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[quote=Anonymous]I am sorry you are going through this. I am an affair survivor, and I use that term literally, as when I first found out, I was suicidal. The only thing that kept me going in those first days was my daughter and the thought of walking her down the aisle at her wedding. (She is only 8, but I guess I needed to see something to live for, and her future was it.) I have spent many sleepless nights about this. I have talked to fellow survivors who say the only hope is to let it go, which is impossible originally but becomes less impossible with time. I am one year out now. I still think about it often, but we are making slow, painful progress as a couple. There are steps backward, and painful triggers, etc., but as one survivor told me, letting go is the only way.

That doesn't mean I condone her awful behavior, or will ever forget it. It means I will try my best to move on from it and find it in me to forgive her. She forgave me when I was a porn addict (since cured, "clean and sober" thank God). Doesn't mean we are even, but it means I am not perfect either.

Seek help with a therapist, priest, etc., someone you can vent to. And if you want to commit to your marriage, do it but your spouse must know that you will heal at your pace and at your pace only.

The most important thing you can do is make yourself right -- get healthy in mind, spirit, body. My wife and I were both in awful places that previous year. I'm not proud of any of it. Since then, I have taken up a sport I hadn't played in years, I have applied to return to graduate school (starting in the fall) and my wife and I have taken steps toward healing. There is still a ton of pain there, but it lessens each day, and I feel better about myself just because I know I am improving myself.

Will we ultimately make it? I don't know. Honestly, I very much want to, despite this awful thing she did to me. We have a wonderful family. The thought of breaking it up makes me literally ill. (I know you can say she didn't think of that when she was having her affair, and that's true.) Some days I think we won't make it. But either way, now that I've reassessed myself, I know I will be in a better place and space for whatever comes along in the future.

I wish you well and healing and comfort.[/quote]

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