1st grader turning down birthday party invites

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know if this is it for your DS but my DS's anxiety started to rear it's head in 1st grade. He was well liked at school, liked playdates but started to avoid birthday parties and other events where there were larger groups of kids. He also wasn't able to articulate why he didn't want to go. Instead of asking him whether he wanted to go, I told him 'we' were going. He'd ask me if I were staying and I'd say that I wouldn't leave unless he were comfortable. I also gave the hosting mom a heads up. Never had an issue from a host and he outgrew that particular fear by 3rd grade. Now, he does have some other anxiety issues but no longer turns down invitations.

My Ker is like this. She has been anxious in large groups--particularly entering a room full of kids or being the center of attention--since age 2. Luckily now it's pretty mild, but I sometimes try not to get to bday parties, group lessons, etc. late partially for this reason (sometimes she freezes for a sec if the room is packed with kids and they're all paying attention to her when she gets there late).

Not sure if what's going on with OP's kid is necessarily anxiety, but worth probing more to figure out what it could be.

This was one of the first signs of my DS's anxiety as well. Forcing it usually caused a big scene, and later when we realized what an anxious kid he was and how hard events like that were for him, we felt terrible. Birthday parties can be noisy and full of the unpredictable. Does he show any other signs of being anxious?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DS is like this. If it is a relatively small party and someone he considers a good friend, I usually make him go. It's kind of a golden rule thing. If it's a very large party or a kid he doesn't really like, I will let him skip.

Sorry, I should clarify my last sentence. If it is a kid he doesn't like for a valid reason (like the kid is a bully or something), I'll let him skip for that. If it were a kid that he said he didn't like but I considered to be a nice kid, I would probably make him go.

Why would you make him go to a party if he doesn't want to? Parties and other social plans are supposed to be fun, not something to dread or something to endure because it's a requirement. By first grade they're starting to form their own opinions of who they like and who they want to be friends with, not just who parents want them to like.

Because to me it's about being kind to the invitee. My son would be sad if he invited kids he felt were his friends to his party and they couldn't be bothered to come. So if it is someone he considers a friend, and his presence would be missed, I think he should go even if he doesn't really want to go. Doing things you don't necessarily want to do is a large part of life, and supporting your friends is important.

My child is 10, and I know and understand that he has his own opinions about whom he likes. I don't dictate whom he invites to his own party anymore. But if someone else is having a small party and invites him, I will generally encourage him to go even if the kid is not a good friend, unless the kid is really not nice. I just think it's courteous.

[Anonymous]

Sorry, I should clarify my last sentence. If it is a kid he doesn't like for a valid reason (like the kid is a bully or something), I'll let him skip for that. If it were a kid that he said he didn't like but I considered to be a nice kid, I would probably make him go.


Why would you make him go to a party if he doesn't want to? Parties and other social plans are supposed to be fun, not something to dread or something to endure because it's a requirement. By first grade they're starting to form their own opinions of who they like and who they want to be friends with, not just who parents want them to like.

Not OP, but also because little kids' opinions of who they like and no not like change almost daily based upon ridiculous things like a Pokemon card trade.

[Anonymous]

Thanks all. As for the food allergy issue, it is only an issue with the cake and I always bring something for DS like a cupcake. I don't mention it to the hosts because I don't think it's their problem to handle it. Many of our friends who know DS will ask in advance if what they're serving is ok.

I should clarify that he doesn't avoid a party if it's his good friend or if it's something he thinks is cool. He doesn't avoid crowds (he loves theme parks, moon bounce places etc).

I told him that we'd skip this next party but moving forward we are going to commit to more parties and honor those commitments. Just like being a team player with soccer, we need to be a team player with our friends and support them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DS is like this. If it is a relatively small party and someone he considers a good friend, I usually make him go. It's kind of a golden rule thing. If it's a very large party or a kid he doesn't really like, I will let him skip.

Sorry, I should clarify my last sentence. If it is a kid he doesn't like for a valid reason (like the kid is a bully or something), I'll let him skip for that. If it were a kid that he said he didn't like but I considered to be a nice kid, I would probably make him go.

