Cross-class marriages

[Anonymous]

^^^*Given

[Anonymous]

As we all know, in this area, private K-12 tuition is often more per year than in-state college is per year. Oftentimes, people going to state colleges are paying school tuition for the first time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It seems some people are saying it's not a big deal. Then go on to say they have little to no contact with the working-class family...That seems to be at odds with it not being a big deal, right?

I married someone from a different "class" -- which really sounds quite gross to even say. But our issues aren't mingling family, as that's fine. It's because of different expectations and goals that aren't always in sync.

He didn't grow up traveling, doesn't think it's important. I think it's important for kids to be exposed to different cultures and have those experiences. I put a lot of value in education. He thinks more that it doesn't matter what education you have, or if you have a high GPA/good grades/excel in programs, etc., as long as you get what you want out of it, and also that college isn't important. We spend tens of thousands of dollars a year for activities for the kids, because I think it's important for them to be involved in such things. And, frankly, they love it and have made good friends from it. He doesn't think that kids should be involved in so much and if they did nothing outside of school, that would be fine. He can sometimes get uncomfortable in situations where he's surrounded by a lot of people who come from privileged lives, and he can be awkward and stiff and say things that you shouldn't say (I think it's his nerves trying to fit in.) He never really wants "more"...thinks anytime I want a new car or to move, that I'm trying to keep up with the Jones'. But, I just want a bigger yard, or a new neighborhood, or I'm just tired of my car and want a new one. It has nothing to do with anyone else.

I feel like he is constantly trying to validate that his childhood and background are just fine and good enough and people who had it "better" aren't better than him. It's almost like guilt or something that his family will think he's changed or rubbing his life here in their faces (he's from working class New England) and that if he succumbs to all these things that I grew up with or doing, he's being disloyal or something to his upbringing.

In our family, we have found ourselves using the term "goober pride" to indicate that attitude of "I grew up watching wrestling on TV and we never subscribed to a newspaper and we turned out just fine, so why do you guys all think you need to be fancy?" We encounter a lot of that in his side of the family.
But then there's also a psychological component. Sometimes when my husband tells stories about his upbringing, he describes things that sound like neglect to me -- being dropped off at college with a garbage bag full of clothes and nothing else. No lamp, no laundry basket, etc. Using your summer earnings to pay your contribution to college, and having basically nothing left to live on for the rest of the semester. Never going out on a weekend with the other students because you literally have no money for a cup of coffee, a subway sandwich, etc. Never having your parents visit you at college. Having clothing that clearly marks you as different from the other students and having no ability to fit in, etc.
Our conflict as a couple has been that my husband presents this scenario as normal -- rather than saying, "Gee, it really sucked to be so different and so poor in college and we have the ability to help our kids and that's what we're going to do." Instead, he's like "I survived going to college with no spending money, so we should do the same for our kids. It's good for them, toughens them up, etc." He also seems to have this contrarian attitude where we can afford things but he will decide not to pay for them just so that they can have the experience of doing without (i.e. I would like our son to join a fraternity, be able to join the other kids for spring break).
We have fought over every Stanley Kaplan, Kumon, summer camp, private music lesson, private swimming lesson, expenditure and honestly, if I didn't work myself and also have some family money, I'm not sure if our marriage would have survived. We basically have an uneasy truce where I pay for everything that he thinks is wasteful, stupid and expensive -- from name brand clothing, to lessons, etc.
It's not all bad. For example, thanks to him they've taken on substantive jobs in the summers after high school and college rather than attending expensive summer programs, and honestly they are probably more mature and have better leadership skills than I did at their age as a result.
CUrrently we are negotiating what, if anything, is a reasonable way to help a child who is graduating from college and getting launched in the real world. Here again I worry that he will say that he lived in an unsafe apartment in a bad section of town and had those plastic lawn chairs in his studio apartment for furniture, so that's reasonable. We will see . ..


Seriously? This is not neglect...clearly you have not worked in or been exposed to children's social services...

