What to do about my rude teen?

[Anonymous]

MY DS (high school senior) decided to be incredibly rude to me lately. He is generally a good kid (decent grades, has a lot of friends, has not gotten into any trouble, and is generally a good "family citizen" -- takes care of things when we ask him to, watches his younger sibling without complaint when asked, keeps in touch when out , reasonably likes spending time with us etc). We generally don't have an antagonistic relationship. IN the last few weeks he has been lashing out at me with these obnoxious tirades, name calling, and generally inappropriate way of speaking (to anyone really, but especially to an adult). I am bit at a loss as to how to handle this (and yes, already feel like a total failure that I have allowed this to happen, so please don't pile on). I wish I could think of some consequence to impose but not sure if it will have any effect other than escalating the situation (I can't stop him from leaving the house since he is much bigger than I am; his allowance is pretty small and while I can withhold it he has his own money (from work and gifts from relatives); he needs his computer for work, and taking away his phone just seems silly at this point). I am appalled and hurt that he thinks he can talk to me this way (It would never occur to me to talk like this to my parents). So, as an example, a few days ago he woke up in the morning and said he has a headache and wants to stay home from school. I said no. He continued to ask, over and over again, and I continued to say no, calmly for the first 5 or 6 times. Then after he asked 5 times and I said no 5 times, I raised my voice. That unleashed a interminable tirade about how awful I am, how rude I am, how he had to suffer this for 17 years, how I am "rude' to everyone, and on and on. After a few min I just walked away (which as stressful since I needed to be in the kitchen to get everyone ready to leave for school and work). Anyway, then he comes home from school and acts as if nothing happened. I told him I expected an apology from him, which led to another trade just like the one in the morning. I just kept my interaction with him to a minimum. But obviously this cannot continue, and is very unpleasant. I understand that he is stressed out about college admission and school work etc, but this is really unacceptable.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, I think you need to get thicker skin and give him a hug. In a calm moment, Acknowledge that it's hard to live by parental rules as 17, but he still has to. Then suggest you brainstorm ways to make his last year as pleasant as possible. Talk to him about how you stay calm when you are upset (leave the room etc). Explain that you don't believe you talk to him rudely, ask if there are particular phrases you use that he thinks are rude that you should avoid in the future.

My sometimes surely, disrespectful teen DD often shapes right up when I show her some unexpected kindness and love. This certainly doesn't always work, but it's worth a try.

[Anonymous]

PP here, I'm interested in whether other parents of responsible 17 year olds would let them decide when to stay home from school due to a headache. My oldest is only 14, but I pretty much defer to her if she says she doesn't feel well. She knows what's on her plate at school and almost never misses school, even when she has visible symptoms of mild illness. She doesn't want to make up the work at a later date. So if she said she had a headache, I'd probably discuss the pros/cons about missing school and let her make the decision. Is it possible you're micromanaging an otherwise responsible teen?

[Anonymous]

1. Senioritis seems to have arrived.
2. When people are about to separate from others, they tend to push them away so they won't miss them. Sounds like he's preparing to leave home (for college?).
3. I rarely just give "no." So in your case, I'd have said, "No, but the Tylenol is in the spice rack if you want to take some now and bring some to school with you."
4. In a calm moment, talk to him about his behavior. "Lately you've been very snappish towards me and your disrespectfulness won't be tolerated. Is something going on that's bothering you?" Even big kids sometimes act out like little kids.
5. I do not repeat myself. I've been known to reply "Asked and answered" when I'm asked a second or third time about something I've already replied to. Think of what happened to you: he asked five or six times, you said no five or six times. He heard no five or six times. Thus, he felt like you always say no to everything. If they genuinely did not hear you, go ahead and repeat your answer. If they're asking because they're hoping for a different answer you can say "My answer hasn't changed."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1. Senioritis seems to have arrived.
2. When people are about to separate from others, they tend to push them away so they won't miss them. Sounds like he's preparing to leave home (for college?).
3. I rarely just give "no." So in your case, I'd have said, "No, but the Tylenol is in the spice rack if you want to take some now and bring some to school with you."
4. In a calm moment, talk to him about his behavior. "Lately you've been very snappish towards me and your disrespectfulness won't be tolerated. Is something going on that's bothering you?" Even big kids sometimes act out like little kids.
5. I do not repeat myself. I've been known to reply "Asked and answered" when I'm asked a second or third time about something I've already replied to. Think of what happened to you: he asked five or six times, you said no five or six times. He heard no five or six times. Thus, he felt like you always say no to everything. If they genuinely did not hear you, go ahead and repeat your answer. If they're asking because they're hoping for a different answer you can say "My answer hasn't changed."

You keep Tylenol in the spice rack? Is it in your kitchen with spices or just a re-purposed spice rack?

[Anonymous]

I have a 14 and 18 year old. If the 14 year old said he had a headache, I'd let him stay home but I wouldn't for the 18 year old. The 18 year old tends to claim physical or llnesses if he gets stressed. If we let him stay home, he'd never go to school. Also, we rarely ever let our kids stay home so they do t ask unless they feel really bad.

OP, not sure I'd be demanding apologies. I'm not accepting of rudeness. But it's s stressful time for seniors. I know that when I'm really stressed, I sometimes snap at people. It's not ok, but even as an adult we do it. One thing I would do if I needed to that you didn't mention is that I'd take my car keys. I'd also be looking for some positive ways to be together. For us, I can get my son to watch TV with me sometimes so we have a show that we make time for every week.