Why would you make him go to a party if he doesn't want to? Parties and other social plans are supposed to be fun, not something to dread or something to endure because it's a requirement. By first grade they're starting to form their own opinions of who they like and who they want to be friends with, not just who parents want them to like.

12:16 here. I make him do things when his refusal is based on fear, not preference. Unless there's something else going on, first graders like any event with cake, goody bags and games even if they aren't friends with the host.

[Anonymous]

Honestly I don't know how to respond. When my kids are invited to bday parties they go. I don't ask if they want to as it creates a power struggle if they knew they could opt out--maybe I want to go to Joey and not Sally that sort of thing. I just think parents today almost create problems.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks all. As for the food allergy issue, it is only an issue with the cake and I always bring something for DS like a cupcake. I don't mention it to the hosts because I don't think it's their problem to handle it. Many of our friends who know DS will ask in advance if what they're serving is ok.

I should clarify that he doesn't avoid a party if it's his good friend or if it's something he thinks is cool. He doesn't avoid crowds (he loves theme parks, moon bounce places etc).

I told him that we'd skip this next party but moving forward we are going to commit to more parties and honor those commitments. Just like being a team player with soccer, we need to be a team player with our friends and support them.

dumb

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly I don't know how to respond. When my kids are invited to bday parties they go. I don't ask if they want to as it creates a power struggle if they knew they could opt out--maybe I want to go to Joey and not Sally that sort of thing. I just think parents today almost create problems.

But that's the point of invitations -- accept the ones you want, and decline the ones you don't. A power struggle? These are optional parties to have a good time with friends, not obligations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DS is like this. If it is a relatively small party and someone he considers a good friend, I usually make him go. It's kind of a golden rule thing. If it's a very large party or a kid he doesn't really like, I will let him skip.

Sorry, I should clarify my last sentence. If it is a kid he doesn't like for a valid reason (like the kid is a bully or something), I'll let him skip for that. If it were a kid that he said he didn't like but I considered to be a nice kid, I would probably make him go.

Why would you make him go to a party if he doesn't want to? Parties and other social plans are supposed to be fun, not something to dread or something to endure because it's a requirement. By first grade they're starting to form their own opinions of who they like and who they want to be friends with, not just who parents want them to like.

12:16 here. I make him do things when his refusal is based on fear, not preference. Unless there's something else going on, first graders like any event with cake, goody bags and games even if they aren't friends with the host.

Not the case for 2 out of my 3 kids who are past that age. They had definite preferences as to how they wanted to spend their time, and who with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks all. As for the food allergy issue, it is only an issue with the cake and I always bring something for DS like a cupcake. I don't mention it to the hosts because I don't think it's their problem to handle it. Many of our friends who know DS will ask in advance if what they're serving is ok.

I should clarify that he doesn't avoid a party if it's his good friend or if it's something he thinks is cool. He doesn't avoid crowds (he loves theme parks, moon bounce places etc).

I told him that we'd skip this next party but moving forward we are going to commit to more parties and honor those commitments. Just like being a team player with soccer, we need to be a team player with our friends and support them.

dumb

Care to explain why I'm "dumb?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DS is like this. If it is a relatively small party and someone he considers a good friend, I usually make him go. It's kind of a golden rule thing. If it's a very large party or a kid he doesn't really like, I will let him skip.

Sorry, I should clarify my last sentence. If it is a kid he doesn't like for a valid reason (like the kid is a bully or something), I'll let him skip for that. If it were a kid that he said he didn't like but I considered to be a nice kid, I would probably make him go.

Why would you make him go to a party if he doesn't want to? Parties and other social plans are supposed to be fun, not something to dread or something to endure because it's a requirement. By first grade they're starting to form their own opinions of who they like and who they want to be friends with, not just who parents want them to like.

12:16 here. I make him do things when his refusal is based on fear, not preference. Unless there's something else going on, first graders like any event with cake, goody bags and games even if they aren't friends with the host.

Not the case for 2 out of my 3 kids who are past that age. They had definite preferences as to how they wanted to spend their time, and who with.

