How did you work towards having a good co-parenting relationship with your ex?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Do you think it's easy to be a "good dad" when you only see your kids part of the time and when you do their controlling helicopter mother is telling you what to do or not do with them? Sorry, but not all men are as organized as women. That doesn't make me a bad dad. My parents never divorced but the majority of child rearing still fell to my mother. All you women patting yourselves on the back for what good moms you are in the face of deaf beat dads..do you think your kids don't pick up on the fact that you think you're the superior parent?

Stop blaming other people for your problems. You have the relationship you earn with your kids. In this day and age, any father who wants it can get 50/50 custody. So, both parents are "part-time". Guess what, not all women are "organized" either. But we can see over time that raising a kid takes a lot of organization. So, we put in the time to learn by experience or from peers or whatever.

My kids form their judgments about their Dad based on his behavior, not what I say about him. He repeatedly fails to show up, makes promises he can't keep, pawns them off on others and asks/knows very little about their lives, their aspirations or their fears. There's nothing I can say that would change their opinion of him.

Wait, you mean your magical vagina doesn't do all the organizing automagically?

Snark aside, +1 to all of this. I didn't magically POOF into a good parent when I had my kid. I learned, mostly from showing up every day and doing the work.

[Anonymous]

Sorry OP, you can tell by all the disappointed women in this thread that having to live without total control ain't easy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry OP, you can tell by all the disappointed women in this thread that having to live without total control ain't easy.

Yep, having any expectation that the parent of your children will try to cooperate in raising kids is clearly trying to totally control your former partner! They're just your kids after all. Why on earth would you care about being on the same page about how they are reared? Only a controlling, disappointed woman would do that. Laidback men know that it doesn't matter what either parents do. In fact, the kids can kinda just raise themselves while the grown ups focus on more important stuff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a second wife whose husband could not be more distanced from his ex, I say "be cool and not controlling". His ex has tried so hard over the years to tell him what he "needs to do" and "do such and such right now" and "do not do such and such again" so much demanding and controlling stuff that it's ridiculous.

People need to realize they can't control the other person or what they do on their time or as a parent once they get divorced. Unclench, be cool, and I think the relationship will follow.

So true. I have repeatedly encouraged my ex husband to be a good father. I have said things like, "on days when you have custody don't make plans with your wife and leave the kids alone at home.". I have also said, "when they are with you and they are sick you need to take care of them, and, if necessary, give them medicine or take them to the doctor."

It's all very controlling of me. I have realized that I can't make my ex-husband or his wife do anything. As wife#2 says above, I have stopped making any efforts, and the relationship between ex-husband and new wife and kids has followed.

Unfortunately for the kids, the relationship is a bad one. They now view him as irresponsible and unreliable. They think she is loopy. Both kids make excuses not to see them.

I have realized I can't control my ex. I focus on fostering the best relationship I can among the people I trust and do have some "control" over - me, my kids, my family and my friends. Fortunately that seems to be enough.

I maintain strong boundaries with my ex-husband - stick to the schedule, keep discussion to a minimum, and speak courteously. Depend only on myself and those whom I know to be trustworthy.

If he's not a decent dad without you explicitly telling him what to do and how to do it and micromanaging him, he was never going to be a good dad, divorced or not.

Exactly. You think that saying to him in an authoritarian manner "do this or don't do that" was going to be beneficial to anyone?

I have tried every manner under the sun - polite, encouraging, beseeching, authoritarian -- none work. I fell for the user and abuser's oldest trick in the book - the one where they say, "it's your fault I don't do it -- you didn't ask me the right way.". PP above is right; he was never a good father and the help I tried to give him was just like creating a Potemkin village of parenting. It is far better for me to invest that time and energy in my own relationships with my kids. The lack of effort their father shows makes them sad, and I had hoped to shelter them from that, but honestly he is not capable of growth.

I am in this exact same boat, and have chosen to just let him hang himself. I spent the decade we were married doing my share and most of his, so much so that there was barely a skipped beat when we split and all the tasks fell to me. I'd been doing them, or asking/begging/nagging pleading with him to help, all along! I never wanted him to look like a "bad dad" but that's the reality. He continues to find excuses and ways to blame me for why he's not a more involved father. My kids see right through it. I'm sad that my kids don't get a better dad, but that's the lot they got.

