Family Relationships Judge and Jury: AMA

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I posted a FB picture of my 3mo baby meeting my dad for the first time!! It was so precious and especially so because he has been in the hospital with a terminal disease.

Well my SIL (my husband's sister) posts like "what's wrong with him?" And I ignored it at first, but then later that day she texted me like "hey you didn't respond on fB." And I was like "hey! Um so yeah my dad is dying." And I'm like "didn't DH tell you?" And she's like "oh cool. Are you coming to our kids birthday party next week?" I am livid. First of all this woman never brings her kids to the parties I throw (don't know why something about last time they came and spilled something and I flipped out. Ok so we don't communicate that well but ugh. Can she just throw me a bone here! My dad is dying!!

Tell her that your dad is passing away, and you are spending all of your time with him right now. Tell her that it's very difficult, and it will take some time and space to process this. If she tries to bring it up again, tell her that "DH is handling all communication right now; I'm going to be offline and out of touch for a while." Then go silent, and tell DH he really needs to step up for you.

And I'm very, truly sorry you are in this difficult situation, PP. I wish for you peace and comfort.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom made a lighthearted joke about the weight I've gained so far in pregnancy. I can light her on fire, right?

Absolutely. And in this case, you also can roast a few S'mores over the smouldering ashes to show her that you DGAF about her opinions on your weight, now or ever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:MIL tells me she hates me every time we see her. She favors her other grandchildren over our kids. She tells me I have poor taste, that I smell, that I'm a horrible mother. Once she set me on fire. On purpose. My DH says I'm just being too sensitive and wants to invite her to stay for 7 months. Should I say nothing but stew in my own resentment?

I know exactly how you feel. Last time my MIL was visiting, she mentioned that she "doesn't care for brussel sprouts." She totally remembers that I served them to her on a visit three years ago! She's so awful. I told DH that if she even opens her mouth on this next visit, we're cutting ties completely. Some people just have no boundaries.

OP here. You'll have the last laugh, PP, when you toss a few sprouts into her casket moments before they close up. Don't forget to pry the rings off her fingers first. Cheers!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Similar question here. My baby is only three weeks old and we are on a strict bonding schedule. My mother is the only one besides DH and myself who is allowed to handle the baby. MIL has been allowed to see the baby through the window of the front door. She has been good about bringing over meals and my husband goes out to get the food and give her our laundry to wash. Now she says she wants to come inside and see the baby. I am breastfeeding and tired, so I don't want anyone else in here other than the cleaning service my in-laws sent over. I think my husband is weakening toward her, but I say, my baby, my rules. Please help.

Hang in there, OP. I was in your shoes. Once I heard the front door squeak and then my DH out of the blue said he'd watch the baby for a while so I could get some sleep. Yeah, right, as if! I knew who was waiting silently in the hallway -- MIL. Unfortunately I was so sleep deprived I couldn't think straight so I let him give her a 3 ounce bottle of pumped breast milk and fell asleep. when I woke up she was in the co-sleeper sound asleep, with a bit of lipstick on her cheek. I'd recognize that color anywhere. I told DH I felt betrayed that he had not only let his mother see the baby but also kiss her on the cheek but he swore he had only fed her and changed her diapers and put her down to sleep, and that she had accidentally scratched herself. I know that's impossible because it took for freakin ever to get her to sleep and that was with a boob in her mouth, so how could she have fallen asleep like that with a bottle? They have a history of gaslighting in his family so I didnt' fall for it.

Anyway, that was 20 years ago. We're still in therapy for the betrayal and sleep in separate rooms. Lately i've been getting these pangs of wanting another baby, though. Crazy, right, given his crazy family? What should I do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Similar question here. My baby is only three weeks old and we are on a strict bonding schedule. My mother is the only one besides DH and myself who is allowed to handle the baby. MIL has been allowed to see the baby through the window of the front door. She has been good about bringing over meals and my husband goes out to get the food and give her our laundry to wash. Now she says she wants to come inside and see the baby. I am breastfeeding and tired, so I don't want anyone else in here other than the cleaning service my in-laws sent over. I think my husband is weakening toward her, but I say, my baby, my rules. Please help.

Hang in there, OP. I was in your shoes. Once I heard the front door squeak and then my DH out of the blue said he'd watch the baby for a while so I could get some sleep. Yeah, right, as if! I knew who was waiting silently in the hallway -- MIL. Unfortunately I was so sleep deprived I couldn't think straight so I let him give her a 3 ounce bottle of pumped breast milk and fell asleep. when I woke up she was in the co-sleeper sound asleep, with a bit of lipstick on her cheek. I'd recognize that color anywhere. I told DH I felt betrayed that he had not only let his mother see the baby but also kiss her on the cheek but he swore he had only fed her and changed her diapers and put her down to sleep, and that she had accidentally scratched herself. I know that's impossible because it took for freakin ever to get her to sleep and that was with a boob in her mouth, so how could she have fallen asleep like that with a bottle? They have a history of gaslighting in his family so I didnt' fall for it.

Anyway, that was 20 years ago. We're still in therapy for the betrayal and sleep in separate rooms. Lately i've been getting these pangs of wanting another baby, though. Crazy, right, given his crazy family? What should I do?

Hi there, Judge and Jury OP here. Tsk, tsk. You were off your game when you let sleep get the better of you as a postpartum mom. Next time, use a surrogate so that you won't be in a weakened state again.

