How did you work towards having a good co-parenting relationship with your ex?

[Anonymous]

Solely written communication has really helped. If he starts he said/she said, I just refer to the earlier text or email. It's harder for him to bluster and rage when he sees written evidence I'm right. Handling things in writing also gives me a much needed delay to cool off if he's pushed my buttons. Sometimes I know my answer to a ridiculous request will be no, but I'll say that I need time to think about it or to consult my calendar. That way, he feels like I take all his requests seriously and value all his opinions. He has mental illness so he's very paranoid that he's being disregarded or disrespected. In return, I'm ultra polite if I have to ask him to switch a date, return a missing item, or check on a late CS payment. I apologize for bothering him and try to offer 2-3 options. Again, his ego really needs this and without a careful approach, he will start raging that I'm trying to control him. While a normal person would not flip over a text to please look for DC's hoodie, he sees this as a criticism and an attempt to interfere with his life. So I phrase it as "DC thinks the red hoodie is in your car. If you can't run out to peek for it right now, do you mind if we drive over to see if DC can spot it through the window?" He's so paranoid that he'd rather look for it himself than have us near his home outside of the schedule.
It's all a lot of time and energy, but it has worked while other strategies didn't. Everything goes much smoother in terms of visits and finances this way.

[Anonymous]

My ex dh is always talking about why can't we be more friendly and cooperative. But what he really wants is for me to pick up his slack, tolerate his flakiness, and accommodate his ever-changing work schedule. And he has no intention of doing the same for me. That is wife shit and now that I'm not the wife I have no intention of doing it. He wants to have his divorce and the support and flexibility of an intact family both.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a second wife whose husband could not be more distanced from his ex, I say "be cool and not controlling". His ex has tried so hard over the years to tell him what he "needs to do" and "do such and such right now" and "do not do such and such again" so much demanding and controlling stuff that it's ridiculous.

People need to realize they can't control the other person or what they do on their time or as a parent once they get divorced. Unclench, be cool, and I think the relationship will follow.

So true. I have repeatedly encouraged my ex husband to be a good father. I have said things like, "on days when you have custody don't make plans with your wife and leave the kids alone at home.". I have also said, "when they are with you and they are sick you need to take care of them, and, if necessary, give them medicine or take them to the doctor."

It's all very controlling of me. I have realized that I can't make my ex-husband or his wife do anything. As wife#2 says above, I have stopped making any efforts, and the relationship between ex-husband and new wife and kids has followed.

Unfortunately for the kids, the relationship is a bad one. They now view him as irresponsible and unreliable. They think she is loopy. Both kids make excuses not to see them.

I have realized I can't control my ex. I focus on fostering the best relationship I can among the people I trust and do have some "control" over - me, my kids, my family and my friends. Fortunately that seems to be enough.

I maintain strong boundaries with my ex-husband - stick to the schedule, keep discussion to a minimum, and speak courteously. Depend only on myself and those whom I know to be trustworthy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a second wife whose husband could not be more distanced from his ex, I say "be cool and not controlling". His ex has tried so hard over the years to tell him what he "needs to do" and "do such and such right now" and "do not do such and such again" so much demanding and controlling stuff that it's ridiculous.

People need to realize they can't control the other person or what they do on their time or as a parent once they get divorced. Unclench, be cool, and I think the relationship will follow.

So true. I have repeatedly encouraged my ex husband to be a good father. I have said things like, "on days when you have custody don't make plans with your wife and leave the kids alone at home.". I have also said, "when they are with you and they are sick you need to take care of them, and, if necessary, give them medicine or take them to the doctor."

It's all very controlling of me. I have realized that I can't make my ex-husband or his wife do anything. As wife#2 says above, I have stopped making any efforts, and the relationship between ex-husband and new wife and kids has followed.

Unfortunately for the kids, the relationship is a bad one. They now view him as irresponsible and unreliable. They think she is loopy. Both kids make excuses not to see them.

