Reply to How did you work towards having a good co-parenting relationship with your ex?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]As a second wife whose husband could not be more distanced from his ex, I say "be cool and not controlling". His ex has tried so hard over the years to tell him what he "needs to do" and "do such and such right now" and "do not do such and such again" so much demanding and controlling stuff that it's ridiculous.

People need to realize they can't control the other person or what they do on their time or as a parent once they get divorced. Unclench, be cool, and I think the relationship will follow. [/quote]

So true.  I have repeatedly encouraged my ex husband to be a good father.  I have said things like, "on days when you have custody don't make plans with your wife and leave the kids alone at home.". I have also said, "when they are with you and they are sick you need to take care of them, and, if necessary, give them medicine or take them to the doctor."

It's all very controlling of me.  I have realized that I can't make my ex-husband or his wife do anything.  As wife#2 says above, I have stopped making any efforts, and the relationship between ex-husband and new wife and kids has followed.

Unfortunately for the kids, the relationship is a bad one.  They now view him as irresponsible and unreliable.  They think she is loopy.  Both kids make excuses not to see them.

I have realized I can't control my ex.   I focus on fostering the best relationship I can among the people I trust and do have some "control" over - me, my kids, my family and my friends.  Fortunately that seems to be enough.

I maintain strong boundaries with my ex-husband - stick to the schedule, keep discussion to a minimum, and speak courteously.  Depend only on myself and those whom I know to be trustworthy.[/quote]

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