Next time you go to therapy, be sure to talk about MIL's Borderline Personality Disorder.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:MIL tells me she hates me every time we see her. She favors her other grandchildren over our kids. She tells me I have poor taste, that I smell, that I'm a horrible mother. Once she set me on fire. On purpose. My DH says I'm just being too sensitive and wants to invite her to stay for 7 months. Should I say nothing but stew in my own resentment?

I know exactly how you feel. Last time my MIL was visiting, she mentioned that she "doesn't care for brussel sprouts." She totally remembers that I served them to her on a visit three years ago! She's so awful. I told DH that if she even opens her mouth on this next visit, we're cutting ties completely. Some people just have no boundaries.

So far, this is the win.

[Anonymous]

OP, my family life is literally perfect in every way, so I have no dilemmas in need of your justice. I would however like to volunteer as your second in whatever duels you arrange, because you sound AWESOME.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, my family life is literally perfect in every way, so I have no dilemmas in need of your justice. I would however like to volunteer as your second in whatever duels you arrange, because you sound AWESOME.

Granted. It will be good to have you as the Goose to my Maverick. (Just don't die or anything.)

[Anonymous]

What can I do about my DIL? She controls everything my son does, and won't let him do what I want. She won't let me live with them either, and tried to kill me by turning the thermostat down to 85 so I almost had the frostbite.

When I brought over a new woman to take DIL's place with my son, this bad DIL made him say he "loves" her and their kids and wants to be with them. I was so angry.

No matter how I scold or shun this DIL, she pretends to smile. But she has turned my son against me, and when I tell him he's bad and a weakling and no good, now he doesn't listen to me, his loving mother. What can I do now? I put a curse on her, but only the cat died so far.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What can I do about my DIL? She controls everything my son does, and won't let him do what I want. She won't let me live with them either, and tried to kill me by turning the thermostat down to 85 so I almost had the frostbite.

When I brought over a new woman to take DIL's place with my son, this bad DIL made him say he "loves" her and their kids and wants to be with them. I was so angry.

No matter how I scold or shun this DIL, she pretends to smile. But she has turned my son against me, and when I tell him he's bad and a weakling and no good, now he doesn't listen to me, his loving mother. What can I do now? I put a curse on her, but only the cat died so far.

Judge and Jury AMA here. Hi, MIL! Nice try. Now get back in the box. We will come see you on Mother's Day 2025, like I said. Pipe down. If you want to face a window and not a wall at Shady Meadows, you'll keep the peace.

[Anonymous]

We've been working hard on teaching our DC to self soothe, but MIL is so old fashioned. She thinks showing love and kindness is the right approach to dealing with kids that are in distress of any kind, and she tries to thwart us at every turn. Once we caught her singing lullabies to DS before a nap, and then later I walked in on her cutting the crust off his bread. I was like, is he going to take you to college with him?? and she just laughed. I feel like she's killing him with kindness, literally. It's maddening and I've had enough. I want to cut her off completely. He leaves for college in three weeks, so should I block her number from his cell phone? What do you think, FRJAJ?

[Anonymous]

Every time my mother comes to my house, she makes comments on things that need to be done (typically while sitting at the kitchen table and enjoying a cool beverage). Yesterday, she told me that she went down in my basement and saw a lot of clutter and that the cat litter box needed scooping. I have a 4 year old, a 1 1/2 year old, and am heavily pregnant right now. How do I stop screaming at her? Its making me sweaty. Thanks in advance!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Every time my mother comes to my house, she makes comments on things that need to be done (typically while sitting at the kitchen table and enjoying a cool beverage). Yesterday, she told me that she went down in my basement and saw a lot of clutter and that the cat litter box needed scooping. I have a 4 year old, a 1 1/2 year old, and am heavily pregnant right now. How do I stop screaming at her? Its making me sweaty. Thanks in advance!

Sneak into the guest room while she's at the table, slip her sweater out of the suitcase and hide it under the bed. Then turn the AC down to 65.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Every time my mother comes to my house, she makes comments on things that need to be done (typically while sitting at the kitchen table and enjoying a cool beverage). Yesterday, she told me that she went down in my basement and saw a lot of clutter and that the cat litter box needed scooping. I have a 4 year old, a 1 1/2 year old, and am heavily pregnant right now. How do I stop screaming at her? Its making me sweaty. Thanks in advance!

Well, you stop screaming at her by keeping your mouth closed instead of opening it wide. In the words of Daniel Tiger, "When you feel so mad that you want to roar, take a deep breath and count to four."

My advice:
1) Stop caring what she thinks/says about this matter. So your house isn't perfect. So what? Her house probably is/was wasn't perfect, either.
2) Look her in the eye and say, "Mom, I'm really busy with the kids and this pregnancy, as you know. I know my house isn't perfect, but we manage. Please stop making these comments. Or, at the very least, help me get on top of some of these chores."
3) If she persists, stop inviting her over. Meet her at a park, or go to her house.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We've been working hard on teaching our DC to self soothe, but MIL is so old fashioned. She thinks showing love and kindness is the right approach to dealing with kids that are in distress of any kind, and she tries to thwart us at every turn. Once we caught her singing lullabies to DS before a nap, and then later I walked in on her cutting the crust off his bread. I was like, is he going to take you to college with him?? and she just laughed. I feel like she's killing him with kindness, literally. It's maddening and I've had enough. I want to cut her off completely. He leaves for college in three weeks, so should I block her number from his cell phone? What do you think, FRJAJ?

The only way to deal with a MIL this horrible is to literally kill HER with kindness. Hug her tight, until you crack the ribs. Don't stop when you feel her vertebrae collapsing, that is the critical moment.