1st grader turning down birthday party invites

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks all. As for the food allergy issue, it is only an issue with the cake and I always bring something for DS like a cupcake. I don't mention it to the hosts because I don't think it's their problem to handle it. Many of our friends who know DS will ask in advance if what they're serving is ok.

I should clarify that he doesn't avoid a party if it's his good friend or if it's something he thinks is cool. He doesn't avoid crowds (he loves theme parks, moon bounce places etc).

I told him that we'd skip this next party but moving forward we are going to commit to more parties and honor those commitments. Just like being a team player with soccer, we need to be a team player with our friends and support them.

dumb

Care to explain why I'm "dumb?"

I wasn't calling *you* dumb, I was calling your conclusion dumb. If your son states from the outset that he doesn't want to attend a party, why would you make him go? All children don't enjoy every party and some need down time. An invitation is just that, not a requirement to attend.

[Anonymous]

My first reaction is also that he's intimidated by crowds and he's more comfortable with smaller groups.

But another thing to consider (and possibly talk to him about) is whether there is a person in common that he's avoiding. We had a problem with our son claiming not to want to go to some parties, but we figured out he was avoiding invitations from classmates because there is one classmate that he doesn't get along with. After discussing the situation with his teacher, she said she would keep an eye on our son's interactions and sure enough she was able to resolve different communication styles between the two boys. Once she started to pay attention, his issues with classmate birthday parties went away.

This is in pre-k, so a little younger than OP's child, but might still be worth looking into if you can't find other issues.

[Anonymous]

Does this sound bad? - We tell our kid you go because you are there to support that person's birthday. How would you like it if you have a party and no one shows up? You don't have to go to all of them but you need to select a few. You can't refuse all of them.

[Anonymous]

I don't think your son's reasons are BS. I think they're valid reasons why he doesn't feel like going to a party. My 1st grader will turn down birthday party invites if he doesn't like the location or it's a day when he has other activities, too. I think it's just a sign that your kid is learning to evaluate whether he'll enjoy the party and then making a decision rather than just accepting all social invitations. Just let him be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does this sound bad? - We tell our kid you go because you are there to support that person's birthday. How would you like it if you have a party and no one shows up? You don't have to go to all of them but you need to select a few. You can't refuse all of them.

I really feel strongly about not teaching kids the concept of social obligation when it comes to some random kid in their class. Family, yes. Kids at school, no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly I don't know how to respond. When my kids are invited to bday parties they go. I don't ask if they want to as it creates a power struggle if they knew they could opt out--maybe I want to go to Joey and not Sally that sort of thing. I just think parents today almost create problems.

Yes, parents today create problems by hosting a party every year and inviting almost everyone they know. If my kid was invited to only a handful of parties a year for close friends, he would probably go. But he gets invited to easily 20-25 parties a year for current classmates, former classmates, friends from outside of school, etc. It's exhausting and I let him decide which ones to attend.

[Anonymous]

We go to every birthday party we are invited to because I hate these stories about no one showing up to some poor child's party, usually with autism or some other disability. We also bring our own food because of allergies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does this sound bad? - We tell our kid you go because you are there to support that person's birthday. How would you like it if you have a party and no one shows up? You don't have to go to all of them but you need to select a few. You can't refuse all of them.

I really feel strongly about not teaching kids the concept of social obligation when it comes to some random kid in their class. Family, yes. Kids at school, no.

I think less of you then.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does this sound bad? - We tell our kid you go because you are there to support that person's birthday. How would you like it if you have a party and no one shows up? You don't have to go to all of them but you need to select a few. You can't refuse all of them.

I really feel strongly about not teaching kids the concept of social obligation when it comes to some random kid in their class. Family, yes. Kids at school, no.

I think less of you then.

Really? NP here who totally agrees with that stance. You don't owe social obligations of hanging out outside of class to people just because you happened to end up in the same classroom. Relationships should be mutually desired and mutually fulfilling in some way. My kids have each had years where there were one or a few classmates that they really didn't get on with, and I would never force them to have or pretend to have a friendship with those kids outside of school. The social obligation that they owe to their classmates is to be a polite good citizen in the classroom.

[Anonymous]

Really? NP here who totally agrees with that stance. You don't owe social obligations of hanging out outside of class to people just because you happened to end up in the same classroom. Relationships should be mutually desired and mutually fulfilling in some way. My kids have each had years where there were one or a few classmates that they really didn't get on with, and I would never force them to have or pretend to have a friendship with those kids outside of school. The social obligation that they owe to their classmates is to be a polite good citizen in the classroom.

Not PP and I don't take any issue with that. But I do take issues with the previous poster or posters who seem to be suggesting that kids never have social obligations at all, even to actual friends. I think kids are obligated to go to a friend's party absent some unusual circumstance (e.g. it is a laser tag party and kid is terrified of the dark) to support and celebrate their friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does this sound bad? - We tell our kid you go because you are there to support that person's birthday. How would you like it if you have a party and no one shows up? You don't have to go to all of them but you need to select a few. You can't refuse all of them.

I really feel strongly about not teaching kids the concept of social obligation when it comes to some random kid in their class. Family, yes. Kids at school, no.

I think less of you then.

That's fine. My confidence level and parenting style are not impacted by your opinion of me. You and yours have a blast at 26 birthday parties per school year, with half of those for kids you couldn't pick out a line-up, if that is what works for your family. For ours, we're happy to have our kids decline all but the handful of parties they really want to go to (because those are relationships they really value).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ask him why he doesn't want to go.

Most kids love birthday parties! Especially if he's a social kid otherwise, it sounds like there's something going on. I wouldn't force him to go to any birthday parties though.

No. Not all kids love birthday parties. Some find them overwhelming. We ask my son before we RSVP, but we also talk him into saying yes. Ypu may want to consider making your child go. he may actually dislike them for awhile.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ask him why he doesn't want to go.

Most kids love birthday parties! Especially if he's a social kid otherwise, it sounds like there's something going on. I wouldn't force him to go to any birthday parties though.

No. Not all kids love birthday parties. Some find them overwhelming. We ask my son before we RSVP, but we also talk him into saying yes. Ypu may want to consider making your child go. he may actually dislike them for awhile.

Why talk him into it or make him go? It's not worth putting a young kid into an uncomfortable situation or making him miserable... it's a party that's supposed to be fun.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't make him go. If the party is for a kid that he's good friends with, then there is an argument that he should go because that's part of what you do as a friend. But it sounds like he does want to go to those parties. But someone that just happens to be in the same class, that he's not especially close to? If he doesn't want to go, I don't see the issue. If it's a small party, then it might be a closer call, but an all-class party for someone he's not really friends with--fine to skip.

[Anonymous]

Win Win. let him stay home.