Young kids and extended parental travel

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand how a regular job can expect you to relocate for 3 months without frequent opportunities to come home, especially when you have young children. What line of work is this?
I'm saying this as a military spouse. What can be so encompassing that you can't tell them you need to come home every other weekend Friday-Monday?

I can come home on the weekends, but when I'm at a job site in an area where it takes 2 hours to drive to the airport, plus the flight time, and then drive home from either Dulles or Reagan, and the only flight back requires me to leave pretty early on Sunday, it just isn't ideal. I am going to come home at least once and my DH and the kids will come out there a couple of times. It isn't something like Boston or Philly where I can get the late flight home after work on Friday and then the 6 am back Monday morning. And I need to not be prepared and not exhausted come Monday morning. The logistics are not good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand how a regular job can expect you to relocate for 3 months without frequent opportunities to come home, especially when you have young children. What line of work is this?
I'm saying this as a military spouse. What can be so encompassing that you can't tell them you need to come home every other weekend Friday-Monday?

I can come home on the weekends, but when I'm at a job site in an area where it takes 2 hours to drive to the airport, plus the flight time, and then drive home from either Dulles or Reagan, and the only flight back requires me to leave pretty early on Sunday, it just isn't ideal. I am going to come home at least once and my DH and the kids will come out there a couple of times. It isn't something like Boston or Philly where I can get the late flight home after work on Friday and then the 6 am back Monday morning. And I need to not be prepared and not exhausted come Monday morning. The logistics are not good.

I would make the weekend thing work. Even if all you do is come home and never leave the house from Friday/Saturday to Sunday, I would suck that up and make it happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would never take such an assignment. They can't force you. I could quit if they did.

How can you even consider this?

Btw, people will judge you.

Well, then, it's a good thing they asked me and not you. Judge away.

I like you, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would never take such an assignment. They can't force you. I could quit if they did.

How can you even consider this?

Btw, people will judge you.

Whatever. I did quit my job to care for my special needs child and all I get is judgment. Apparently I am letting my talents and education go to waste, living a life that seems unrewarding and unstimulating, and becoming "a kept woman" (because my husband now pays all the bills...that one was from my mom). I know I made the right choice. OP is making her right choice. "People" can go fuck themselves.

OP, you know your kids best. What do you think they would like? A skyping routine at bedtime? A video of you reading stories they can watch whenever they want? What about a note or letter from you to open each day (you could prepare them in advance if mailing them is too much of a pain)? Show them on a map where you will be. Take pictures of your hotel and room (or whatever) so they can imagine where you are. DH should let them take funny pictures and text you. You text them silly stuff back. Maybe buy 3 identical stuffed animals and you each sleep with one while you are gone. A calendar to keep track of the days for visits and your return might help too.

Also, find some books about separation (maybe Kissing Hand or Invisible String...I haven't read them in ages) and talk about it in advance. Make a plan with DH about how they will talk about it when you are gone. It's probably better just to acknowledge how they feel (Mommy is away and it feels sad. It's hard but we will be OK.) rather than trying to convince them it is not a big deal or saying that you will be back soon, because it is going to feel like a long time.

It will be hard, but it will be fine. There are lots of ways to stay connected.

[Anonymous]

I hope you make a million a year because no way would I leave my kids for less.

Can't you find a new job?

[Anonymous]

Three months will believe an eternity for the kids. Can't believe a mother would do this.
This is unheard of.

[Anonymous]

There is absolutely nothing you can do that will make this ok for your kids. Of course you have ever right to go. But don't expect to make things easier for your children. Unless your family will starve or lose their home, no job assignment is worth this.

You asked for suggestions on making it easier for you. Somehow I doubt this will be difficult for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is absolutely nothing you can do that will make this ok for your kids. Of course you have ever right to go. But don't expect to make things easier for your children. Unless your family will starve or lose their home, no job assignment is worth this.

You asked for suggestions on making it easier for you. Somehow I doubt this will be difficult for you.

I agree, I could never do this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly? I would pass on the assignment, up to and including resigning. I know it's not what you want to hear, but there's no way I'd leave my kids (2 and 5) for three months.

My DH did a 3-month stint overseas when our first was 2, and his relationship with DC hasn't really ever recovered. It has made me extremely conservative about spending time apart as a family. I feel for military families who deal with deployments -- it is incredibly tough.

I appreciate your feedback. You're right that it isn't what I want to hear. Passing on the assignment simply is not an option. Looking back on it, what could your DH have done differently to keep the bond stronger? That's what I am looking for.

