DH and I both lost parents recently - feeling like we are in a "grief contest"

[Anonymous]

I'm going to go out on a limb here and perhaps others will shoot me down or show me why this isn't so.

From what you describe, this "grief contest" centered around the funeral and two things happened:

1. Your husband asked that the viewing take place in a different room from his mom's viewing.
2. Your FIL walked in supported by relatives and was crying and somewhat over the top.

OP, I'm not surprised by any of this and I don't see your level of anger as, well, appropriate. It wouldn't have surprised me if your husband asked to have the service at a completely different funeral home, and that wouldn't have been inappropriate in any way, in my opinion. Why would you not accommodate that? And more importantly, why do you see that as somehow attention-getting or manipulative on his part? Ditto his father's behavior. The entry into the funeral home was in reality the onset of a freshening of the experience of his wife's funeral. You seem to view this as him putting on a show, moreover, him putting on a show when it was your family's turn in the spotlight.

OP, funerals are not staged events with spotlight moments and attention due to the grieving family. They are raw emotional events. The fact that your father was extremely elderly and his death was not a surprise nor was it particularly hard for you makes you kind of immune to the flavor of grief your inlaws are experiencing and continue to experience. In fact, you sound a little jealous. And you sound a little mean.

You may, in fact, have to give more to your husband right now than you get from him in terms of your father's death. Because an empty well cannot provide water. That's what marriage is all about. Sometimes you have to keep going even when you feel like you didn't get quite what you were supposed to in terms of attention from your spouse. Next year, you will be the one to get more attention.

[Anonymous]

I get it OP. I had a huge blowout with SIL on the night before my mother's funeral; there were a lot of underlying issues, but for various reasons it felt like she was trying to take over the event. It got pretty ugly. I don't recommend that! We had a frosty relationship for a while and reconciled a year or so later.

Keep reminding yourself about what really matters here: your dad. Let every other thing roll off you right now, and try not to stew in resentment. Your husband isn't trying to disregard your grief, nor is his father; they're just in their own rough place right now. Everything will get better with time. Sounds silly but it's true. My SIL did something recently that reminded me of the funeral episode, and I had to consciously tell myself: nothing she does takes away anything from me. And getting angry at my SIL over what is (at this point) clearly a totally unintentional slight doesn't make me feel any less sad about losing my mother.

[Anonymous]

Urban dictionary has a term called "sympathy whore" someone who inserts themselves in other people's sorrow and makes it all about them super annoying. I just ignore. It seems like all you had to do was arrange the viewing room to accommodate. Not too bad for a sympathy whore but definitely a deflection from you and I can see why you are annoyed. I'm sorry for your loss

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm going to go out on a limb here and perhaps others will shoot me down or show me why this isn't so.

From what you describe, this "grief contest" centered around the funeral and two things happened:

1. Your husband asked that the viewing take place in a different room from his mom's viewing.
2. Your FIL walked in supported by relatives and was crying and somewhat over the top.

OP, I'm not surprised by any of this and I don't see your level of anger as, well, appropriate. It wouldn't have surprised me if your husband asked to have the service at a completely different funeral home, and that wouldn't have been inappropriate in any way, in my opinion. Why would you not accommodate that? And more importantly, why do you see that as somehow attention-getting or manipulative on his part? Ditto his father's behavior. The entry into the funeral home was in reality the onset of a freshening of the experience of his wife's funeral. You seem to view this as him putting on a show, moreover, him putting on a show when it was your family's turn in the spotlight.

OP, funerals are not staged events with spotlight moments and attention due to the grieving family. They are raw emotional events. The fact that your father was extremely elderly and his death was not a surprise nor was it particularly hard for you makes you kind of immune to the flavor of grief your inlaws are experiencing and continue to experience. In fact, you sound a little jealous. And you sound a little mean.

You may, in fact, have to give more to your husband right now than you get from him in terms of your father's death. Because an empty well cannot provide water. That's what marriage is all about. Sometimes you have to keep going even when you feel like you didn't get quite what you were supposed to in terms of attention from your spouse. Next year, you will be the one to get more attention.

This. I mean this as kindly as possible because you are grieving and that tends to trigger all manner of responses. It seems you are the only one viewing this as a competition. 6 months isn't really that long. In fact it's around the time it really hits you that your loved one is gone. Unless there is a history you are not sharing I don't think your FIl was putting on a show.
As you know grief sucks and really messes with you and people react in different ways. Sorry for your loss. You and your family be kind and forgiving to each other sounds like it's been a terrible year for everyone. Hugs

[Anonymous]

Sorry for your loss OP. I'm someone who grieves quietly and privately and because I seem put together on the outside people seem to assume I don't need any support but that's not true. The way you're talking about your father's passing in such a rational way, you sound like me, but I bet you're still in a lot of pain. I find that grieving is a time when people are at their least self-aware and it can really be infuriating. It's shocking when people who expect others to bend over backwards for them (and me, put together person, I'm always doing the bending) and they do nothing to reciprocate when you're in need. At this point I just take it as a truism and try not to hold a grudge for the way people behave when they're grieving. Hopefully you can do the same. I do think you can say something to your DH though without making a big deal. Just somethig like look, I know the circumstances are really different and I don't want to compare our losses, but I am still sad and I could use a little extra support right now. Your family really deserves a vacation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm going to go out on a limb here and perhaps others will shoot me down or show me why this isn't so.

From what you describe, this "grief contest" centered around the funeral and two things happened:

1. Your husband asked that the viewing take place in a different room from his mom's viewing.
2. Your FIL walked in supported by relatives and was crying and somewhat over the top.

