What to do about my rude teen?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1. Senioritis seems to have arrived.
2. When people are about to separate from others, they tend to push them away so they won't miss them. Sounds like he's preparing to leave home (for college?).
3. I rarely just give "no." So in your case, I'd have said, "No, but the Tylenol is in the spice rack if you want to take some now and bring some to school with you."
4. In a calm moment, talk to him about his behavior. "Lately you've been very snappish towards me and your disrespectfulness won't be tolerated. Is something going on that's bothering you?" Even big kids sometimes act out like little kids.
5. I do not repeat myself. I've been known to reply "Asked and answered" when I'm asked a second or third time about something I've already replied to. Think of what happened to you: he asked five or six times, you said no five or six times. He heard no five or six times. Thus, he felt like you always say no to everything. If they genuinely did not hear you, go ahead and repeat your answer. If they're asking because they're hoping for a different answer you can say "My answer hasn't changed."

Holy passive aggressive!

I'm not sure you know what 'passive aggressive' means.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1. Senioritis seems to have arrived.
2. When people are about to separate from others, they tend to push them away so they won't miss them. Sounds like he's preparing to leave home (for college?).
3. I rarely just give "no." So in your case, I'd have said, "No, but the Tylenol is in the spice rack if you want to take some now and bring some to school with you."
4. In a calm moment, talk to him about his behavior. "Lately you've been very snappish towards me and your disrespectfulness won't be tolerated. Is something going on that's bothering you?" Even big kids sometimes act out like little kids.
5. I do not repeat myself. I've been known to reply "Asked and answered" when I'm asked a second or third time about something I've already replied to. Think of what happened to you: he asked five or six times, you said no five or six times. He heard no five or six times. Thus, he felt like you always say no to everything. If they genuinely did not hear you, go ahead and repeat your answer. If they're asking because they're hoping for a different answer you can say "My answer hasn't changed."

Holy passive aggressive!

New poster. How does the quote you highlighted seem passive aggressive? To me it seems pretty direct. Passive aggressive would be if the kid came down the next day and said "good morning" and then the op said "Oh, so you can be pleasant to me! Wow what a treat." Or something like that

[Anonymous]

If my son said he had a headache and wanted to stay home, I would definitely not dismiss his request.

I would say, "I'm sorry you have a head ache. Can I get you a tylenol and a glass of water? Let's see if the tylenol does the trick and if your head still hurts, we can talk about it."

OP, I think you need to stop treating him like an infant or a degenerate slacker. My kid would never ask to stay home without feeling really really crappy. If you had reason to think your kid is a liar, then you need to recraft your post to be about immaturity and irresponsibility.

[Anonymous]

Is he pretty plugged into the world around him, keeping up with the news etc? I've been a ball of anxiety since inauguration and lots of people I know are frazzled/v stressed/upset about what's happening to our country and if there will even be a future to plan for. I know if I was in High School today I would be a wreck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1. Senioritis seems to have arrived.
2. When people are about to separate from others, they tend to push them away so they won't miss them. Sounds like he's preparing to leave home (for college?).
3. I rarely just give "no." So in your case, I'd have said, "No, but the Tylenol is in the spice rack if you want to take some now and bring some to school with you."
4. In a calm moment, talk to him about his behavior. "Lately you've been very snappish towards me and your disrespectfulness won't be tolerated. Is something going on that's bothering you?" Even big kids sometimes act out like little kids.
5. I do not repeat myself. I've been known to reply "Asked and answered" when I'm asked a second or third time about something I've already replied to. Think of what happened to you: he asked five or six times, you said no five or six times. He heard no five or six times. Thus, he felt like you always say no to everything. If they genuinely did not hear you, go ahead and repeat your answer. If they're asking because they're hoping for a different answer you can say "My answer hasn't changed."

Mom of 19-year-old and 14 year-old here. I agree with this approach 100%.

I'll just add that IME what works best at this age is to not take things personally, as much as possible, and to talk to him like another adult, not like a child, which is what PP is suggesting in #4 above. So turn off the part of you that is appalled and hurt. Don't take it personally. Keep telling yourself it is not about you. He is off his rocker, but it really has nothing to do with you. And then later, when he is calm, talk to him like you would an adult that you have a close relationship with. If another adult that I was close to blew up at me like that, I would not demand an apology per se. I would say pretty much what PP says above: "Hey, I really didn't like the way you talked to me this morning. It was incredibly rude." Use "I" statements, not "you" statements. Give him a chance to respond in a way that's not defensive. If he says, "sorry," accept it, no matter how ungraciously it's offered. If he gets defensive or starts the tirade again, just say calmly and evenly, "This is what I am talking about. I am happy to discuss things with you, but I can't listen to that tone of voice." Give him a chance to respond calmly; if it doesn't happen, walk away. Don't get pulled into his crazy.

