Give me permission to just not visit my dad this Christmas please

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I get it, I really do. I’m just curious how other people cope with things like this? Tired doesn’t even cover how I feel-more like exhausted, gutted. It feels like my whole life involves sucking it up and doing what I don’t want to do. I know that’s partially adulthood, but sometimes it just goes too far. The only way I get through the week is knowing that on Sunday morning I can go to therapy for one hour and on Saturday evening I can watch 2-3 hours of tv. This trip will take away the two things I look forward to all week. I know it’s stupid but I’m actually tearing up thinking about it.

I know I’m not the only person with a young kid and a job, why is that so overwhelming for me that when I have to fit one more thing in, I feel complete misery? Other people have more kids, harder jobs, etc. and they go see their families. It just feels insurmountable right now even though I agree I really should do this for my dad who is the nicest most understanding guy ever.

Can you move therapy to Saturday morning and go before you leave to see your dad? Can you take Friday or Monday off?

[Anonymous]

You need to do what you need to do for your health and sanity. That said, if your dad died in surgery, would you wish you had made the effort? Is there something else that can give...time with the in laws? Maybe DH can take baby on that obligation and you stay home and rest. Can you buy some premise meals at Whole Foods to stock the freezer and get meal prep out of the way for a couple of weeks?

The visit with your dad can conceivably be a day trip. Leave at 6 am, take him to lunch and visit 2-3 hours and you’re back by dinner. You can do that on a Sunday so you don’t miss your Saturday things you look forward to. Or, can you take a week day off work and do it on a Friday or something?

[Anonymous]

You call in sick to work on December 15. You have your husband get your child to daycare. You sleep (no watching TV...next thing you know, you've lost your chance to rest). Sleep for 4 or 5 hours. Get up, go for a walk, breathe in some fresh cold air. Order some sort of delivery food that you enjoy. Get everyone to bed early Friday night. Leave for your Dad's before sunrise on Saturday. Enjoy the drive, roll down the windows some, listen to holiday music. Visit your dad for the day...either head for home at bedtime for your child or stay over, having breakfast and then heading home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I get it, I really do. I’m just curious how other people cope with things like this? Tired doesn’t even cover how I feel-more like exhausted, gutted. It feels like my whole life involves sucking it up and doing what I don’t want to do. I know that’s partially adulthood, but sometimes it just goes too far. The only way I get through the week is knowing that on Sunday morning I can go to therapy for one hour and on Saturday evening I can watch 2-3 hours of tv. This trip will take away the two things I look forward to all week. I know it’s stupid but I’m actually tearing up thinking about it.

I know I’m not the only person with a young kid and a job, why is that so overwhelming for me that when I have to fit one more thing in, I feel complete misery? Other people have more kids, harder jobs, etc. and they go see their families. It just feels insurmountable right now even though I agree I really should do this for my dad who is the nicest most understanding guy ever.

Believe me, I understand. We have now 6-yo twins and the first 18 months were HARD. Added to the fact that we had no family within 1000 miles, I have a spouse who cannot drive, has many medical appointments with specialists for a genetic disorder and cannot drive. Yes, I definitely understand how hard this all is on you and I sympathize.

That said, with your father's surgery and your promise, you need to make it happen. Your father needs to see his daughter and granddaughter before the holidays (since he can't spend the holiday with them) and his surgery. Can you take a day off on Friday the the 15th? Take a day off for yourself. Take you daughter to daycare, then take the day off, sleep, get a massage, see a movie, catch up on your TV, anything that will help your destress and cope. Then leave Friday after "work". Your daughter can sleep in the car. Get there late Friday (even if you have to stay in a hotel for one night or one extra night). Visit all day Saturday and Sunday through lunch/brunch. After you eat, drive back Sunday afternoon and you can be ready to go again Monday.

[Anonymous]

Op here. Thanks everyone. We will go visit my dad. I just texted him to try and figure out plans.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You call in sick to work on December 15. You have your husband get your child to daycare. You sleep (no watching TV...next thing you know, you've lost your chance to rest). Sleep for 4 or 5 hours. Get up, go for a walk, breathe in some fresh cold air. Order some sort of delivery food that you enjoy. Get everyone to bed early Friday night. Leave for your Dad's before sunrise on Saturday. Enjoy the drive, roll down the windows some, listen to holiday music. Visit your dad for the day...either head for home at bedtime for your child or stay over, having breakfast and then heading home.