At least they have an honest, hardworking, dependable mom. That's more than some people get.

Do you think it's easy to be a "good dad" when you only see your kids part of the time and when you do their controlling helicopter mother is telling you what to do or not do with them? Sorry, but not all men are as organized as women. That doesn't make me a bad dad. My parents never divorced but the majority of child rearing still fell to my mother. All you women patting yourselves on the back for what good moms you are in the face of deaf beat dads..do you think your kids don't pick up on the fact that you think you're the superior parent?

Oh Jesus fuck. Take some personal responsibility.

Read a parenting book. Make an effort.

I had to remind my ex to give our daughter antibiotics. If I didn't, he'd forget and she'd get even sicker. One day I picked her up and she had a 105 fever. She was sweating buckets and dizzy. He didn't notice. Should I have let him keep her 100% of the time so he could get better at his responsibilities? The kid is the priority. Not your damned ego. You want to be a good parent, then try. Don't blame other people for actually giving a crap and doing the work.

[Anonymous]

Oh Jesus fuck. Take some personal responsibility.

Read a parenting book. Make an effort.

I had to remind my ex to give our daughter antibiotics. If I didn't, he'd forget and she'd get even sicker. One day I picked her up and she had a 105 fever. She was sweating buckets and dizzy. He didn't notice. Should I have let him keep her 100% of the time so he could get better at his responsibilities? The kid is the priority. Not your damned ego. You want to be a good parent, then try. Don't blame other people for actually giving a crap and doing the work.

this is so typical women response... i do EVERYTHING right, and he does NOTHING right. your attitude is probably why your marriage didn't work out.

[Anonymous]

^of course my kid knows I'm the superior parent. Not because I tell her (I don't) or because I speak ill of her dad (I don't) but because I parent her. I take her to the doctor, help her with projects, sit down with her every morning at breakfast and evening at dinner and listen to her talk about her life. I lead her Girl Scout troop and organize my work schedule so I can meet her after school. I don't yell at her. I show I'm interested in the things she likes.

Her dad criticizes her constantly. If she gets 5 As and a B he asks about the B. If she doesn't like the movie he selects for them (he never lets her choose) he tells her she has a poor attention span. She is gay and he insists on saying she "thinks she's gay." She says he doesn't listen. She says he doesn't respect her privacy and that he keeps her awake by blasting the tv.

Unsurprisingly, she's told me pretty frankly she prefers me. I don't gloat about it because I want them to have a decent relationship and I want her to feel he appreciates her. I wish he were a great parent.

So how do I coparent with him? I do everything I possibly can to take care of her and make her feel secure and I avoid any conflict with him. All he haa to do is be nice and supportive to her.

[Anonymous]

The MRAs have arrived.

[Anonymous]

Dear insecure Dads,
A lot of moms are just trying to help their children's dad be the best parent possible. My kid knows I'm the more competent and responsible parent. That doesn't mean she doesn't love her dad equally. She just knows his strengths and weaknesses. Just as she knows mine.
She figured him out when she was about six and his "silly Daddy!" routine when he screwed up didn't cut it after he actually cost her an opportunity that she really wanted. After that, she started asking me to handle everything important. At first, he was hurt and angry, but it has made his life so much easier. Now he can focus on what he does best --being a fun and affectionate parent. Recently, DD's scheduling needs have changed and she wants more time to focus on her activities and less time to just hang out with him. I know this scares and hurts him, but if he could just be more responsible, I'd happily turn over a lot of these events to him. Other dad's do them so I know it's not a special lady thing. It does take being organized and detail-oriented. If her dad insists on taking over and he isn't able to handle it, that could create a rift between them that isn't there.
If your children's mom gives you a tip about how to make them more comfortable when they are sick, maybe test it out before you assume she's trying to control you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Oh Jesus fuck. Take some personal responsibility.

Read a parenting book. Make an effort.

I had to remind my ex to give our daughter antibiotics. If I didn't, he'd forget and she'd get even sicker. One day I picked her up and she had a 105 fever. She was sweating buckets and dizzy. He didn't notice. Should I have let him keep her 100% of the time so he could get better at his responsibilities? The kid is the priority. Not your damned ego. You want to be a good parent, then try. Don't blame other people for actually giving a crap and doing the work.

this is so typical women response... i do EVERYTHING right, and he does NOTHING right. your attitude is probably why your marriage didn't work out.

