How to handle this awkward situation?

[Anonymous]

DD is in kindergarten and she met a little girl at the beginning of the year who is now her best friend. We can call her Larla. DH and I work and have a FT nanny, and this mom is a SAHM mom with 3 kids so she is always running around. Larla's parents are really nice and we are friendly, but I wouldn't say we are great friends. The girls get together all the time, but us parents don't really (mainly because we are all busy and I am not home during the week).

My nanny picks my DD up from school at 3pm every day and on Wednesdays she takes gymnastics with Larla. One week when the mom was in a pinch she asked if my nanny could pick Larla up from school too and take her to gym. No problem. But somehow that has become the norm and my nanny now takes her every week. On top of that, she regularly texts my nanny (I gave Larla's mom my nanny's number to coordinate play dates) to ask if she can take Larla home another 1-2x per week when she is stuck or running late. Nanny ends up bringing Larla to our house and the girls play until her mom picks her up at some point. The girls have fun so not a big deal really.

My nanny is the one who tells me all of this, not Larla's mom. I did say something to her mom once, like, if you need my nanny to help regularly we should all discuss together to ensure my nanny is comfortable (and fairly compensated). I truly don't mind sharing my nanny in this way, but DH is really worried that our nanny is getting taken advantage of - we just have one child so it's nice for her to have someone to play with and our nanny isn't being pulled in a million other directions, but at the same time she gets paid to watch one child, not two. Nanny says she is fine with it and she will let me know if that changes, but she is so nice I am not sure she will.

So, WWYD here? Say something more firm to the mom, let it go? I don't want to make things weird between us because the girls are so close, but at the very least she could buy my nanny a Starbucks gift card or something to thank her, right?

[Anonymous]

The other woman is using your nanny - plain and simple. Make it clear to Larla's mother that your nanny is happy to help out in an emergency but cannot regularly assume the responsibility or liability of taking care of another child. It is insulting to even suggest throwing the nanny a bone (like a Starbucks card). Please stop this now, OP.

[Anonymous]

She is getting free childcare at the expense of your nanny. You, as the nanny's employer, need to say something to the other mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The other woman is using your nanny - plain and simple. Make it clear to Larla's mother that your nanny is happy to help out in an emergency but cannot regularly assume the responsibility or liability of taking care of another child. It is insulting to even suggest throwing the nanny a bone (like a Starbucks card). Please stop this now, OP.

I don't think OP was being insulting. She DID mention it to both the mom and nanny. It sounds like they're taking a go-with-the-flow approach. The prudent and most respectful thing would be for OP to push the issue, but the other mom's put everyone else in a difficult situation.

[Anonymous]

She is taking advantage of your nanny. Your nanny is nice enough that she is "fine" with it, but this could lead to resentment.

You need to talk to the other mom and have her pay your nanny for the extra work. The responsibility for this other child is being forced on to your nanny and that is not good.

[Anonymous]

Why do you have a FT nanny if your kid is in school during the day? Ask Larla's mom if she wants to pay your nanny to help her out sometimes.

And yes, it's unfair, and you need to say something to the other mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD is in kindergarten and she met a little girl at the beginning of the year who is now her best friend. We can call her Larla. DH and I work and have a FT nanny, and this mom is a SAHM mom with 3 kids so she is always running around. Larla's parents are really nice and we are friendly, but I wouldn't say we are great friends. The girls get together all the time, but us parents don't really (mainly because we are all busy and I am not home during the week).

My nanny picks my DD up from school at 3pm every day and on Wednesdays she takes gymnastics with Larla. One week when the mom was in a pinch she asked if my nanny could pick Larla up from school too and take her to gym. No problem. But somehow that has become the norm and my nanny now takes her every week. On top of that, she regularly texts my nanny (I gave Larla's mom my nanny's number to coordinate play dates) to ask if she can take Larla home another 1-2x per week when she is stuck or running late. Nanny ends up bringing Larla to our house and the girls play until her mom picks her up at some point. The girls have fun so not a big deal really.

My nanny is the one who tells me all of this, not Larla's mom. I did say something to her mom once, like, if you need my nanny to help regularly we should all discuss together to ensure my nanny is comfortable (and fairly compensated). I truly don't mind sharing my nanny in this way, but DH is really worried that our nanny is getting taken advantage of - we just have one child so it's nice for her to have someone to play with and our nanny isn't being pulled in a million other directions, but at the same time she gets paid to watch one child, not two. Nanny says she is fine with it and she will let me know if that changes, but she is so nice I am not sure she will.

