How do you keep kids out of trouble?

[Anonymous]

Is it through sports?
Being strict about friends and always knowing where they are?
Having high standards about school and grades?
Expecting them to have a job during high school or during the summer?
Do you condone/not condone any drug/alcohol use?
How do you allow dating, and what are your expectations regarding sexual activity?

I have very young daughters, but I am looking ahead to the teenage years and how I can hopefully keep them on a good track. I was a fairly easy teen. I wanted to be around horses or my horsey friends 24/7. All my parents had to do was threaten my horse time. I would have NEVER thought it acceptable to get drunk. Like any teenager, I disliked my parents a good bit of the time, but I really look back and appreciate the stability of having chores, working part time since age 13 at a barn and earning/saving money, being able to have a wholesome childhood playing outside, doing many outdoor activities, even being bored and reading a lot of books or entertaining myself, having nightly family dinner at the table. This was all 15 years ago; kids didn't have cell phones when I was in high school. I am so scared of raising children in the age of smartphones.

Can kids even have the type of childhood we had in the 90s/2000's anymore? I kind of appreciate the fact that I didn't live a whole adult life of drinking, drugs, sex, and relationships during high school.

I feel like if a kid wants to do adult things like sex or drinking, they should be prepared for other fun adult things like rent, grocery bills, doing laundry, car note, car and health insurance, and able to financially support a baby. If a kid wants to do illegal things like drugs, getting drunk in public... they should be prepared for the consequences of illegal activities, like going to jail, and jeopardizing their future job prospects.

What is the magic balance of strict but not too strict?

[Anonymous]

It has to be a personal decision there always kids from good backgrounds and still turn out wrong. All you can do is teach right and wrong, work ethic and sense of individuality and hope for the best.

[Anonymous]

That's what scares me. The story of the police chief with a daughter who became a heroin addict. I mean, if anyone should be able to discourage that, I would think it would be a cop. Ugh.

[Anonymous]

OP, are you me? Would you like to be parent besties? I don't know the answer to your question, I just wanted to say I TOTALLY agree with your way of thinking!!! We are around the same age, and I also have the same worries you have.

DH was also into horses, which I think kept his mischievous nature in check!!

I think something important is to pay attention to what kind of friends your child is making. Are they focused on school and just being kids? Are their parents similar to you in their parenting philosophy? Are their home lives peaceful as far as you can tell?

And it doesn't matter what their HHI is, either. I went to high school with a lot of miserable rich kids whose parents were the worst. They had a lot of money to spend on drugs, cars to drive recklessly with, and their parents even hosted parties with alcohol, but didn't want to spend time with them.

At some point you just have to accept that you did your best and that your kids are their own people.

[Anonymous]

Teenagers experiment. That's what they do. They believe they are invincible, because that's how their minds work.

My kids are busy. I also help facilitate their friendships with good kids.

[Anonymous]

My advice to you, Op is not to worry about the future. Build your relationship with your daughters now and that will help you in the future. The things you worry about now is what you know..smartphones or drugs may not be the problems when your children are teens. It could be something completely worse or not. You can't control the future and you can't control the past.

I have two teenagers and they are nerdy and mild like my husband and I. We didn't do anything special like keep them busy in sports or whatever. But, we constantly talk to them and have fun with them. They know our histories of depression/anxiety and that the family members of past were alcohol and drug addicts ( not all but quite a few) We talk to them about the dangers of too much too soon. And the importance of enjoying your childhood. There is no race to get to be older faster. We listen to their worries, take them to therapists/doctors when we can't help them. We provided a loving, stable home and they can count on us. Remember to find joy in every day even if it is simple like getting a free slurpee on 7-11 day!

Make each day feel like it could be your last....even if that means enjoying a cap nap! If you still feel nervous I would recommend seeing someone about it. It sounds like you may have anxiety and should get help with that.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is it through sports?
Being strict about friends and always knowing where they are?
Having high standards about school and grades?
Expecting them to have a job during high school or during the summer?
Do you condone/not condone any drug/alcohol use?
How do you allow dating, and what are your expectations regarding sexual activity?