Stay calm and above the fray. You are rubber and all this teenage crap bounces right off you.

[Anonymous]

is he getting laid? he'll mellow out once he gets some regularly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1. Senioritis seems to have arrived.
2. When people are about to separate from others, they tend to push them away so they won't miss them. Sounds like he's preparing to leave home (for college?).
3. I rarely just give "no." So in your case, I'd have said, "No, but the Tylenol is in the spice rack if you want to take some now and bring some to school with you."
4. In a calm moment, talk to him about his behavior. "Lately you've been very snappish towards me and your disrespectfulness won't be tolerated. Is something going on that's bothering you?" Even big kids sometimes act out like little kids.
5. I do not repeat myself. I've been known to reply "Asked and answered" when I'm asked a second or third time about something I've already replied to. Think of what happened to you: he asked five or six times, you said no five or six times. He heard no five or six times. Thus, he felt like you always say no to everything. If they genuinely did not hear you, go ahead and repeat your answer. If they're asking because they're hoping for a different answer you can say "My answer hasn't changed."

Holy passive aggressive!

New poster. How does the quote you highlighted seem passive aggressive? To me it seems pretty direct. Passive aggressive would be if the kid came down the next day and said "good morning" and then the op said "Oh, so you can be pleasant to me! Wow what a treat." Or something like that

I love when people write "new poster" but then completely back up the post that was written just SECONDS before theirs (like they didn't write both posts themselves.... nice try).
Keep high fiving yourself... it's such a good look.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Even if this has been an ongoing thing, I still think it's OK to address it now. Simply saying something to the effect that his behavior lately is extremely out of character and you've let it go thinking he was stressed, sick, whatever but now it's way out of hand. I often tell my kids that I get it that they have a lot going on but being angry, tired, whatever it's no excuse to be rude to anyone. If he lashes out I agree just to walk away from him or encourage him to walk away from you. I have usually good girls but they fall apart sometimes. I simply say "clearly things aren't going well right now. I suggest you take a stroll upstairs and pull yourself together before one of us says something we'll regret". That's usually enough to remind them that I'm not happy with their behavior and we don't want to make a big production of it. I get that that doesn't work for all kids, especially ones that are known to be confrontational, but frankly your child doesn't seem to be generally a behavior issue anyway. I chalk this up to teenage drama but that doesn't mean you can't address it and insist he knock it off!

I think something like this is helpful to say to kids. I used to get so angry when my mother implied (or said) that I was "always" being rude or that I was a bad person for the way I was behaving. It made me very defensive: I WAS NOT always rude. I WAS NOT a bad person. At the same time, it made me feel like I was such a bitch all the time and even my mother knew it, which just made me more angry and upset.

It's much better if you can say, "Hey, this is so unlike you, you are usually so pleasant." Provokes less defensiveness and implies that you know a great kid is in there somewhere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1. Senioritis seems to have arrived.
2. When people are about to separate from others, they tend to push them away so they won't miss them. Sounds like he's preparing to leave home (for college?).
3. I rarely just give "no." So in your case, I'd have said, "No, but the Tylenol is in the spice rack if you want to take some now and bring some to school with you."
4. In a calm moment, talk to him about his behavior. "Lately you've been very snappish towards me and your disrespectfulness won't be tolerated. Is something going on that's bothering you?" Even big kids sometimes act out like little kids.
5. I do not repeat myself. I've been known to reply "Asked and answered" when I'm asked a second or third time about something I've already replied to. Think of what happened to you: he asked five or six times, you said no five or six times. He heard no five or six times. Thus, he felt like you always say no to everything. If they genuinely did not hear you, go ahead and repeat your answer. If they're asking because they're hoping for a different answer you can say "My answer hasn't changed."

Holy passive aggressive!

New poster. How does the quote you highlighted seem passive aggressive? To me it seems pretty direct. Passive aggressive would be if the kid came down the next day and said "good morning" and then the op said "Oh, so you can be pleasant to me! Wow what a treat." Or something like that

I love when people write "new poster" but then completely back up the post that was written just SECONDS before theirs (like they didn't write both posts themselves.... nice try).
Keep high fiving yourself... it's such a good look.

??? Where is the high fiving? Am I missing something? (I wrote none of the text above, but I suppose you won't believe that, LOL.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry there's been such a shift in how he speaks to you... but at some point don't you have to just say to your older kids, "Is something bothering you? I thought we were on the same team. I wish you would speak to me more respectfully." Or to say "Do I speak to you like that? Then, please speak to me with the same respect I give you." But that also means you have to be a respectful parent, otherwise that last one won't work.

It seems like, and I only have young kids and using my recollection of being a teenager, that had my parents punished me for being rude or dramatic, I would have been a lot more rebellious than I was. Like all stages, I think this will pass.