So, WWYD here? Say something more firm to the mom, let it go? I don't want to make things weird between us because the girls are so close, but at the very least she could buy my nanny a Starbucks gift card or something to thank her, right?

And you're not??

[Anonymous]

What a rude woman the other mom is!

Unless she's worked out a payment arrangement with your nanny, (which probably has not, otherwise nanny would tell you) I think you need to facilitate one. I'd just drop a note like "I'm so glad Larla and Susie are so close, we love their playdates and Nanny just adores Larla. Because Nanny is our employee and our pay schedule is for one child, and since this is becoming regular we should probably come up with some type of pay arrangement to make sure Nanny is treated fairly. Nanny's hourly compensation rate is $X."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What a rude woman the other mom is!

Unless she's worked out a payment arrangement with your nanny, (which probably has not, otherwise nanny would tell you) I think you need to facilitate one. I'd just drop a note like "I'm so glad Larla and Susie are so close, we love their playdates and Nanny just adores Larla. Because Nanny is our employee and our pay schedule is for one child, and since this is becoming regular we should probably come up with some type of pay arrangement to make sure Nanny is treated fairly. Nanny's hourly compensation rate is $X."

I like this but I would remove the "probably."

[Anonymous]

Just to be a devil's advocate, there is a chance that nanny is fine with the arrangement because it might be easier to have two girls who get along together than having to entertain your DD herself.

So I'd maybe have another more direct conversation with nanny first, and float the idea of asking the other mom to pay her?

[Anonymous]

This seems like a bizarre first world thing to worry about but I don't run in circles where folks have nannies so I suspect there are some different expectations about life and its burdens.

But I do have a Kindergartner and nothing makes my day easier than when DS has a playdate as I can get a lot done so I doubt very much that the Nanny considers this to be an imposition.

So if DD and Nanny are both happy what exactly is the problem here?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What a rude woman the other mom is!

Unless she's worked out a payment arrangement with your nanny, (which probably has not, otherwise nanny would tell you) I think you need to facilitate one. I'd just drop a note like "I'm so glad Larla and Susie are so close, we love their playdates and Nanny just adores Larla. Because Nanny is our employee and our pay schedule is for one child, and since this is becoming regular we should probably come up with some type of pay arrangement to make sure Nanny is treated fairly. Nanny's hourly compensation rate is $X."

I like this but I would remove the "probably."

Agree. I would change it to "since this has become a regular occurence, we will need to come up with..." to make it clear that her behavior is already into unacceptable territory. Otherwise, I'd be afraid the other mom would backpedal and think if she doesn't push it any farther than she already has, and leaves it at the nanny continuing to take the girl to gymnastics every single week, that she won't have to pay anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just to be a devil's advocate, there is a chance that nanny is fine with the arrangement because it might be easier to have two girls who get along together than having to entertain your DD herself.

So I'd maybe have another more direct conversation with nanny first, and float the idea of asking the other mom to pay her?

She needs to be compensated for the responsibility for taking care of another child, no matter how much easier it is for her. At the risk of sounding dramatic, she responsible for this girl's life while she is with nanny. (I'm know there's a less dramatic way to phrase this)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What a rude woman the other mom is!

Unless she's worked out a payment arrangement with your nanny, (which probably has not, otherwise nanny would tell you) I think you need to facilitate one. I'd just drop a note like "I'm so glad Larla and Susie are so close, we love their playdates and Nanny just adores Larla. Because Nanny is our employee and our pay schedule is for one child, and since this is becoming regular we should probably come up with some type of pay arrangement to make sure Nanny is treated fairly. Nanny's hourly compensation rate is $X."

I like this but I would remove the "probably."

Agree. I would change it to "since this has become a regular occurence, we will need to come up with..." to make it clear that her behavior is already into unacceptable territory. Otherwise, I'd be afraid the other mom would backpedal and think if she doesn't push it any farther than she already has, and leaves it at the nanny continuing to take the girl to gymnastics every single week, that she won't have to pay anything.

and +1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just to be a devil's advocate, there is a chance that nanny is fine with the arrangement because it might be easier to have two girls who get along together than having to entertain your DD herself.

So I'd maybe have another more direct conversation with nanny first, and float the idea of asking the other mom to pay her?

She needs to be compensated for the responsibility for taking care of another child, no matter how much easier it is for her. At the risk of sounding dramatic, she responsible for this girl's life while she is with nanny. (I'm know there's a less dramatic way to phrase this)

There is no risk of you sounding dramatic - you do sound dramatic and ridiculous.