OP, I'm not surprised by any of this and I don't see your level of anger as, well, appropriate. It wouldn't have surprised me if your husband asked to have the service at a completely different funeral home, and that wouldn't have been inappropriate in any way, in my opinion. Why would you not accommodate that? And more importantly, why do you see that as somehow attention-getting or manipulative on his part? Ditto his father's behavior. The entry into the funeral home was in reality the onset of a freshening of the experience of his wife's funeral. You seem to view this as him putting on a show, moreover, him putting on a show when it was your family's turn in the spotlight.

OP, funerals are not staged events with spotlight moments and attention due to the grieving family. They are raw emotional events. The fact that your father was extremely elderly and his death was not a surprise nor was it particularly hard for you makes you kind of immune to the flavor of grief your inlaws are experiencing and continue to experience. In fact, you sound a little jealous. And you sound a little mean.

You may, in fact, have to give more to your husband right now than you get from him in terms of your father's death. Because an empty well cannot provide water. That's what marriage is all about. Sometimes you have to keep going even when you feel like you didn't get quite what you were supposed to in terms of attention from your spouse. Next year, you will be the one to get more attention.

This is OP: you have NO right to tell me that my father's death was not hard for me. I never said that and you have no right to imply that. My husband and i are the same age but our parents were very different ages so we lost parents at the exact same stages in our life. Just because my dad died "old" doesnt't mean I didn't lose him or that it wasn't hard for me. It wasn't a shock, I will grant you that, and MILs death was, but my father was the nicest man you would ever want to meet and I miss him terribly. Don't call me jealous. Don't call me mean. I actually lost BOTH a father and a MIL in 6 months. And I have said NOTHING to FIL or DH about this so how can that be mean??

As for the funeral parlor, there's only one game in town, so we had to go with the one MIL was in. I moved the room but thought to myself "why do we need to accomodate someone else right now when it's all I can do to keep my shit together"?

Thank you to the rest of you who are offering support. I have other outlets (sisters) to share my feelings and grief.

[Anonymous]

OP here again: I should have also pointed out that in order to move my father's viewing to the other room in the funeral parlor, we had to ask a family who was already scheduled to be in there to switch with us - the "other" room was already booked which was why we ended up in my "MIL's room". I had to go back to the funeral parlor and ask the funeral director to call some random family (who were also experiencing a loss) to ask if they could switch with me, all to accomodate my father in law.

[Anonymous]

Ignore those posters, OP-you did nothing wrong (which one would think would go without saying!)

I'm very sorry for your loss. If it continues to be an issue perhaps an aside to your husband is in order: acknowledge the fact that he's still grieving then a come to Jesus meeting if he's not "letting" you grieve or recognizing how fresh this is for you. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

I get the feeling anger is much easier for you than pain. That's just how grief works sometimes.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry for your loss OP.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry OP. That really sucks.

[Anonymous]

Grief is a weird thing. I really respect when people go away and do it in private. Having to do the public grieving show with all the public tears and crying is just not my bag, so I see it is very dramatic and attention seeking. I know that's not the case, and some people are just having a hard time. But this would fester for me too.

If you have any good friend you can talk to about this just to blow off the steam and say the mean stuff and get through it please do. You will feel so much better.

When my mom passed my father would corner eVERYONE and randomly come out with details about her passing and her death. Her death was sudden, and not the kind of thing you would get into with random service people, but yet he did. When we grieved-as adult children, he told us all that that was different we should expect a parent to pass away and get over it but he shouldn't have expected a spouse to pass away. (??) He overshared with everyone and even in grief group therapy wanted to argue with the other grieving people about who felt the most pain and that they never felt the pain he felt etc. etc. it was a real contest for him. Still annoys the shit out of Us and We know my mother would've been disgusted.

But being able to share the eye rolling with someone really makes a difference.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry for what you're going through, OP. I can understand being annoyed at the things you mention. But death is really hard for *everyone* and, I'm sure you know, small things are going to seem larger to you right now because of your own grief. I think things like the funeral home room, and your FIL's behavior, while annoying, will pass with time. It's the kind of thing to rand on an anonymous online forum about, or to a good friend.

But is your DH supporting you as you grieve? Or is he MIA after you supported him? That may be the real issue here. You should be gentle with yourself, and DH, but he needs to be responsive to your feelings too. If he's not, perhaps you could find some positive and productive way to express that, not a blaming way like "you're so focused on yourself, that you don't do X" but more like "DH, I know you are grieving too, and this is a hard time for both of us, but in my grief it would really help me if you could do X." Condolences.

[Anonymous]

I think what you really have here OP is two very sad events and a time when you and your DH and your FIL would have expected/received/gotten support and understanding is being clouded by ALL of you going through big losses. At all other times I would suspect you would have gotten the understanding and support you all need but all of you have needs now and little space to help the other. An expected loss and a sudden loss are two different events but for those who suffer the loss - the loss is huge and gradations aren't possible. I agree too with the PP who said that not only is 6 months - especially with an unexpected loss - not very long and around the time that the reality is setting in but no one gets to set a time limit on the length of grief - that is just not fair. You were very kind to change rooms and do everything else that you did but don't let your FIL or DH's inability to focus on your grief get in the way of your own loss: I would guess it is distracting you on some level from your own deep loss. Your loss is deep and again - no one else has a right to tell you how deep and earth shattering your loss was ( so sorry) nor can one loss be judged as more tragic. Be easy on yourself, forgive the lackings of the rest.

[Anonymous]

I feel like your husband should win the grief contest, based on the info you gave. Just my opinion.