How do you keep kids out of trouble?

[Anonymous]

I've got a teen and tween DD, and fyi DCUM recommended a book called "Yes, Your Teen is Crazy!"

One of the most comforting things about that book was that the teen actually WANTS their parent to be nerdy, etc. They hear it.

I was like you, OP, but instead of horses, it was the beach and my dog, and working. I never got into trouble. One of the things that is hard for me--I mentioned it to my DH yesterday, in fact--is that I feel like such an outlier; the parent who cannot "remember" the crazy parties and know how to deal with it, because I never went to crazy parties. Never was around the drugs. Didn't kiss anyone until I was just shy of 20 years old and in college. So all this feels like another world and I do feel a bit ill-equipped.

My teen DD sort of laughs at me for being so ancient on all this stuff. But I think it gives her a role model, and permission to also be older when doing this stuff, and also to not do some of the stuff. DH and I have made it clear that we didn't have sex in high school, and that lots of people don't, and have not done drugs. I make a big deal out of how I tried a cigarette once and thought I my lungs were going to explode.

My DD thinks it's quaint, but I think it's helped her. I remind her that it looks like everyone is doing "it" because for every loudmouth or spotlight-seeker, there are 19 others just going about their business that we don't hear or see.

I guess you use every tool in your toolbox, OP. A parent who has had a hard drug history would go the opposite way to detail how derailed she got, to discourage the behavior. Different tactic, both based on experience, both can be effective.

One thing, OP. I talked to them when they were younger. Tweens are a great age because they still listen. The stuff you input now really sticks with them; just keep repeating.

Tangent: One (not very PC) thing I always say--boys are programmed to show off when they get around girls. The presence of the female can trigger the male youth show-off behavior. Peacocks use feathers, parrots dance, rams pound their heads. Human males use tools. If their tool is a basketball or guitar, fine. The problem comes when the tool is a car or motorcycle, because you are now in a situation where you could die as a result of their showing off. So for now, don't be a passenger in these situations!

[Anonymous]

We all can give you a lot of advice, but there is a big element of luck.

I am also a big Wendy Mogul fan.

[Anonymous]

1. Having a relationship built on trust and open communication, established years before they turned teens.

2. Keeping them busy, even if they don't know they're busy.

3. Listening to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've got a teen and tween DD, and fyi DCUM recommended a book called "Yes, Your Teen is Crazy!"

One of the most comforting things about that book was that the teen actually WANTS their parent to be nerdy, etc. They hear it.

I was like you, OP, but instead of horses, it was the beach and my dog, and working. I never got into trouble. One of the things that is hard for me--I mentioned it to my DH yesterday, in fact--is that I feel like such an outlier; the parent who cannot "remember" the crazy parties and know how to deal with it, because I never went to crazy parties. Never was around the drugs. Didn't kiss anyone until I was just shy of 20 years old and in college. So all this feels like another world and I do feel a bit ill-equipped.

My teen DD sort of laughs at me for being so ancient on all this stuff. But I think it gives her a role model, and permission to also be older when doing this stuff, and also to not do some of the stuff. DH and I have made it clear that we didn't have sex in high school, and that lots of people don't, and have not done drugs. I make a big deal out of how I tried a cigarette once and thought I my lungs were going to explode.

My DD thinks it's quaint, but I think it's helped her. I remind her that it looks like everyone is doing "it" because for every loudmouth or spotlight-seeker, there are 19 others just going about their business that we don't hear or see.

I guess you use every tool in your toolbox, OP. A parent who has had a hard drug history would go the opposite way to detail how derailed she got, to discourage the behavior. Different tactic, both based on experience, both can be effective.

One thing, OP. I talked to them when they were younger. Tweens are a great age because they still listen. The stuff you input now really sticks with them; just keep repeating.

