Supporting your spouse who is in grad school

[Anonymous]

I need help. My DH recently started graduate school. Although he started in August, I have been mentally preparing to be the primary caretaker of the children for a while. Since he started, I have done all of the drop off and pick ups and all extracurricular activities for both kids (violin, soccer, girlscouts etc. ). I have complained to him that I am tired, and honestly some days I am. My husband does help when he can, but I don't put much pressure on him. In my prior life I would complain about dirty dishes, laundry etc, but now, I let it go. Today he reached out to tell me that he isn't doing well in his classes, and needs a better study routine. I read that as he needs more time for school. Honestly, I don't know how to respond and I don't know what else I can give. I am truly giving 110% in every aspect of our lives. I am the sole bread winner, sole caretaker, manage the finances etc etc. I am so bad at responses that I don't know what to say. I don't need help for me, I need help on how I can support him in his time of need, when I'm already maxed out.

[Anonymous]

This post just shows everything that's wrong with gender roles in our culture. My family has the opposite set-up as yours. I'm the one in graduate school and my husband works, but I'm also the primary caregiver.

One of the benefits of grad school is the flexible schedule. I am going part time in a STEM field and it's really challenging. I'm jealous that you guys have daycare - we couldn't justify the expense. I study after bedtime and during naps. I am 32 years old and it's tough to go back to school now with young kids at home.

If I was in your shoes I would ask him about delaying grad school until the kids are in school. It doesn't sound like he can handle it with young kids. Also, when you're a parent, you can't just drop your parental responsibilities for a few years.

Switch the genders in your post and think about what you would say to that woman. The wife who just started grad school and wanted her working husband to work and handle all house responsibilities and childcare.

[Anonymous]

He may need to just change HOW he studies. Not necessarily how LONG he studies. He may need a study group, or to drop out of a study group. He may need to study at a coffee shop, or study at home instead of a coffee shop. He may need to record his classes and play them back later. He may need to go meet with one of his professors and has to get over the ego bruise of asking for help.

The best line when ANYONE you love is stressed is "Okay, what can I do to help you?" He may need you to make suggestions like the above. Now, he also may bust out with your worst fear of "I need 10 more hours of study time a week and need to just leave my dirty clothes and dishes scattered all over the floor."

But you are allowed to say "I can't give you that, but what I can do is this."

As an aside, streamline your life. Do auto payments of recurring monthly bills. If your kids are 3 or older get them cleaning up their own messes, bringing dishes to the sink, throwing out garbage, etc.

[Anonymous]

OP, please tell us that your DH is getting a degree in something that will earn a substantial income. If it doesn't, then it's just a hobby.

[Anonymous]

Why don't you cut down some of your kids' activities? The reality for them is that there is only so much you can do timewise and finally based on the current career and education decisions you two have made. Otherwise, give him some concrete tasks that work with his schedule. Remember, what you allow is what will continue.

[Anonymous]

Um... what?? I'm the mom in my family and I'm the one in grad school (one semester left). I'm the default parent and I volunteer on 4 different committees and took 21 hours in a related field that I would need for certification on top of the grad coursework and internships. And I have a 4.0. Never got below an A in any class. If your husband is doing poorly in grad school with you pulling this much weight, he's a loser who can't buckle down and multitask. Sorry but that's the truth. I'm living it and it's tough but not that tough. You get up early and do schoolwork and learn to maximize your time. And he's not even handling the kids! My God. He is the kind of person who will never finish a degree or use it and it'll be everyone else's fault. YOU can't do anything more here. HE has to step up and decide if he can actually achieve this or not.

[Anonymous]

I'm a faculty member in a very demanding PhD program where we only rarely have students who already have kids. I worry about those students, and I recognize that I couldn't have thrived in my own doctoral program if I'd had kids then. The first semester, in particular, is brutal for everyone. The reading load is just SO heavy and the type of reading is so unfamiliar. (I'm also a bit concerned that your spouse is already feeling overwhelmed, and we haven't even gotten to the real crunch at the end of the semester.)

So, from my perspective, you're in a situation where everyone is right to be overwhelmed. Here are just a few tips:

(1) Streamline your parenting--meaning, take all the shortcuts you said you'd never take (frozen vegetables rather than fresh, missing a few soccer games, skipping back to school night, whatever).