I think showing him how baffled you are by his behavior is okay. "[Nickname], what's going on?" And, listen.

It reminds me of how DD would get wildly upset about something and I had to remind her to "use her words" (cringe, I know). "Just let me know what you need, kiddo. I'm right here."

I also think that giving more---upping his allowance AND giving more responsibilities---might help. He's trying to break into independence, so give him some. Real independence comes with responsibilities, so picking up some milk on the way home from work or filling the gas tank are things he can now do to earn the extra money.

My mom let me stay home a few times in junior high, and we went out shopping instead of going to school. Great memories. I was a good kid overall, but mouthy. I can say that now that I'm on the receiving end with DD!! I've let DS stay up late and watch action films or play video games. He'll bring these moments up sometimes, so I know he treasures them as much as I do. Your young man is about to leave home. I hope you find a way to connect. It's not about being right or in charge. It's about maintaining a connection.

He sounds like a good kid who's giving you a hard time. In this, you're lucky. I hope you find your way. GL!

[Anonymous]

I'd cut off the wifi at home (you can issue the password to others as needed) until his behavior modifies. He can go to Starbucks or the public library if he needs to use his computer for work. I have several friends whose kids started this and kept it up through college and well beyond. You need to let him know you expect civil, adult behavior or he will be punished - like a child. Read George Will's recent column on entitled behavior from college students. It hits the mark.

[Anonymous]

This sounds like pretty normal mid-senior year behavior from a 17/18 year old. My daughter asked to stay home from school sometimes during senior year and sometimes I let her (or if she had a headache, I'd tell her to take some advil, give her a note, and tell her to go in after first period). Nothing terrible happened. She isn't skipping classes in college (because she doesn't schedule them for 7:30 in the morning!)

The increasing rudeness is just part of separating and getting ready to leave the house later this year. I mostly ignored it and made the most of my time with my DD during the many times when she wasn't feeling stressed and moody. She would normally apologize if she said something truly rude and that was enough for me.

I have several friends whose kids started this and kept it up through college and well beyond. You need to let him know you expect civil, adult behavior or he will be punished - like a child. Read George Will's recent column on entitled behavior from college students. It hits the mark.

My kid is a much happier, much more civil person in college - she just really hated high school and the atmosphere there. Taking WiFi away from an 18 year old seems really petty and would probably just make things worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This sounds like pretty normal mid-senior year behavior from a 17/18 year old. My daughter asked to stay home from school sometimes during senior year and sometimes I let her (or if she had a headache, I'd tell her to take some advil, give her a note, and tell her to go in after first period). Nothing terrible happened. She isn't skipping classes in college (because she doesn't schedule them for 7:30 in the morning!)

The increasing rudeness is just part of separating and getting ready to leave the house later this year. I mostly ignored it and made the most of my time with my DD during the many times when she wasn't feeling stressed and moody. She would normally apologize if she said something truly rude and that was enough for me.

I have several friends whose kids started this and kept it up through college and well beyond. You need to let him know you expect civil, adult behavior or he will be punished - like a child. Read George Will's recent column on entitled behavior from college students. It hits the mark.

My kid is a much happier, much more civil person in college - she just really hated high school and the atmosphere there. Taking WiFi away from an 18 year old seems really petty and would probably just make things worse.

But is she required to do anything when she's at home or just party with friends who are also visiting home and come and go at will, on your dime? I suspect this is the case, as it has been with so many kids I know. The minute something is required of them, even presence at family gatherings, they get nasty and are especially bad once they move back in after college internships fail to result in jobs.

[Anonymous]

My generally well behaved senior DS has been doing the same thing. Being rude, yelling, defensive, etc. I am also annoyed and sick of it. I think it is defense mechanism of being scared of going to college, thinking they want to be away from the rules(but not away from the money that supports them, funny enough.) Thinking they are mature and irritated with every word said to them. It is like lashing out at that one person they are completely safe with and yes, it doesn't make sense, as you should be nice to those people. Also, is your DS maybe a late bloomer? In growth and such? Mine is, and having a growth spurt right now, and he will be 18 in a couple fo months, so I wonder if this might be late emotional puberty happening? I try to just get past it and forget about it, maybe not the best approach, but I don't want to be in a state of constant fight with DS, and just take it as some temporary insanity.

[Anonymous]

My first go to would be that something was going on his in his life that 1) caused him not to want to go to school 2) made him lash out at you. My mom has always said that kids will lash out the most at those they feel the most comfortable with. Something is eating away at him and he has taken it out on you. friend issues, grades, girlfriend/boyfriend, college? For my DS typically when he acts like this he has gotten in trouble at school for something and he mulls on it comes home and has an attitude. Once we get a moment to talk he will open up about what happened and then his mood improves and he says he's sorry for his attitude that he was "stressed".