Need help explaining my sister-in-law's imminent death to my 12-year-old son
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Anonymous
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My sister-in-law was diagnosed about six months ago with metastatic breast cancer. My son knows that she's been sick, he probably knows it is serious. I cry a lot and there are a lot of serious discussions around the house. But I've never come out and told him that she's going to die soon. When he asks me how she's doing I say to him that she's very very sick but it's never gone further than that He recently asked if we could go visit her and we are going this weekend. I don't know what to say to prepare him She will look different because she has fluid in her abdomen and of course she is bald from the chemo. All treatment have stopped and she will likely not live more than a month or two more.
Thanks for any advice! |
Anonymous
| How old is your son? |
Anonymous
| My son is 12. Very sensitive. Very smart and intuitive. |
Anonymous
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Just be honest. Tell him what you've shared here: that she will look different because of the cancer and the treatments she's undergone. Tell him that she is not expected to live more than a few months. Tell him that your heart is breaking because of how much you love her and will miss her. Tell him that it's okay for him to be sad, even in front of his aunt. Ask him what questions he might have. Tell him that it's okay to ask you whatever is on his mind and that you will do your best to answer them.
If you have any pictures of SIL with your family, bring them this weekend. I'm so sorry your family is going through this. |
Anonymous
| Yes, I think you need to prepare him. You can tell him that she's very sick and that she has has cancer and it's a form of cancer that has a low survival rate. |
Anonymous
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OP here....this is already helpful!
I guess I worry that he will be terrified....lord knows I am! And if he doesn't ask - I shouldn't tell him. I am ok with preparing him for how she looks. And for the sadness. But I also don't want to traumatize him.....maybe I tell him when we leave to come back home? That she might not live much longer? This is a lot to process - for me even.....and I worry that he will be terrified of her if I just come right out and say that she doesn't have much longer to live. Cancer sucks so bad......sorry for anyone reading this that has gone through or is going through it. Very rough stuff! |
Anonymous
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Here are some book suggestions from the Guardian web site.
I would add two: "Where the Red Fern Grows," by Wilson Rawls and "The Tenth Good Thing About Barney" by Judith Viorst. https://www.theguardian.com/childrens-books-site/2015/feb/05/top-10-childrens-books-on-death-bereavement-holly-webb |
Anonymous
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Tell him "Aunt Nancy might look very different than the last time you saw her. She may be bald from her chemo, and sometimes people with cancer take medicine that makes them fat or skinny. If you have to cry, just turn around and walk right out. She needs our love and strength right now, not our pity and tears. We can cry all the way home if we need to."
That's basically what my mom told me when we went to visit her old best friend dying of diabetes, and when we visited my great-grandma when she was dying. You don't have to tell him "She's dying." if you can't say that out loud. You can say "I don't think she's going to recover from this" and answer "yes" if he flat out asks if she's going to die. Also, give him things he can tell/ask her. People often don't know what to say to someone very sick. |
Anonymous
| I do have one regret from when my grandmother was dying in the hospital and I was 11. They never told me she was dying, just that she was very sick (and she had been very sick for a long time). When the adults kind of took over the visiting in the hospital room I distracted myself and then we left pretty quickly... and I regret to this day not saying goodby to her. |
Anonymous
OP, tell him that she is dying. This is honest and real. You will not traumatize him. Yes, he might be scared. That's okay. He can feel whatever he needs to feel. What's important is that you are there to help him through it. This is our job as parents: teaching our children that awful things are going to happen in life and that it's important to be honest with how we're feeling. You can help him manage those feelings in a healthy way. He may feel scaredto see her, but you can help him through it by letting him know you're right there. |
Anonymous
| I agree, you should tell him that she is going to die (or not expected to live much longer, or however you want to put it). Since she is going to die it will be better if he's prepared for that. He's old enough to understand. Everyone will have to deal with tragedy and loss in their lives, even sensitive people. It's better to teach him to face that reality and feel those feelings rather than trying to shelter him from upsetting things. |
Anonymous
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op--I am so sorry. Cancer sucks so much. I learned even more than I thought once I saw it up close and personal with a family member.
I have an 11.5 year old son who is incredibly sensitive as well. I know that it scared him more when we tried to be vague or sugar-coat it. He also wanted to be present. In fact, he was upset he wasn't included on a hospital visit a few years back when we were dealing with it. I've since learned they are more resilient than we sometimes give them credit for. They definitely pick up on hushed conversations, etc. Kids seem to deal best with facts and reassurance. You've gotten a lot of good advice. It's so hard. I wish all the best. |
Anonymous
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I had an aunt die from cancer last year, and my take is that you need to tell him. You should have already told him. My aunt died very fast - 4 weeks after the cancer was found, there was no pathology report until 2 weeks after she died - and it was extremely traumatic for my son.
I didn't know how sick she was (because we were waiting be on the diagnosis!) so I hadn't told my son she was sick at all, and then I got a call that if I wanted to see her I had to drive down that day. We still didn't think she was that close to death, so we drive down and I told my son we would be seeing her, but that she was very very sick. She died while we were at the hospital. My son was shocked, and he cried for 6 hours after we got home. It was absolutely TERRIBLE. Tell him before you go. Maybe after school Friday so that he has a little time to process it before seeing her, and also doesn't have to go to school the next day. |
Anonymous
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OP I agree that you should have already told him. It's not too late to tell him before you visit, and I hope you will.
My experience is with younger children, so take it for what it's worth. Confusion and distress comes from two assumptions being shattered: first, people who die are very old - grandparents or great-grandparents for example - people who have lived a long and happy life. Second, doctors cure people - they are smart and caring, and always able to use medicine and surgery to make people better. Your sister-in-law's experience flies in the face of both. You don't need to go into the details of cancer treatment unless it would interest your son, but you can talk very briefly about what the doctors tried, how both the cancer and the treatment is affecting the way she looks, why the doctors decided to end treatment, and what palliative care means. |
Anonymous
| And by all leans ask her what she would like him to know. When my aunt was dying she wanted my children to visit on one of her good days to "make a memory." (They were well prepared of her physical look as she sent a photo and they knew she was fighting and fighting but her disease was slowly taking her) We decorated cupcakes together which kept the mood light and told story after story. SHe told them many things about when I was small and what she remembered from their births and visits to her. It's been 3 years and they still speak so fondly of that day. She passed about a month later. |