Need help on getting 6 yr old ds to stop being mean to another kid in class
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Anonymous
| 6 yr old got in trouble twice in one week 2 weeks ago because he was calling another student in class names. I asked why and he said because she wouldn't be friends with him. I told him that was no excuse and that we need to treat people the way we want to be treated - in a way he I thought he could understand. We've talked to him about bullying and how wrong it is in the past and in fact he had to deal with an older kid who was bothering him on the school bus who is not anymore. Today, his teacher wrote another note saying he's doing the same thing to the same student and I just don't get it. We do not curse, yell, hit, etc at home and I had grounded him 2 weeks ago - no tv, Ipad, no outings, etc - and he's doing the same shit again. I am absolutely NOT one of those parents who is okay with my child being a bully and need advice on how to stop him from doing this because I'm getting extremely fed up. |
Anonymous
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I wouldn't stress too much about it yet. Stay calm with him (my kids know that the quieter I get with them, the more they're in trouble.) Six year olds are testing to see where the boundaries are.
Repeat the consequence from before, but add some more time. So if he lost screen time for 3 days, now it's 5 days. When you talk to him, no need for a lecture or to "process" it. He knows what's he did was wrong. Just give him the consequences. "I'm sorry you chose to be hurtful and mean to others. That's not what this family is about. First you're going to make a card to apologize to the student on the bus. Second, you've lost all screen time for 7 days and will not be attending Jimmy's party. When you choose to be mean, you lose the privilege of doing things you enjoy. I'm confident you fix this and make kinder choices. Go upstairs. I'll call you when dinner is ready." |
Anonymous
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OP, you are trying to get him to stop by using empathy and morality and ethics -- explaining he needs to treat the child as he wishes to be treated; bullying is wrong, etc.
All of those are valuable lessons but your child is just not ready for them. That does not make him a bad child but he is not developmentally ready to consider the other child's feelings in this situation. He sees that the other child does not like him and he wants to hurt him back. In this situation, stop with the moral lessons and empathy paradigms. Your child gets punished for his misbehavior. He loses a privilege -- screentime; a favorite toy is taken away. He cannot make the cognitive leap you are asking of him. |
Anonymous
| Make a chart and reward system. Be consistent with it at home and at school. |
Anonymous
Not OP, but her post did say he lost privileges the last time. |
Anonymous
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I would spank my child. Seriously. Then tell him if he does it again, he will again get spanked.
I have only spanked each of my children twice in their lives and it was highly effective. Or maybe take away a favorite toy and throw it in the trash. |
Anonymous
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I have five kids. None of them are anywhere close to perfect. But they have never been disrespectful towards a teacher and I have never had a complaint about them being mean to other students. To me this would be a huge deal. I think I would be looking at what I had done wrong. Kids learn what they live. At six you are the one influencing your child's behavior. This is 100% on you, OP.
I think you fix it with very serious consequences every time it happens. More importantly, you examine your own behavior. Bully parents have kids who bully. |
Anonymous
| I actually would not punish. That will just teach him to tease and be mean in places where he won't be caught. He says he did it because he wants to be friends with the girl. Did you ask him if it worked? Walk him through the mismatch between his actions and what he wanted. Role play alternative ways he could interact with this kid. Do more listening than talking. |
Anonymous
OP here. I appreciate everyone's advice and I will take it even more seriously if it unfortunately happens again but I want to respond to the above post. I do NOT consider myself a bully parent. I was teased often as a child for being overweight and am quite sensitive to understanding that being bullied is very hard and hurtful for kids so please do not automatically assume that every kid who does this has bully parents. |
Anonymous
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First, thank you for not ignoring your child's issue and trying to deal with it.
Second, sometimes we need to look within ourselves to see if what we are doing. I'm not saying there is something wrong with you but don't be quick to dismiss examining your own actions. Adults are not perfect either so it's ok to ask someone about your style of parenting, even if it means you have to do it in person or on a forum. Also, ask your child what he thinks you should do to help him learn to treat others better. And you need to find out what is the other kid doing to cause your child to treat him that way. You may end up with just your side of the story on that, but you have something to work with. |
Anonymous
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If that happened with my kid, their room would be cleared out. Toys boxed up, nice clothes boxed up, everything off walls, nice sheets and blankets boxed. Grounded from iPad tv for a month.
This would not fly at all in my house and my kids know not to even try to go there. If your son did it again, he obviously didn't understand the message the first time. |
Anonymous
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Omg, you people are so hard on a 6 yo.
The best advice was not punishing but talking about how his strategy worked (didn't work). Kids don't do things to spite us. They react to something or try to achieve something. Their strategies are poorly thought out and our job is to help them. |
Anonymous
+1 Preach! |
Anonymous
+1 I have only spanked my kids a couple of times too, and it too has been highly effective. I do feel though spanking can work only if you are a responsible and present parent. If you are spanking because you cannot be bothered to spend time with your kid to teach them right from wrong then the spanking is abuse. |
Anonymous
| Spanking. We dont do that enough to kids these days. In my day, no CPS crap, no pussy-footing on disciplining a kid. Nowadays, heaven forbid if you touch a child. Bunch of bull. |