Reply to Need help on getting 6 yr old ds to stop being mean to another kid in class

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I actually would not punish. That will just teach him to tease and be mean in places where he won't be caught. He says he did it because he wants to be friends with the girl. Did you ask him if it worked? Walk him through the mismatch between his actions and what he wanted. Role play alternative ways he could interact with this kid. Do more listening than talking.[/quote]

+1. Ultimately I want my kids to learn to make kind, logical, effective decisions because that is the reasonable thing to do, not because they're afraid of getting caught doing otherwise. If the only reason someone behaves is to avoid punishment, that breeds sneaky misbehavior, not less misbehavior, and anytime they think there won't be consequences they will just do what they want. My goal in this situation would be for my son to stop treating his classmate badly and start being either nice or neutrally polite. In order to achieve that, I would make it clear to him in a discussion exactly why he should behave that way and what exactly that would look like. One of the things I would do is talk to him about whether his behavior was in line with our values about how to treat people (answer: no). Also, I would ask him if it got him what he wanted, which he said was for this girl to be his friend (answer: no). If something is not good character (because it is mean instead of kind) and it is not good sense (because it doesn't work) -- then we shouldn't do it. Kids, as a general rule, will do what works. Teaching kids that being a friend is how to have friends and that treating people nicely is the right thing to do seems like it will ultimately yield better results and better people than teaching them not to be mean because they will get into trouble.

In my house we also don't punish (adding negativity on top of whatever was bad in the first place). Instead, we just focus on stopping, and making amends for, the wrong behavior in the present and figuring out how to prevent it reoccurring in the future.[/quote]

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