Cross-class marriages

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Anyone here with experience marrying into a family from a different class?

I grew up ÛMC/global elite and am marrying a first generation college graduate from a LMC/blue collar family.

What should I know?

Which is it: global elite or UMC? You can't be both. Bill Gates, Warren Buffet, Mark Zuckerburg, etc are global elite.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who are the "global elite"?

I think it has something to do with air travel. They get to sit on the pilot's lap.

PP, I love you.

[Anonymous]

It seems some people are saying it's not a big deal. Then go on to say they have little to no contact with the working-class family...That seems to be at odds with it not being a big deal, right?

I married someone from a different "class" -- which really sounds quite gross to even say. But our issues aren't mingling family, as that's fine. It's because of different expectations and goals that aren't always in sync.

He didn't grow up traveling, doesn't think it's important. I think it's important for kids to be exposed to different cultures and have those experiences. I put a lot of value in education. He thinks more that it doesn't matter what education you have, or if you have a high GPA/good grades/excel in programs, etc., as long as you get what you want out of it, and also that college isn't important. We spend tens of thousands of dollars a year for activities for the kids, because I think it's important for them to be involved in such things. And, frankly, they love it and have made good friends from it. He doesn't think that kids should be involved in so much and if they did nothing outside of school, that would be fine. He can sometimes get uncomfortable in situations where he's surrounded by a lot of people who come from privileged lives, and he can be awkward and stiff and say things that you shouldn't say (I think it's his nerves trying to fit in.) He never really wants "more"...thinks anytime I want a new car or to move, that I'm trying to keep up with the Jones'. But, I just want a bigger yard, or a new neighborhood, or I'm just tired of my car and want a new one. It has nothing to do with anyone else.

I feel like he is constantly trying to validate that his childhood and background are just fine and good enough and people who had it "better" aren't better than him. It's almost like guilt or something that his family will think he's changed or rubbing his life here in their faces (he's from working class New England) and that if he succumbs to all these things that I grew up with or doing, he's being disloyal or something to his upbringing.

[Anonymous]

I'm the poor one. And now we are poor together. We usually laugh about it. There have been many moments of confusion on both of our parts and we laugh (doing or saying things we think are normal and the other person is shocked/confused)

Talking about vacations involving flights. I mentioned something about regular plebeian travel. He took private planes.

Being shocked that you can pay a bill partially and they'll let you roll the balance over until next month.

Poor people food.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Who are the "global elite"?

LOL I am also wondering this.

Call me low class but I have no interest in dating someone who calls him/herself "the global elite" anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who are the "global elite"?

I think it has something to do with air travel. They get to sit on the pilot's lap.

I rarely laugh at loud. This did it. Thank you, you wonderful stranger.

[Anonymous]

DH grew up wealthy (like generations of wealth, trust fund to pay for his education, private school), and I grew up solidly middle class (public school, both my parents worked their way through college, parents are immigrants). We both went to elite universities (me on financial aid, his family had attended these schools for generations).

We dated for a long time, and our values are aligned so we are very happily married with kids. BUT we come at things from a very different perspective, and both have to compromise abut spending habits. It's not a matter (for us) of being able to afford things, but more where we want to spend our money. Mainly, I don't value "high-end" experiences as much as he does, and it can cause conflict. We both make good incomes, fwiw

For example: I think our nice 3000 sq ft Bethesda home is perfect and feel so proud to invite people over; he can't wait to save enough to upgrade to a 7000+ sq ft home. I think occasional long weekends and road trips are nice vacations and want budget even on our international vacations; he wants to go on high-end vacations and stay at 5 star hotels. I watch my pennies and almost never eat out, he thinks nothing of going to starbucks 3 or 4 times each day and would probably eat out every meal if it was up to him.

We socialize with both our families regularly, and try to appreciate what each family brings to our lives, and tolerate the stuff we personally don't support. He appreciates that my parents don't judge him based on his income/profession but thinks that they are not being responsible enough about estate planning; I appreciate that his parents are so supportive of our relationship but wish they didn't use money to pressure us into certain decisions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Anyone here with experience marrying into a family from a different class?

