Give me permission to just not visit my dad this Christmas please

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a 17 month old, Work full time and so does my husband in a demanding job. Dad lives 4 hour drive away in a rural, run down area with nothing to do. I really do love my dad, and I haven’t seen him in months, and I said months ago we’d come visit before Christmas.

I’m just so tired and we have so many commitments right now (with in laws, work parties, etc). Trying to fit this visit in feels too hard.

Dad can’t come visit us because he’s having surgery soon and has a ton of medical appointments.

Making this visit happen will fall 100% on me. I’ve Already been struggling lately with exhaustion, anxiety, and some depression. It just doesn’t feel possible to do this right now.

I also hate my stepmom and her adult kids who all live near my dad. But she isn’t abusive or anything.

I love my dad, I truly do but i just don’t want to squeeze this in right now. Is it ok to just not go?

Surgery? Is it serious, or something elective? I would hate for anything to happen if his health were failing and you missed this opportunity. So you go for one day, stay in a nearby community overnight after the visit and come home. Don't really see what the big deal is. You seem to be tossing your Dad aside for your husband's family. Just saying.

[Anonymous]

OP, it sounds like you have a lot on your plate and it is snowballing.

Can you take some time off work? You need a break.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I get it, I really do. I’m just curious how other people cope with things like this? Tired doesn’t even cover how I feel-more like exhausted, gutted. It feels like my whole life involves sucking it up and doing what I don’t want to do. I know that’s partially adulthood, but sometimes it just goes too far. The only way I get through the week is knowing that on Sunday morning I can go to therapy for one hour and on Saturday evening I can watch 2-3 hours of tv. This trip will take away the two things I look forward to all week. I know it’s stupid but I’m actually tearing up thinking about it.

I know I’m not the only person with a young kid and a job, why is that so overwhelming for me that when I have to fit one more thing in, I feel complete misery? Other people have more kids, harder jobs, etc. and they go see their families. It just feels insurmountable right now even though I agree I really should do this for my dad who is the nicest most understanding guy ever.

It sounds like you might be suffering from depression, OP.

[Anonymous]

can you schedule a weekend retreat just for you for some weekend in January? Doesn't have to be an expensive one.

[Anonymous]

He's 54 and in good health? That's kind of burying the headline. I think you are fine to postpone, but honestly it sounds like you need a break from everything.

[Anonymous]

He is having surgery and he's older. Older people die with surgery. Which is more important to you, work parties or your father?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He is having surgery and he's older. Older people die with surgery. Which is more important to you, work parties or your father?

How old are you, PP? I'm the same age as OP's dad (did you read her update?) and you're characterizing him as practically in his dotage and at death's door. He's healthy but is having knee surgery due to earlier sports-related injuries--not 90 and in precarious health, facing a risky procedure. OP, on the other hand, sounds overwhelmed and possibly depressed and if she's not healthy in both body and mind, her toddler won't have a fully functioning mom.

OP, I know you're going. But after the holidays you and your therapist have some more focused work to do because you need to learn some new coping skills, work on how to be OK with saying no to things, and look at why you're unhappy with work, your in-laws, your step-family, etc. And you and DH may need a reckoning as a couple where he finds a way to be around much more. I really hope this is a wake-up call for you that you can't continue the grind. And it sounds like there is more than just a bit of "toddler years are hard but you'll be fine!" going on here. You do sound more than just seasonally overwhelmed. Double down on the therapy and figure out why there's so much dissatisfaction, and get DH more on board with helping day to day.

[Anonymous]

I can't imagine my parents being 4 hours away and having surgery, and me not going to see them. Especially since you said you love your dad and have a good relationship with him.

You need to put on your big girl panties and do the right thing by your dad. A visit to check on him and show him you love and support him will not kill you. He's done that for you his whole life.

If you're overwhelmed by your own life at the moment, get a prescription for anti anxiety Meds, tell your husband to keep the kids for a weekend, and go visit your dad on your own. That might make the visit easier for you if you don't have to pack everyone up.

I have family 4 hrs away in a Podunk town, and it's doable as an infrequent weekend trip, especially if you go solo and don't have to stop on the way.

Either way, bite the bullet and make it happen. Anything can happen to your dad, and you could regret not going to see him while you had the chance. Even if you can only stay a couple of days, I'm sure it will brighten his spirit to have you there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I get it, I really do. I’m just curious how other people cope with things like this? Tired doesn’t even cover how I feel-more like exhausted, gutted. It feels like my whole life involves sucking it up and doing what I don’t want to do. I know that’s partially adulthood, but sometimes it just goes too far. The only way I get through the week is knowing that on Sunday morning I can go to therapy for one hour and on Saturday evening I can watch 2-3 hours of tv. This trip will take away the two things I look forward to all week. I know it’s stupid but I’m actually tearing up thinking about it.

