Need help on getting 6 yr old ds to stop being mean to another kid in class

[Anonymous]

Ask the counselor for help. He/she may have books you can borrow that are for you to read, but also some you can read to your son. His feelings were hurt, and he lashed out. Acknowledge the feelings, but show him different ways to manage his anger. Practice them at home, role play.

[Anonymous]

Who wants to be friends with a bully? There are any number of shows and movies that demonstrate the bad behavior and the consequences. Watch a few with him. "You wanna be THAT guy, Larlo?" He'll get the message.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If that happened with my kid, their room would be cleared out. Toys boxed up, nice clothes boxed up, everything off walls, nice sheets and blankets boxed. Grounded from iPad tv for a month.

This would not fly at all in my house and my kids know not to even try to go there.

If your son did it again, he obviously didn't understand the message the first time.

What the heck, the kid is SIX!! While I do appreciate zero tolerance for bullying, your reaction is over the top.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ask the counselor for help. He/she may have books you can borrow that are for you to read, but also some you can read to your son. His feelings were hurt, and he lashed out. Acknowledge the feelings, but show him different ways to manage his anger. Practice them at home, role play.

This is great advice. Role-playing can be very effective.

[Anonymous]

What exactly is the other student doing? What are the consequences of her actions?

What exactly is you son doing?

Um! This is what school is really about. Ask the counselor to help if the teacher can't do her job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I actually would not punish. That will just teach him to tease and be mean in places where he won't be caught. He says he did it because he wants to be friends with the girl. Did you ask him if it worked? Walk him through the mismatch between his actions and what he wanted. Role play alternative ways he could interact with this kid. Do more listening than talking.

You're an idiot and your child will grow up to be terror with tactics like these.

[Anonymous]

Am I the only one who thinks OP's son is teasing the girl he likes just to get a reaction out of her? It's classic elementary behavior.

I like PP 07:41's suggestion about showing movies with bullies in them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have five kids. None of them are anywhere close to perfect. But they have never been disrespectful towards a teacher and I have never had a complaint about them being mean to other students. To me this would be a huge deal. I think I would be looking at what I had done wrong. Kids learn what they live. At six you are the one influencing your child's behavior. This is 100% on you, OP.

I think you fix it with very serious consequences every time it happens. More importantly, you examine your own behavior. Bully parents have kids who bully.

OP here. I appreciate everyone's advice and I will take it even more seriously if it unfortunately happens again but I want to respond to the above post. I do NOT consider myself a bully parent. I was teased often as a child for being overweight and am quite sensitive to understanding that being bullied is very hard and hurtful for kids so please do not automatically assume that every kid who does this has bully parents.

OP, don't worry about this poster. I recognize the poster. I am also one of five kids. Let's just say that I don't think this poster really has much idea of what was going on with her five kids.

Getting back to your problem: What is the teacher doing in class? It's a bit odd to me that she sent the note home saying that it happened but no word about consequences in class. For a six-year-old, if nothing happens in class but then he gets consequences at home, he may believe that it's not okay to say names at home but in class it's okay. A firm and immediate reprimand from the teacher can do wonders, then you back it up with consequences at home. If the teacher isn't responding, you're going to have a harder time enforcing.

Also, I would make sure he understands that nobody has to be friends with somebody else, which seems to be the crux of the matter. It sounds like he's lashing out because he feels rejection, anger, hurt, and possibly entitlement. Six isn't too early to learn that friendship has to be earned.

Finally, what names are these? My reaction and advice is going to be really different if he's calling her a poopyhead versus a racial slur.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Am I the only one who thinks OP's son is teasing the girl he likes just to get a reaction out of her? It's classic elementary behavior.

I like PP 07:41's suggestion about showing movies with bullies in them.

Yes, definitely. This is totally age-appropriate. But, OP, it's time to talk to him about how he feels about this girl and help brainstorm nicer ways to get her attention.

And then if he does it again, I would either spank him or take away all sorts of crap. You have to draw the line somewhere before they grow up to be serious bullies. Six is old enough to control these impulses and to get serious, uncomfortable consequences for this behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are trying to get him to stop by using empathy and morality and ethics -- explaining he needs to treat the child as he wishes to be treated; bullying is wrong, etc.

All of those are valuable lessons but your child is just not ready for them. That does not make him a bad child but he is not developmentally ready to consider the other child's feelings in this situation. He sees that the other child does not like him and he wants to hurt him back.

In this situation, stop with the moral lessons and empathy paradigms. Your child gets punished for his misbehavior. He loses a privilege -- screentime; a favorite toy is taken away. He cannot make the cognitive leap you are asking of him.

This is true.

He knows what he's doing is wrong.

Just focus for now on continuing to impose clear and practical consequences for his bad choices. Eventually he will realize it's better/easier to make the right choice (kind or tolerant, not mean) than to suffer the consequences you/the teacher impose.


