1st grader turning down birthday party invites

[Anonymous]

DS is a very social kid- he loves playdates and is well liked at school but in the last six months, he's consistently turned down most birthday party invitations. My rule is that, if he commits to it, he goes. But, lately I've been asking him if he wants to go before I rsvp and he usually says no. He does have food allergies and I wonder if this has something to do with it?

Would you push the issue with him and force him to go or just let it be?

[Anonymous]

Do you at least ask him why he doesn't want to go? From you post it didn't sound like you did.

[Anonymous]

Ask him why he doesn't want to go.

Most kids love birthday parties! Especially if he's a social kid otherwise, it sounds like there's something going on. I wouldn't force him to go to any birthday parties though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you at least ask him why he doesn't want to go? From you post it didn't sound like you did.

Yes. He'll say that he doesn't like the place they're having it or that he's going to be too tired that day (for example, if it's on a day that he has soccer in the morning etc.). The responses are B.S.- if I asked him if he wanted to go on a playdate with the birthday kid, I'm sure he'd say yes. There's just something about parties that he's not into these days. I'll have to sit down with him and see if I can get to the bottom of it.

[Anonymous]

Some people aren't into parties. I wouldn't push it or force him to go.

[Anonymous]

I don't know if this is it for your DS but my DS's anxiety started to rear it's head in 1st grade. He was well liked at school, liked playdates but started to avoid birthday parties and other events where there were larger groups of kids. He also wasn't able to articulate why he didn't want to go. Instead of asking him whether he wanted to go, I told him 'we' were going. He'd ask me if I were staying and I'd say that I wouldn't leave unless he were comfortable. I also gave the hosting mom a heads up. Never had an issue from a host and he outgrew that particular fear by 3rd grade. Now, he does have some other anxiety issues but no longer turns down invitations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you at least ask him why he doesn't want to go? From you post it didn't sound like you did.

Yes. He'll say that he doesn't like the place they're having it or that he's going to be too tired that day (for example, if it's on a day that he has soccer in the morning etc.). The responses are B.S.- if I asked him if he wanted to go on a playdate with the birthday kid, I'm sure he'd say yes. There's just something about parties that he's not into these days. I'll have to sit down with him and see if I can get to the bottom of it.

There's a big difference between a play date and a birthday party, OP. Maybe there's some issue with a kid in the class and your son wants to avoid that? Or maybe he just would rather have a play date with one friend rather than the whole class.

[Anonymous]

I think it is fine. My kid is 7 and he does not like places that are noisy or disorganized. So that means that stuff like birthday parties are tough for him. He plays fine one on one with other kids. I just let him alone, if he doesn't want to go that is fine.

[Anonymous]

My DS is like this. If it is a relatively small party and someone he considers a good friend, I usually make him go. It's kind of a golden rule thing. If it's a very large party or a kid he doesn't really like, I will let him skip.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DS is like this. If it is a relatively small party and someone he considers a good friend, I usually make him go. It's kind of a golden rule thing. If it's a very large party or a kid he doesn't really like, I will let him skip.

Sorry, I should clarify my last sentence. If it is a kid he doesn't like for a valid reason (like the kid is a bully or something), I'll let him skip for that. If it were a kid that he said he didn't like but I considered to be a nice kid, I would probably make him go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know if this is it for your DS but my DS's anxiety started to rear it's head in 1st grade. He was well liked at school, liked playdates but started to avoid birthday parties and other events where there were larger groups of kids. He also wasn't able to articulate why he didn't want to go. Instead of asking him whether he wanted to go, I told him 'we' were going. He'd ask me if I were staying and I'd say that I wouldn't leave unless he were comfortable. I also gave the hosting mom a heads up. Never had an issue from a host and he outgrew that particular fear by 3rd grade. Now, he does have some other anxiety issues but no longer turns down invitations.

My Ker is like this. She has been anxious in large groups--particularly entering a room full of kids or being the center of attention--since age 2. Luckily now it's pretty mild, but I sometimes try not to get to bday parties, group lessons, etc. late partially for this reason (sometimes she freezes for a sec if the room is packed with kids and they're all paying attention to her when she gets there late).

Not sure if what's going on with OP's kid is necessarily anxiety, but worth probing more to figure out what it could be.

[Anonymous]

My first grade DS recently turned down a birthday party invite from a kid in class.

He's very social and well-liked too but I do think the huge parties where he's not sure who is even going to be there give him some social anxiety. And he's pretty busy once the school year starts. He told me he'd rather just play around the house. and have some downtime.

Not a big deal, I don't think.

[Anonymous]

My daughter, the biggest extrovert to ever extrovert, used to cry if people sang happy birthday to her at her birthday parties. From about 4-8. I think the attention on her was too intense or something.

She grew out of it.

Can your son eat the pizza and cake served? He may not want to deal with "Why aren't you eating cake?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DS is like this. If it is a relatively small party and someone he considers a good friend, I usually make him go. It's kind of a golden rule thing. If it's a very large party or a kid he doesn't really like, I will let him skip.

Sorry, I should clarify my last sentence. If it is a kid he doesn't like for a valid reason (like the kid is a bully or something), I'll let him skip for that. If it were a kid that he said he didn't like but I considered to be a nice kid, I would probably make him go.

Why would you make him go to a party if he doesn't want to? Parties and other social plans are supposed to be fun, not something to dread or something to endure because it's a requirement. By first grade they're starting to form their own opinions of who they like and who they want to be friends with, not just who parents want them to like.

[Anonymous]

If the food allergies are an issue, do you mention it? We do paper invites to force parents to RSVP directly and that is the first thing I respond with. We are happy to work with any food allergies or picky eating and make sure the allergy food is not there (in less its cake, which is hard to do).