(2) Encourage your husband to "work smarter not harder." I work on this with my grad students a lot. Some concrete tips: devote a set number of hours to reading for a given class, and whatever doesn't get read in that amount of time doesn't get read. (I find that it usually all gets read if there's a clear boundary!) Do his most taxing intellectual work (reading/writing, usually) at his best times of the day, and save the mindless stuff (grading, sorting citations, entering data, whatever) for the less productive times of the day. Figure out which are the tasks that expand to fill the time available--for new TAs, that tends to be course/lesson planning and grading--and set clear boundaries on how much time to devote to those tasks.

(3) Know that this is just a season. The first semester is universally the hardest. Assuming your spouse is on an assistantship, he's having to adjust to the demands of coursework AND research or teaching. Those are just really big transitions. The remainder of coursework should even out a bit (and then there may be another intense period if he has to take comprehensive exams).

I've been assuming here that he's in a PhD program, but I suspect there are some commonalities with law school, med school, and other professional degrees as well.

[Anonymous]

Carpooling for drop offs and pickups. I would cut down on number of activities sounds like the kids are way over scheduled.

The kids also seem old enough to help with some chores.

Then work with your hubby on creating a schedule he will need breaks from studying as well as solid pieces of time to do his studies having a set schedule might help him study more effectively

[Anonymous]

What program is he in? PhD, MS, law school? Basically, when is the end date? If it's a short accelerated one year masters, I would be more sympathetic. If it's a 5-7 year PhD? Well then you need to set good boundaries now or you're going to end up divorced.

[Anonymous]

Is he working? One of my friends is in a part time masters program and she works. She'll be done in 2 years and will significantly increase her earning power.

For now, her entire salary is diverted to housekeepers/nanny/etc, basically everything in their household is outsourced.

This is the only way I can really envision this working well. There's no way to avoid resentment if one partner wants to check out from contributing to the household and all childcare responsibilities. Sorry, maybe ask him to delay grad school for a few years?

[Anonymous]

He needs to learn to study more efficiently. My DH works full time, has another part time job some weekends a month and is currently in a serious (but distance) phd program. I WOH and we have a baby. The only way this works and reason we decided it could work is that DH gets up at 5 and does a lot of reading before work and after baby bed time and has a short commute. 4-7pm are dedicated family and dinner time and he is very present for that. I take care of dinner and most baby stuff but he still does his laundry and some house work. He is extremely organized and reads very fast and is efficient. Wouldn't work otherwise.
Good luck.

[Anonymous]

I'm in grad school and I'm married with a kid in elementary school. I think you should talk with your husband yo see what he really means. For me, "better study routine" would mean anything from dedicated time to do schoolwork or studying out of the house. It doesn't necessarily mean MORE time, just better use of time, as the professor above explains.

How it works for us is that Saturday afternoons, DH and DD have an outing. It doesn't matter what it is - they get out of the house for 3-4 hours and I use that time for school. Not cleaning. Not taking a bath. Not yoga. Just school. I also try to do the same on Tuesday or Wednesday night because of the timing of due dates in my program. He should think about when he is the most productive and try to get his work done then. For me, I am never as productive as I think in the morning so I don't even plan to do school then. I get a lot done in the evening after DD goes to bed, so I try to work then as much as possible.

Your husband doesn't get a pass on participating in family stuff. He doesn't get a pass on cleaning up his own messes like the PP mentions with the laundry example. What we have done is streamlined our routines a lot. We make time to spend together as a couple and also as a family.

[Anonymous]

I supported our family physically, financially, and emotionally while my husband did a fellowship a plane flight away from where the kids and I were living for just over a year. It is tough, and honestly, I couldn't be there for him emotionally the way I could have if I was single.
My advice to you is just to reassure him that you are committed to him and love him no matter what happens in his graduate program. You can't study for him, but you can be there as his wife.

[Anonymous]

Does he work? How many credits is he taking? Is this a degree that will lead to better employment opportunities?

If he's not working, there's really no excuse for him not to help out with the kids more.

If he's a full time student and he's struggling that much, he needs to cut back on how many classes he is taking.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for the suggestions. To answer some questions. He is in dental school. Classes are set by the school so no wiggle room. The classes are hard and he is only one of two members of his class with children. He does not work since he is really not allowed to. He does help out when he can, and feels terrible when he can't. I will take all of the suggestions you guys have made and talk to him about it. I went through law school with an infant. During that time he was the bread winner but I was primary caretaker. I really don't resent him for pursuing his dream, since his dream was on hold until I finished. We are early 30's so he can't really push it back any farther. I love the suggestions and will let you guys know how he responds .