I have realized I can't control my ex. I focus on fostering the best relationship I can among the people I trust and do have some "control" over - me, my kids, my family and my friends. Fortunately that seems to be enough.

I maintain strong boundaries with my ex-husband - stick to the schedule, keep discussion to a minimum, and speak courteously. Depend only on myself and those whom I know to be trustworthy.

If he's not a decent dad without you explicitly telling him what to do and how to do it and micromanaging him, he was never going to be a good dad, divorced or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a second wife whose husband could not be more distanced from his ex, I say "be cool and not controlling". His ex has tried so hard over the years to tell him what he "needs to do" and "do such and such right now" and "do not do such and such again" so much demanding and controlling stuff that it's ridiculous.

People need to realize they can't control the other person or what they do on their time or as a parent once they get divorced. Unclench, be cool, and I think the relationship will follow.

So true. I have repeatedly encouraged my ex husband to be a good father. I have said things like, "on days when you have custody don't make plans with your wife and leave the kids alone at home.". I have also said, "when they are with you and they are sick you need to take care of them, and, if necessary, give them medicine or take them to the doctor."

It's all very controlling of me. I have realized that I can't make my ex-husband or his wife do anything. As wife#2 says above, I have stopped making any efforts, and the relationship between ex-husband and new wife and kids has followed.

Unfortunately for the kids, the relationship is a bad one. They now view him as irresponsible and unreliable. They think she is loopy. Both kids make excuses not to see them.

I have realized I can't control my ex. I focus on fostering the best relationship I can among the people I trust and do have some "control" over - me, my kids, my family and my friends. Fortunately that seems to be enough.

I maintain strong boundaries with my ex-husband - stick to the schedule, keep discussion to a minimum, and speak courteously. Depend only on myself and those whom I know to be trustworthy.

If he's not a decent dad without you explicitly telling him what to do and how to do it and micromanaging him, he was never going to be a good dad, divorced or not.

Exactly. You think that saying to him in an authoritarian manner "do this or don't do that" was going to be beneficial to anyone?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a second wife whose husband could not be more distanced from his ex, I say "be cool and not controlling". His ex has tried so hard over the years to tell him what he "needs to do" and "do such and such right now" and "do not do such and such again" so much demanding and controlling stuff that it's ridiculous.

People need to realize they can't control the other person or what they do on their time or as a parent once they get divorced. Unclench, be cool, and I think the relationship will follow.

So true. I have repeatedly encouraged my ex husband to be a good father. I have said things like, "on days when you have custody don't make plans with your wife and leave the kids alone at home.". I have also said, "when they are with you and they are sick you need to take care of them, and, if necessary, give them medicine or take them to the doctor."

It's all very controlling of me. I have realized that I can't make my ex-husband or his wife do anything. As wife#2 says above, I have stopped making any efforts, and the relationship between ex-husband and new wife and kids has followed.

Unfortunately for the kids, the relationship is a bad one. They now view him as irresponsible and unreliable. They think she is loopy. Both kids make excuses not to see them.

I have realized I can't control my ex. I focus on fostering the best relationship I can among the people I trust and do have some "control" over - me, my kids, my family and my friends. Fortunately that seems to be enough.

I maintain strong boundaries with my ex-husband - stick to the schedule, keep discussion to a minimum, and speak courteously. Depend only on myself and those whom I know to be trustworthy.

If he's not a decent dad without you explicitly telling him what to do and how to do it and micromanaging him, he was never going to be a good dad, divorced or not.

Exactly. You think that saying to him in an authoritarian manner "do this or don't do that" was going to be beneficial to anyone?

I have tried every manner under the sun - polite, encouraging, beseeching, authoritarian -- none work. I fell for the user and abuser's oldest trick in the book - the one where they say, "it's your fault I don't do it -- you didn't ask me the right way.". PP above is right; he was never a good father and the help I tried to give him was just like creating a Potemkin village of parenting. It is far better for me to invest that time and energy in my own relationships with my kids. The lack of effort their father shows makes them sad, and I had hoped to shelter them from that, but honestly he is not capable of growth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a second wife whose husband could not be more distanced from his ex, I say "be cool and not controlling". His ex has tried so hard over the years to tell him what he "needs to do" and "do such and such right now" and "do not do such and such again" so much demanding and controlling stuff that it's ridiculous.

