How to handle this awkward situation?

[Anonymous]

OP, I think the biggest issue here is the mom using your nanny as backup care. It's one thing for the girl to come over periodically for a mutually agreed playdate; it's something very very very different if the mom calls your nanny multiple times each week to babysit her child. One is a playdate, the other is childcare, and childcare is not free.

You really need to step in here. There's no easy way to get around this. I wouldn't ask for money; it seems petty and it really does mess with all the dynamics, between you and your nanny, between your daughter and her friend, etc. I would just shut down the communications channel. Reach out to the mom and ask her to coordinate playdates with you in advance. You can say that there have been some changes to the nanny's schedule or your daughter's schedule, you can make it a 'nice' conversation, but unless she's truly dense, she'll get the message. It might be a hassle for you, but on the plus side it may prompt everyone to be a bit more deliberate in planning activities for your daughter after school.

One final point: the mom may not really appreciate that she's taking advantage. I work from home a lot and one of my neighbors has 3 kids with multiple activities, etc. She's the nicest person ever, but she genuinely thinks of herself as wildly stressed & busy because she shuttles the kids to multiple activities. And she routinely asks us to drive/pick up/briefly watch one of the kids who is friends with our child. It sometimes makes me crazy; I'm managing this insane balance around a couple of kids and a busy job, and now I have to work in her kid too? But my sense is that many SAHMs seem to be meshed into a network of moms who do share backup care, driving, etc, and it works for them because it all balances off in the end.

[Anonymous]

I would ask the nanny how she feels about it.
I would ask the nanny to take Larla to gymnastics on me.
Any other pick ups, I would tell the other mom, "Nanny would need to be compensated $5 an hour for an additional child" or some such.

[Anonymous]

OP,please let us know what action you chose and the outcome.

[Anonymous]

There are always people who take advantage. I’m a SAHM and feel like I am always the one hosting. We also have a part time nanny so that I can drive older kids to activities without dragging two other kids. We have that luxury. Not everyone does.

It is FAR easier if you have a well behaved friend over for a play date. I often did play dates for my kindergartener and preschooler a few years ago. Again, I was often the host. Then we had a new baby. Now I have the part time nanny but still am always the host. I don’t mind because my kids love having friends over.

There are a few kids with work at home parents who seem to just abuse you. We had sets of siblings knock on our door daily. I stopped that real quick. I almost invited them over winter break but was so afraid they would come knocking again daily that I did not ask. My kids like them fine. Some people are just so rude.

[Anonymous]

I honestly don't see this as a big deal. I say this as someone who currently employs a nanny, and once worked as a nanny. Here are what I see are the relevant facts;
1. The girls are best friends.
2. the girls are in Kindergarten.
3. nanny has said she is totally fine with this.

In terms or driving the girls to gymnastics- nanny is picking them up from the same place, and driving them to the same place. This is not more effort for nanny. Yes- it benefits other mom- but who cares- her getting a benefit doesn't take away from anyone. Plus it benefits society- one less car on the road, in the parking lot at gymnastics, etc.

In terms of her contacting nanny directly and asking her to get her daughter, and bring her to your house to play- again who cares. Two girls who are best friends playing together is typically less work than one girl who is restless after school. Its really nice for your daughter as well b/c she gets to play with her friend. I love listening to young elementary schoolers playing together- rich imaginative play. It's so good for them.

you could have another conversation with your nanny- make sure again she is okay with this, and tell her to let you know if it becomes a problem and you will take care of it.

In terms of some of the weird fears about 'well, will she expect nanny to pick up her daughter if nanny is home with a sick child?" That's not part of this story. That has never happened. This is not hard=== I can't pick up Larla today b/c Joselyn is sick. Or hi Larla's mom- your running late? I'm sorry to hear that, actually i'm not doing school pick up today bc/ Joselyn is home sick.

Sure- you could manufacture reasons why your nanny can't do this- or get your daughter in more activities- but why? It seems like that would just be hurting your own daughter.

[Anonymous]

The parents of singles that I know seem to always want play dates. My friends son is best friends with a single. The single’s Mom is always taking my frirnd’s Son out.

I don’t thinks having regular play dates are bad. I do think they should go through the parent though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you sent the note that others are proposing, I'd never be friends with you because you are making their play together about money. That's fine if you don't care, but I also think it could make things awkward between your families and consequently hurt their friendship.

Tell your nanny to say no if she doesn't want to do this. Or how about you ask the other mom if you can come up with a car pool schedule where she and the nanny alternate weeks of driving to gymnastics?

I kinda get what you're saying PP but if you don't want it to be about money than you don't take advantage of another family's paid childcare without trying to head this off at the past by being overly generous in offering to compensate the nanny.

IE, if I were the other mom and I didn't want to make it weird, I would have already offered nanny money and told this mom that I had done that. And thanked her profusely for being ok with it.

I would say OP, that you know the players. It is a nice arrangement for your DD and a note that aggressive could kill it. If nanny is REALLY ok with it I might just let it go but its hard to know if she is since she wants to be accommodating to stay with your family. What a crappy position other mom has put you in, because this isn't about money for you, its about compensating nanny fairly.