I have very young daughters, but I am looking ahead to the teenage years and how I can hopefully keep them on a good track. I was a fairly easy teen. I wanted to be around horses or my horsey friends 24/7. All my parents had to do was threaten my horse time. I would have NEVER thought it acceptable to get drunk. Like any teenager, I disliked my parents a good bit of the time, but I really look back and appreciate the stability of having chores, working part time since age 13 at a barn and earning/saving money, being able to have a wholesome childhood playing outside, doing many outdoor activities, even being bored and reading a lot of books or entertaining myself, having nightly family dinner at the table. This was all 15 years ago; kids didn't have cell phones when I was in high school. I am so scared of raising children in the age of smartphones.

Can kids even have the type of childhood we had in the 90s/2000's anymore? I kind of appreciate the fact that I didn't live a whole adult life of drinking, drugs, sex, and relationships during high school.

I feel like if a kid wants to do adult things like sex or drinking, they should be prepared for other fun adult things like rent, grocery bills, doing laundry, car note, car and health insurance, and able to financially support a baby. If a kid wants to do illegal things like drugs, getting drunk in public... they should be prepared for the consequences of illegal activities, like going to jail, and jeopardizing their future job prospects.

What is the magic balance of strict but not too strict?

Is it through sports? --> Yes. Also: Music, volunteer activities, church youth group, summer programs in their areas of interest.

Being strict about friends and always knowing where they are? --> Yes and no. You mostly cannot control their friends, but yes to always knowing where they are and who they are with.

Having high standards about school and grades? --> Yes. As and Bs are expected, mostly As. If you are struggling in school it is because you need help and extra practice.

Expecting them to have a job during high school or during the summer? --> Yes, especially in late high school.

Do you condone/not condone any drug/alcohol use? --> Do not condone it for underage teens and we make that message clear. We also model responsible drinking.

How do you allow dating, and what are your expectations regarding sexual activity? --> My kids (18 and 16) do not date, but if they did we would have the above expectations wrt friends about dating. RE sex, we talk about sex and our values about sex. If they were dating, I would not make it easy for them to find a place to be alone with their partner.

RE sex, drinking and drugs today relative to the 80s and 90s: Teens are are drinking and using drugs less often, and they aren’t smoking as much, according a government survey of risky youth behaviors.

http://www.nydailynews.com/news/national/cdc-survey-finds-decline-risky-behaviors-teens-article-1.2667880

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My advice to you, Op is not to worry about the future. Build your relationship with your daughters now and that will help you in the future. The things you worry about now is what you know..smartphones or drugs may not be the problems when your children are teens. It could be something completely worse or not. You can't control the future and you can't control the past.

I have two teenagers and they are nerdy and mild like my husband and I. We didn't do anything special like keep them busy in sports or whatever. But, we constantly talk to them and have fun with them. They know our histories of depression/anxiety and that the family members of past were alcohol and drug addicts ( not all but quite a few) We talk to them about the dangers of too much too soon. And the importance of enjoying your childhood. There is no race to get to be older faster. We listen to their worries, take them to therapists/doctors when we can't help them. We provided a loving, stable home and they can count on us. Remember to find joy in every day even if it is simple like getting a free slurpee on 7-11 day!

Make each day feel like it could be your last....even if that means enjoying a cap nap! If you still feel nervous I would recommend seeing someone about it. It sounds like you may have anxiety and should get help with that.

Good luck!

+1M

During the teen years your power lies in your influence, and not in your control. (You have little or no control.) If you have a strong connection with your children, you have a lot of influence.

[Anonymous]

12:24

I completely agree with this poster except on grades. DS had a very hard time 9th grade year in a competitive school and ended up almost failing a few classes (problem was motivation, he was completely capable of doing the work). One of the things that I'm most proud of is that we laid off of him, encouraged him to continue in hard classes, and let him stay at his school. He turned it around by 11th grade. Too late for Ivy Leagues but he is entirely self-motivated now academically which is important (and his college list isn't bad!). Just watching around us, the pressure for high grades can be tough for kids. Much prefer the "Blessings of a B Minus" kind of philosophy laid out by Wendy Mogel.