I wouldn't use the term neglect, but if you aren't used to it, it does come off as out of the ordinary and harsh.

It wasn't until I went to college that I fully understood some people have to pay for their own college and they also HAVE to work at the same time. It did seem cruel to me that parents weren't fully funding everything and people weren't getting monthly deposits into their bank accounts or a credit card to use as they please. Because I had never been exposed to not having money readily available whenever you wanted it. I worked in high school, but I didn't "have" to. My parents wanted me to not be spoiled and pay for my own gas and some clothes. I was in high school before I realized a mortgage and rent weren't the same thing. I thought you could use them interchangeably. College really opened up my eyes to the real world. And I'm sure I came off as rude to new people I met who weren't from the same area, and I would ask questions about things.

No offense intended (really), but it is hard to believe someone can grow up being that cluless and have no exposure at all to class or income differences. How can someone think that all families can fully and readily fund college? My children attend private schools, and having them be this clueless is a major concern for me. They volunteer at soup kitchens and other places in the community for this reason. Expecting someone to work for college tuition and expenses is not neglect. I grew up like you did but not as oblivious.

So here's the thing, I also volunteered at soup kitchens, etc. while growing up, but it always seemed so separate from my reality. So yes, I knew that there were people who didn't go to private school, but that doesn't mean that I equated homeless people for whom I made sandwiches to the people that I'd be going to college with. I know looking back now that some of the kids at my school must have been getting financial aid, but it never occurred to me while I was there. Honestly, it never occurred to me that my parents were paying a lot for me to go to school. I knew that it cost money, but not how much, and not how much versus how much another private might be. Of course, I also graduated from high school in 1997, so the internet wasn't quite what it is now - I don't even know how I would have gone about finding out what other schools' tuitions were even if I had wanted to. So my point is, I knew that there were people who had less money than my family did (including people who were homeless), but that somehow didn't make me understand that there were people who couldn't afford to pay for college. Perhaps it's because what I saw were two extremes? I think it would have been more helpful to learn that kids on a local sports team needed a scholarship in order to be able to play on there or something, I don't know. I'm just saying that you should consider that exposing your children to homeless people isn't necessarily going to help them not be oblivious. I worry about the same thing with my own kids, so I am trying to be conscious of what I need to expose them to so that they don't get to college and find out that there is a lot more to the world than what they see on a daily basis at their private school.

Your husband is better equipped to expose your children to these things.

[Anonymous]

I'm the one who used the term neglect, and to redirect the conversation back to the lady who asked about conflict in cross-class marriages, my point was that I received an awful lot of grief from my husband and his extended family for wanting to do things that I regarded as normal parenting and they regarded as spoiling the children.

Buying a toddler an educational toy? Unnecessary. Spoiling the child. Having more than one set of good clothes for church? Paying for preschool? Replacing a child's winter coat halfway through the winter if it is outgrown? Replacing an item that a child lost -- like mittens in the middle of the winter? Giving a child money so they can have pizza in the cafeteria on Friday rather than packing a lunch? Buying a lunchbox rather than using a brown paper bag?

In every case, I was told that I was being excessive, that children were to be seen not heard, that they didn't need things. We stopped celebrating Christmas with them because they felt so strongly that anything more than one toy, underwear, one item of clothing for Christmas was excessive; anything more than oranges and walnuts in a stocking was excessive. They objected to my purchasing the summer reading paperbacks rather than borrowing them from the library, etc.

In short, for someone from an UMC background (or probably even a middle class background), this can be a jarring way to live, and it seems like an odd choice to make if you can afford more. That's all I wanted to warn the original poster about. I suspect that "UMC global elite" refers to something like a foreign service lifestyle, and most of the FSO's I know value things like theater tickets, travel, purchasing and reading books, taking music lessons, etc. so if you marry someone who questions these values, it can be hard every day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It seems some people are saying it's not a big deal. Then go on to say they have little to no contact with the working-class family...That seems to be at odds with it not being a big deal, right?

