DH and I both lost parents recently - feeling like we are in a "grief contest"

[Anonymous]

My MIL died a bit over 6 months ago, very suddenly. She was young (70) and this was totally unexpected. DH and his father/sister were devastated, understandably so. They are a very tight family and I have been doing my best to be supportive but they're grieving and grieving hard. Lots of phone calls, lots of tears, a lot of need to be together for moments like her birthday, Mother's Day, etc and it's been hard for them (and for me, too, I'll be honest).

So my dad died 2 weeks ago. Much different - he was 90, frail health, not the quality of life he'd wanted.. overall, more peaceful death, but still a death. And I am finding myself angry at my in laws for how they handled it. We grew up in a small town so everyone knows each other, and our parents are/were friendly. But I had to bend over backwards to accomodate FIL's feelings when it came to the funeral: DH asked that we ensure my Dad wasn't in the same viewing room at the Funeral Home that his mom had been in ("too hard for my Dad to go back in there"), which I did. Then at the wake, his father had to be walked in, supported on both sides by his daughter and sister in law, crying, etc... all because it was the 6 month anniversay of MIL's passing, NOT because of my Dad. He got lots of attention, lots of sympathy, etc. And I find myself irrationally angry over it. It was my Dad, his wake, and instead it turned into the "FIL Show".

I am so angry but I can't say anything to DH - emotions are just too raw for them still. But I lost my Dad, too...

[Anonymous]

Hugs op. Grief is so blinding and everyone is different. Your DH and family seem to be needy grievers - not a dog just the way they are and needing to be emotional in public. I totally understand how that's difficult for you now with the passing of your father. Id give your DH a little more time but also say how you understand his sadness but that you also need support and that you'd like for him to try to be there for you as well as his family. You are also his family and you are in pain. You can't say anything about how he is dealing with it but you can certainly say what you need from him for yourself. That's fair play.

[Anonymous]

That sucks, OP. So sorry about your dad. Hopefully your dh will step up.

[Anonymous]

So sorry.

[Anonymous]

I recently had a death in the family and it brought out the worst in some people. I now avoid one of my aunts because of the selfish way she is acting. It's easier to do because she lives far away.
Allow yourself to grieve in your own way. Do you have a sibling or friend you could confide in?

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry op. Not the same thing, but my unpleasant mil insisted on coming to my dads funeral, and was just horrible at the lunch afterwards. It's one of the largest memories of that day for me, and I'm still angry that that incident looms so large instead of the proper memorialization of my sweet father.

I get it op - if he wasn't up to being supportive of you and your family, it probably would have been better if he didn't go to the wake or service. Hugs. Do you have a BFF you can vent to or spend some time with? Maybe another outlet or place of support would give you the right space to process your grief.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you feel like you cannot express your grief because of,your husband's grief. I would go to counseling and let your spouse know why.

I do think different losses are perceived differently. You are still entitled to your grief how simple it is.

[Anonymous]

Gosh. That is hard. I'm sorry about your dad.

It sounds like all of you could maybe use some grief counseling to move forward?

[Anonymous]

Something similar happened with DH and me when we were engaged. His father died of cancer in December, then my grandfather (who raised me half the time) died in March. I felt like there was no room for my grief. It caused resentments that festered for YEARS. Deal with this now, it's important.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry about your dad, OP, and that you're feeling like you need to take care of a lot of other people's feelings as you grieve. Unexpected or not, a loss is still a loss and you deserve just as much kindness as you're giving your husband and his family. You were very kind to accommodate those requests. Agree with PPs who have said some are more needy in their grief, and that this can sometimes bring out the worst in people. I hope you and your husband can both find some peace.

[Anonymous]

I'm really sorry, OP. I've lost both my parents, both suddenly and both in their 60s. Both ways are difficult beyond measure we had no prolonged sickness, no medical procedures, but the shock is like nothing I've ever experienced or hope to again. Be kind to each other.

[Anonymous]

Funeralzilla.

People can grieve for years, I get that and I've done it, but that does not excuse them from societal expectations indefinitely. You don't appear at a wake/funeral and make a show of your grief over someone else who died months ago. If you need to grieve without restraint there's no shame in that, but do it elsewhere.

Death of a loved one does not mean your feelings trump everyone else's forevermore.

Sorry for your loss OP.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am really sorry for your loss and for your in-law's conduct. I think grief counseling for you sounds like an excellent idea, and I hope you can find some peace.

[Anonymous]

Say something to DH and then disengage from your ILs for awhile. Let DH go over solo more. And ask him to devote some time to you--get away for a long weekend.

[Anonymous]

Death is hard regardless of age or how well a life was lived. I am sorry you are dealing with this but everyone does grieve differently -- give them the space they need and just let it go.

Like PPs have said, funerals bring out the worst in people. Having lost both parents at early ages I can't even tell you the odd things people have said or done at both of my parents funerals. My siblings included! There are so many things I have had to just let go because the anger will eat at you and make you unhappy. Give yourself time to grieve too.