[Anonymous]

You're not alone. My sixteen year old is so rude to me. Name calling and being disrespectful. I take away his phone ect. Nothing seems to help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1. Senioritis seems to have arrived.
2. When people are about to separate from others, they tend to push them away so they won't miss them. Sounds like he's preparing to leave home (for college?).
3. I rarely just give "no." So in your case, I'd have said, "No, but the Tylenol is in the spice rack if you want to take some now and bring some to school with you."
4. In a calm moment, talk to him about his behavior. "Lately you've been very snappish towards me and your disrespectfulness won't be tolerated. Is something going on that's bothering you?" Even big kids sometimes act out like little kids.
5. I do not repeat myself. I've been known to reply "Asked and answered" when I'm asked a second or third time about something I've already replied to. Think of what happened to you: he asked five or six times, you said no five or six times. He heard no five or six times. Thus, he felt like you always say no to everything. If they genuinely did not hear you, go ahead and repeat your answer. If they're asking because they're hoping for a different answer you can say "My answer hasn't changed."

You keep Tylenol in the spice rack? Is it in your kitchen with spices or just a re-purposed spice rack?

Really?

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry there's been such a shift in how he speaks to you... but at some point don't you have to just say to your older kids, "Is something bothering you? I thought we were on the same team. I wish you would speak to me more respectfully." Or to say "Do I speak to you like that? Then, please speak to me with the same respect I give you." But that also means you have to be a respectful parent, otherwise that last one won't work.

It seems like, and I only have young kids and using my recollection of being a teenager, that had my parents punished me for being rude or dramatic, I would have been a lot more rebellious than I was. Like all stages, I think this will pass.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for all the helpful thoughts. To answer earlier question-- I normally defer to DS when he says he is not feeling well, but he already stayed home from school for a few days a couple of weeks ago (b/c he was genuinely sick), he did not have a fever and it just seems to me like he simply didn't feel like going to school that day (he didn't get enough sleep, and probably didn't finish homework.) It jus seems like he was taking advantage of my generally being pretty relaxed about it.
I will try to shift the tone and see what happens. Thanks again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP here, I'm interested in whether other parents of responsible 17 year olds would let them decide when to stay home from school due to a headache. My oldest is only 14, but I pretty much defer to her if she says she doesn't feel well. She knows what's on her plate at school and almost never misses school, even when she has visible symptoms of mild illness. She doesn't want to make up the work at a later date. So if she said she had a headache, I'd probably discuss the pros/cons about missing school and let her make the decision. Is it possible you're micromanaging an otherwise responsible teen?

Yep, if they say they are too sick to go to school, they stay home. Its easier than having to leave work to pick them up when they can't make it through the day. They are responsible for making sure that they do not exceed the allowed number of absences and for making up any work, its between the child and the instructor. I refuse to intervene. So far none of my children has been required to repeat a class.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1. Senioritis seems to have arrived.
2. When people are about to separate from others, they tend to push them away so they won't miss them. Sounds like he's preparing to leave home (for college?).
3. I rarely just give "no." So in your case, I'd have said, "No, but the Tylenol is in the spice rack if you want to take some now and bring some to school with you."
4. In a calm moment, talk to him about his behavior. "Lately you've been very snappish towards me and your disrespectfulness won't be tolerated. Is something going on that's bothering you?" Even big kids sometimes act out like little kids.
5. I do not repeat myself. I've been known to reply "Asked and answered" when I'm asked a second or third time about something I've already replied to. Think of what happened to you: he asked five or six times, you said no five or six times. He heard no five or six times. Thus, he felt like you always say no to everything. If they genuinely did not hear you, go ahead and repeat your answer. If they're asking because they're hoping for a different answer you can say "My answer hasn't changed."

You keep Tylenol in the spice rack? Is it in your kitchen with spices or just a re-purposed spice rack?

No. I don't have a spice rack at all. I keep Tylenol in my purse and on my night table.

[Anonymous]

Even if this has been an ongoing thing, I still think it's OK to address it now. Simply saying something to the effect that his behavior lately is extremely out of character and you've let it go thinking he was stressed, sick, whatever but now it's way out of hand. I often tell my kids that I get it that they have a lot going on but being angry, tired, whatever it's no excuse to be rude to anyone. If he lashes out I agree just to walk away from him or encourage him to walk away from you. I have usually good girls but they fall apart sometimes. I simply say "clearly things aren't going well right now. I suggest you take a stroll upstairs and pull yourself together before one of us says something we'll regret". That's usually enough to remind them that I'm not happy with their behavior and we don't want to make a big production of it. I get that that doesn't work for all kids, especially ones that are known to be confrontational, but frankly your child doesn't seem to be generally a behavior issue anyway. I chalk this up to teenage drama but that doesn't mean you can't address it and insist he knock it off!

[Anonymous]

The answer to these threads is pretty much always to progressively remove all the freebies besides food, water, and shelter until your teen realizes that every good thing in their lives comes from you. Until your teen respects you again, they're not going to listen to you. Every suggestion that basically implies you aren't loving them enough isn't going to help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1. Senioritis seems to have arrived.
2. When people are about to separate from others, they tend to push them away so they won't miss them. Sounds like he's preparing to leave home (for college?).
3. I rarely just give "no." So in your case, I'd have said, "No, but the Tylenol is in the spice rack if you want to take some now and bring some to school with you."
4. In a calm moment, talk to him about his behavior. "Lately you've been very snappish towards me and your disrespectfulness won't be tolerated. Is something going on that's bothering you?" Even big kids sometimes act out like little kids.
5. I do not repeat myself. I've been known to reply "Asked and answered" when I'm asked a second or third time about something I've already replied to. Think of what happened to you: he asked five or six times, you said no five or six times. He heard no five or six times. Thus, he felt like you always say no to everything. If they genuinely did not hear you, go ahead and repeat your answer. If they're asking because they're hoping for a different answer you can say "My answer hasn't changed."

Holy passive aggressive!