I grew up ÛMC/global elite and am marrying a first generation college graduate from a LMC/blue collar family.

What should I know?

I married down, though my husband and one of his siblings are professional class the extended family are trailer trash. I taught him about tipping, table manners, paying for kids' college expenses etc. but still have problems with his expectations re yard maintenance and sometimes grooming. The main problem involves visits from trashy family who use our home as a vacation destination. Mostly I just smile and bear it. They ARE family, though I draw the line at more than one night visits from adult nieces and nephews and their offspring.

[Anonymous]

I was lucky to be born upper middle class and married down to a guy from a real working class family. He paid his way through college while working 20-30 hours a week. He had never bought anything but the basics and had never traveled. But he was smart, hard working, handsome and was very loving. It's now many years later and he has been incredibly successful definitely in the 1% club. Though we live well he is still very careful with money as deep down I think he worries that it's just a dream and he will wake up and be back where he began. He's instilled good money discipline with me and with our children but never with an "I grew up poor" attitude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Anyone here with experience marrying into a family from a different class?

I grew up ÛMC/global elite and am marrying a first generation college graduate from a LMC/blue collar family.

What should I know?

Your marriage will likely fail, especially if you're a female marrying a male.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It seems some people are saying it's not a big deal. Then go on to say they have little to no contact with the working-class family...That seems to be at odds with it not being a big deal, right?

I married someone from a different "class" -- which really sounds quite gross to even say. But our issues aren't mingling family, as that's fine. It's because of different expectations and goals that aren't always in sync.

He didn't grow up traveling, doesn't think it's important. I think it's important for kids to be exposed to different cultures and have those experiences. I put a lot of value in education. He thinks more that it doesn't matter what education you have, or if you have a high GPA/good grades/excel in programs, etc., as long as you get what you want out of it, and also that college isn't important. We spend tens of thousands of dollars a year for activities for the kids, because I think it's important for them to be involved in such things. And, frankly, they love it and have made good friends from it. He doesn't think that kids should be involved in so much and if they did nothing outside of school, that would be fine. He can sometimes get uncomfortable in situations where he's surrounded by a lot of people who come from privileged lives, and he can be awkward and stiff and say things that you shouldn't say (I think it's his nerves trying to fit in.) He never really wants "more"...thinks anytime I want a new car or to move, that I'm trying to keep up with the Jones'. But, I just want a bigger yard, or a new neighborhood, or I'm just tired of my car and want a new one. It has nothing to do with anyone else.

I feel like he is constantly trying to validate that his childhood and background are just fine and good enough and people who had it "better" aren't better than him. It's almost like guilt or something that his family will think he's changed or rubbing his life here in their faces (he's from working class New England) and that if he succumbs to all these things that I grew up with or doing, he's being disloyal or something to his upbringing.

Sorry, but you AND your DH just sound like insufferable caricatures of rich and poor people and generally sound like a really bad fit. He thinks education and cultural experiences don't matter at all? And you think it's important to spend tens of thousands a year on their activities? Yeah, you both just sound like jerks. Why are you married?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I grew up UMC and my husband's family was solidly MC. I lived in LA and knew celebrities and rode horses with famous people and had friends who had private jets, etc. My family wasn't nearly as rich as many of my friends, but we certainly didn't live badly. Sometimes I will say something, like relating a story, and it happened to have taken place in another country, or the person involved was someone whose name you would recognize, and my in-laws make fun of me. I have learned to bite my tongue a bit, because what I perceived as a normal comment can come across as being elitist, even if I didn't mean it that way. Over time they've learned who I am, and that I'm not defined by my past, and now we can joke about those things, but there was definitely a period during which I had to realize that some things that I would say to my friends could come across differently to people who didn't understand the world in which I grew up. My husband's lifestyle goals are more like mine than the rest of his family, and we are now UMC (no money from my family, we just work really hard), so for us it isn't an issue, but for my in-laws it sometimes is.

