Need help explaining my sister-in-law's imminent death to my 12-year-old son

[Anonymous]

Whatever is in his head is worse than what you will say.

Then give him a chance to be helpful to her family. Being helpful makes a person feel included. Kids cope better with this sad news when they are part of what must be done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here....this is already helpful!
I guess I worry that he will be terrified....lord knows I am! And if he doesn't ask - I shouldn't tell him. I am ok with preparing him for how she looks. And for the sadness. But I also don't want to traumatize him.....maybe I tell him when we leave to come back home? That she might not live much longer?

This is a lot to process - for me even.....and I worry that he will be terrified of her if I just come right out and say that she doesn't have much longer to live.

Cancer sucks so bad......sorry for anyone reading this that has gone through or is going through it.
Very rough stuff!

I'm sorry for your loss.

Definitely tell him. And now. He deserves a chance to be kind. I would sit him down after homework is done and simply say something like this.

I want to talk to you about Ann. As you know she is sick and we've been sad. Here are the details. Ann isn't going to get better, and probably won't live more than a month or two. What she has is called metastatic breast cancer. When you see her, you will probably be surprised at how she looks - that's because her treatment was very hard on her and the cancer is in her whole body. We will visit and talk and show her we love her.

Give a chance for questions, and be sure to include something about this not being contagious. Kids worry about that.

[Anonymous]

My sister passed away from cancer 18 months ago. I have a 10, 8 and 4 year old and my sisters kids were 5 (twins) at the time. When hospice came in I told me 9 year old she was going to die soon. He was beyond shocked. Despite the fact our world had been turned upside down and our lives revolved around her disease (at this point the twins were living with us and my BIL and sister were away trying a last hope treatment plan) he really didn't realize cancer meant death in this instance. There was so much "fight girl" "were gonna beat this" "cancer won't get us down" that I think he really bought into that culture and theme (which we all did to an extent) that he really wasn't prepared. Im really thankful I had that talk with him. About 10 days later I had a similar talk with all the kids. It was the hardest thing Ive ever done but I am so glad I did it because all 5 of them really had no idea previous to me talking to them. I was just very blunt. "Auntie is going to die. I am going to make sure you are ok. "Mommy is going to die. I am going to make sure you are ok." There aren't a lot of opportunities for words because the sobs take over so just be present. Im praying for you.

[Anonymous]

You've already messed up by not telling him the truth. Don't make it worse by continuing to hide it. This is his aunt, he has as much right to know what's going on as anyone else. Teenagers don't generally take well to being treated like they can't handle the truth.

[Anonymous]

I haven't read all the responses but feel pretty confident about how to handle this as we've just been through this and I have a child the same age. We also consulted with both hospice, a social worker who works with cancer stricken families and also with a counsellor. The consensus essentially is this:

-You know that Aunt Sally has been sick. She has cancer. She has the best doctors possible and they have done all they can to help her. Unfortunately, there is no cure for her right now. They have tried different treatments and nothing is working. The doctors will do all they can to make her comfortable. I promise I will be honest with you about what I know so if you have any questions, please ask me. You can also ask Aunt Sally about anything you want to ask her.

-I also discussed how I may cry or the kids may cry or not, but it is all okay to feel lots of different feelings.

You should explain her appearance before he sees her (the medicine she's been on makes her lose her hair, makes her weak, makes her not hungry and makes her feel nauseous, etc.) You should also tell him that most kinds of cancer can't be caught from another person and that Aunt Sally is not contagious so it is perfectly fine to touch her if he wants to. He may not want to though. One of my kids asked how the cancer started and I just said that sometimes our bodies make good cells and bad cells and most times the good cells can fight off the bad cells, like a cold or the flu, but sometimes the bad cells keep multiplying and multiplying and we can't stop them from doing that.

Good luck...so sorry. Awful...

