How did you work towards having a good co-parenting relationship with your ex?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why did you guys have kids with such monumental fuck ups?

I married a man who had never been married or had kids. He said he wanted to get married and have kids, that it is what he'd always wanted, and he wanted to do that with me because we were professional equals and therefore partner material.

Turns out he had no idea what that meant. Because I had never been married nor had kids, and came from a household that was (a) abusive; and (b) a male breadwinner and housewife, I didn't even know what questions to ask to make sure we both knew what partnership meant.

My now ex was from a very wealthy household with a stay at home mother and a full - time maid. He had no idea what went into the kind of marriage he promised me, and when our child came along he pretty much opted out. I was breastfeeding and he said I was basically on 24/7 and why should he get involved. There was not much I could do at that point.

We did counseling and the third time he didn't show the therapist told me I should either stay in the exact marriage I have or leave, because this guy was never going to give an inch.

So I left.

[Anonymous]

My now ex (we are both women) really wanted kids in theory, but wanted to wait. I wanted to have a child and was at an age where it had to happen soon. We got along really well, but had a lopsided relationship where I was independent and like space and ex wanted a relationship that was all about each other all the time. Have a kid made that difference really stark, plus ex didn't like the constant work of parenting. She's much happier being a half time parent and having a girlfriend who is fun and dumb and not taxing.

To answer the original question:

1. I treat her like a coworker who I don't like that much but need to maintain a good relationship with
2. Unless I feel something is unsafe for my child, I don't question what happens on her time
3. I try to stick to our established schedule, and also say yes if she asks me to take extra time with our kid
4. I don't speak badly of her or her dumb girlfriend (former affair partner)
5. When things are tense between us, we communicate by email
6. I try to focus on the positive of building the life I want for my child rather critiquing the ex.

It's hard to only have half time access to the child I fought so hard to have, and it's hard to share a child with someone with whom I seem to share fewer values with each day

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did you guys have kids with such monumental fuck ups?

Fuckups don't generally wear a sign. And "FYI, I'm going to suck at that thing you'd like to do someday" isn't a conversation most of them will have with you while dating.

Clearly you, being perfect, found an equally perfect spouse to play glass house with.

I'm not perfect, nor is my spouse. It's just amazing to me that these men could be *this shitty* and nobody noticed until kids were already here. Generally, when people suck you can tell before you procreate with them. I get that these women regret these are their kids' dad but pointing out all the ways in which these men are basically incompetent at life really makes you wonder how anyone thought them a good candidate for parenting with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Oh Jesus fuck. Take some personal responsibility.

Read a parenting book. Make an effort.

I had to remind my ex to give our daughter antibiotics. If I didn't, he'd forget and she'd get even sicker. One day I picked her up and she had a 105 fever. She was sweating buckets and dizzy. He didn't notice. Should I have let him keep her 100% of the time so he could get better at his responsibilities? The kid is the priority. Not your damned ego. You want to be a good parent, then try. Don't blame other people for actually giving a crap and doing the work.

this is so typical women response... i do EVERYTHING right, and he does NOTHING right. your attitude is probably why your marriage didn't work out.

My marriage didn't work out because my mentally ill husband slammed his fist into the headboard beside my head at 2 am when I was on bedrest for preterm labor. I guess I was trying to control him in my sleep.[/quote]

NP. I'm sorry to hear this and I hope you are happy now. Bedrest is tough enough, without all of that.

Thanks! And yes, I am. Built a happy, healthy single parent household. Marrying a really good man in less than a month.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did you guys have kids with such monumental fuck ups?

Fuckups don't generally wear a sign. And "FYI, I'm going to suck at that thing you'd like to do someday" isn't a conversation most of them will have with you while dating.

Clearly you, being perfect, found an equally perfect spouse to play glass house with.

I'm not perfect, nor is my spouse. It's just amazing to me that these men could be *this shitty* and nobody noticed until kids were already here. Generally, when people suck you can tell before you procreate with them. I get that these women regret these are their kids' dad but pointing out all the ways in which these men are basically incompetent at life really makes you wonder how anyone thought them a good candidate for parenting with.

My ex isn't incompetent at everything. He excels with charming people, especially small children and women with low self esteem. He knows exactly what people want to hear so he makes just the right promises and, for a long time, just the right excuses. He just can't follow through. He's going through a second divorce right now and his estranged wife actually called me to apologize for some things that she said and did to me and DC based on what he'd told her. I told her that it's not uncommon for new gfs and second wives to believe the best of their partner and assume it was all the ex-wife's fault. Unfortunately, because she never would have believed me, I never told her my side of the story. She had to experience his worst traits herself. She's grateful that they were unsuccessful in getting pregnant and I'm happy for her in that. In less than a year, she will be free of him forever. I will share grandkids with him and probably worry pretty steadily for the next 30 years about my minor DC and their minor DC dealing with his emotional abuse and lack of adulting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My now ex (we are both women) really wanted kids in theory, but wanted to wait. I wanted to have a child and was at an age where it had to happen soon. We got along really well, but had a lopsided relationship where I was independent and like space and ex wanted a relationship that was all about each other all the time. Have a kid made that difference really stark, plus ex didn't like the constant work of parenting. She's much happier being a half time parent and having a girlfriend who is fun and dumb and not taxing.

