Question for men with kids who divorced

[Anonymous]

I'm not the demographic you're asking for, but the one thing my husband says that he really regrets is not fighting harder for 50-50 or full custody. He's definitely happier now and his life improved in most ways (of course I'm very biased). But he did not anticipate how hard it would be to have decision-making input on important issues when he did not have 50-50 or full custody. To be clear, he does have joint legal custody, but he agreed to every other weekend and summers and really regrets it.

[Anonymous]

My uncle had a seemingly "good" divorce. He provided financially and had the 3 kids every other weekend and drove the 1.5 hours to get them there and home. The 3 kids are awesome.

One of the 3 is living with us for the summer doing an internship. At dinner he said, "when my dad abandoned us...." .... I was kind of taken aback. He said, "you know HE left, he left us and my step dad stepped in to be our real dad, he puts up a good show though.. I mean he tries to care"

So there is that. Don't leave (the area), don't settle for every other weekend and Wednesdays.... be a full time dad, a real one... not one that comes and goes.

My uncle is really happy, his wife is younger than I am and I really like her. They are fun and kind and generous to us. Who knew.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She wanted the divorce and sprung it on me by surprise. I did not fight her over money or the children. Originally, she just wanted to leave without the kids. I said OK. Then she wanted the kids. I knew the courts are biased so I figured it was best to make sure her and the kids were financially taken care of and not to fight because I thought that would impact the kids. I thought that being adult about the situation and continuing to be concerned about her welfare would be reciprocated. I was wrong. Frankly, this was the most hurtful things for me. The divorce was very difficult for me and I did the best I could but she really wanted to inflict pain and suffering on me. So even though I paid 15 years of child support in advance to her and made sure the house was paid for and in her name and having done this I was wiped out financially she went about telling everyone that I abandoned them without anything. That really hurt. I also thought that because I treated her as nice as I could that she wouldn't get between me and the kids. I was wrong. She did and said things that forced them to chose sides. They chose her (at least initially). She prevented them for talking to me on the phone. She would unilaterally change pickup and drop-off times. She told the school not to communicate with me about grads. Bottom line is that it has been hard being vilified when I did and continue to do my best. That latest things she has done....told the kids that if they want they can move in with me. They got excited about that. Then she changed her mind. I'm fully expecting her to pin it on me.

I'm sorry PP. There are two sides to every story, but no matter what caused the divorce, a mature mother with a heart for her children's best would not pull them into this dysfunctional web. Unfortunately, a lot of adults don't know how much damage they cause to those they love when they are still operating in emotional defunct. Thankfully there are a lot of parents that would not to this to their children. Rest assured that your relationship with your children is your own, and in time nothing can ever change that as long as you can remember to keep the divorce about her, stay true to respectful standards, and your love for your children. Hindsight is 20/20, hopefully your kids will see that one day. The sad thing is if that day comes, the pendulum may swing and the kids may begin to resent the mother. Or live an unbalanced life for who knows how long.

[Anonymous]

I am a divorced dad with 50 50 physical custody and the biggest surprise to me was how expensive it is to maintain two big enough homes. People earned me but I didn't really get it. The other surprise was that on my weeks, dealing with whatever comes up with the kids is hard. Like if they get sick, there is no backup, my ex does not bail me out. So I have to miss work. I wish we could be nicer to each other in this way, but she doesn't care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She wanted the divorce and sprung it on me by surprise. I did not fight her over money or the children. Originally, she just wanted to leave without the kids. I said OK. Then she wanted the kids. I knew the courts are biased so I figured it was best to make sure her and the kids were financially taken care of and not to fight because I thought that would impact the kids. I thought that being adult about the situation and continuing to be concerned about her welfare would be reciprocated. I was wrong. Frankly, this was the most hurtful things for me. The divorce was very difficult for me and I did the best I could but she really wanted to inflict pain and suffering on me. So even though I paid 15 years of child support in advance to her and made sure the house was paid for and in her name and having done this I was wiped out financially she went about telling everyone that I abandoned them without anything. That really hurt. I also thought that because I treated her as nice as I could that she wouldn't get between me and the kids. I was wrong. She did and said things that forced them to chose sides. They chose her (at least initially). She prevented them for talking to me on the phone. She would unilaterally change pickup and drop-off times. She told the school not to communicate with me about grads. Bottom line is that it has been hard being vilified when I did and continue to do my best. That latest things she has done....told the kids that if they want they can move in with me. They got excited about that. Then she changed her mind. I'm fully expecting her to pin it on me.

