Need help on getting 6 yr old ds to stop being mean to another kid in class

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are trying to get him to stop by using empathy and morality and ethics -- explaining he needs to treat the child as he wishes to be treated; bullying is wrong, etc.

All of those are valuable lessons but your child is just not ready for them. That does not make him a bad child but he is not developmentally ready to consider the other child's feelings in this situation. He sees that the other child does not like him and he wants to hurt him back.

In this situation, stop with the moral lessons and empathy paradigms. Your child gets punished for his misbehavior. He loses a privilege -- screentime; a favorite toy is taken away. He cannot make the cognitive leap you are asking of him.

Not OP, but her post did say he lost privileges the last time.

clearly not for long enough to remember the lesson, or not the ones he really cares about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please don't do the card thing. A boy who continuously teased my daughter in kindergarten did that and it really put her on the spot. I've been teaching that sorry doesn't always make it okay. The first five times she was called a name and he apologized she accepted it, but continuously doing wrong and then saying sorry is unacceptable.

Sorry can only (help) make things okay if you prove you're really sorry by your subsequent actions.

I agree completely. I'm a mom and an elementary school principal. One thing we teach at my school is that when you apologize, you ask the person who you hurt "Is there anything I can do to make you feel better?" I like this because it puts the power back on the one who was hurt. I've facilitated this with kids of all ages and have heard everything from "No, there's nothing," to "Just leave me alone," to "Sit with me at lunch," and more. It's really up to the other kid.

And we definitely emphasize how you demonstrate that you're really sorry and rebuild trust. I'll say, "Larla and I both heard you say you were sorry. And we'll know if you really mean it by how you act from now on. If you keep safe hands from now on, we'll know you really mean you're sorry. And we can start to trust that you mean what you say. But If you push her or anyone else again next week, next month or even next year, then we'll know you didn't mean it. Your actions matter."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What exactly is the other student doing? What are the consequences of her actions?

What exactly is you son doing?

Um! This is what school is really about. Ask the counselor to help if the teacher can't do her job.

agreed - this is the focus of 1st grade (or should be). teh school shoudl be handling it. If not, force them to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Spanking. We dont do that enough to kids these days. In my day, no CPS crap, no pussy-footing on disciplining a kid. Nowadays, heaven forbid if you touch a child. Bunch of bull.

Right! Teach your child not to be a bully by being one yourself. Perfect logic! Sorry but your parenting skills are pretty limited if this is what you offer as a solution. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please don't do the card thing. A boy who continuously teased my daughter in kindergarten did that and it really put her on the spot. I've been teaching that sorry doesn't always make it okay. The first five times she was called a name and he apologized she accepted it, but continuously doing wrong and then saying sorry is unacceptable.

Sorry can only (help) make things okay if you prove you're really sorry by your subsequent actions.

I agree completely. I'm a mom and an elementary school principal. One thing we teach at my school is that when you apologize, you ask the person who you hurt "Is there anything I can do to make you feel better?" I like this because it puts the power back on the one who was hurt. I've facilitated this with kids of all ages and have heard everything from "No, there's nothing," to "Just leave me alone," to "Sit with me at lunch," and more. It's really up to the other kid.

And we definitely emphasize how you demonstrate that you're really sorry and rebuild trust. I'll say, "Larla and I both heard you say you were sorry. And we'll know if you really mean it by how you act from now on. If you keep safe hands from now on, we'll know you really mean you're sorry. And we can start to trust that you mean what you say. But If you push her or anyone else again next week, next month or even next year, then we'll know you didn't mean it. Your actions matter."

I love this! What a great pro-social solution.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:6 yr old got in trouble twice in one week 2 weeks ago because he was calling another student in class names. I asked why and he said because she wouldn't be friends with him. I told him that was no excuse and that we need to treat people the way we want to be treated - in a way he I thought he could understand. We've talked to him about bullying and how wrong it is in the past and in fact he had to deal with an older kid who was bothering him on the school bus who is not anymore. Today, his teacher wrote another note saying he's doing the same thing to the same student and I just don't get it. We do not curse, yell, hit, etc at home and I had grounded him 2 weeks ago - no tv, Ipad, no outings, etc - and he's doing the same shit again. I am absolutely NOT one of those parents who is okay with my child being a bully and need advice on how to stop him from doing this because I'm getting extremely fed up.

I think this rule is not that helpful for kids. They don't really get it, or they get it in this way "If I was refusing to be friends with me, I would deserve to be called a mean name so I wouldn't be upset at being called the mean name." It's fair to ask your child how they would feel in the other child's shoes, but I think it's really limited. What's more useful (and a little more difficult) is teaching him other ways to deal with that emotion (feeling rejected by the girl) that doesn't involve him lashing out at the girl. You can even practice is at home with stuffed animals or by role-playing. I do punish my kids for stuff, but I also really that it's basically pointless -- most kids that age don't really have the impulse control to think "I am mad at Suzy. I am so mad I want to call Suzy a bad name. But if I call her a bad name, the teacher will tell my mom and my mom will take away my ipad for a week, and that will make me even madder so I better not call Suzy the bad name." By the time their little brains get to step 2 of that thought process, they have already said the bad name. You need to make something other than "call her a bad name" their first impulse. And that requires a lot of practice and reinforcement -- just like learning to throw a ball or play the piano. If you have to stop to think abotu every little step, you won't be successful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Spanking. We dont do that enough to kids these days. In my day, no CPS crap, no pussy-footing on disciplining a kid. Nowadays, heaven forbid if you touch a child. Bunch of bull.

Yes, protecting children from abuse is such crap

[Anonymous]

OP here.

I really appreciate everyone who chimed in with advice. Unfortunately, same day that I wrote this post, he was called into principal's office for the same thing again and I'm not going to lie, I really lost it on him.


Since then, he wrote a note - which I now regret because I do understand and agree with pps who'd said that if he were to write a note then repeat the same behavior, it would be hurtful and confusing to the girl - and has had good reports and no issues ever since.

We did role playing and I do think that helped and of course he was grounded again and for the longest time he's ever been, which I do think he understood my our dissapointment. Like I'd mentioned, he'd had to deal with an older kid bothering him on bus and last week another kid on bus pushed him but thankfully bus driver got involved and parents of other kid were great. I'm hoping he understands how much it isn't a good feeling to be bothered by other kids and knows not to do this again.

Lastly I'm in no way blaming the teacher for my kid's actions but agree that she should have given him consequences beyond a color change and have asked her to be firm with him about his behavior at school as I want him to know that there are consequences at school and not just at home.