This is "external motivation," and it does work in the short term. You're doing fine. Just keep it up.

In order to change their behavior, kids often need multiple (!!!) experiences with the cycle of (1) hearing clear/slimple expecations; and (2) receiving consistent and matching consequences (positive feedback for meeting expectations, negative consequences for not meeting them).

Keep it up and he'll get with the program and make better choices. It's basic carrot/stick stuff.

In the longer term, however, you want him to make those good choices not just to avoid negative consequences, but also because it feels good and right to him to make good choices (treat other people with kindness or tolerance);

This is "internal motivation." There are two steps to get there:

(1) He needs to do/experience the good behavior and be praised for it by you and his teacher. That's where consequences come in. They'll push him the right direction eventually;

(2) He needs to understand WHY it's the right thing and connect that with feeling good about himself. That's the education part -- about empathy, other peoples' feelings, family/school/community/religious values etc.

He doesn't really understand this part at age six. That's normal. But keep exposing him to it through books, modeling good choices (and explaining why), connecting to the language they use at school (ours talks about "filling other peoples' buckets") etc.

Eventually the two will come together if you keep at it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would spank my child. Seriously. Then tell him if he does it again, he will again get spanked.
I have only spanked each of my children twice in their lives and it was highly effective.

Or maybe take away a favorite toy and throw it in the trash.

+1

I have only spanked my kids a couple of times too, and it too has been highly effective.

I do feel though spanking can work only if you are a responsible and present parent. If you are spanking because you cannot be bothered to spend time with your kid to teach them right from wrong then the spanking is abuse.

I think in this situation spanking is totally sending the wrong message. Your 6 year old is being verbally aggressive to another child....so you respond by being physically aggressive to your child....bad idea in my opinion

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I actually would not punish. That will just teach him to tease and be mean in places where he won't be caught. He says he did it because he wants to be friends with the girl. Did you ask him if it worked? Walk him through the mismatch between his actions and what he wanted. Role play alternative ways he could interact with this kid. Do more listening than talking.

+1. Ultimately I want my kids to learn to make kind, logical, effective decisions because that is the reasonable thing to do, not because they're afraid of getting caught doing otherwise. If the only reason someone behaves is to avoid punishment, that breeds sneaky misbehavior, not less misbehavior, and anytime they think there won't be consequences they will just do what they want. My goal in this situation would be for my son to stop treating his classmate badly and start being either nice or neutrally polite. In order to achieve that, I would make it clear to him in a discussion exactly why he should behave that way and what exactly that would look like. One of the things I would do is talk to him about whether his behavior was in line with our values about how to treat people (answer: no). Also, I would ask him if it got him what he wanted, which he said was for this girl to be his friend (answer: no). If something is not good character (because it is mean instead of kind) and it is not good sense (because it doesn't work) -- then we shouldn't do it. Kids, as a general rule, will do what works. Teaching kids that being a friend is how to have friends and that treating people nicely is the right thing to do seems like it will ultimately yield better results and better people than teaching them not to be mean because they will get into trouble.

In my house we also don't punish (adding negativity on top of whatever was bad in the first place). Instead, we just focus on stopping, and making amends for, the wrong behavior in the present and figuring out how to prevent it reoccurring in the future.

[Anonymous]

Please don't do the card thing. A boy who continuously teased my daughter in kindergarten did that and it really put her on the spot. I've been teaching that sorry doesn't always make it okay. The first five times she was called a name and he apologized she accepted it, but continuously doing wrong and then saying sorry is unacceptable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please don't do the card thing. A boy who continuously teased my daughter in kindergarten did that and it really put her on the spot. I've been teaching that sorry doesn't always make it okay. The first five times she was called a name and he apologized she accepted it, but continuously doing wrong and then saying sorry is unacceptable.

Sorry can only (help) make things okay if you prove you're really sorry by your subsequent actions.

[Anonymous]

My two cents-
Ask the teacher if it's okay to check in with her/him at the end of each day until things settle down with DS. If DS gets a thumbs up for the day, he earns a small reward after school. Make it something he'll work for but not outrageously big or expensive. If the teacher gives a thumbs down, DS loses a privilege that afternoon- something he truly cares about and will miss. The consequences for positive or negative behavior need to be immediate otherwise there is less incentive. Perhaps a bigger reward at the end of the weeks if he gets five days of thumbs up. You must be consistent. No matter what. DS also needs the opportunity to start fresh every day. If you take the iPad away for a week, he may wonder why he should bother trying to do better during that week.

Have a chat with the school counselor if you haven't done so already. Find out what insights she/he may have. You may also want to ask the counselor about the idea of DS writing a note/card to the girl. I personally (as a former elementary counselor) wouldn't recommend it. It would extremely confusing to the girl if he gives a card one day and the next day slings more insults. The best gift this girl can get is to be left alone by your son.