[Anonymous]

We just went through this with my 12 year old and my grandmother. She was too young, vibrant, and it was a sudden decline. I kept him in the loop from day 1. Her diagnosis, updates from doctors, what each scan revealed, down to when she started sleeping most of the day and her respirations started to pause for longer stretches. He's very sensitive and loved her deeply, and it was a horrible process for all of us, but keeping him in the loop all along allowed him to process with the rest of us.

Best of luck to you all. It's so hard, but if you can do this right, he will learn how to process death in a healthy way.

[Anonymous]

Please don't wait to when you come home to tell him that she is dying. Please be upfront with him now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: My sister-in-law was diagnosed about six months ago with metastatic breast cancer. My son knows that she's been sick, he probably knows it is serious. I cry a lot and there are a lot of serious discussions around the house. But I've never come out and told him that she's going to die soon. When he asks me how she's doing I say to him that she's very very sick but it's never gone further than that He recently asked if we could go visit her and we are going this weekend. I don't know what to say to prepare him She will look different because she has fluid in her abdomen and of course she is bald from the chemo. All treatment have stopped and she will likely not live more than a month or two more.

Thanks for any advice!

Hi OP, I am the Hospice minister who tries to post when I see threads like this. I disagree with the PPs. You haven't "messed up" and it's cruel to suggest that you have. It's natural that you want to protect your son. But, it is time to be honest with him.

The best way to discuss death with teens is to be open and honest. Death is hard for most adults to discuss. Kids are often much more willing to talk about it. Something like - "Sweetie, you know that Aunt ____ has been very sick. The doctors and nurses have worked very hard to stop the cancer. We can beat many types of cancer with strong medications. But we can't beat all cancer. None of the things the doctors have tried are working on Aunt ______'s cancer. She has talked with her doctors and everyone agrees that it's time to stop the treatments. They are no longer working and they are making her feel really sick. The doctors are going to start Aunt ____ on some medication to help keep her comfortable. They are going to focus on keeping her pain away. She is probably going to die very soon. The doctors think she has about two months to live, but they are only guessing. No one really knows exactly how long she will live. I'm glad you want to visit Aunt _____. She will really love seeing you. I just want you to know that she looks very different from the last time you saw her. Some of the medications have made her hair fall out. And her tummy looks very swollen. Some of the medicine she is taking makes her feel very sleepy. She has a hospital bed in her house now, and a nurse might be there when we visit. I don't want you to feel afraid or nervous about seeing her. But I want you to know what to expect. Please ask me anything at all. I will try to answer anything you ask.

...and then listen. Really listen. He will be really sad that his mom is sad. He will be really sad that his Aunt is dying. But he will also likely start to think more about death in general. Often with teens, that translates into thinking about your death. Be available to address those concerns when they come up. That's one reason it's so important to mention that not all people who get cancer die.

I'm really sorry your sister is so sick. I will be holding you and your family in love, light, and prayer. You are walking down such a painful path. Remember to be gentle with yourself. Reach out for help when you need it. A grief support group can help more than most people realize.

[Anonymous]

^^^^

Everything the hospice minister said. I would like to add that it is okay to cry and have your child comfort you. They need to learn how to do that. I don't mean be your support system, I mean cry and put their hand on your back or hug you.

Also you should stress that cancer does not mean death and that many people (most) get cancer and live. You don't want him to think cancer always means death.

Life is best lived when we understand how to face the worst and still thrive. Your child needs to see a hard time handle by your family and in a few years, you will still be thriving. He needs to learn care and compassion. So if there are cousins he may see times that that are not at their best and that is okay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here....this is already helpful!
I guess I worry that he will be terrified....lord knows I am! And if he doesn't ask - I shouldn't tell him. I am ok with preparing him for how she looks. And for the sadness. But I also don't want to traumatize him.....maybe I tell him when we leave to come back home? That she might not live much longer?

This is a lot to process - for me even.....and I worry that he will be terrified of her if I just come right out and say that she doesn't have much longer to live.

