Supporting your spouse who is in grad school
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Anonymous
Notice that you say you were the primary caregiver when you were in law school and he worked. This is the only way grad school works when you have a family. You made it work, I am making it work under those circumstances (MS in engineering) If your husband can't handle school when you're already taking on all the childcare responsibilities, then it's really not going to work. Grad school in your 30's is tough, and the reality is that sometimes it doesn't work. Four years of dental school with you handling all of the childcare, housework and being the breadwinner is going to kill you. You're barely 2 months in and you're already overwhelmed because this division of labor does not work. I'm not trying to be negative, but I think both of you could use a reality check. |
Anonymous
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It's October. Being patient in the beginning was the right thing to do. But as he is in grad school, he is presumptively smart enough to figure out how to schedule and share now that he's adjusted.
Simple answer. Tell him to grow up and get with the program -- TODAY! FWIW. I am a guy. |
Anonymous
| Well, it's definitely not easy to be the sole source of support when a spouse is pursuing something like going back to school. And it's completely understandable you're feeling a bit overwhelmed. But it would probably be a good idea to share with your husband how you're feeling rather than letting it build up inside. Then you may end up with resentment towards him that could've been avoided. Also, perhaps when you both put your heads together you can figure out some other ways to make this work (without losing your sanity!). Lastly, is there any way you could spread the burden a bit with family or friends? Don't hesitate to ask for help if it's available... |
Anonymous
| He's being a jerk OP. He has no consideration for how much you're doing and what a strain it is on you. And look, if he can't hack it, he can't. With you pulling all the weight and him already doing poorly with zero other responsibilities on his plate and it's only 2 months in, it's not looking good. There's really not much else you can do to help him. |
Anonymous
| It sounds like you already do everything, and all he has to worry about is school, but he is still struggling with school. This isn't something you can fix; if he has poor study habits and can't hack it, he can't hack it. Let him figure this one out on his own. |
Anonymous
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Spend more money to help you. Seriously. Dental school should eventually lead to a decent income, and you can pay yourselves back.
You are not going to be able to sustain this for four years of school. He is also going to grow further and further disconnected from the family as your kids get four years older. Throw whatever money you can at this problem to open up the time he needs to pass his courses and set aside a least a little time to be a husband a father. My husband is an MD. He also had very few people in his class who already had children. I am a PhD. Same here. Those people had a lot of struggles, and divorce was not uncommon. If you have money anywhere to make this easier, spend it. If you don't have the money, then get through this semester, and tell him you need to have a spouses' summit as soon as winter break begins. Now that you will both have a better idea of what dental school will be like, you need to figure out as a team how to make it work without him basically becoming a border in his own home. |
Anonymous
| I agree with throwing money at it. Tell yourself that it's cheaper than divorce and part of the investment. You are a great wife. |
Anonymous
Take him at his word. A friend was in a similar situation - her husband had to adjust his study habits. For example, they would agree that he would study from 1-5 on Saturday afternoon. So she would make plans to get the kids out of the house so he could have complete peace and quiet. He would dick around, and maybe study for an hour of that time instead of the full four hours. So then he was down 3 hours of study time. He would end up staying up late and night, and then be "too tired" to pull his weight at home. Be honest - you can't do anymore. Ask him to be honest - if he sets aside time for studying, is he really studying during that time? He can't study like a single person with no kids. |
Anonymous
| He needs to work smarter, not harder. |
Anonymous
My grad program was very intense and in my class we saw 3 divorces  . I second the suggestion to hire help like an au pair- or bring in a family member/grandparent to help. STOP being a martyr or you will wind up losing the marriage (his guilt will eat him up.) I also think men are not as good at multitasking childcare and schoolwork. They seem to need to have an 'all-in' intensity when it comes to school. Good luck.
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Anonymous
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I personally do not find the suggestions to farm out help useful. Au pairs are expensive and so is dental school. Pretty sure if they had the money for that none of this would be an issue! And who has family who can just drop their own life to come help two adults run the one they created? Not me. Op and her husband but mostly him need to figure this out. He has a ton of support from OP and STILL blames her and the kids for him not doing well in school and that's bullshit. Going back to school with kids is hard but op did it and plenty of us in this thread have done or are doing it.
When I went back to grad school I made a promise and a commitment that this would not be a drain on my family nor would it be a waste of the time taken from them for me to do it. So I bust my ass making sure I do well in these classes because to take this time and money to do it, I better do it right. And if it were causing significant hardship for my spouse or kids, I would say maybe I need to wait a bit or maybe it's not for me. If he's behind 2 months in with his wife pulling so much of the load for him, he's probably not cut out for this. And don't let him play the "i feel guilty I'm not helping more" card. No he isn't. He's panicking because he knows you're doing everything you can and he's still not able to do well. |
Anonymous
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I do not know your financial income, but is there any possible way that you can afford to outsource certain things for the time being?
Like hire a cleaner to do the deep cleaning and/or a part-time babysitter to help you out w/childcare & driving duties?? If not, then your husband may have to postpone his Grad studies for the time being. It is entirely unfair for him to expect you to keep the home fires burning, financially support a family + be fully responsible for all aspects of childcare. I would ask him to contribute more to the household and family, if he flat out claims he cannot, then you tell him that you are unable to do it all another day. Good Luck. |
Anonymous
Grad school in your 30's with a family is only feasible when the person going to school can be the default parent for the kids. The setup where you're the primary breadwinner, caregiver and all household tasks also fall on you is going to end badly. Ask around, there are a lot of people who get divorced in grad school, and it's not because their spouses don't love them - it's because the stress is too much. This is not sustainable for 4 months, let alone 4 years. For now, I would focus on getting through the semester and having a serious talk over winter break. Be very honest about how you are feeling. If he's going to quit, it's better to do it now than when he's accrued more dental school debt. The arrangement you describe is not sustainable. - signed, a grad student with a spouse and 2 kids |
Anonymous
| If he's in law school and his first semester grades sucked, there's no saving it. You should advise him to drop out now. |
Anonymous
Sorry, didn't see that he was in dental school. |