[Anonymous]

Keep 'em busy - school activities, jobs, whatever you can find that is a productive use of their time.

[Anonymous]

Is it through sports? Two of mine are competitive gymnasts and, yes, that keeps them out of trouble. The third is not athletic, so he has to be kept busy in other ways.

Being strict about friends and always knowing where they are? By middle school, you are losing track of their friends, but I always know where my kids are. It's their responsibility to let me know where they are going, how long they are staying, who they are with and to respond to any text I send.

Having high standards about school and grades? Not so much. I have two kids who struggle immensely with school. By spending too much time focusing on it, I would be just highlighting the negative and making an issue out of what is extremely difficult for them. The real issue is developing a plan for the future and taking the steps to get there. So, for example, one of mine is into cars. Early on, he decided he wanted to go to vo tech, so we met with the school and found out what it takes to get admitted. Since it is competitive and his grades aren't great, we had to focus on things like attendance, punctuality, SSL hours, good behavior, etc.

Expecting them to have a job during high school or during the summer? yes, but the other side of this is that you put money in their pocket, so it's a double edged sword.

Do you condone/not condone any drug/alcohol use? absolutely not ok in our house. And, if I find you do, you will not be driving my cars.

How do you allow dating, and what are your expectations regarding sexual activity? If you're going to date (and my kids do), I need your plan for each one - who is going, how are you getting there (I want to know specifically who is driving and how many kids in each car), who is paying for what and what is the cost (you have to teach them money management if they are going to be successful), and have they discussed the level of physical contact they are comfortable with (I don't want to know, I just want them prepared because I do not want grandchildren from my high schoolers).

I think someone already mentioned this, but one of the biggest things is to actively work on your relationship with your kids as they are growing up. The first time they go on a date is not really a good time to have your first conversation about sex, drugs, or driving. I am constantly reminding my kids about the importance of trust and how to earn it and not lose it and it's something they have to build with you way before they ever need you to trust them. I feel like I've worked all of their life to get to the point where they are ready to be teenagers and are trustworthy enough to give them my car keys and not even wait up for them. I don't really feel like the success they are having in managing their lives now has much to do with the things I am doing today - it's been in the process for so long.

[Anonymous]

Teens will do what teens do, some will be polite and nice, and then do the stupidest thing you can ever imagine, like out of the blue. I suggest you read, "yes, your teen is crazy," if you are worried this early. Otherwise just love and take care of your kids and hopefully everything will work out.

[Anonymous]

My goal is NOT to keep my kids out of trouble but to teach them how to deal with "trouble", if they never experience negative outcomes they will never know how to navigate them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:12:24

I completely agree with this poster except on grades. DS had a very hard time 9th grade year in a competitive school and ended up almost failing a few classes (problem was motivation, he was completely capable of doing the work). One of the things that I'm most proud of is that we laid off of him, encouraged him to continue in hard classes, and let him stay at his school. He turned it around by 11th grade. Too late for Ivy Leagues but he is entirely self-motivated now academically which is important (and his college list isn't bad!). Just watching around us, the pressure for high grades can be tough for kids. Much prefer the "Blessings of a B Minus" kind of philosophy laid out by Wendy Mogel.

I've never heard of her before but just watched a youtube speech she gave - hilarious and inspiring. Made me think twice about the things i say@!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:12:24

I completely agree with this poster except on grades. DS had a very hard time 9th grade year in a competitive school and ended up almost failing a few classes (problem was motivation, he was completely capable of doing the work). One of the things that I'm most proud of is that we laid off of him, encouraged him to continue in hard classes, and let him stay at his school. He turned it around by 11th grade. Too late for Ivy Leagues but he is entirely self-motivated now academically which is important (and his college list isn't bad!). Just watching around us, the pressure for high grades can be tough for kids. Much prefer the "Blessings of a B Minus" kind of philosophy laid out by Wendy Mogel.

12:24 here. I'm a big Wendy Mogel fan as well. My DC attended a competitive high school program as well, and struggled a lot. We supported him, got him help, and maintained expectations that he do his best. He is self-motivated but definitely needs help and support.

Wendy Mogel's philosophy only goes so far in the context of teens with learning disabilities.