To answer the original question:

1. I treat her like a coworker who I don't like that much but need to maintain a good relationship with
2. Unless I feel something is unsafe for my child, I don't question what happens on her time
3. I try to stick to our established schedule, and also say yes if she asks me to take extra time with our kid
4. I don't speak badly of her or her dumb girlfriend (former affair partner)
5. When things are tense between us, we communicate by email
6. I try to focus on the positive of building the life I want for my child rather critiquing the ex.

It's hard to only have half time access to the child I fought so hard to have, and it's hard to share a child with someone with whom I seem to share fewer values with each day

All of this. I do have more than 50% time with my kid because dad lives far away, but dad shows up on time every time (he's been late once in 7 years, and it was out of his control). I can imagine it would be different if he wasn't a willing parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My now ex (we are both women) really wanted kids in theory, but wanted to wait. I wanted to have a child and was at an age where it had to happen soon. We got along really well, but had a lopsided relationship where I was independent and like space and ex wanted a relationship that was all about each other all the time. Have a kid made that difference really stark, plus ex didn't like the constant work of parenting. She's much happier being a half time parent and having a girlfriend who is fun and dumb and not taxing.

To answer the original question:

1. I treat her like a coworker who I don't like that much but need to maintain a good relationship with
2. Unless I feel something is unsafe for my child, I don't question what happens on her time
3. I try to stick to our established schedule, and also say yes if she asks me to take extra time with our kid
4. I don't speak badly of her or her dumb girlfriend (former affair partner)
5. When things are tense between us, we communicate by email
6. I try to focus on the positive of building the life I want for my child rather critiquing the ex.

It's hard to only have half time access to the child I fought so hard to have, and it's hard to share a child with someone with whom I seem to share fewer values with each day

L

All of this. I do have more than 50% time with my kid because dad lives far away, but dad shows up on time every time (he's been late once in 7 years, and it was out of his control). I can imagine it would be different if he wasn't a willing parent.

NP (male): this is good advice. It helps if you still respect your ex (I don't) and you have a durable parenting plan, are flexible and ex (& their new parent) have the decency to stick to the plan you agreed to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did you guys have kids with such monumental fuck ups?

Fuckups don't generally wear a sign. And "FYI, I'm going to suck at that thing you'd like to do someday" isn't a conversation most of them will have with you while dating.

Clearly you, being perfect, found an equally perfect spouse to play glass house with.

I'm not perfect, nor is my spouse. It's just amazing to me that these men could be *this shitty* and nobody noticed until kids were already here. Generally, when people suck you can tell before you procreate with them. I get that these women regret these are their kids' dad but pointing out all the ways in which these men are basically incompetent at life really makes you wonder how anyone thought them a good candidate for parenting with.

Well, the thing they turned out to be incompetent about wasn't a factor. I mean, how would I know how DH would react to a baby, when we never had one before? We met and dated in an environment where there were no children around to interact with, and even when there were, it was only for a short time. My DH is very competent at his job, but raising kids, not so much.

Also, users and abusers typically wait to reveal their worst selves until you are tied down in the relationship with them. These types can woo you for years, but don't really crank up the use/abuse until your options to respond and escape are more limited.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did you guys have kids with such monumental fuck ups?

Fuckups don't generally wear a sign. And "FYI, I'm going to suck at that thing you'd like to do someday" isn't a conversation most of them will have with you while dating.

Clearly you, being perfect, found an equally perfect spouse to play glass house with.

I'm not perfect, nor is my spouse. It's just amazing to me that these men could be *this shitty* and nobody noticed until kids were already here. Generally, when people suck you can tell before you procreate with them. I get that these women regret these are their kids' dad but pointing out all the ways in which these men are basically incompetent at life really makes you wonder how anyone thought them a good candidate for parenting with.

Well, the thing they turned out to be incompetent about wasn't a factor. I mean, how would I know how DH would react to a baby, when we never had one before? We met and dated in an environment where there were no children around to interact with, and even when there were, it was only for a short time. My DH is very competent at his job, but raising kids, not so much.

Also, users and abusers typically wait to reveal their worst selves until you are tied down in the relationship with them. These types can woo you for years, but don't really crank up the use/abuse until your options to respond and escape are more limited.

Exactly this!
Sociopaths are good at fooling people. My ex "loves kids". He just loses it if they cry because he played too rough. Or need something that can't wait like a poopy diaper change. Or distract him from Internet porn. The list of unreasonable kid behavior goes on.
Also, "loving kids" and playing well with them for a few hours is not evidence you'll be a good parent. If it was, teen baby sitters would be ready to be parents. But society sets a low bar for men when it comes to child care. Anything not openly neglectful or abusive is often lauded as excellent if it's done by a father. I'm seeing more daddy bloggers fight back against this because they really are going above and beyond the call of duty, while their buddies are giving the toddler a vendor hot dog so they can stare at their phones in peace or flirt with the Au pair.