I married someone from a different "class" -- which really sounds quite gross to even say. But our issues aren't mingling family, as that's fine. It's because of different expectations and goals that aren't always in sync.

He didn't grow up traveling, doesn't think it's important. I think it's important for kids to be exposed to different cultures and have those experiences. I put a lot of value in education. He thinks more that it doesn't matter what education you have, or if you have a high GPA/good grades/excel in programs, etc., as long as you get what you want out of it, and also that college isn't important. We spend tens of thousands of dollars a year for activities for the kids, because I think it's important for them to be involved in such things. And, frankly, they love it and have made good friends from it. He doesn't think that kids should be involved in so much and if they did nothing outside of school, that would be fine. He can sometimes get uncomfortable in situations where he's surrounded by a lot of people who come from privileged lives, and he can be awkward and stiff and say things that you shouldn't say (I think it's his nerves trying to fit in.) He never really wants "more"...thinks anytime I want a new car or to move, that I'm trying to keep up with the Jones'. But, I just want a bigger yard, or a new neighborhood, or I'm just tired of my car and want a new one. It has nothing to do with anyone else.

I feel like he is constantly trying to validate that his childhood and background are just fine and good enough and people who had it "better" aren't better than him. It's almost like guilt or something that his family will think he's changed or rubbing his life here in their faces (he's from working class New England) and that if he succumbs to all these things that I grew up with or doing, he's being disloyal or something to his upbringing.

In our family, we have found ourselves using the term "goober pride" to indicate that attitude of "I grew up watching wrestling on TV and we never subscribed to a newspaper and we turned out just fine, so why do you guys all think you need to be fancy?" We encounter a lot of that in his side of the family.
But then there's also a psychological component. Sometimes when my husband tells stories about his upbringing, he describes things that sound like neglect to me -- being dropped off at college with a garbage bag full of clothes and nothing else. No lamp, no laundry basket, etc. Using your summer earnings to pay your contribution to college, and having basically nothing left to live on for the rest of the semester. Never going out on a weekend with the other students because you literally have no money for a cup of coffee, a subway sandwich, etc. Never having your parents visit you at college. Having clothing that clearly marks you as different from the other students and having no ability to fit in, etc.
Our conflict as a couple has been that my husband presents this scenario as normal -- rather than saying, "Gee, it really sucked to be so different and so poor in college and we have the ability to help our kids and that's what we're going to do." Instead, he's like "I survived going to college with no spending money, so we should do the same for our kids. It's good for them, toughens them up, etc." He also seems to have this contrarian attitude where we can afford things but he will decide not to pay for them just so that they can have the experience of doing without (i.e. I would like our son to join a fraternity, be able to join the other kids for spring break).
We have fought over every Stanley Kaplan, Kumon, summer camp, private music lesson, private swimming lesson, expenditure and honestly, if I didn't work myself and also have some family money, I'm not sure if our marriage would have survived. We basically have an uneasy truce where I pay for everything that he thinks is wasteful, stupid and expensive -- from name brand clothing, to lessons, etc.
It's not all bad. For example, thanks to him they've taken on substantive jobs in the summers after high school and college rather than attending expensive summer programs, and honestly they are probably more mature and have better leadership skills than I did at their age as a result.
CUrrently we are negotiating what, if anything, is a reasonable way to help a child who is graduating from college and getting launched in the real world. Here again I worry that he will say that he lived in an unsafe apartment in a bad section of town and had those plastic lawn chairs in his studio apartment for furniture, so that's reasonable. We will see . ..


Seriously? This is not neglect...clearly you have not worked in or been exposed to children's social services...

I wouldn't use the term neglect, but if you aren't used to it, it does come off as out of the ordinary and harsh.