Tangent: One (not very PC) thing I always say--boys are programmed to show off when they get around girls. The presence of the female can trigger the male youth show-off behavior. Peacocks use feathers, parrots dance, rams pound their heads. Human males use tools. If their tool is a basketball or guitar, fine. The problem comes when the tool is a car or motorcycle, because you are now in a situation where you could die as a result of their showing off. So for now, don't be a passenger in these situations!

I showed this last paragraph to my husband and he completely agrees with your assessment.

[Anonymous]

Keep them busy. Keep them with good friends. Know their friends (my kids have been in the same school for 10 years so we know the parents and the kids. I drive to and from their activities so I spend time with parents of those friends.). Remind them that they can still have fun safely. Personal preference that I do not drink though my husband does so they see that adults can have a good time with and without alcohol. Talk - talk - talk. Tell them your expectations. Tell them you know it's hard. It may seem like it goes in one ear but sometimes it sticks! Help them devise strategies to get out of situations (my DD know a trigger phrase to say when asking permission that clues me in that they really don't want to do something. I have promised to be the bad guy and squash it without causing a scene. I never condone lying but I have told them I will do anything to help them out of a situation gracefully because I know saving face is important for a teenager). We talk a lot in the car driving to activities. It's interesting that not having eye contact helps them open up. We talk about situations (usually involving other kids - I think my DDs test me that way) and I offer my opinion without being too judgmental. We talk a lot about self respect and self control when it comes to guys. We are a practicing religious family which shapes many outlooks and hopefully helps them develop their own values. School comes first because they know a solid education is the start of everything. They are increasingly self-motivated because they want to do well, not because I want them too. And most of all I remind them of how much they have to lose - that they have such good lives with good opportunities, good friends and good chances for success. All of that can be lost with bad choices - kicked off a team, grades that will keep them from the caliber school they want, physical choices that will ruin the training they've done in their activities, moral choices that affect their futures . . .

16 and 18 and so far so good!!

[Anonymous]

For me and my sibs I think it was a combination of two things.

First, they taught us actions have consequences early on. They didn't always try to swoop in and save us. They made us responsible for things.

Secondly my parents never shamed us, but I think we all had a fear of doing something to disappoint our immigrant parents .and risk the opportunities they had provided for us with hard work.

I also think they were good examples themselves. They had good friendships, when they had their friends over they did not get drunk and rowdy. The worked hard at their jobs and goals.

We wanted those things and we understood they didn't just happen magically, but were the results of actions.

[Anonymous]

Stand by your kids. When another parent calls you and accuses your kid of something, and you don't have the facts, (yes this is a common helicopter parent practice, to sort out every little trouble for their teen,) you take your kid's side. Never put your kids down in front of anybody. If you think/know your kid to be in the wrong, discuss that privately with your kid. Make sure not to be a friend, but don't lash out at your kids if they tell you something, even if it is bad. Then they will never tell you anything even if they need help. Respect goes both ways, I believe, unless you have a major problem teen. I tell my kids, I trust them, and that they should trust me and that I will always be on their side and by their side when they need me. But, I can be very strict as well. It is not the fear like 20 years ago that keeps kids from doing "bad" things, I think it is the fear of losing respect and they might say what they like but they want us to be proud of them.

[Anonymous]

My daughters are innately good kids, but here is what I did.

I had them in lots of activities through the early teen years. Girl Scouts. Dance. Three sports. Volunteering at Church. Idle hands are the devil's workshop.

Family dinner on weeknights is not optional. Google the research. We also did a big Sunday dinner with extended family.

My house was the designated after school hangout for the later teen years. This was a lucky break because we had a fully finished basement. Which just happened to have great acoustics and air flow into the kitchen. Anything hinky would have been obvious. I kept a stocked fridge and didn't grumble over the grocery bills.

I made sure that I met friends and their parents.

I did gentle social engineering in the tween years. Tweens are mostly dependent on you for transportation and spending money. Unhealthy friendships quickly died because I was too busy to drive over to Larla's house or didn't have any cash to give for a day at the mall. Sad smile. So sorry!(Not sorry!)

