dramatic and ridiculous ?

As a parent of two high energy boys who has also done a few stints of coaching yes it is ridiculous and dramatic.

They are having a play date not hiking the Himalayans while drunk.

If the home is safe for one kid it is just as safe for two.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just to be a devil's advocate, there is a chance that nanny is fine with the arrangement because it might be easier to have two girls who get along together than having to entertain your DD herself.

So I'd maybe have another more direct conversation with nanny first, and float the idea of asking the other mom to pay her?

She needs to be compensated for the responsibility for taking care of another child, no matter how much easier it is for her. At the risk of sounding dramatic, she responsible for this girl's life while she is with nanny. (I'm know there's a less dramatic way to phrase this)

There is no risk of you sounding dramatic - you do sound dramatic and ridiculous.

The Nanny is in charge of the safety and well-being of another child while she is with her. Do you think that's dramatic and ridiculous ?

As a parent of two high energy boys who has also done a few stints of coaching yes it is ridiculous and dramatic.

They are having a play date not hiking the Himalayans while drunk.

If the home is safe for one kid it is just as safe for two.

Who do you think these people would sue if something happened to their daughter while playing? We had insurance for this reason when we had a nanny.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you sent the note that others are proposing, I'd never be friends with you because you are making their play together about money. That's fine if you don't care, but I also think it could make things awkward between your families and consequently hurt their friendship.

Tell your nanny to say no if she doesn't want to do this. Or how about you ask the other mom if you can come up with a car pool schedule where she and the nanny alternate weeks of driving to gymnastics?

I kinda get what you're saying PP but if you don't want it to be about money than you don't take advantage of another family's paid childcare without trying to head this off at the past by being overly generous in offering to compensate the nanny.

IE, if I were the other mom and I didn't want to make it weird, I would have already offered nanny money and told this mom that I had done that. And thanked her profusely for being ok with it.

I would say OP, that you know the players. It is a nice arrangement for your DD and a note that aggressive could kill it. If nanny is REALLY ok with it I might just let it go but its hard to know if she is since she wants to be accommodating to stay with your family. What a crappy position other mom has put you in, because this isn't about money for you, its about compensating nanny fairly.

I think I'd probably send her a note that says something like, 'Hi Sarah, I know that Nanny has been driving Larla and DD to gymnastics every Wednesday and also on some weekdays. And then Larla is coming to hang out a lot of the afternoons. I am totally fine with this and so happy the girls are such good friends but I want to make sure Nanny is fairly compensated as this isn't what we discussed with her when we hired her. Any chance we could grab coffee and discuss?'

Any reasonable person will read that note and IMMEDIATELY offer to compensate nanny or scale it back dramatically but it likely won't REALLY hurt the core relationship. She will NOT want to have coffee with you to discuss this. If she ignores or doesn't change her behavior than you have grounds to go to the other harsher message. But I would try to keep it a little more friendly for the initial volley since you want DD and Larla to still be friends.

[Anonymous]

--The woman is taking advantage

--The nanny is going along with it bc the playmate factor benefits both her and her change.

--However, the nanny should be compensated.

--Asking the other family to compensate would affect the relationship. She will simply remove her daughter from the pickup equation.

--If you want YOUR nanny to pick up HER child (so your child, your nanny, and your friend can continue to enjoy the relationship), you should probably give your nanny a little salary bump up - call it extra gas money or whatever. This will keep everyone happy (except you - sorry mom).

--Down the road, you can directly say "I started giving my nanny an extra $x per week for picking up Larla, do you want to contribute" or something like that?

--Sorry - I think in bullets!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just to be a devil's advocate, there is a chance that nanny is fine with the arrangement because it might be easier to have two girls who get along together than having to entertain your DD herself.

So I'd maybe have another more direct conversation with nanny first, and float the idea of asking the other mom to pay her?

She needs to be compensated for the responsibility for taking care of another child, no matter how much easier it is for her. At the risk of sounding dramatic, she responsible for this girl's life while she is with nanny. (I'm know there's a less dramatic way to phrase this)

There is no risk of you sounding dramatic - you do sound dramatic and ridiculous.

The Nanny is in charge of the safety and well-being of another child while she is with her. Do you think that's dramatic and ridiculous ?

As a parent of two high energy boys who has also done a few stints of coaching yes it is ridiculous and dramatic.

They are having a play date not hiking the Himalayans while drunk.

If the home is safe for one kid it is just as safe for two.

Who do you think these people would sue if something happened to their daughter while playing? We had insurance for this reason when we had a nanny.

+1. When you leave someone with your kid, you're leaving someone there to protect them. Otherwise you would just go to work and leave the kids at home. Life and death is the extreme end of the spectrum but I want my nanny to take it seriously that I have entrusted the two people I care about most in the world to her.

[Anonymous]

this is tricky because if you take this as far as some want, there would never be a playdate with a non nanny kid. In our neighborhood there's a real divide in kids with nannies play together and kids with SAH moms play together. And I don't think you want that. (after all you're paying the nanny - it's not like your child would ever go over there and hang out for a playdate, so it's automatically one sided).

OTOH, there is a creep happening - someone early on suggested a note that I liked. Maybe the other mom pays for 1-2 hours a week or something similar, but not something that's a real playdate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do you have a FT nanny if your kid is in school during the day? Ask Larla's mom if she wants to pay your nanny to help her out sometimes.

And yes, it's unfair, and you need to say something to the other mom.

(Bump) Good question. OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do you have a FT nanny if your kid is in school during the day? Ask Larla's mom if she wants to pay your nanny to help her out sometimes.

And yes, it's unfair, and you need to say something to the other mom.

(Bump) Good question. OP?

Completely irrelevant question. Maybe nanny is half housekeeper but its immaterial to the question and to the situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This seems like a bizarre first world thing to worry about but I don't run in circles where folks have nannies so I suspect there are some different expectations about life and its burdens.

But I do have a Kindergartner and nothing makes my day easier than when DS has a playdate as I can get a lot done so I doubt very much that the Nanny considers this to be an imposition.

So if DD and Nanny are both happy what exactly is the problem here?

I agree this could be the situation and also think you need to have another discussion with your nanny first. I'm a sahm, but we used to have a nanny, and my nanny/DD became good friends with another nanny/DD on our street. They were together all the time. Now that I'm home, the other nanny frequently texts me for play dates. When I'm busy, she asks if my DD can play over there. I really do think she prefers having my DD because it makes it easier for her. On just a couple of occasions I've asked her if she could watch my DD for a brief period (with the mother's approval), and tried to pay her but she declined.

This situation is not exactly the same as the sahm does seem to be taking advantage and it's very one-way, but get your nanny's viewpoint first. The most concerning thing to me is the gymnastics class because your nanny is responsible for getting her there AND watching her in a place where she might get hurt. And the fact that the mom has not run any of this by you is also annoying.