People need to realize they can't control the other person or what they do on their time or as a parent once they get divorced. Unclench, be cool, and I think the relationship will follow.

So true. I have repeatedly encouraged my ex husband to be a good father. I have said things like, "on days when you have custody don't make plans with your wife and leave the kids alone at home.". I have also said, "when they are with you and they are sick you need to take care of them, and, if necessary, give them medicine or take them to the doctor."

It's all very controlling of me. I have realized that I can't make my ex-husband or his wife do anything. As wife#2 says above, I have stopped making any efforts, and the relationship between ex-husband and new wife and kids has followed.

Unfortunately for the kids, the relationship is a bad one. They now view him as irresponsible and unreliable. They think she is loopy. Both kids make excuses not to see them.

I have realized I can't control my ex. I focus on fostering the best relationship I can among the people I trust and do have some "control" over - me, my kids, my family and my friends. Fortunately that seems to be enough.

I maintain strong boundaries with my ex-husband - stick to the schedule, keep discussion to a minimum, and speak courteously. Depend only on myself and those whom I know to be trustworthy.

If he's not a decent dad without you explicitly telling him what to do and how to do it and micromanaging him, he was never going to be a good dad, divorced or not.

Exactly. You think that saying to him in an authoritarian manner "do this or don't do that" was going to be beneficial to anyone?

I have tried every manner under the sun - polite, encouraging, beseeching, authoritarian -- none work. I fell for the user and abuser's oldest trick in the book - the one where they say, "it's your fault I don't do it -- you didn't ask me the right way.". PP above is right; he was never a good father and the help I tried to give him was just like creating a Potemkin village of parenting. It is far better for me to invest that time and energy in my own relationships with my kids. The lack of effort their father shows makes them sad, and I had hoped to shelter them from that, but honestly he is not capable of growth.

I am in this exact same boat, and have chosen to just let him hang himself. I spent the decade we were married doing my share and most of his, so much so that there was barely a skipped beat when we split and all the tasks fell to me. I'd been doing them, or asking/begging/nagging pleading with him to help, all along! I never wanted him to look like a "bad dad" but that's the reality. He continues to find excuses and ways to blame me for why he's not a more involved father. My kids see right through it. I'm sad that my kids don't get a better dad, but that's the lot they got.

At least they have an honest, hardworking, dependable mom. That's more than some people get.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a second wife whose husband could not be more distanced from his ex, I say "be cool and not controlling". His ex has tried so hard over the years to tell him what he "needs to do" and "do such and such right now" and "do not do such and such again" so much demanding and controlling stuff that it's ridiculous.

People need to realize they can't control the other person or what they do on their time or as a parent once they get divorced. Unclench, be cool, and I think the relationship will follow.

So true. I have repeatedly encouraged my ex husband to be a good father. I have said things like, "on days when you have custody don't make plans with your wife and leave the kids alone at home.". I have also said, "when they are with you and they are sick you need to take care of them, and, if necessary, give them medicine or take them to the doctor."

It's all very controlling of me. I have realized that I can't make my ex-husband or his wife do anything. As wife#2 says above, I have stopped making any efforts, and the relationship between ex-husband and new wife and kids has followed.

Unfortunately for the kids, the relationship is a bad one. They now view him as irresponsible and unreliable. They think she is loopy. Both kids make excuses not to see them.

I have realized I can't control my ex. I focus on fostering the best relationship I can among the people I trust and do have some "control" over - me, my kids, my family and my friends. Fortunately that seems to be enough.

I maintain strong boundaries with my ex-husband - stick to the schedule, keep discussion to a minimum, and speak courteously. Depend only on myself and those whom I know to be trustworthy.