Thanks pp. I want to be respectful of DS' free time. If he'd rather be at home spending time with his family vs a birthday party at a place he doesn't enjoy, why would I force that? Of course, if he says he'll go and then changes his mind, he's got no choice but to go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks all. As for the food allergy issue, it is only an issue with the cake and I always bring something for DS like a cupcake. I don't mention it to the hosts because I don't think it's their problem to handle it. Many of our friends who know DS will ask in advance if what they're serving is ok.

I should clarify that he doesn't avoid a party if it's his good friend or if it's something he thinks is cool. He doesn't avoid crowds (he loves theme parks, moon bounce places etc).

I told him that we'd skip this next party but moving forward we are going to commit to more parties and honor those commitments. Just like being a team player with soccer, we need to be a team player with our friends and support them.

dumb

Care to explain why I'm "dumb?"

I'm not the one who posted that and I wouldn't have put it that way, but I do agree that what you posted is something I would consider odd and ill-advised. It's making friendships into obligations, and time with friends into yet another required commitment to do no matter how you feel about it. I don't think most people would want a kid to come to their party because he feels like he has to -- it would just be awkward and not particularly fun for anyone. Personally, I'm trying to instill in my kids the difference between a friendship and a social obligation (yes, I acknowledge that both exist but for young kids there are relatively few true social obligations) and I doubt they would want either obligatory invitations or obligatory acceptances.

[Anonymous]

It's making friendships into obligations, and time with friends into yet another required commitment to do no matter how you feel about it. I don't think most people would want a kid to come to their party because he feels like he has to -- it would just be awkward and not particularly fun for anyone. Personally, I'm trying to instill in my kids the difference between a friendship and a social obligation (yes, I acknowledge that both exist but for young kids there are relatively few true social obligations) and I doubt they would want either obligatory invitations or obligatory acceptances.

Friendships DO entail social obligations, though. My best friend, who I adore, was hosting a fundraiser for a charity she really cares about this weekend. Did I feel like driving an hour to Maryland to attend this event. No. Did I do it anyway because I love my friend and I support her? Of course.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

It's making friendships into obligations, and time with friends into yet another required commitment to do no matter how you feel about it. I don't think most people would want a kid to come to their party because he feels like he has to -- it would just be awkward and not particularly fun for anyone. Personally, I'm trying to instill in my kids the difference between a friendship and a social obligation (yes, I acknowledge that both exist but for young kids there are relatively few true social obligations) and I doubt they would want either obligatory invitations or obligatory acceptances.

Friendships DO entail social obligations, though. My best friend, who I adore, was hosting a fundraiser for a charity she really cares about this weekend. Did I feel like driving an hour to Maryland to attend this event. No. Did I do it anyway because I love my friend and I support her? Of course.

I'm the PP you quoted. That's not an obligation. Based on what you wrote above, no one required you to do that or put you in a situation you couldn't refuse. You weighed the options and decided to attend the event because something about it (likely time with the friend and investing in that relationship) was worth it to you. That's friendship. Totally different from an authority figure *insisting* you attend the event when maybe you didn't care that much about the particular person organizing it; in that situation your attendance would be meaningless and you would likely resent it.

[Anonymous]

Friendships DO entail social obligations, though. My best friend, who I adore, was hosting a fundraiser for a charity she really cares about this weekend. Did I feel like driving an hour to Maryland to attend this event. No. Did I do it anyway because I love my friend and I support her? Of course.


I'm the PP you quoted. That's not an obligation. Based on what you wrote above, no one required you to do that or put you in a situation you couldn't refuse. You weighed the options and decided to attend the event because something about it (likely time with the friend and investing in that relationship) was worth it to you. That's friendship. Totally different from an authority figure *insisting* you attend the event when maybe you didn't care that much about the particular person organizing it; in that situation your attendance would be meaningless and you would likely resent it.

That's true, no one can really make me do anything except possibly the police or the military, because I'm a grown woman and can exercise judgment about what is appropriate and just. Not so with my 6 year old. I would not compel him to go to a party of a child he wasn't friends with, but I absolutely would compel him to go to the party of a friend, even if he wasn't in the mood for it. Our family's values are that you support your friends.