That was a really stupid thing to do. What state were you in that your lawyer advised you that this was a reasonable course of action? I'm not aware of any state where payment of a lump sum obviates your child support obligation if, as just one example, your ex blows all the money and comes back for more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a divorced dad with 50 50 physical custody and the biggest surprise to me was how expensive it is to maintain two big enough homes. People earned me but I didn't really get it. The other surprise was that on my weeks, dealing with whatever comes up with the kids is hard. Like if they get sick, there is no backup, my ex does not bail me out. So I have to miss work. I wish we could be nicer to each other in this way, but she doesn't care.

You don't want to miss work when your child is sick? You never missed work when your child was sick when you were married?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a divorced dad with 50 50 physical custody and the biggest surprise to me was how expensive it is to maintain two big enough homes. People earned me but I didn't really get it. The other surprise was that on my weeks, dealing with whatever comes up with the kids is hard. Like if they get sick, there is no backup, my ex does not bail me out. So I have to miss work. I wish we could be nicer to each other in this way, but she doesn't care.

What do you mean by this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a divorced dad with 50 50 physical custody and the biggest surprise to me was how expensive it is to maintain two big enough homes. People earned me but I didn't really get it. The other surprise was that on my weeks, dealing with whatever comes up with the kids is hard. Like if they get sick, there is no backup, my ex does not bail me out. So I have to miss work. I wish we could be nicer to each other in this way, but she doesn't care.

You don't want to miss work when your child is sick? You never missed work when your child was sick when you were married?

I can see where this could happen in a lot of marriages where the man covers everything financially is protected from the day-to-day impacted by this type of thing. I'm curious to know how it impacts a male's career post-divorce with children when you have 50/50. Do you feel "daddy-tracked" if you never experienced it before? Honest question, no snark.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a divorced dad with 50 50 physical custody and the biggest surprise to me was how expensive it is to maintain two big enough homes. People earned me but I didn't really get it. The other surprise was that on my weeks, dealing with whatever comes up with the kids is hard. Like if they get sick, there is no backup, my ex does not bail me out. So I have to miss work. I wish we could be nicer to each other in this way, but she doesn't care.

You don't want to miss work when your child is sick? You never missed work when your child was sick when you were married?

I can see where this could happen in a lot of marriages where the man covers everything financially is protected from the day-to-day impacted by this type of thing. I'm curious to know how it impacts a male's career post-divorce with children when you have 50/50. Do you feel "daddy-tracked" if you never experienced it befo6re? Honest question, no snark.

When I was married, I did sometimes miss work for sick kids, but other times my wife would. To be honest it was usually her, but I did too because I could teleworking better than she could. Now, I miss a little more, but I'm saying it's harder than I thought because I don't have any where to turn if I can't miss work, except babysitters. I always know that if something comes up on my week with the kids, it's on me. That is stressful beyond just the stress of missing work. I have to a range things to not go too far out of town on my weeks, for example. Some families back each othere up more, but my ex needed to make more money so she took a more demanding job. It's been hard for both of us.

I do feel daddy-tracked, but I need the flexibility and I can focus on my career again later. I don't regret doing 5050 physical, I'm just saying I didn't realize how hard it would be

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a divorced dad with 50 50 physical custody and the biggest surprise to me was how expensive it is to maintain two big enough homes. People earned me but I didn't really get it. The other surprise was that on my weeks, dealing with whatever comes up with the kids is hard. Like if they get sick, there is no backup, my ex does not bail me out. So I have to miss work. I wish we could be nicer to each other in this way, but she doesn't care.

What do you mean by this?

I just didn't realize how much it would cost for both me and my ex to have a place big enough for each kid to have a room. We have high school girl and middle school biy, so... I feel stupid saying this, but I had been out of the rental apartment market for so long, and we wanted to stay near Wilson for the kids, so it isn't cheap. I should have done more research I guess, but it wouldn't have changed the outcome.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My uncle had a seemingly "good" divorce. He provided financially and had the 3 kids every other weekend and drove the 1.5 hours to get them there and home. The 3 kids are awesome.