It seems that your parents did a bad job exposing you non-super rich people when you were younger. What adult casually lets slip a comment about their private jet trips to europe? No one under the 1% wants to hear those braggy stories about a random celebrity you were partying with in europe. This isn't about your inlaws being poor. This is about your lack of common sense about how to talk to anyone outside your own bubble.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I grew up UMC and my husband's family was solidly MC. I lived in LA and knew celebrities and rode horses with famous people and had friends who had private jets, etc. My family wasn't nearly as rich as many of my friends, but we certainly didn't live badly. Sometimes I will say something, like relating a story, and it happened to have taken place in another country, or the person involved was someone whose name you would recognize, and my in-laws make fun of me. I have learned to bite my tongue a bit, because what I perceived as a normal comment can come across as being elitist, even if I didn't mean it that way. Over time they've learned who I am, and that I'm not defined by my past, and now we can joke about those things, but there was definitely a period during which I had to realize that some things that I would say to my friends could come across differently to people who didn't understand the world in which I grew up. My husband's lifestyle goals are more like mine than the rest of his family, and we are now UMC (no money from my family, we just work really hard), so for us it isn't an issue, but for my in-laws it sometimes is.

It seems that your parents did a bad job exposing you non-super rich people when you were younger. What adult casually lets slip a comment about their private jet trips to europe? No one under the 1% wants to hear those braggy stories about a random celebrity you were partying with in europe. This isn't about your inlaws being poor. This is about your lack of common sense about how to talk to anyone outside your own bubble.

PP here. I think I did a terrible job of describing things. I have never partied with a celebrity in Europe (nor have I ever taken a private jet to Europe - the only trips I ever got to take with my friends who had them were to places like Palm Springs - so short flights). Here's an example of something I've said - my mother-in-law was talking about how the jellyfish were really bad last year at the Outer Banks and she was in the water and looked around and saw them everywhere. I mentioned that the same thing had happened to me when I was snorkeling off the coast of Greece and it totally freaked me out. I honestly mentioned Greece as a fact in the story - not because I was trying to brag about having been in Greece. I have a touch of social awkwardness, so I often say the wrong thing, and this is just an example of me doing that. My parents did expose me to non-super rich people, but the people I spent most of my life with were still very rich, so that was the majority of my interactions. And my in-laws aren't poor by any definition, I said they are solidly middle class. Anyway, it's fine if you don't want to like me or take issue with how my parents raised me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Anyone here with experience marrying into a family from a different class?

I grew up ÛMC/global elite and am marrying a first generation college graduate from a LMC/blue collar family.

What should I know?

Which is it: global elite or UMC? You can't be both. Bill Gates, Warren Buffet, Mark Zuckerburg, etc are global elite.

This.

UMC are not global elite.

Heck you can be UC and still not be global elite.

OP - you're middle class, and you and your family have a sense of self importance that would irritate your new family. I suggest you learn some humility and STFU.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I grew up UMC and my husband's family was solidly MC. I lived in LA and knew celebrities and rode horses with famous people and had friends who had private jets, etc. My family wasn't nearly as rich as many of my friends, but we certainly didn't live badly. Sometimes I will say something, like relating a story, and it happened to have taken place in another country, or the person involved was someone whose name you would recognize, and my in-laws make fun of me. I have learned to bite my tongue a bit, because what I perceived as a normal comment can come across as being elitist, even if I didn't mean it that way. Over time they've learned who I am, and that I'm not defined by my past, and now we can joke about those things, but there was definitely a period during which I had to realize that some things that I would say to my friends could come across differently to people who didn't understand the world in which I grew up. My husband's lifestyle goals are more like mine than the rest of his family, and we are now UMC (no money from my family, we just work really hard), so for us it isn't an issue, but for my in-laws it sometimes is.

It seems that your parents did a bad job exposing you non-super rich people when you were younger. What adult casually lets slip a comment about their private jet trips to europe? No one under the 1% wants to hear those braggy stories about a random celebrity you were partying with in europe. This isn't about your inlaws being poor. This is about your lack of common sense about how to talk to anyone outside your own bubble.

You sound very bitter.

I'm UMC, and I've had similar experiences due to having friends and family that are much richer.

People who are grounded and secure are happy to hear about these things, unless they were brought up completely out of the blue.