My marriage didn't work out because my mentally ill husband slammed his fist into the headboard beside my head at 2 am when I was on bedrest for preterm labor. I guess I was trying to control him in my sleep.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Oh Jesus fuck. Take some personal responsibility.

Read a parenting book. Make an effort.

I had to remind my ex to give our daughter antibiotics. If I didn't, he'd forget and she'd get even sicker. One day I picked her up and she had a 105 fever. She was sweating buckets and dizzy. He didn't notice. Should I have let him keep her 100% of the time so he could get better at his responsibilities? The kid is the priority. Not your damned ego. You want to be a good parent, then try. Don't blame other people for actually giving a crap and doing the work.

this is so typical women response... i do EVERYTHING right, and he does NOTHING right. your attitude is probably why your marriage didn't work out.

Alternatively, maybe the fact that the Dad isn't a responsible parent is the reason the marriage failed.

Sometimes the truth is just staring you right in the face.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Oh Jesus fuck. Take some personal responsibility.

Read a parenting book. Make an effort.

I had to remind my ex to give our daughter antibiotics. If I didn't, he'd forget and she'd get even sicker. One day I picked her up and she had a 105 fever. She was sweating buckets and dizzy. He didn't notice. Should I have let him keep her 100% of the time so he could get better at his responsibilities? The kid is the priority. Not your damned ego. You want to be a good parent, then try. Don't blame other people for actually giving a crap and doing the work.

this is so typical women response... i do EVERYTHING right, and he does NOTHING right. your attitude is probably why your marriage didn't work out.

Alternatively, maybe the fact that the Dad isn't a responsible parent is the reason the marriage failed.

Sometimes the truth is just staring you right in the face.

I'm the PP whose ex didn't even notice our child was so sick she needed to go to the emergency room.

Our marriage failed because he refused to participate in parenting in any way, refused to make up for it by letting me budget for household help, criticized me for not losing my baby weight within two weeks of birth (seriously - and I was only carrying maybe 15 pounds), made me sacrifice job advancement to be a parent after promising we would be equal, told his mother i wasn't a dedicated parent because I used to answer work emails on my blackberry while breastfeeding (really), and decided, after I got pregnant, to go back on a solemn promise not to drink more than three times per week unless we were on vacation (my father is an alcoholic and so is his).

The delicate flower who doesn't think men should be required to take their sick kids to the doctor or hear about it when they don't is pathetic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Oh Jesus fuck. Take some personal responsibility.

Read a parenting book. Make an effort.

I had to remind my ex to give our daughter antibiotics. If I didn't, he'd forget and she'd get even sicker. One day I picked her up and she had a 105 fever. She was sweating buckets and dizzy. He didn't notice. Should I have let him keep her 100% of the time so he could get better at his responsibilities? The kid is the priority. Not your damned ego. You want to be a good parent, then try. Don't blame other people for actually giving a crap and doing the work.

this is so typical women response... i do EVERYTHING right, and he does NOTHING right. your attitude is probably why your marriage didn't work out.

My marriage didn't work out because my mentally ill husband slammed his fist into the headboard beside my head at 2 am when I was on bedrest for preterm labor. I guess I was trying to control him in my sleep.[/quote]

NP. I'm sorry to hear this and I hope you are happy now. Bedrest is tough enough, without all of that.

[Anonymous]

Why did you guys have kids with such monumental fuck ups?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why did you guys have kids with such monumental fuck ups?

For one thing, I bought into a lot of nonsense about what was normal male behavior. I had a bad feeling early in the marriage and people kept telling me that the early years are rough, men just have trouble expressing how they really feel, if you don't say anything about xyz, he'll do it when he's ready and you won't look like a nag. So I stayed. We had a baby. And then, the exact same people started questioning his behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why did you guys have kids with such monumental fuck ups?

Fuckups don't generally wear a sign. And "FYI, I'm going to suck at that thing you'd like to do someday" isn't a conversation most of them will have with you while dating.

Clearly you, being perfect, found an equally perfect spouse to play glass house with.