This is a really good idea. It's what I would do.

[Anonymous]

I get it OP, I just started working full time after being part time for a very long time. I am exhausted and my weekends are precious. I committed to visiting a friend who just moved several hours away and I backed out of it. I just didn't want to give up that much of my weekend! However, a parent is different. I agree with taking a day off if you can (I'm doing that tomorrow). I suspect you would be guilt ridden if you didn't go and that would add to your stress level.

[Anonymous]

I give you permission, OP. I hope you feel better soon.

[Anonymous]

Scrap the work holiday parties and take a sick day. How old is your kid - don’t go crazy shopping for presents especially if they are more into opening the presents than the presents...buy a couple gifts then and the wrap up some old toys.

[Anonymous]

OP, I just want to give you a hug (and a shoulder to cry on if you need it). Not only does it sound like you do have a lot on your plate, I hear loud and clear you and physically and emotionally near a breaking point. I understand. I spent years sucking it up, rising to the occasion, making it work, because I felt like I had to (and because of society's expectations for women, but that's another conversation). And I broke. I'm not ashamed to admit it. It was ugly, painful, brutal. It had to happen so I could really reevaluate and make the changes I needed to make for me.

I'm not going to tell you what to do about visiting your day. I am going to say, don't let your life get to the point that mine was. Make those choices, changes, and reprioritize before you find yourself having a breakdown. Enlist your DH into making these changes, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I just want to give you a hug (and a shoulder to cry on if you need it). Not only does it sound like you do have a lot on your plate, I hear loud and clear you and physically and emotionally near a breaking point. I understand. I spent years sucking it up, rising to the occasion, making it work, because I felt like I had to (and because of society's expectations for women, but that's another conversation). And I broke. I'm not ashamed to admit it. It was ugly, painful, brutal. It had to happen so I could really reevaluate and make the changes I needed to make for me.

I'm not going to tell you what to do about visiting your day. I am going to say, don't let your life get to the point that mine was. Make those choices, changes, and reprioritize before you find yourself having a breakdown. Enlist your DH into making these changes, too.

Op here. Thank you. I HATE my job and have to suck it up and go to pay for my life/family. I despise my in laws but I have to at least make an appearance at thanksgiving and Christmas Eve. I love my DH but he’s not very helpful and he’s gone a lot. I like my dad but the idea of dealing with my stepmother and putting on a smiley face around her makes my stomach turn.

It just feels like every minute of my life requires me to be fake. I need rest, and time for play, but there is none. I can’t carve it out. I can throw money at sitters but adding that on top of daycare means at a certain point I’m not even raising my own child if I never see her. And that is the one true non negotiable.

[Anonymous]

I understand, OP. My son is 11 now, but I remember that feeling of total, utter exhaustion so well. It is terrible. Let me give you hope: it gets better. Truly, it does. And pretty soon - my exhaustion started to lift when my son was 2, and it got better every year after that. I have been fully myself again for years.

I was in similar shoes, with a sick dad who lived a flight away. Even though my parents wanted to see my kid, I sometimes would just go myself to visit for a day. Fly up in the morning, fly home in the evening. And I took a sick day to do it. You could also take a legit vacation day, of course, but do your visit to your dad on any other day than the weekend day you treasure. Trade out the stuff you don't like as much (day with in-laws, work, whatever it is) for this trip you don't want to take. And hold onto your day of rest.

Hand in there.

[Anonymous]

I am going to try and say this as nicely as possible because I can tell you are feeling fragile, OP. You hate your stepmother, you hate her adult children, and now you say you "despise" your in-laws. Time for a little reflection about why you hate so many people in your life. And your job too? Try and find some peace and focus on gratitude for what you have, for the family you have, for the job you have, etc. And you can make changes.

[Anonymous]

My sympathies. I know that feeling of sheer exhaustion. Reevaluate your priorities and say no to all non-essential obligations. That include IL visits and work parties.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My sympathies. I know that feeling of sheer exhaustion. Reevaluate your priorities and say no to all non-essential obligations. That include IL visits and work parties.

Agreed. And I would put visiting the father she loves (who seems to be one person she actually likes in her life) in the essential obligation category. Beg off sick for the dumb work parties.