[Anonymous]

I should add that I don't buy my kids a lot of stuff. Stuff is a magnet to attract kids who don't really care about your child, but want to play with their gaming system or borrow their handbag.

[Anonymous]

Clear, understandable expectations that are known to the child such as:

*Tell us where you are going, who you are with, and what adult will be supervising

*Curfew is at dinnertime (6:30) unless you get direct permission to miss dinner at least one day in advance.

*Acheive grades of A- (or above)

*We (the parents) should know your friends, their parents, and siblings prior to setting up times (outside of organized activities) to hang out. We have ultimate say in whether we allow you to hang out with them, for how long, and doing what.

Combined with well defined, well known punishment:

*Grounding for between 1 and 5 days for either missing curfew, or not letting us know your plans in a timely manner.

*Removal from house for drug addiction

Also, keeping teens busy is equally important. We (the parents) make our teen's schedule, they can plan around it, but we schedule their days. Our goal is less then 1 hour free time a day, not always possible, but it has worked for us in the past. Sports are great, music, other organized activities. The less free time they have the less time they have to develop a marijuana addiction. Furthermore, friends met during these organized activities are more likely to pass our (the parents) muster then some sleazy, greasy-hair skaterpunk who spends his days just hangin' at the local park.

Another thing is that we have always set a good example. When my oldest (now 22) was born, we stopped drinking alcohol (period). We tried to show our kids (and teens) healthy relationships. We also gave them an in-depth talk about the dangers of addiction, truency, etc very early on.

Our kids hated the rules. Didn't understand why they couldn't just walk to their friends house and hang out all the time without telling me. Or why I insisted on an adult being present all the time. Truth is, as a social worker who works with youth (many of whom abuse drugs and alcohol) I have seen the world and know the dangers more then them. We are in the middle of a marijuana epidemic right now, I would say a vast majority of youth have at the very least experimented with Marijuana (and other drugs), with a good number succumbing to addiction to marijuana.

Ultimately, now that my kids are growing older (22, 20, and 16) they are starting to understand. My 22 year old actually thanked me last time he was home, as we were celebrating him getting his first professional job. He said how going to college, and watching so many of his peers struggle with serious physical dependence on marijuana, alcohol, and tobacco showed him how hard it must have been to do the right thing for him, and that he appreciated everything we did for him.

And that's the thing. Its not easy to keep your kids from fucking their lives up. Its changed from when we were kids, when only the absolute trashiest losers did drugs, you would be shocked. Kids with happy, healthy families are smoking weed, shooting dope, drinking booze by the gallon. Kids whose parents have no idea, because they are stuck in the 1980s when smart, well brought up kids simply had no desire to ruin their body with addictive drugs.

[Anonymous]

You can't control mores. You want your kid to be accepted as normal by their peers, for their own happiness and emotional mental health. Normal just means not being an extreme outliner (like an outer 10% outliner), having to uphold some uniquely strict standard. An emotionally healthy teen does not seek to be self destructive, reckless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Clear, understandable expectations that are known to the child such as:

*Tell us where you are going, who you are with, and what adult will be supervising

*Curfew is at dinnertime (6:30) unless you get direct permission to miss dinner at least one day in advance.

*Acheive grades of A- (or above)

*We (the parents) should know your friends, their parents, and siblings prior to setting up times (outside of organized activities) to hang out. We have ultimate say in whether we allow you to hang out with them, for how long, and doing what.

Combined with well defined, well known punishment:

*Grounding for between 1 and 5 days for either missing curfew, or not letting us know your plans in a timely manner.

