Supporting your spouse who is in grad school

[Anonymous]

OP, I hope you find a good solution to this problem. Is your DH willing to work on this and make changes in how he studies and takes tests? Have a solemn talk on if he really has the aptitude or grit to right his academic ship. nothing wrong in leaving something if it proves too much or not a right fit for you.

Otherwise if he sticks with it. I agree with PPs: Get all the help you can get including au pair or part time sitter. Take on loans to do this if you have to, since this is temporary. Lower your standards and expectations, automate or cut out all unnecessary obligations and activities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he's in law school and his first semester grades sucked, there's no saving it. You should advise him to drop out now.

Sorry, didn't see that he was in dental school.

Im inclined to think this applies to dental school too. 2 months in with a spouse doing this much and he still can't hack it? He's dead meat.

[Anonymous]

Is he working full or part time? What are his other career obligations? How hard is the coursework and how many classes this semester?

I finished my masters raising my first working full time. It wasn't easy. DH would often ask me how much time I needed on the weekend. I couldn't always answer, because it was overwhelming. Lots of nights burning the midnight oil, but I was still a very active parent. He was also extremely supportive.

If he's unable to handle the load (career, family, school), time to readjust either career or school.

If he's failing, he needs to cut back and realign realistic expectations.

[Anonymous]

OP! Now it's your mom you vent about?

[Anonymous]

So, what happens when he's out of school and trying to build a practice? I see this as just the beginning of a never ending train of you doing 100% of everything for your family and your kids and your resentment will just grow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So, what happens when he's out of school and trying to build a practice? I see this as just the beginning of a never ending train of you doing 100% of everything for your family and your kids and your resentment will just grow.

THis is a good point. My SIL graduated from her dental specialty a year ago, and she's working insane hours to establish herself. They don't have kids yet, and I don't really know how they would manage if they did.

But OP is in the situation she's in, and it's her DH's dream to be a dentist. So they need to find a way to do this. But it can't be that OP takes on everything while DH only pursues his dream. If a parent wants to be in an intense educational program while you have kids, both parents need to compromise and figure out how to make it work. DH may even find that having responsibilities outside of his school makes him a more disciplined student (I know a lot of student-athletes from college who were like this). Basically, you need to find the right division of labor that works for your particular situation and feels good for both of you.

And I'm not ruling out the possibility that for a year or two OP takes on an unreasonable amount of slack. Some programs are classroom-intensive for a couple of years before being clincally-intensive. For students who don't do as well with book-learning, the first years can be tough...but they will get easier when the program becomes more hands-on.

[Anonymous]

DH is a physician and I dated him when he was in med school. DH honored all his classes and graduated at the top of his class. BIL also graduated top of his class at med school. DH found time to hang out with me every night, hung out with friends, be part of multiple school organizations, etc. If it is his first year, his course load is probably heavily focused on science and anatomy. I am sure you DH is rusty compared to his peers who just graduated from college where the prereqs are still fresh in their memories. Some people just have poor study habits. Like others said, if he blocks off a certain number of hours and doesn't use the time wisely, it is a waste. I think he should have plenty of time to help you out a little. Med students do dishes, do their laundry, run errands like normal people whether they have kids or not. DH always had 3 hours daily to eat a meal with me, hang out and have sex. Your DH can find 2-3 hours to help drop off a child or pick up child from lessons or load the dishwasher. He sounds like he is being lazy and not even getting good grades. I would be really annoyed.

Even if you take on more debt, you should outsource more. You could outsource cleaning and a driver. I'm a SAHM and afternoons are still hectic. I don't even work and I have a housekeeper and tutor/babysitter because I can't be in two places at once and it can be difficult juggling multiple children. I have 3 kids.

[Anonymous]

We are friends with a family whose dad is in med school and mom is current sole breadwinner. They used to have an afternoon babysitter and now have an au pair. The dad is doing well in med school and is very involved in the children's lives. When he has exams, he is unavailable but he goes to soccer games on weekends and goes on vacation with kids during breaks. He often cooks dinner. Grad students have to eat too. No reason your DH can't do some daily tasks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP! Now it's your mom you vent about?

Well, yes, because mom was supposed to help with childcare this week while DH was REALLY out of pocket taking his exams. She's frustrated because she had been counting on the evening help as she begins a trial at work. Hell, I'd be overwhelmed if I were OP, too. She's the primary breadwinner AND primary caretaker. Husband has basically said that all he can handle is grad school. That's not okay.