If he's not a decent dad without you explicitly telling him what to do and how to do it and micromanaging him, he was never going to be a good dad, divorced or not.

Exactly. You think that saying to him in an authoritarian manner "do this or don't do that" was going to be beneficial to anyone?

I have tried every manner under the sun - polite, encouraging, beseeching, authoritarian -- none work. I fell for the user and abuser's oldest trick in the book - the one where they say, "it's your fault I don't do it -- you didn't ask me the right way.". PP above is right; he was never a good father and the help I tried to give him was just like creating a Potemkin village of parenting. It is far better for me to invest that time and energy in my own relationships with my kids. The lack of effort their father shows makes them sad, and I had hoped to shelter them from that, but honestly he is not capable of growth.

I am in this exact same boat, and have chosen to just let him hang himself. I spent the decade we were married doing my share and most of his, so much so that there was barely a skipped beat when we split and all the tasks fell to me. I'd been doing them, or asking/begging/nagging pleading with him to help, all along! I never wanted him to look like a "bad dad" but that's the reality. He continues to find excuses and ways to blame me for why he's not a more involved father. My kids see right through it. I'm sad that my kids don't get a better dad, but that's the lot they got.

At least they have an honest, hardworking, dependable mom. That's more than some people get.

Do you think it's easy to be a "good dad" when you only see your kids part of the time and when you do their controlling helicopter mother is telling you what to do or not do with them? Sorry, but not all men are as organized as women. That doesn't make me a bad dad. My parents never divorced but the majority of child rearing still fell to my mother. All you women patting yourselves on the back for what good moms you are in the face of deaf beat dads..do you think your kids don't pick up on the fact that you think you're the superior parent?

[Anonymous]

I got rid of my rage and then realized that i am not our son.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I got rid of my rage and then realized that i am not our son.

Me too.

Honestly, it took years. I let go of a lot of things, or found ways to get my frustration out. I remind myself that people are multi-faceted. I also kept a good distance when necessary, with strong boundaries. I'm eleven years post-divorce, FWIW.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a second wife whose husband could not be more distanced from his ex, I say "be cool and not controlling". His ex has tried so hard over the years to tell him what he "needs to do" and "do such and such right now" and "do not do such and such again" so much demanding and controlling stuff that it's ridiculous.

People need to realize they can't control the other person or what they do on their time or as a parent once they get divorced. Unclench, be cool, and I think the relationship will follow.

So true. I have repeatedly encouraged my ex husband to be a good father. I have said things like, "on days when you have custody don't make plans with your wife and leave the kids alone at home.". I have also said, "when they are with you and they are sick you need to take care of them, and, if necessary, give them medicine or take them to the doctor."

It's all very controlling of me. I have realized that I can't make my ex-husband or his wife do anything. As wife#2 says above, I have stopped making any efforts, and the relationship between ex-husband and new wife and kids has followed.

Unfortunately for the kids, the relationship is a bad one. They now view him as irresponsible and unreliable. They think she is loopy. Both kids make excuses not to see them.

I have realized I can't control my ex. I focus on fostering the best relationship I can among the people I trust and do have some "control" over - me, my kids, my family and my friends. Fortunately that seems to be enough.

I maintain strong boundaries with my ex-husband - stick to the schedule, keep discussion to a minimum, and speak courteously. Depend only on myself and those whom I know to be trustworthy.

If he's not a decent dad without you explicitly telling him what to do and how to do it and micromanaging him, he was never going to be a good dad, divorced or not.

Exactly. You think that saying to him in an authoritarian manner "do this or don't do that" was going to be beneficial to anyone?

I have tried every manner under the sun - polite, encouraging, beseeching, authoritarian -- none work. I fell for the user and abuser's oldest trick in the book - the one where they say, "it's your fault I don't do it -- you didn't ask me the right way.". PP above is right; he was never a good father and the help I tried to give him was just like creating a Potemkin village of parenting. It is far better for me to invest that time and energy in my own relationships with my kids. The lack of effort their father shows makes them sad, and I had hoped to shelter them from that, but honestly he is not capable of growth.