It wasn't until I went to college that I fully understood some people have to pay for their own college and they also HAVE to work at the same time. It did seem cruel to me that parents weren't fully funding everything and people weren't getting monthly deposits into their bank accounts or a credit card to use as they please. Because I had never been exposed to not having money readily available whenever you wanted it. I worked in high school, but I didn't "have" to. My parents wanted me to not be spoiled and pay for my own gas and some clothes. I was in high school before I realized a mortgage and rent weren't the same thing. I thought you could use them interchangeably. College really opened up my eyes to the real world. And I'm sure I came off as rude to new people I met who weren't from the same area, and I would ask questions about things.

No offense intended (really), but it is hard to believe someone can grow up being that cluless and have no exposure at all to class or income differences. How can someone think that all families can fully and readily fund college? My children attend private schools, and having them be this clueless is a major concern for me. They volunteer at soup kitchens and other places in the community for this reason. Expecting someone to work for college tuition and expenses is not neglect. I grew up like you did but not as oblivious.

So here's the thing, I also volunteered at soup kitchens, etc. while growing up, but it always seemed so separate from my reality. So yes, I knew that there were people who didn't go to private school, but that doesn't mean that I equated homeless people for whom I made sandwiches to the people that I'd be going to college with. I know looking back now that some of the kids at my school must have been getting financial aid, but it never occurred to me while I was there. Honestly, it never occurred to me that my parents were paying a lot for me to go to school. I knew that it cost money, but not how much, and not how much versus how much another private might be. Of course, I also graduated from high school in 1997, so the internet wasn't quite what it is now - I don't even know how I would have gone about finding out what other schools' tuitions were even if I had wanted to. So my point is, I knew that there were people who had less money than my family did (including people who were homeless), but that somehow didn't make me understand that there were people who couldn't afford to pay for college. Perhaps it's because what I saw were two extremes? I think it would have been more helpful to learn that kids on a local sports team needed a scholarship in order to be able to play on there or something, I don't know. I'm just saying that you should consider that exposing your children to homeless people isn't necessarily going to help them not be oblivious. I worry about the same thing with my own kids, so I am trying to be conscious of what I need to expose them to so that they don't get to college and find out that there is a lot more to the world than what they see on a daily basis at their private school.

Giving your comments about your husband, it sounds like you are still pretty clueless. Having to handover summer earnings to parents to pay for tuition and beginning of semester needing a part-time job in order to meet expenses is a normal occurrence among most college students. It was my experience as well. My parents were both highly educated, and we led a comfortable life, but it was not possible for them to put five kids through college without some help from us. I forked over my summer earnings every August, and looked for a part-time job within the first day or two of arriving on campus. This in no way impeding my ability to get a great education, or hampered my social life. It is just life. Normal life.

Are your children aware that most of their peers at their cut expensive colleges are on financial aid? Because no matter where they are, that is highly likely. Do they know that most of the students around them will have student loans to pay off after graduation, and therefore will have to budget for discretionary expenses?

Different PP. I'm not the one who said that about my husband. I'm not actually sure you even read my post because your response has nothing to do with it, but thanks for accusing me of being clueless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It seems some people are saying it's not a big deal. Then go on to say they have little to no contact with the working-class family...That seems to be at odds with it not being a big deal, right?

I married someone from a different "class" -- which really sounds quite gross to even say. But our issues aren't mingling family, as that's fine. It's because of different expectations and goals that aren't always in sync.

He didn't grow up traveling, doesn't think it's important. I think it's important for kids to be exposed to different cultures and have those experiences. I put a lot of value in education. He thinks more that it doesn't matter what education you have, or if you have a high GPA/good grades/excel in programs, etc., as long as you get what you want out of it, and also that college isn't important. We spend tens of thousands of dollars a year for activities for the kids, because I think it's important for them to be involved in such things. And, frankly, they love it and have made good friends from it. He doesn't think that kids should be involved in so much and if they did nothing outside of school, that would be fine. He can sometimes get uncomfortable in situations where he's surrounded by a lot of people who come from privileged lives, and he can be awkward and stiff and say things that you shouldn't say (I think it's his nerves trying to fit in.) He never really wants "more"...thinks anytime I want a new car or to move, that I'm trying to keep up with the Jones'. But, I just want a bigger yard, or a new neighborhood, or I'm just tired of my car and want a new one. It has nothing to do with anyone else.