One of the 3 is living with us for the summer doing an internship. At dinner he said, "when my dad abandoned us...." .... I was kind of taken aback. He said, "you know HE left, he left us and my step dad stepped in to be our real dad, he puts up a good show though.. I mean he tries to care"

So there is that. Don't leave (the area), don't settle for every other weekend and Wednesdays.... be a full time dad, a real one... not one that comes and goes.

My uncle is really happy, his wife is younger than I am and I really like her. They are fun and kind and generous to us. Who knew.

There is no winning against that narrative.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot of men don't understand all of the work that goes into any of the minutia with being the primary caregiver or default parent for a child. And they have not learned how to sacrifice continually for a demanding and thankless child that is learning. For a lot of men, when this responsibility falls on them, it is a rude awakening.

A lot of women don't know what it takes to put a roof over the head of the family, keep the food on the table and the lights and heat on.

That's called having a job and paying the bills. Lots of women and men do that. Now plan a birthday for a 4 yr old. Plan out a vacation out of state for 4 people. Plan a move to a new house. etc etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot of men don't understand all of the work that goes into any of the minutia with being the primary caregiver or default parent for a child. And they have not learned how to sacrifice continually for a demanding and thankless child that is learning. For a lot of men, when this responsibility falls on them, it is a rude awakening.

A lot of women don't know what it takes to put a roof over the head of the family, keep the food on the table and the lights and heat on.

That's called having a job and paying the bills. Lots of women and men do that. Now plan a birthday for a 4 yr old. Plan out a vacation out of state for 4 people. Plan a move to a new house. etc etc.

+1. Having a job isn't that complicated. Lots of women do it. Managing the growth and development of several children is a much more complicated feat of planning and logistics. My ex was befuddled by the idea that he would have to plan his own holidays, extended family relationships, medical care for kids, deal with their activities during his time, school issues, etc. It took him years to figure out how to juggle it all, and he still drops a lot of balls.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a divorced dad with 50 50 physical custody and the biggest surprise to me was how expensive it is to maintain two big enough homes. People earned me but I didn't really get it. The other surprise was that on my weeks, dealing with whatever comes up with the kids is hard. Like if they get sick, there is no backup, my ex does not bail me out. So I have to miss work. I wish we could be nicer to each other in this way, but she doesn't care.

You don't want to miss work when your child is sick? You never missed work when your child was sick when you were married?

I can see where this could happen in a lot of marriages where the man covers everything financially is protected from the day-to-day impacted by this type of thing. I'm curious to know how it impacts a male's career post-divorce with children when you have 50/50. Do you feel "daddy-tracked" if you never experienced it befo6re? Honest question, no snark.

When I was married, I did sometimes miss work for sick kids, but other times my wife would. To be honest it was usually her, but I did too because I could teleworking better than she could. Now, I miss a little more, but I'm saying it's harder than I thought because I don't have any where to turn if I can't miss work, except babysitters. I always know that if something comes up on my week with the kids, it's on me. That is stressful beyond just the stress of missing work. I have to a range things to not go too far out of town on my weeks, for example. Some families back each othere up more, but my ex needed to make more money so she took a more demanding job. It's been hard for both of us.

I do feel daddy-tracked, but I need the flexibility and I can focus on my career again later. I don't regret doing 5050 physical, I'm just saying I didn't realize how hard it would be

Welcome to life for most WOHMs, married or divorced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot of men don't understand all of the work that goes into any of the minutia with being the primary caregiver or default parent for a child. And they have not learned how to sacrifice continually for a demanding and thankless child that is learning. For a lot of men, when this responsibility falls on them, it is a rude awakening.

A lot of women don't know what it takes to put a roof over the head of the family, keep the food on the table and the lights and heat on.

Yes, but the question is not about women. It is about men. This is not a contest. Stay on topic.

Actually, the question wasn't "about" men, it was addressed to men who had gone through it, so the original response seemed wholly unhelpful (unless the person who posted it actually is a man who has gone through it and chose to use a weird tense and voice).