*Removal from house for drug addiction

Also, keeping teens busy is equally important. We (the parents) make our teen's schedule, they can plan around it, but we schedule their days. Our goal is less then 1 hour free time a day, not always possible, but it has worked for us in the past. Sports are great, music, other organized activities. The less free time they have the less time they have to develop a marijuana addiction. Furthermore, friends met during these organized activities are more likely to pass our (the parents) muster then some sleazy, greasy-hair skaterpunk who spends his days just hangin' at the local park.

Another thing is that we have always set a good example. When my oldest (now 22) was born, we stopped drinking alcohol (period). We tried to show our kids (and teens) healthy relationships. We also gave them an in-depth talk about the dangers of addiction, truency, etc very early on.

Our kids hated the rules. Didn't understand why they couldn't just walk to their friends house and hang out all the time without telling me. Or why I insisted on an adult being present all the time. Truth is, as a social worker who works with youth (many of whom abuse drugs and alcohol) I have seen the world and know the dangers more then them. We are in the middle of a marijuana epidemic right now, I would say a vast majority of youth have at the very least experimented with Marijuana (and other drugs), with a good number succumbing to addiction to marijuana.

Ultimately, now that my kids are growing older (22, 20, and 16) they are starting to understand. My 22 year old actually thanked me last time he was home, as we were celebrating him getting his first professional job. He said how going to college, and watching so many of his peers struggle with serious physical dependence on marijuana, alcohol, and tobacco showed him how hard it must have been to do the right thing for him, and that he appreciated everything we did for him.

And that's the thing. Its not easy to keep your kids from fucking their lives up. Its changed from when we were kids, when only the absolute trashiest losers did drugs, you would be shocked. Kids with happy, healthy families are smoking weed, shooting dope, drinking booze by the gallon. Kids whose parents have no idea, because they are stuck in the 1980s when smart, well brought up kids simply had no desire to ruin their body with addictive drugs.

Not every kid is capable of getting an A- or above in every class. Heck, if a school is at all rigorous, the vast majority of kids aren't capable of this. Having a standard like this can set kids up for failure &/or discourage them from challenging themselves.

And by "removal of the house for drug addiction", did you mean you would send them to rehab to get clean? Or would you just put them out on the streets?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Clear, understandable expectations that are known to the child such as:

*Tell us where you are going, who you are with, and what adult will be supervising

*Curfew is at dinnertime (6:30) unless you get direct permission to miss dinner at least one day in advance.

*Acheive grades of A- (or above)

*We (the parents) should know your friends, their parents, and siblings prior to setting up times (outside of organized activities) to hang out. We have ultimate say in whether we allow you to hang out with them, for how long, and doing what.

Combined with well defined, well known punishment:

*Grounding for between 1 and 5 days for either missing curfew, or not letting us know your plans in a timely manner.

*Removal from house for drug addiction

Also, keeping teens busy is equally important. We (the parents) make our teen's schedule, they can plan around it, but we schedule their days. Our goal is less then 1 hour free time a day, not always possible, but it has worked for us in the past. Sports are great, music, other organized activities. The less free time they have the less time they have to develop a marijuana addiction. Furthermore, friends met during these organized activities are more likely to pass our (the parents) muster then some sleazy, greasy-hair skaterpunk who spends his days just hangin' at the local park.

Another thing is that we have always set a good example. When my oldest (now 22) was born, we stopped drinking alcohol (period). We tried to show our kids (and teens) healthy relationships. We also gave them an in-depth talk about the dangers of addiction, truency, etc very early on.

Our kids hated the rules. Didn't understand why they couldn't just walk to their friends house and hang out all the time without telling me. Or why I insisted on an adult being present all the time. Truth is, as a social worker who works with youth (many of whom abuse drugs and alcohol) I have seen the world and know the dangers more then them. We are in the middle of a marijuana epidemic right now, I would say a vast majority of youth have at the very least experimented with Marijuana (and other drugs), with a good number succumbing to addiction to marijuana.

