Give me permission to just not visit my dad this Christmas please

[Anonymous]

I have a 17 month old, Work full time and so does my husband in a demanding job. Dad lives 4 hour drive away in a rural, run down area with nothing to do. I really do love my dad, and I haven’t seen him in months, and I said months ago we’d come visit before Christmas.

I’m just so tired and we have so many commitments right now (with in laws, work parties, etc). Trying to fit this visit in feels too hard.

Dad can’t come visit us because he’s having surgery soon and has a ton of medical appointments.

Making this visit happen will fall 100% on me. I’ve Already been struggling lately with exhaustion, anxiety, and some depression. It just doesn’t feel possible to do this right now.

I also hate my stepmom and her adult kids who all live near my dad. But she isn’t abusive or anything.

I love my dad, I truly do but i just don’t want to squeeze this in right now. Is it ok to just not go?

[Anonymous]

When will you be able to squeeze it in?

[Anonymous]

It’s not okay not to go. Sorry. I totally get it but you told him you’d come, I’m sure he’s looking forward to it, seeing you and his grand baby. I wouldn’t deny either their family, as much of a logistical pain it may be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When will you be able to squeeze it in?

Op here. It would have to be the weekend of the 15th.

[Anonymous]

Usually I'm all anti-having-to-see family. But, you told him you would go. Could you go after Christmas? The week between Christmas and NY's is pretty quiet - or maybe celebrate NYs with him? I understand the crush pre-holiday though. I do give you permission not to go before Christmas but only if there is a firm plan for after - MLK weekend?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s not okay not to go. Sorry. I totally get it but you told him you’d come, I’m sure he’s looking forward to it, seeing you and his grand baby. I wouldn’t deny either their family, as much of a logistical pain it may be.

Agree. Sorry, OP, you need to make this happen.

[Anonymous]

I was ready to give you permission before reading your post, but after reading it, I say go now, because it's probably only going to be harder later. You'll feel guilty after Christmas that you didn't go sooner, winter weather make make a long rural drive harder, etc. Plus, if you have a local commitment you'd rather get out of, you can use the promised visit to your dad as an excuse to get out of one of those.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Usually I'm all anti-having-to-see family. But, you told him you would go. Could you go after Christmas? The week between Christmas and NY's is pretty quiet - or maybe celebrate NYs with him? I understand the crush pre-holiday though. I do give you permission not to go before Christmas but only if there is a firm plan for after - MLK weekend?

Op here. The problem is he’s having knee surgery just before Christmas and will be in full on recovery mode, dealing with a lot of pain. I don’t think he will want us to visit for at least a month or two after, so pushing it back might mean pushing it to March? I am not exactly sure how bad this recovery will be for him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a 17 month old, Work full time and so does my husband in a demanding job. Dad lives 4 hour drive away in a rural, run down area with nothing to do. I really do love my dad, and I haven’t seen him in months, and I said months ago we’d come visit before Christmas.

I’m just so tired and we have so many commitments right now (with in laws, work parties, etc). Trying to fit this visit in feels too hard.

Dad can’t come visit us because he’s having surgery soon and has a ton of medical appointments.

Making this visit happen will fall 100% on me. I’ve Already been struggling lately with exhaustion, anxiety, and some depression. It just doesn’t feel possible to do this right now.

I also hate my stepmom and her adult kids who all live near my dad. But she isn’t abusive or anything.

I love my dad, I truly do but i just don’t want to squeeze this in right now. Is it ok to just not go?

Here is your permission.

In the future, OP, write your own permission slip. You are a grownup now.

[Anonymous]

Sorry, OP. You already said you'd do it; he hasn't done anything wrong; plus, the upcoming surgery. You shouldn't prioritize everything else over him. I think you should go.

[Anonymous]

You sound worn out, OP, and maybe you need help picking up the slack. Can your husband help with some of your stress? Can you throw money at the problem, getting help with holiday prep or paying for a sitter as needed?

That said, your aging father is in bad health, only 4 hours away, and you previously said you'd go. You even cite your in-laws as a reason you're too busy? Sorry, I vote that you need to figure out a way to go.

You mentioned going before Christmas, but if that timing is too tight, maybe you can reschedule for the week after Christmas?

You don't get a pass based on the fact that there's nothing to do there. Family visits are different than vacations, so just keep it short. Leave home at 6 a.m. and be there by 10 a.m. Visit with him in his home and let him have time with you and his grandchild. Drive home the next day or evening. Done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a 17 month old, Work full time and so does my husband in a demanding job. Dad lives 4 hour drive away in a rural, run down area with nothing to do. I really do love my dad, and I haven’t seen him in months, and I said months ago we’d come visit before Christmas.

I’m just so tired and we have so many commitments right now (with in laws, work parties, etc). Trying to fit this visit in feels too hard.

Dad can’t come visit us because he’s having surgery soon and has a ton of medical appointments.

Making this visit happen will fall 100% on me. I’ve Already been struggling lately with exhaustion, anxiety, and some depression. It just doesn’t feel possible to do this right now.

I also hate my stepmom and her adult kids who all live near my dad. But she isn’t abusive or anything.

I love my dad, I truly do but i just don’t want to squeeze this in right now. Is it ok to just not go?

These two factors were the clinchers for me--you said you'd visit, and he's having surgery soon. Yes, you are busy and tired. But you should go.

[Anonymous]

This would be my thought process - and I'm not saying it needs to be yours - surgeries can get complicated when you least expect them to. I'd want to see my dad who I love and miss before he has surgery, especially if I told him I would. I know it's a PITA to travel, but can you make it fun? Can you find a stop on the way there or back that you can stop to do some activity or find something enjoyable to make the drive more than just a means to an end? PS - I also think it's A-OK if you want to go up in the morning and back at your toddler's bedtime and not stay overnight.

[Anonymous]

Op here. I get it, I really do. I’m just curious how other people cope with things like this? Tired doesn’t even cover how I feel-more like exhausted, gutted. It feels like my whole life involves sucking it up and doing what I don’t want to do. I know that’s partially adulthood, but sometimes it just goes too far. The only way I get through the week is knowing that on Sunday morning I can go to therapy for one hour and on Saturday evening I can watch 2-3 hours of tv. This trip will take away the two things I look forward to all week. I know it’s stupid but I’m actually tearing up thinking about it.

I know I’m not the only person with a young kid and a job, why is that so overwhelming for me that when I have to fit one more thing in, I feel complete misery? Other people have more kids, harder jobs, etc. and they go see their families. It just feels insurmountable right now even though I agree I really should do this for my dad who is the nicest most understanding guy ever.

[Anonymous]

Can you take a couple days off work and just go alone for a mid-week visit? Let dh handle the baby alone for a couple of days? I get what you're feeling, but I would try to find some way to see him before the surgery.