I feel like he is constantly trying to validate that his childhood and background are just fine and good enough and people who had it "better" aren't better than him. It's almost like guilt or something that his family will think he's changed or rubbing his life here in their faces (he's from working class New England) and that if he succumbs to all these things that I grew up with or doing, he's being disloyal or something to his upbringing.

In our family, we have found ourselves using the term "goober pride" to indicate that attitude of "I grew up watching wrestling on TV and we never subscribed to a newspaper and we turned out just fine, so why do you guys all think you need to be fancy?" We encounter a lot of that in his side of the family.
But then there's also a psychological component. Sometimes when my husband tells stories about his upbringing, he describes things that sound like neglect to me -- being dropped off at college with a garbage bag full of clothes and nothing else. No lamp, no laundry basket, etc. Using your summer earnings to pay your contribution to college, and having basically nothing left to live on for the rest of the semester. Never going out on a weekend with the other students because you literally have no money for a cup of coffee, a subway sandwich, etc. Never having your parents visit you at college. Having clothing that clearly marks you as different from the other students and having no ability to fit in, etc.
Our conflict as a couple has been that my husband presents this scenario as normal -- rather than saying, "Gee, it really sucked to be so different and so poor in college and we have the ability to help our kids and that's what we're going to do." Instead, he's like "I survived going to college with no spending money, so we should do the same for our kids. It's good for them, toughens them up, etc." He also seems to have this contrarian attitude where we can afford things but he will decide not to pay for them just so that they can have the experience of doing without (i.e. I would like our son to join a fraternity, be able to join the other kids for spring break).
We have fought over every Stanley Kaplan, Kumon, summer camp, private music lesson, private swimming lesson, expenditure and honestly, if I didn't work myself and also have some family money, I'm not sure if our marriage would have survived. We basically have an uneasy truce where I pay for everything that he thinks is wasteful, stupid and expensive -- from name brand clothing, to lessons, etc.
It's not all bad. For example, thanks to him they've taken on substantive jobs in the summers after high school and college rather than attending expensive summer programs, and honestly they are probably more mature and have better leadership skills than I did at their age as a result.
CUrrently we are negotiating what, if anything, is a reasonable way to help a child who is graduating from college and getting launched in the real world. Here again I worry that he will say that he lived in an unsafe apartment in a bad section of town and had those plastic lawn chairs in his studio apartment for furniture, so that's reasonable. We will see . ..


Seriously? This is not neglect...clearly you have not worked in or been exposed to children's social services...

I wouldn't use the term neglect, but if you aren't used to it, it does come off as out of the ordinary and harsh.

It wasn't until I went to college that I fully understood some people have to pay for their own college and they also HAVE to work at the same time. It did seem cruel to me that parents weren't fully funding everything and people weren't getting monthly deposits into their bank accounts or a credit card to use as they please. Because I had never been exposed to not having money readily available whenever you wanted it. I worked in high school, but I didn't "have" to. My parents wanted me to not be spoiled and pay for my own gas and some clothes. I was in high school before I realized a mortgage and rent weren't the same thing. I thought you could use them interchangeably. College really opened up my eyes to the real world. And I'm sure I came off as rude to new people I met who weren't from the same area, and I would ask questions about things.

No offense intended (really), but it is hard to believe someone can grow up being that cluless and have no exposure at all to class or income differences. How can someone think that all families can fully and readily fund college? My children attend private schools, and having them be this clueless is a major concern for me. They volunteer at soup kitchens and other places in the community for this reason. Expecting someone to work for college tuition and expenses is not neglect. I grew up like you did but not as oblivious.

