Reply to Need help on getting 6 yr old ds to stop being mean to another kid in class

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP, you are trying to get him to stop by using empathy and morality and ethics -- explaining he needs to treat the child as he wishes to be treated; bullying is wrong, etc.

All of those are valuable lessons but your child is just not ready for them.  That does not make him a bad child but [b]he is not developmentally ready to consider the other child's feelings in this situation.  He sees that the other child does not like him and he wants to hurt him back.[/b]

In this situation, st[b]op with the moral lessons and empathy paradigms.  Your child gets punished for his misbehavior.  He loses a privilege -- screentime; a favorite toy is taken away.  He cannot make the cognitive leap you are asking of him[/b].[/quote]

This is true.

He knows what he's doing is wrong.

Just focus for now on continuing to impose clear and practical consequences for his bad choices.  Eventually he will realize it's better/easier to make the right choice (kind or tolerant, not mean) than to suffer the consequences you/the teacher impose.

This is "external motivation," and it does work in the short term.  You're doing fine. Just keep it up.

In order to change their behavior, kids often need multiple (!!!) experiences with the cycle of (1) hearing clear/slimple expecations; and (2) receiving consistent and matching consequences (positive feedback for meeting expectations, negative consequences for not meeting them).

Keep it up and he'll get with the program and make better choices.  It's basic carrot/stick stuff.

In the longer term, however, you want him to make those good choices not just to avoid negative consequences, but also because it feels good and right to him to make good choices (treat other people with kindness or tolerance);

This is "internal motivation."  There are two steps to get there:

(1) He needs to do/experience the good behavior and be praised for it by you and his teacher.  That's where consequences come in.  They'll push him the right direction eventually;

(2) He needs to understand WHY it's the right thing and connect that with feeling good about himself.  That's the education part -- about empathy, other peoples' feelings, family/school/community/religious values etc.

He doesn't really understand this part at age six.  That's normal.  But keep exposing him to it through books, modeling good choices (and explaining why), connecting to the language they use at school (ours talks about "filling other peoples' buckets") etc.

Eventually the two will come together if you keep at it![/quote]

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