Ultimately, now that my kids are growing older (22, 20, and 16) they are starting to understand. My 22 year old actually thanked me last time he was home, as we were celebrating him getting his first professional job. He said how going to college, and watching so many of his peers struggle with serious physical dependence on marijuana, alcohol, and tobacco showed him how hard it must have been to do the right thing for him, and that he appreciated everything we did for him.

And that's the thing. Its not easy to keep your kids from fucking their lives up. Its changed from when we were kids, when only the absolute trashiest losers did drugs, you would be shocked. Kids with happy, healthy families are smoking weed, shooting dope, drinking booze by the gallon. Kids whose parents have no idea, because they are stuck in the 1980s when smart, well brought up kids simply had no desire to ruin their body with addictive drugs.

I don't even know where to start with this.
As for your 22 year old thanking you , well some people thank their parents for spanking them too.
Your kids are still pretty young it might be too early to pat yourself on the back,but even if they all hit 30s and are okay I'm going to say that is in spite of you not because of you.

I see major long term relationship issues for your kids.

[Anonymous]

Sports worked for me, big time! (Not my kids, they're young.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Clear, understandable expectations that are known to the child such as:

*Tell us where you are going, who you are with, and what adult will be supervising

*Curfew is at dinnertime (6:30) unless you get direct permission to miss dinner at least one day in advance.

*Acheive grades of A- (or above)

*We (the parents) should know your friends, their parents, and siblings prior to setting up times (outside of organized activities) to hang out. We have ultimate say in whether we allow you to hang out with them, for how long, and doing what.

Combined with well defined, well known punishment:

*Grounding for between 1 and 5 days for either missing curfew, or not letting us know your plans in a timely manner.

*Removal from house for drug addiction

Also, keeping teens busy is equally important. We (the parents) make our teen's schedule, they can plan around it, but we schedule their days. Our goal is less then 1 hour free time a day, not always possible, but it has worked for us in the past. Sports are great, music, other organized activities. The less free time they have the less time they have to develop a marijuana addiction. Furthermore, friends met during these organized activities are more likely to pass our (the parents) muster then some sleazy, greasy-hair skaterpunk who spends his days just hangin' at the local park.

Another thing is that we have always set a good example. When my oldest (now 22) was born, we stopped drinking alcohol (period). We tried to show our kids (and teens) healthy relationships. We also gave them an in-depth talk about the dangers of addiction, truency, etc very early on.

Our kids hated the rules. Didn't understand why they couldn't just walk to their friends house and hang out all the time without telling me. Or why I insisted on an adult being present all the time. Truth is, as a social worker who works with youth (many of whom abuse drugs and alcohol) I have seen the world and know the dangers more then them. We are in the middle of a marijuana epidemic right now, I would say a vast majority of youth have at the very least experimented with Marijuana (and other drugs), with a good number succumbing to addiction to marijuana.

Ultimately, now that my kids are growing older (22, 20, and 16) they are starting to understand. My 22 year old actually thanked me last time he was home, as we were celebrating him getting his first professional job. He said how going to college, and watching so many of his peers struggle with serious physical dependence on marijuana, alcohol, and tobacco showed him how hard it must have been to do the right thing for him, and that he appreciated everything we did for him.

And that's the thing. Its not easy to keep your kids from fucking their lives up. Its changed from when we were kids, when only the absolute trashiest losers did drugs, you would be shocked. Kids with happy, healthy families are smoking weed, shooting dope, drinking booze by the gallon. Kids whose parents have no idea, because they are stuck in the 1980s when smart, well brought up kids simply had no desire to ruin their body with addictive drugs.

Not every kid is capable of getting an A- or above in every class. Heck, if a school is at all rigorous, the vast majority of kids aren't capable of this. Having a standard like this can set kids up for failure &/or discourage them from challenging themselves.

And by "removal of the house for drug addiction", did you mean you would send them to rehab to get clean? Or would you just put them out on the streets?

This might be the mom of a teen who wrote that she can't wait to leave home and hates her mom.