Reply to How did you work towards having a good co-parenting relationship with your ex?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]As a second wife whose husband could not be more distanced from his ex, I say "be cool and not controlling". His ex has tried so hard over the years to tell him what he "needs to do" and "do such and such right now" and "do not do such and such again" so much demanding and controlling stuff that it's ridiculous.

People need to realize they can't control the other person or what they do on their time or as a parent once they get divorced. Unclench, be cool, and I think the relationship will follow. [/quote]

So true.  I have repeatedly encouraged my ex husband to be a good father.  I have said things like, "on days when you have custody don't make plans with your wife and leave the kids alone at home.". I have also said, "when they are with you and they are sick you need to take care of them, and, if necessary, give them medicine or take them to the doctor."

It's all very controlling of me.  I have realized that I can't make my ex-husband or his wife do anything.  As wife#2 says above, I have stopped making any efforts, and the relationship between ex-husband and new wife and kids has followed.

Unfortunately for the kids, the relationship is a bad one.  They now view him as irresponsible and unreliable.  They think she is loopy.  Both kids make excuses not to see them.

I have realized I can't control my ex.   I focus on fostering the best relationship I can among the people I trust and do have some "control" over - me, my kids, my family and my friends.  Fortunately that seems to be enough.

I maintain strong boundaries with my ex-husband - stick to the schedule, keep discussion to a minimum, and speak courteously.  Depend only on myself and those whom I know to be trustworthy.[/quote]

If he's not a decent dad without you explicitly telling him what to do and how to do it and micromanaging him, he was never going to be a good dad, divorced or not.[/quote]

Exactly. You think that saying to him in an authoritarian manner "do this or don't do that" was going to be beneficial to anyone?[/quote]

I have tried every manner under the sun - polite, encouraging, beseeching, authoritarian -- none work.  I fell for the user and abuser's oldest trick in the book - the one where they say, "it's your fault I don't do it -- you didn't ask me the right way.". PP above is right; he was never a good father and the help I tried to give him was just like creating a Potemkin village of parenting.  It is far better for me to invest that time and energy in my own relationships with my kids.  The lack of effort their father shows makes them sad, and I had hoped to shelter them from that, but honestly he is not capable of growth.[/quote]

I am in this exact same boat, and have chosen to just let him hang himself. I spent the decade we were married doing my share and most of his, so much so that there was barely a skipped beat when we split and all the tasks fell to me. I'd been doing them, or asking/begging/nagging pleading with him to help, all along! I never wanted him to look like a "bad dad" but that's the reality. He continues to find excuses and ways to blame me for why he's not a more involved father. My kids see right through it. I'm sad that my kids don't get a better dad, but that's the lot they got.

At least they have an honest, hardworking, dependable mom. That's more than some people get.[/quote]

Do you think it's easy to be a "good dad" when you only see your kids part of the time and when you do their controlling helicopter mother is telling you what to do or not do with them? Sorry, but not all men are as organized as women. That doesn't make me a bad dad. My parents never divorced but the majority of child rearing still fell to my mother. All you women patting yourselves on the back for what good moms you are in the face of deaf beat dads..do you think your kids don't pick up on the fact that you think you're the superior parent? [/quote]

What is a good dad ?  Are all your female friends good mum's?  Is is beneficial to you to constantly make the dad out to be the bad guy ? 
My ex DW is a manipulative POS and nothing I am do is good enough for her. [/quote]

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