I am in this exact same boat, and have chosen to just let him hang himself. I spent the decade we were married doing my share and most of his, so much so that there was barely a skipped beat when we split and all the tasks fell to me. I'd been doing them, or asking/begging/nagging pleading with him to help, all along! I never wanted him to look like a "bad dad" but that's the reality. He continues to find excuses and ways to blame me for why he's not a more involved father. My kids see right through it. I'm sad that my kids don't get a better dad, but that's the lot they got.

At least they have an honest, hardworking, dependable mom. That's more than some people get.

Do you think it's easy to be a "good dad" when you only see your kids part of the time and when you do their controlling helicopter mother is telling you what to do or not do with them? Sorry, but not all men are as organized as women. That doesn't make me a bad dad. My parents never divorced but the majority of child rearing still fell to my mother. All you women patting yourselves on the back for what good moms you are in the face of deaf beat dads..do you think your kids don't pick up on the fact that you think you're the superior parent?

What is a good dad ? Are all your female friends good mum's? Is is beneficial to you to constantly make the dad out to be the bad guy ?
My ex DW is a manipulative POS and nothing I am do is good enough for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a second wife whose husband could not be more distanced from his ex, I say "be cool and not controlling". His ex has tried so hard over the years to tell him what he "needs to do" and "do such and such right now" and "do not do such and such again" so much demanding and controlling stuff that it's ridiculous.

People need to realize they can't control the other person or what they do on their time or as a parent once they get divorced. Unclench, be cool, and I think the relationship will follow.

So true. I have repeatedly encouraged my ex husband to be a good father. I have said things like, "on days when you have custody don't make plans with your wife and leave the kids alone at home.". I have also said, "when they are with you and they are sick you need to take care of them, and, if necessary, give them medicine or take them to the doctor."

It's all very controlling of me. I have realized that I can't make my ex-husband or his wife do anything. As wife#2 says above, I have stopped making any efforts, and the relationship between ex-husband and new wife and kids has followed.

Unfortunately for the kids, the relationship is a bad one. They now view him as irresponsible and unreliable. They think she is loopy. Both kids make excuses not to see them.

I have realized I can't control my ex. I focus on fostering the best relationship I can among the people I trust and do have some "control" over - me, my kids, my family and my friends. Fortunately that seems to be enough.

I maintain strong boundaries with my ex-husband - stick to the schedule, keep discussion to a minimum, and speak courteously. Depend only on myself and those whom I know to be trustworthy.

If he's not a decent dad without you explicitly telling him what to do and how to do it and micromanaging him, he was never going to be a good dad, divorced or not.

Exactly. You think that saying to him in an authoritarian manner "do this or don't do that" was going to be beneficial to anyone?

I have tried every manner under the sun - polite, encouraging, beseeching, authoritarian -- none work. I fell for the user and abuser's oldest trick in the book - the one where they say, "it's your fault I don't do it -- you didn't ask me the right way.". PP above is right; he was never a good father and the help I tried to give him was just like creating a Potemkin village of parenting. It is far better for me to invest that time and energy in my own relationships with my kids. The lack of effort their father shows makes them sad, and I had hoped to shelter them from that, but honestly he is not capable of growth.

I am in this exact same boat, and have chosen to just let him hang himself. I spent the decade we were married doing my share and most of his, so much so that there was barely a skipped beat when we split and all the tasks fell to me. I'd been doing them, or asking/begging/nagging pleading with him to help, all along! I never wanted him to look like a "bad dad" but that's the reality. He continues to find excuses and ways to blame me for why he's not a more involved father. My kids see right through it. I'm sad that my kids don't get a better dad, but that's the lot they got.

At least they have an honest, hardworking, dependable mom. That's more than some people get.

