Need help explaining my sister-in-law's imminent death to my 12-year-old son

[Anonymous]

I recently had a relative die. We held a vigil around his bed (he died in his bed in his house). We laughed, ate and mostly told stories. It provided the closure I needed and wanted. I had a lot of cousins and even a sibling who couldn't do this. They didn't want to see this man frail or sick, but I wanted to be there until the end. We all wrote our favorite story of him and collected them into a small book.

My grandpa died when I was 12 and no one really asked me about it. I remember no one shared the good stories with me or asked me to say goodbye and I wanted to.

[Anonymous]

It is a tragedy that she got sick so young, and it is also a rare blessing to get to cradle a loved one in love as they leave this life. Your son has a chance to purposefully show her love. He is old enough that to be of service to her and her family. Think of something she loves...a baked treat? A favorite thing? And see if he can make or bring her something. Maybe he'll want to write her a letter or pick some favorite photos of memories they've shared and things they've done together.

Coach him through this. Death is natural and part of life. Maybe you need a counselor to help you through your own grief so you can help your son?

Also, please try not to worry about whether either of you cry. Grief is a way of expressing love. Please let your son know that it is okay if his love and sadness look like crying. Try not to make him afraid of tears.

[Anonymous]

No good advice, just wanted to send hugs.

[Anonymous]

This may be one of the most thoughtful and poignant threads I have ever read on DCUM. My kids have been exposed to sickness and death since they were toddlers. Some of my friends thought it a bit much, yet our DCs learn to grieve by observing us. OP, all best to you and your family. Here's also to all of the PPs who posted on their own losses as well as guiding their children through death. May their memories be a blessing.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry, OP. There's lots of good advice on this thread. One other thing - does your son like to write and/or draw? Maybe he'd like to make a card or write a letter to his aunt? My kids did that for my dad when he was in hospice and he kept those next to him on the bedside table. My 14-year-old son wrote an especially moving letter to my dad, starting off with "Dear Grandpa, this is why I love you..." Just a thought.

[Anonymous]

Big hugs, OP.
Grief is for everyone, even our kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: My sister-in-law was diagnosed about six months ago with metastatic breast cancer. My son knows that she's been sick, he probably knows it is serious. I cry a lot and there are a lot of serious discussions around the house. But I've never come out and told him that she's going to die soon. When he asks me how she's doing I say to him that she's very very sick but it's never gone further than that He recently asked if we could go visit her and we are going this weekend. I don't know what to say to prepare him She will look different because she has fluid in her abdomen and of course she is bald from the chemo. All treatment have stopped and she will likely not live more than a month or two more.

Thanks for any advice!

Hi OP, I am the Hospice minister who tries to post when I see threads like this. I disagree with the PPs. You haven't "messed up" and it's cruel to suggest that you have. It's natural that you want to protect your son. But, it is time to be honest with him.

The best way to discuss death with teens is to be open and honest. Death is hard for most adults to discuss. Kids are often much more willing to talk about it. Something like - "Sweetie, you know that Aunt ____ has been very sick. The doctors and nurses have worked very hard to stop the cancer. We can beat many types of cancer with strong medications. But we can't beat all cancer. None of the things the doctors have tried are working on Aunt ______'s cancer. She has talked with her doctors and everyone agrees that it's time to stop the treatments. They are no longer working and they are making her feel really sick. The doctors are going to start Aunt ____ on some medication to help keep her comfortable. They are going to focus on keeping her pain away. She is probably going to die very soon. The doctors think she has about two months to live, but they are only guessing. No one really knows exactly how long she will live. I'm glad you want to visit Aunt _____. She will really love seeing you. I just want you to know that she looks very different from the last time you saw her. Some of the medications have made her hair fall out. And her tummy looks very swollen. Some of the medicine she is taking makes her feel very sleepy. She has a hospital bed in her house now, and a nurse might be there when we visit. I don't want you to feel afraid or nervous about seeing her. But I want you to know what to expect. Please ask me anything at all. I will try to answer anything you ask.

...and then listen. Really listen. He will be really sad that his mom is sad. He will be really sad that his Aunt is dying. But he will also likely start to think more about death in general. Often with teens, that translates into thinking about your death. Be available to address those concerns when they come up. That's one reason it's so important to mention that not all people who get cancer die.

I'm really sorry your sister is so sick. I will be holding you and your family in love, light, and prayer. You are walking down such a painful path. Remember to be gentle with yourself. Reach out for help when you need it. A grief support group can help more than most people realize.

Lots of good advice here, but I second the point about being prepared to address your child's concerns about the possibility that you will die. One tip -- DS kept bringing it up and I tried my best to be reassuring, but he was still concerned. I finally figured out that he was worried about who would take care of him. I told him we had a will that designated a family member as guardian, and he would go live with them (happens to be someone who has a kid his age that he loves dearly), and he was like "cool!" And he never brought it up again. I realized that there was no way he could have known how such things are handled.

[Anonymous]

So sorry you are facing this op.

[Anonymous]

This is a thread to bookmark. Such poignant and wise advice.
Sending love to you, OP.

[Anonymous]

OP so much great advice here. Just want to add don't use the word dying until the end. (Hospice). People definitely die on their own time table and to a kid when you use that word it seems imminent, like in a week. Best to use other words. So very sorry you are going through this.

[Anonymous]

I have Stage 4 COPD. My youngest son is 11. He is completely aware of my disease and of its prognosis. I was 11 when my dad committed suicide. Death is inevitable. My brother died suddenly when my oldest daughter was 2. Somehow, she just knew, and no one had to tell her. I called from the hospital to tell my husband, and after he got off the phone, she said "Shawn died." He hadn't said anything out loud about it during the conversation. She just knew, and at age 2 was aware of what that meant. My three boys were with me at the hospital, and they were not shielded from it. How could they be? It was sudden, tragic, and reality. Some people die younger than others. Sometimes babies die. Three of my nephews died of SIDS, my sister's baby and my sister-in-law's twins. My kids were told exactly what happened. It's life, and they can't grow up sheltered and coddled and unable to face loss. .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP so much great advice here. Just want to add don't use the word dying until the end. (Hospice). People definitely die on their own time table and to a kid when you use that word it seems imminent, like in a week. Best to use other words. So very sorry you are going through this.

I'm the Hospice minister quoted earlier. It's a hard word for many people to say and to hear. It triggers so many emotions in all of us. But the OP's sister is entering Hospice. The prognosis is "a couple of months". In the Hospice world, we know that could mean tomorrow or several months from now. However, we also know that death is likely sooner rather than later. A 12 year old needs to be told the truth at this point. The OP needs to use the word "dying". Her son needs to feel ok using the words death and dying. Its really hard stuff, but it's important.