So here's the thing, I also volunteered at soup kitchens, etc. while growing up, but it always seemed so separate from my reality. So yes, I knew that there were people who didn't go to private school, but that doesn't mean that I equated homeless people for whom I made sandwiches to the people that I'd be going to college with. I know looking back now that some of the kids at my school must have been getting financial aid, but it never occurred to me while I was there. Honestly, it never occurred to me that my parents were paying a lot for me to go to school. I knew that it cost money, but not how much, and not how much versus how much another private might be. Of course, I also graduated from high school in 1997, so the internet wasn't quite what it is now - I don't even know how I would have gone about finding out what other schools' tuitions were even if I had wanted to. So my point is, I knew that there were people who had less money than my family did (including people who were homeless), but that somehow didn't make me understand that there were people who couldn't afford to pay for college. Perhaps it's because what I saw were two extremes? I think it would have been more helpful to learn that kids on a local sports team needed a scholarship in order to be able to play on there or something, I don't know. I'm just saying that you should consider that exposing your children to homeless people isn't necessarily going to help them not be oblivious. I worry about the same thing with my own kids, so I am trying to be conscious of what I need to expose them to so that they don't get to college and find out that there is a lot more to the world than what they see on a daily basis at their private school.

Your husband is better equipped to expose your children to these things.

Not the same PP. But yes, I'll just let my husband raise my children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm the one who used the term neglect, and to redirect the conversation back to the lady who asked about conflict in cross-class marriages, my point was that I received an awful lot of grief from my husband and his extended family for wanting to do things that I regarded as normal parenting and they regarded as spoiling the children.

Buying a toddler an educational toy? Unnecessary. Spoiling the child. Having more than one set of good clothes for church? Paying for preschool? Replacing a child's winter coat halfway through the winter if it is outgrown? Replacing an item that a child lost -- like mittens in the middle of the winter? Giving a child money so they can have pizza in the cafeteria on Friday rather than packing a lunch? Buying a lunchbox rather than using a brown paper bag?

In every case, I was told that I was being excessive, that children were to be seen not heard, that they didn't need things. We stopped celebrating Christmas with them because they felt so strongly that anything more than one toy, underwear, one item of clothing for Christmas was excessive; anything more than oranges and walnuts in a stocking was excessive. They objected to my purchasing the summer reading paperbacks rather than borrowing them from the library, etc.

In short, for someone from an UMC background (or probably even a middle class background), this can be a jarring way to live, and it seems like an odd choice to make if you can afford more. That's all I wanted to warn the original poster about. I suspect that "UMC global elite" refers to something like a foreign service lifestyle, and most of the FSO's I know value things like theater tickets, travel, purchasing and reading books, taking music lessons, etc. so if you marry someone who questions these values, it can be hard every day.

Your in-laws are taking thrift to the extreme. I grew up in a working class family, and I had a lunchbox, stylish clothes that fit (not necessarily name brand), and a church wardrobe.

However, it is still very out of touch to be unaware that there are plenty of broke college students who can't afford to wear the most fashionable clothing, or to buy lattes at Starbucks with friends, who have to work to help pay their own tuition, who can't furnish their dorm room with new Target trinkets, etc.

[Anonymous]

My mother grew up in a wealthy family in Greenwich Ct. Big home, chauffeur etc. My Dad grew up in a middle class home in NYC. She definitely married down but ultimately after many years achieved an upper middle class life. She produced a small army of children and I never heard her complain about her life or that she missed her old life. She adored my dad (and vice versa) adored her children (and vice versa) and lived a very happy life until she died at 90. Her brother married a wealthy girl, inherited the family business, lived extravagantly, became an alcoholic, drove the business into the ground, got divorced and ended up alone in a small apartment dying at around age 65.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm the one who used the term neglect, and to redirect the conversation back to the lady who asked about conflict in cross-class marriages, my point was that I received an awful lot of grief from my husband and his extended family for wanting to do things that I regarded as normal parenting and they regarded as spoiling the children.