Do you think it's easy to be a "good dad" when you only see your kids part of the time and when you do their controlling helicopter mother is telling you what to do or not do with them? Sorry, but not all men are as organized as women. That doesn't make me a bad dad. My parents never divorced but the majority of child rearing still fell to my mother. All you women patting yourselves on the back for what good moms you are in the face of deaf beat dads..do you think your kids don't pick up on the fact that you think you're the superior parent?

What is a good dad ? Are all your female friends good mum's? Is is beneficial to you to constantly make the dad out to be the bad guy ?
My ex DW is a manipulative POS and nothing I am do is good enough for her.

Same boat. The level of expectation I'm held to is ridiculous. I'm set up to fail constantly. If you want a good relationship with the other parent, chill the f out. All these high strung type a's overscheduling larla and harping on Dad isn't doing anyone any favors.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Do you think it's easy to be a "good dad" when you only see your kids part of the time and when you do their controlling helicopter mother is telling you what to do or not do with them? Sorry, but not all men are as organized as women. That doesn't make me a bad dad. My parents never divorced but the majority of child rearing still fell to my mother. All you women patting yourselves on the back for what good moms you are in the face of deaf beat dads..do you think your kids don't pick up on the fact that you think you're the superior parent?

Stop blaming other people for your problems. You have the relationship you earn with your kids. In this day and age, any father who wants it can get 50/50 custody. So, both parents are "part-time". Guess what, not all women are "organized" either. But we can see over time that raising a kid takes a lot of organization. So, we put in the time to learn by experience or from peers or whatever.

My kids form their judgments about their Dad based on his behavior, not what I say about him. He repeatedly fails to show up, makes promises he can't keep, pawns them off on others and asks/knows very little about their lives, their aspirations or their fears. There's nothing I can say that would change their opinion of him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a second wife whose husband could not be more distanced from his ex, I say "be cool and not controlling". His ex has tried so hard over the years to tell him what he "needs to do" and "do such and such right now" and "do not do such and such again" so much demanding and controlling stuff that it's ridiculous.

People need to realize they can't control the other person or what they do on their time or as a parent once they get divorced. Unclench, be cool, and I think the relationship will follow.

So true. I have repeatedly encouraged my ex husband to be a good father. I have said things like, "on days when you have custody don't make plans with your wife and leave the kids alone at home.". I have also said, "when they are with you and they are sick you need to take care of them, and, if necessary, give them medicine or take them to the doctor."

It's all very controlling of me. I have realized that I can't make my ex-husband or his wife do anything. As wife#2 says above, I have stopped making any efforts, and the relationship between ex-husband and new wife and kids has followed.

Unfortunately for the kids, the relationship is a bad one. They now view him as irresponsible and unreliable. They think she is loopy. Both kids make excuses not to see them.

I have realized I can't control my ex. I focus on fostering the best relationship I can among the people I trust and do have some "control" over - me, my kids, my family and my friends. Fortunately that seems to be enough.

I maintain strong boundaries with my ex-husband - stick to the schedule, keep discussion to a minimum, and speak courteously. Depend only on myself and those whom I know to be trustworthy.

If he's not a decent dad without you explicitly telling him what to do and how to do it and micromanaging him, he was never going to be a good dad, divorced or not.

Exactly. You think that saying to him in an authoritarian manner "do this or don't do that" was going to be beneficial to anyone?

I have tried every manner under the sun - polite, encouraging, beseeching, authoritarian -- none work. I fell for the user and abuser's oldest trick in the book - the one where they say, "it's your fault I don't do it -- you didn't ask me the right way.". PP above is right; he was never a good father and the help I tried to give him was just like creating a Potemkin village of parenting. It is far better for me to invest that time and energy in my own relationships with my kids. The lack of effort their father shows makes them sad, and I had hoped to shelter them from that, but honestly he is not capable of growth.

I am in this exact same boat, and have chosen to just let him hang himself. I spent the decade we were married doing my share and most of his, so much so that there was barely a skipped beat when we split and all the tasks fell to me. I'd been doing them, or asking/begging/nagging pleading with him to help, all along! I never wanted him to look like a "bad dad" but that's the reality. He continues to find excuses and ways to blame me for why he's not a more involved father. My kids see right through it. I'm sad that my kids don't get a better dad, but that's the lot they got.