Cancer sucks so bad......sorry for anyone reading this that has gone through or is going through it.
Very rough stuff!

You're projecting a little here. You should focus on your son for a ehile and be less terrified yourself.
And please focus on SIL and be friendly and calm. How you act during times like this says a lot.
Please dont be so 'terrfied and sad' that you dont spend time and act supportive.
I just took my friend with metastatic BC out bowling for gosh sakes. That was a mistake she realized (too weak) but then she enjoyed the company and we are doing something more calm things now. Are you sure she's dying soon? Treatments can keep you around a while these days.

Teach your son that its not about him, it's about her and providing some support and happy times to her and he will do better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here....this is already helpful!
I guess I worry that he will be terrified....lord knows I am! And if he doesn't ask - I shouldn't tell him. I am ok with preparing him for how she looks. And for the sadness. But I also don't want to traumatize him.....maybe I tell him when we leave to come back home? That she might not live much longer?

This is a lot to process - for me even.....and I worry that he will be terrified of her if I just come right out and say that she doesn't have much longer to live.

Cancer sucks so bad......sorry for anyone reading this that has gone through or is going through it.
Very rough stuff!

OP, tell him that she is dying. This is honest and real. You will not traumatize him. Yes, he might be scared. That's okay. He can feel whatever he needs to feel. What's important is that you are there to help him through it. This is our job as parents: teaching our children that awful things are going to happen in life and that it's important to be honest with how we're feeling. You can help him manage those feelings in a healthy way. He may feel scaredto see her, but you can help him through it by letting him know you're right there.

+1.

My grandfather died when I was 12. My mom was very upfront about how when we went to see him in the hospital it might be the last time we saw him. I still remember it. I was nervous and unsure and felt awkward. I am also really glad I got to see him before he passed away soon after. Help guide him through it. Our job as parents is to not HIDE the awful parts of life from our kids, but to help guide them through it.

I am so sorry about your sister in law.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And by all leans ask her what she would like him to know. When my aunt was dying she wanted my children to visit on one of her good days to "make a memory." (They were well prepared of her physical look as she sent a photo and they knew she was fighting and fighting but her disease was slowly taking her) We decorated cupcakes together which kept the mood light and told story after story. SHe told them many things about when I was small and what she remembered from their births and visits to her. It's been 3 years and they still speak so fondly of that day. She passed about a month later.

This is beautiful. Thank you for sharing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And by all leans ask her what she would like him to know. When my aunt was dying she wanted my children to visit on one of her good days to "make a memory." (They were well prepared of her physical look as she sent a photo and they knew she was fighting and fighting but her disease was slowly taking her) We decorated cupcakes together which kept the mood light and told story after story. SHe told them many things about when I was small and what she remembered from their births and visits to her. It's been 3 years and they still speak so fondly of that day. She passed about a month later.

This is beautiful. Thank you for sharing.

+1

[Anonymous]

I assume you will check with SIL before going over. Just to make sure she is okay with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here....this is already helpful!
I guess I worry that he will be terrified....lord knows I am! And if he doesn't ask - I shouldn't tell him. I am ok with preparing him for how she looks. And for the sadness. But I also don't want to traumatize him.....maybe I tell him when we leave to come back home? That she might not live much longer?

This is a lot to process - for me even.....and I worry that he will be terrified of her if I just come right out and say that she doesn't have much longer to live.

Cancer sucks so bad......sorry for anyone reading this that has gone through or is going through it.
Very rough stuff!

OP, tell him that she is dying. This is honest and real. You will not traumatize him. Yes, he might be scared. That's okay. He can feel whatever he needs to feel. What's important is that you are there to help him through it. This is our job as parents: teaching our children that awful things are going to happen in life and that it's important to be honest with how we're feeling. You can help him manage those feelings in a healthy way. He may feel scaredto see her, but you can help him through it by letting him know you're right there.

+1