I think I'd probably send her a note that says something like, 'Hi Sarah, I know that Nanny has been driving Larla and DD to gymnastics every Wednesday and also on some weekdays. And then Larla is coming to hang out a lot of the afternoons. I am totally fine with this and so happy the girls are such good friends but I want to make sure Nanny is fairly compensated as this isn't what we discussed with her when we hired her. Any chance we could grab coffee and discuss?'

Any reasonable person will read that note and IMMEDIATELY offer to compensate nanny or scale it back dramatically but it likely won't REALLY hurt the core relationship. She will NOT want to have coffee with you to discuss this. If she ignores or doesn't change her behavior than you have grounds to go to the other harsher message. But I would try to keep it a little more friendly for the initial volley since you want DD and Larla to still be friends.

If you choose to say something to the other mom, I'd use this language and not other language proposed. This is much nicer, lets the other mom know that you want to maintain a friendship, and you're proposing discussing something over a friendly coffee, not demanding cash from her immediately. If I received this language, I'd respond nicely and would be accommodating (and apologetic). If I received the other email that reads like an invoice for a service I (perhaps?) didn't realize I used, I would be really annoyed - and that's not to excuse the other mom's impositions, but just the reality of how harsh that language comes across. It's easier to hide behind harsh words on an anonymous online forum, but presumably this is a mom that you might like, may continue to see for years at school and kids' social events, and would like to at least be civil with. Consider that, too.

[Anonymous]

The problem with compensation is that as soon as this other mom pays even a dollar to a nanny, she'll come up with a way to unload the other 2 kids somehow too, because hey, now she is the nanny's employer as well.

I mean come on, the kids are 2. What's a best friend at 2? I would disengage from this family, because the mom is blatantly unethical.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The problem with compensation is that as soon as this other mom pays even a dollar to a nanny, she'll come up with a way to unload the other 2 kids somehow too, because hey, now she is the nanny's employer as well.

I mean come on, the kids are 2. What's a best friend at 2? I would disengage from this family, because the mom is blatantly unethical.

The kids are in kindergarten, probably more around 5. And sure probably not best friends for life but great playmates now.

[Anonymous]

Devils Advocate here:

My DD has a friend with a nanny, and we help EACH OTHER. Does this mom ever take care of your child? I pick girls up from school when she is running late due to another child's function- and it is 50/50. But the girls like to play together.

A lot of times my older DD has plans/practices and I am not able to offer a playdate. Nanny/friend insists on taking my younger DD home so they can play and should I say no, because she is the nanny? It is always asked by her, I do not ask her to take my DD ever! Do you know if this is what is happening? I bend over backwards to try to reciprocate, so I won't be seen as taking advantage of. I love the nanny and consider her a friend,, too, and also the mom.

In conclusion, it might not be as cut and dried as you think.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The problem with compensation is that as soon as this other mom pays even a dollar to a nanny, she'll come up with a way to unload the other 2 kids somehow too, because hey, now she is the nanny's employer as well.

I mean come on, the kids are 2. What's a best friend at 2? I would disengage from this family, because the mom is blatantly unethical.

The kids are in kindergarten, probably more around 5. And sure probably not best friends for life but great playmates now.

Still doesn't make it ok what the other mom is doing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My biggest issue with this situation is that she’s contacting the nanny directly and not OP. Seems underhanded.

Depends on how OP feels about it. I don't want SAHMs calling or texting me at work to try to arrange playdates or whatever. Just contact the nanny, I'm busy and not home with them at those hours anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
We have gone off the deep end if we need insurance to host a two person playdate at a home. And even thinking about it in legalistic terms I'm not sure how the Nanny's liability is any different if a guest gets injured instead of her legal charge.

The difference is that the parents of the legal charge have an existing relationship with the nanny and probably some sort of contract with her as well that spells out how things would be handled.

Personally, my biggest concern would be the driving part more than the at-home part. Car accidents happen. I personally would feel uncomfortable myself driving the kid of someone I didn't know well let alone having my nanny drive them...though that just might be me. People are litigious, and you just never know...

This for me. I’ve been in three car accidents the past decade. Nanny has been in one. Accidents happen. I would hate to have my nanny take on legal liability for a car accident where Larla gets injured.
I’m ok with Larla coming over and spending extra time at home as long as Larlas mom does drop off and pick up.

I also think talk about $ would kill the relationship and it wouldn’t address my real fear of car accidents happening to nanny plus kids. Idk if my position will change as my kids start public school and possibly carpooling.

[Anonymous]

This is interesting - I work PT and my DC's 2 best friends have parents where both work FT. My child loves their 2 besties so I do often host during times I know the other 2 families cannot. But they (other 2 families) are really really generous & find ways to offer supports themselves (in the whole, it works out in the end category). Since I work PT, I do sometimes text the nannies of friends' kids to say, hey, I will be 5 min late, can you watch my kid (they all walk home). Or another mom, who may be a SAHM or a PT working mom. However, some people are just takers, and it sounds like OP's kid's friend's mom is in that camp. I always reciprocate playdates/rides/favors, whether it's a nanny or a parent. Sounds like OP's not getting anything done in return for the favors her family (her nanny for the most part) is doing. That gets old after awhile, especially if you are not adult friends or family friends, just the kids are. Not sure what I would do, since it IS nice for the child to have the good friend. That would be my primary objective - preserve the friendship without feeling taken advantage of. Is there something helpful the other family could do to free up nanny or your family?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP,please let us know what action you chose and the outcome.

Bump