At least they have an honest, hardworking, dependable mom. That's more than some people get.

Do you think it's easy to be a "good dad" when you only see your kids part of the time and when you do their controlling helicopter mother is telling you what to do or not do with them? Sorry, but not all men are as organized as women. That doesn't make me a bad dad. My parents never divorced but the majority of child rearing still fell to my mother. All you women patting yourselves on the back for what good moms you are in the face of deaf beat dads..do you think your kids don't pick up on the fact that you think you're the superior parent?

You have my utmost pity sir. How do you bear it all?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a second wife whose husband could not be more distanced from his ex, I say "be cool and not controlling". His ex has tried so hard over the years to tell him what he "needs to do" and "do such and such right now" and "do not do such and such again" so much demanding and controlling stuff that it's ridiculous.

People need to realize they can't control the other person or what they do on their time or as a parent once they get divorced. Unclench, be cool, and I think the relationship will follow.

So true. I have repeatedly encouraged my ex husband to be a good father. I have said things like, "on days when you have custody don't make plans with your wife and leave the kids alone at home.". I have also said, "when they are with you and they are sick you need to take care of them, and, if necessary, give them medicine or take them to the doctor."

It's all very controlling of me. I have realized that I can't make my ex-husband or his wife do anything. As wife#2 says above, I have stopped making any efforts, and the relationship between ex-husband and new wife and kids has followed.

Unfortunately for the kids, the relationship is a bad one. They now view him as irresponsible and unreliable. They think she is loopy. Both kids make excuses not to see them.

I have realized I can't control my ex. I focus on fostering the best relationship I can among the people I trust and do have some "control" over - me, my kids, my family and my friends. Fortunately that seems to be enough.

I maintain strong boundaries with my ex-husband - stick to the schedule, keep discussion to a minimum, and speak courteously. Depend only on myself and those whom I know to be trustworthy.

If he's not a decent dad without you explicitly telling him what to do and how to do it and micromanaging him, he was never going to be a good dad, divorced or not.

Exactly. You think that saying to him in an authoritarian manner "do this or don't do that" was going to be beneficial to anyone?

I have tried every manner under the sun - polite, encouraging, beseeching, authoritarian -- none work. I fell for the user and abuser's oldest trick in the book - the one where they say, "it's your fault I don't do it -- you didn't ask me the right way.". PP above is right; he was never a good father and the help I tried to give him was just like creating a Potemkin village of parenting. It is far better for me to invest that time and energy in my own relationships with my kids. The lack of effort their father shows makes them sad, and I had hoped to shelter them from that, but honestly he is not capable of growth.

I am in this exact same boat, and have chosen to just let him hang himself. I spent the decade we were married doing my share and most of his, so much so that there was barely a skipped beat when we split and all the tasks fell to me. I'd been doing them, or asking/begging/nagging pleading with him to help, all along! I never wanted him to look like a "bad dad" but that's the reality. He continues to find excuses and ways to blame me for why he's not a more involved father. My kids see right through it. I'm sad that my kids don't get a better dad, but that's the lot they got.

At least they have an honest, hardworking, dependable mom. That's more than some people get.

Do you think it's easy to be a "good dad" when you only see your kids part of the time and when you do their controlling helicopter mother is telling you what to do or not do with them? Sorry, but not all men are as organized as women. That doesn't make me a bad dad. My parents never divorced but the majority of child rearing still fell to my mother. All you women patting yourselves on the back for what good moms you are in the face of deaf beat dads..do you think your kids don't pick up on the fact that you think you're the superior parent?

What is a good dad ? Are all your female friends good mum's? Is is beneficial to you to constantly make the dad out to be the bad guy ?
My ex DW is a manipulative POS and nothing I am do is good enough for her.

It's probably because you don't read good and need to learn to do other stuff good, too.