Buying a toddler an educational toy? Unnecessary. Spoiling the child. Having more than one set of good clothes for church? Paying for preschool? Replacing a child's winter coat halfway through the winter if it is outgrown? Replacing an item that a child lost -- like mittens in the middle of the winter? Giving a child money so they can have pizza in the cafeteria on Friday rather than packing a lunch? Buying a lunchbox rather than using a brown paper bag?

In every case, I was told that I was being excessive, that children were to be seen not heard, that they didn't need things. We stopped celebrating Christmas with them because they felt so strongly that anything more than one toy, underwear, one item of clothing for Christmas was excessive; anything more than oranges and walnuts in a stocking was excessive. They objected to my purchasing the summer reading paperbacks rather than borrowing them from the library, etc.

In short, for someone from an UMC background (or probably even a middle class background), this can be a jarring way to live, and it seems like an odd choice to make if you can afford more. That's all I wanted to warn the original poster about. I suspect that "UMC global elite" refers to something like a foreign service lifestyle, and most of the FSO's I know value things like theater tickets, travel, purchasing and reading books, taking music lessons, etc. so if you marry someone who questions these values, it can be hard every day.

How do your in laws have this level of information about your household, like when you replace a winter coat?

Is your husband not on board, so he tells them these things? Do they live local and are always at your house?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I grew up UMC and my husband's family was solidly MC. I lived in LA and knew celebrities and rode horses with famous people and had friends who had private jets, etc. My family wasn't nearly as rich as many of my friends, but we certainly didn't live badly. Sometimes I will say something, like relating a story, and it happened to have taken place in another country, or the person involved was someone whose name you would recognize, and my in-laws make fun of me. I have learned to bite my tongue a bit, because what I perceived as a normal comment can come across as being elitist, even if I didn't mean it that way. Over time they've learned who I am, and that I'm not defined by my past, and now we can joke about those things, but there was definitely a period during which I had to realize that some things that I would say to my friends could come across differently to people who didn't understand the world in which I grew up. My husband's lifestyle goals are more like mine than the rest of his family, and we are now UMC (no money from my family, we just work really hard), so for us it isn't an issue, but for my in-laws it sometimes is.

It seems that your parents did a bad job exposing you non-super rich people when you were younger. What adult casually lets slip a comment about their private jet trips to europe? No one under the 1% wants to hear those braggy stories about a random celebrity you were partying with in europe. This isn't about your inlaws being poor. This is about your lack of common sense about how to talk to anyone outside your own bubble.

PP here. I think I did a terrible job of describing things. I have never partied with a celebrity in Europe (nor have I ever taken a private jet to Europe - the only trips I ever got to take with my friends who had them were to places like Palm Springs - so short flights). Here's an example of something I've said - my mother-in-law was talking about how the jellyfish were really bad last year at the Outer Banks and she was in the water and looked around and saw them everywhere. I mentioned that the same thing had happened to me when I was snorkeling off the coast of Greece and it totally freaked me out. I honestly mentioned Greece as a fact in the story - not because I was trying to brag about having been in Greece. I have a touch of social awkwardness, so I often say the wrong thing, and this is just an example of me doing that. My parents did expose me to non-super rich people, but the people I spent most of my life with were still very rich, so that was the majority of my interactions. And my in-laws aren't poor by any definition, I said they are solidly middle class. Anyway, it's fine if you don't want to like me or take issue with how my parents raised me.

I don't see mentioning your trip to Greece as braggadocious or inappropriate, and I grew up working class.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It seems some people are saying it's not a big deal. Then go on to say they have little to no contact with the working-class family...That seems to be at odds with it not being a big deal, right?

I married someone from a different "class" -- which really sounds quite gross to even say. But our issues aren't mingling family, as that's fine. It's because of different expectations and goals that aren't always in sync.