PP back. In-person visits seem crucial. DH was a 24-hour plane trip away, so that wasn't an option for him. Even a single day every few weeks would make a huge difference. DH physically being absent seemed to be the biggest deal to DC -- missing the minutia of life (breakfast, going to the playground, reading books, etc). She was very anxious and avoided DH for a few months on his return, I think because she was scared he would disappear again. Your kids are older so I think that will be less of an issue for you -- there's worlds between a 2 and 4 year old's understanding of this sort of thing. But if I were you, even if it's expensive or inconvenient, I would come home as much as possible and just spend the entire time with your kids. And maybe check in in advance with a counselor to see if there are better strategies for preparing kids for a parents' extended absence? I wish, in retrospect, we'd done that. There have got to be good resources in this area for that.

[Anonymous]

21:53, thank you so much for these great suggestions. I am planning to take the kids to Build-A-Bear so we can each create the same/similar bear to keep with us. I will definitely get the books you suggested and I like the idea of sending mail to open every day. They LOVE getting mail.

I'm used to the pudginess of DCUM but still a little surprised with the responses acting like this is so unusual. No one would bat an eyelash if I were a man, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:21:53, thank you so much for these great suggestions. I am planning to take the kids to Build-A-Bear so we can each create the same/similar bear to keep with us. I will definitely get the books you suggested and I like the idea of sending mail to open every day. They LOVE getting mail.

I'm used to the pudginess of DCUM but still a little surprised with the responses acting like this is so unusual. No one would bat an eyelash if I were a man, right?

Weird auto correct there, I meant for it to say judgy-ness. Which apparently may not be a real word!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly? I would pass on the assignment, up to and including resigning. I know it's not what you want to hear, but there's no way I'd leave my kids (2 and 5) for three months.

My DH did a 3-month stint overseas when our first was 2, and his relationship with DC hasn't really ever recovered. It has made me extremely conservative about spending time apart as a family. I feel for military families who deal with deployments -- it is incredibly tough.

I appreciate your feedback. You're right that it isn't what I want to hear. Passing on the assignment simply is not an option. Looking back on it, what could your DH have done differently to keep the bond stronger? That's what I am looking for.

PP back. In-person visits seem crucial. DH was a 24-hour plane trip away, so that wasn't an option for him. Even a single day every few weeks would make a huge difference. DH physically being absent seemed to be the biggest deal to DC -- missing the minutia of life (breakfast, going to the playground, reading books, etc). She was very anxious and avoided DH for a few months on his return, I think because she was scared he would disappear again. Your kids are older so I think that will be less of an issue for you -- there's worlds between a 2 and 4 year old's understanding of this sort of thing. But if I were you, even if it's expensive or inconvenient, I would come home as much as possible and just spend the entire time with your kids. And maybe check in in advance with a counselor to see if there are better strategies for preparing kids for a parents' extended absence? I wish, in retrospect, we'd done that. There have got to be good resources in this area for that.

Thanks for following up with this good advice. I think you're right the we should try to visit with a counselor. It certainly can't hurt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Three months will believe an eternity for the kids. Can't believe a mother would do this.
This is unheard of.

Omg. Would anyone say this about a father? What if the mother is the bread winner? I was lucky that when I looked for a new job I was well respected and able to demand family friendly hours and little travel upfront but not everyone is that lucky. Why are mothers bad if they do this but it is fine for the dads?

OP, you need to work this out with your husband. Is nightly sky ping possible or will your work schedule make it erratic and make his life harder? It drives me nuts when my DH travels and expects and skypes during the bedtime routine, throwing everything off and getting my son all worked up before bed. This has to be what will work for the family and not ypu. Maybe make a video of you reading some books for night that skipping does not work. Or, you could send snippets of video on nights ypu cannot connect.

I do think it will help coming home every 2 to 3 weeks. It will be hard on you, but 3 months is a long time for small kids. Keep in mind they may not act happy to see you, but they will be. kids just gravitate to the parent they are with.

Maybe you can make some sort of count down calender to when you get back. That way you know they understand that this is temporary and mom is coming home again. If you have the energy, maybe have a daily note for them in the calender.

[Anonymous]

Can they fly out to see you a couple of times in addition to you going home a couple of times? They can fly to the town where the airport is, you can drive the two hours to get there, and you can all spend the weekend together swimming in the hotel pool and having fun.

[Anonymous]

When I went away for two weeks, I wrote little message (knock knock jokes, pictures, mazes, I love yous) on stationary and numbered them for each day. A year later, the kids still have saved some of them. I think a mix of that and care packages could be sweet, combined with skyping. Also make little videos narrating what you are seeing and text them to the other parent to show them on a regular basis. Good luck! It's far from ideal but sometimes we do what we have to do.