I know I’m not the only person with a young kid and a job, why is that so overwhelming for me that when I have to fit one more thing in, I feel complete misery? Other people have more kids, harder jobs, etc. and they go see their families. It just feels insurmountable right now even though I agree I really should do this for my dad who is the nicest most understanding guy ever.

It sounds like you might be suffering from depression, OP.

OP it doesn't sounds your Sunday therapy is working very well if you're still sounding this desperate and overwhelmed. What kind of therapist is open on Sunday mornings anyway?? Seriously, you may need to find a new and better therapist.

As a previous sufferer of overwhelming anxiety (and as a single mom), I found that not asking for help when I needed it was a huge issue for me. Still is sometimes but I'm way better now. I also had an irrational fear of being broke. I bought a book and workbook for dealing with Anxiety and combatting irrational fear, and that helped tremendously (along with a great therapist).

Perhaps you can try that. It helped me get identify my stressors specifically, and get back control of my life and emotions so the anxiety doesn't overwhelm me anymore. When I feel it, I know how to address it and move on with my life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: I really do love my dad, and I haven’t seen him in months, and I said months ago we’d come visit before Christmas.

Fulfill your commitment and honor your love for your father.

[Anonymous]

Maybe reduce the number of events and activities with in-laws and make some time for your dad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Thanks everyone. We will go visit my dad. I just texted him to try and figure out plans.

And you need a full check-up and blood work done, my dear. This could be a hypo-active thyroid, or an iron deficiency, or something else. It could be depression. It could be a seasonal disorder. Whatever it is, you can't go on like this and need to focus on your health and your close family, not jaunt off to socialize everywhere.

+1 The sheer exhaustion could be hypothyroidism and symptoms can mimic depression. This sounds like beyond-the-ordinary tiredness. You need to figure out what this is. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I get it, I really do. I’m just curious how other people cope with things like this? Tired doesn’t even cover how I feel-more like exhausted, gutted. It feels like my whole life involves sucking it up and doing what I don’t want to do. I know that’s partially adulthood, but sometimes it just goes too far. The only way I get through the week is knowing that on Sunday morning I can go to therapy for one hour and on Saturday evening I can watch 2-3 hours of tv. This trip will take away the two things I look forward to all week. I know it’s stupid but I’m actually tearing up thinking about it.

I know I’m not the only person with a young kid and a job, why is that so overwhelming for me that when I have to fit one more thing in, I feel complete misery? Other people have more kids, harder jobs, etc. and they go see their families. It just feels insurmountable right now even though I agree I really should do this for my dad who is the nicest most understanding guy ever.

It sounds like you might be suffering from depression, OP.

yes probably you are. Also you need to leave earn to set boundaries. To say no. Don’t say yes or make promises to visit unless you really want to go.
My advice is read he book Boundaries, send your regrets to the work party, cancel anything you don’t want to do, suck up two nights with your dad (because you told him you would) , get a therapist and possibly medication, and vow to start the new year differently. Take care of yourself.

[Anonymous]

People need to read the whole thread which include op’s updates. I get it op - I have a dad who is married to someone I don’t enjoy spending time with. But it’s knee surgery and your dad is relatively young. I understand he’s probably in a lot of pain right now and is getting ready for his surgery but you are completely overwhelmed. There was not one day without a doctor appointment that he and stepmom couldn’t have driven up to visit you guys so that you, his daughter, gets a break? He really has doctor appointments on Saturday and Sunday? I think the way you originally framed it we all assumed your dad was elderly and alone and getting ready for open heart surgery. I’m not trying to be callous - I’m just looking out for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People need to read the whole thread which include op’s updates. I get it op - I have a dad who is married to someone I don’t enjoy spending time with. But it’s knee surgery and your dad is relatively young. I understand he’s probably in a lot of pain right now and is getting ready for his surgery but you are completely overwhelmed. There was not one day without a doctor appointment that he and stepmom couldn’t have driven up to visit you guys so that you, his daughter, gets a break? He really has doctor appointments on Saturday and Sunday? I think the way you originally framed it we all assumed your dad was elderly and alone and getting ready for open heart surgery. I’m not trying to be callous - I’m just looking out for you.

Op here. Thanks for this! I didn’t expect to get as hard of a time as I got so I appreciate your post. I am struggling with an anxiety disorder and depression, but even without those issues I still find this time of year kind of sucky and overwhelming.

There’s lots of other facts I wanted to chime in with, but it seemed irrelevant once I fully committed to going to visit.

DH is on board as long as we get a hotel. It’s just hard-our little one doesn’t handle car rides well, we have a dog I’ll have to kennel (this will also entail a vet visit), etc etc. I don’t know. I guess it’s just me but yeah I find all of this while working full time and taking care of a 17 month old to be exhausting.