He didn't grow up traveling, doesn't think it's important. I think it's important for kids to be exposed to different cultures and have those experiences. I put a lot of value in education. He thinks more that it doesn't matter what education you have, or if you have a high GPA/good grades/excel in programs, etc., as long as you get what you want out of it, and also that college isn't important. We spend tens of thousands of dollars a year for activities for the kids, because I think it's important for them to be involved in such things. And, frankly, they love it and have made good friends from it. He doesn't think that kids should be involved in so much and if they did nothing outside of school, that would be fine. He can sometimes get uncomfortable in situations where he's surrounded by a lot of people who come from privileged lives, and he can be awkward and stiff and say things that you shouldn't say (I think it's his nerves trying to fit in.) He never really wants "more"...thinks anytime I want a new car or to move, that I'm trying to keep up with the Jones'. But, I just want a bigger yard, or a new neighborhood, or I'm just tired of my car and want a new one. It has nothing to do with anyone else.

I feel like he is constantly trying to validate that his childhood and background are just fine and good enough and people who had it "better" aren't better than him. It's almost like guilt or something that his family will think he's changed or rubbing his life here in their faces (he's from working class New England) and that if he succumbs to all these things that I grew up with or doing, he's being disloyal or something to his upbringing.

You are me. Education is considered no big deal and people who value it "think they are better". Who needs travel except for Disneyworld and Las Vegas? Kids activities? We didn't have any of those. Also there is this whole thing about discipline and obedience from children and how you are supposed to stay glued to your family instead of letting kids explore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People can come from different backgrounds and have very happy marriages. People can come from very similar backgrounds and have very different values and ideas about how money is spent and what's important in life.

But the most important thing I have to ask you, OP, is what is on top of the "U" in your "UMC"? Is this a fancy person thing?

Maybe it's an umlaut, so she is Upper Metal Class.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Based on the OP's first post, she, and her family, are probably self-congratulatory snoots. Your new inlaws are going to hate you and your family for that reason alone.

That said, marrying into different classes doesn't matter at all. As long as neither one of you (or your families) are douchebags about it.

I grew up UMC or probably even "low rich" and married a first-person-to-go-to-college-in-his-family poor DH. Like, bartering for food, no money for xmas gifts poor. Our marriage, 20 years later, is still fantastic. He was very driven when I met him, which was important to me. And we're now pretty rich ourselves. Our contact with his family is limited to a half day at thanksgiving, and we're okay with that because we don't have much in common with most of them. For years, I thought the problem was with my DH and encouraged him to make more effort with his family. But over time, I saw that they were f-ups and not particularly kind or interested in us. My DH is super tight with my family, who are not stuck up at all.

x10000

It is difficult to have relationships with the ILs, if the ILs basically have their hands out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Anyone here with experience marrying into a family from a different class?

I grew up ÛMC/global elite and am marrying a first generation college graduate from a LMC/blue collar family.

What should I know?

My in-laws are poor white trash. Seriously, I can't stand going to their house it reeks, it's small and I don't think the walls have been painted in over 30 years. Not only are they cat people (because of course they are) but there are some serious hording issues going on too. I get anxiety just thinking about having to stay in that house when we visit. Closest hotel is over an hour away so that's out of the question.

It took some adjusting to get used to their shitty home cooking, lame vacations and holiday celebrations but at the end of the day I only have to deal with them 3-4 weeks out of the year.

They are good people and mean well, but it's a bit awkward as I really didn't spend a lot of time around poor people growing up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Anyone here with experience marrying into a family from a different class?

I grew up ÛMC/global elite and am marrying a first generation college graduate from a LMC/blue collar family.

What should I know?

My in-laws are poor white trash. Seriously, I can't stand going to their house it reeks, it's small and I don't think the walls have been painted in over 30 years. Not only are they cat people (because of course they are) but there are some serious hording issues going on too. I get anxiety just thinking about having to stay in that house when we visit. Closest hotel is over an hour away so that's out of the question.

It took some adjusting to get used to their shitty home cooking, lame vacations and holiday celebrations but at the end of the day I only have to deal with them 3-4 weeks out of the year.

They are good people and mean well, but it's a bit awkward as I really didn't spend a lot of time around poor people growing up.

Please expand upon the portions in bold, if you don't mind. Genuinely curious.